Be Mine

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

A week later (February 1st!) I had another appointment with Dr. Lange set up. I also decided after some more reading I needed to go buy incense and crystals. The book I had said they could be used as "cures" for the problems you had that couldn't be solved. Like I had a light fixture directly above my bed, which was supposed to be a big no-no, and I couldn't move all the corners of my furniture in other directions.

Unfortunately my mother decided to stop by my apartment to catch up before I could head out.

"I thought we could have tea," she said, not missing the new layout of my place.

I rolled my eyes, waiting for her to say something about it. It wasn't long before she ran a finger against the wall and made a noise.

"This is an interesting color."

"Mom."

"What? I'm just saying. I miss the nice blue you had before."

We went out for tea and did some small talk for a while before she cut to the chase.

"I heard George is engaged."

I gulped a hot mouthful of tea and nodded, wincing both from the burn and from the unbearable sadness in my chest.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not particularly," I muttered.

A barista at the cafe was hanging up a banner of hearts over the front door. I was shocked they were doing it so late. They were definitely behind the curve.

My mom spoke again, drawing my attention from the Valentine's decorating.

"I wish you would open up to me about it. It must be heartbreaking for you."

She looked genuinely upset and I felt guilty.

"Sorry. I just don't want to rehash my romantic failures."

Mom nodded and changed the topic.

I should have known that wasn't the last I'd hear of it, though. As soon as we got back to my apartment, Mom began the inquisition . "What's with the new paint job? And why did you move your sofa all the way by the window? What's going on with you?" She picked at her nails, one bad habit she could never break. She went into my bedroom and I followed. She fingered my new curtains. "Red curtains? I'm worried."

"I'm just trying to get a more positive outlook. Maybe draw some positivity back into my life, you know? It's nothing to be worried about, Mom, I promise."

I desperately wanted to change the subject yet again because I was terrified I'd confess about the New Age philosophies I was adopting and I knew Mom would really be upset then. "What are you and Dad doing for Valentine's Day?"

Even though they had been married for thirty years, Mom still blushed at the thought of Dad. A pang went through my chest and stomach when I saw her flush and grin.

"He's cooking."

I didn't get it. "But Mom, he's a terrible cook."

"I know."

"I don't understand."

She put a hand on my cheek. "Oh, one day you will. I'm positive of that." She looked around my bedroom and shook her head.

"Please explain the red curtains and the paint, Harper," Mom said after a while.

"I'm seeing a therapist," I blurted.

Mom's eyes bulged. "Why?"

"Why not? I mean... she's a really sweet person and she's helping me with my obsession over finding the perfect guy. She suggested feng shui as a way of releasing all the negative obsessions while also taking a positive hold of my life. It's working so far. I haven't felt this...buoyant in a long time."

Seeing my mother's expression I added, "Don't get me wrong, Mom, I don't know if I believe in all of it. But it's cool thinking about how I can focus on improvement rather than dwell on how all these men broke my heart."

My mom took my hand. "I know. I'm happy you're trying to let that go. I just don't want you to think that red curtains and beige walls are going to magically change your life. You need to do a little heavy-lifting yourself. Feng shui isn't a panacea, sweetheart."

"I know," I agreed. "But Mom? It's not beige. It's Shakespeare tan."

Mom laughed and kissed my cheek. "Hopeless romantic. That's my Harper."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"You painted your entire apartment?"

Dr. Penelope Lange had her hair in pigtails for this appointment, and she wore shorts with stockings underneath. She didn't seem to mind it was freezing outside.

"Yep. My friend helped me, actually. It was a lot of fun."

"Good," she smiled. "I just don't want you to get too carried away. It's fun to reorganize your life and see everything from a different angle, but if you get too focused on exactly which direction your chair should be facing, you'll go crazy. Know what I mean?"

"Totally. I'm stopping after today."

She lifted her eyebrows. "After today?"

"I desperately need some incense and crystals. Some cures and such."

"Ah, well I know of a little shop nearby. It's run by a friend of mine." A small grin flashed across her face but she tried to hide it (and failed). She rummaged through her bag and handed over a business card. "You'll like him."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

"Before you go, I just want to ask you what your ideal is with love. What do you think it is, and what would you want with it when you got it?"

I thought about it for a long moment. "I don't really know what love is. I've never been in love, I don't think." That thought made me sad. "But my ideal would be my parents. Thirty years and my mom is just happy he's cooking for Valentine's Day."

Penelope smiled. "That sounds nice."

"I want to have someone to come home to. Someone to tell my stories to and who will always side with me. Someone who buys me my favorite ice cream just because. Someone who understands when I just want to stay in and read a book, or watch a good movie. Someone who gives me a hard time because they love me. Someone who I don't know I ever lived without." I picked at my nails, just like my mother. "I think that's a tall order and it's why I'm hopelessly single."

"I just think you need to give yourself a break. Stop saying you're not worthy. Believe in yourself more. And let love flow to you, like everything else. Sounds corny but it's true."

Let love flow to me. I could try that.

I got up to leave but Penelope called me back.

"Harper? It feels good to let go, doesn't it?"

I answered with a grin.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The shop Penelope sent me to was certainly tiny. It was called Crystal Clear. Not very clever, but whatever. I just wanted to get my crystals and go home to see if they'd magically fix my problems. I had my fingers crossed. Naive and improbable, but desperation is rarely reasonable.

Wind chimes sang out when I pushed open the door. The store smelled heavily of incense. Crystals glittered in the faint sunlight coming through the dusty windows. Small, cheap chandeliers hung from the ceilings but barely gave off enough light to see everything clearly. I was about to run out, certain Penelope had decided I was a pain in the ass and was sending me to my death, when a gravelly voice shouted "Hello!"

A man materialized in front of me, super tall with short brown hair and hazel eyes. He wore a plaid shirt with the sleeves folded up and the first few buttons on top undone. His jeans had paint all over them and his fingers were stained with ink. He was rugged and serious. He didn't look like he belonged in a shop like this.

In short, he looked better than me. I was wearing yoga pants and an ill-fitting blouse, covered in a bulky coat. My blah brown hair was up in a messy bun with strands falling all over the place. I was a disaster.

He grinned after a few moments of me staring at him, and even in the bad lighting I could see how perfect his teeth were. I gave him a small smile, terrified my teeth were gritty from the four cups of coffee I had to drink earlier.

"Need a hand?"

I nearly said, "YES I NEED BOTH NOW PLEASE OH MY GOD!" but I contained myself somehow.

"Um, yeah, actually. I'm here for some crystals."

Jesus Christ. Such an idiot. He just smiled at me and nodded. "Well, believe it or not we have those here. Any in particular?"

"Rose quartz." I blushed, hoping he wouldn't know why I was asking for that particular one.

But of course he did. His pleasant grin got bigger and turned playful. "Ah, a love cure, eh?"

"You could say that."

He handed me a scoopful. "Make sure you put them in the southwest of your home. That's the love area of your house. Okay?"

"Got it." Jesus, this was humiliating!

"And you can put a bowl of them in your bedroom. Really draws the love in."

Shit shit shit. Was I blushing? We passed a mirror. Fuck, yes, I was blushing.

"What else are you looking for?" the guy asked.

"Citrine and blue kyanite."

He gathered up the rest for me.

"Anything else, sweetheart?"

Oh my God, I had to scream at my body to calm down. I was sweating even though he had no heat running through the place.

"Nope, that's it." I tried to sound natural but I sounded like a boy going through puberty who just sucked on tons of helium.

He brought everything up to the register. He rang me up with a private smile that made me want to ask him what the joke was, even though I was terrified he'd answer that it was me.

"You're getting these crystals just in time for Valentine's Day." He stuck his tongue into his cheek as he took my money from me and counted out the change. It was fucking adorable.

"Yeah," I said lamely.

His hazel eyes fixed on me. "Are you going to try a love spell, too?"

My cheeks lit on fire but I laughed in spite of myself. His expression was priceless. "Stop making fun of me! I just got this stupid feng shui book and I'm trying to make adjustments in my life."

He put his hands up. "No judgement."

"Yeah, right," I laughed, taking my change.

"No, really. I've even done a few cures like that myself. Working here will make even the most reasonable person question the power of these crystals." "Do you believe in them?"

He bit his lip and shrugged. Delicious. "Sometimes. Oh, by the way you're supposed to cleanse them before you use them. Check it out online."

"Will do."

The phone in the back rang and he scowled.

"Well, good luck with all that." He tried to look me up and down with subtlety. Luckily he was as bad at that as I was. My cheeks turned completely red Normally I'd be a little uncomfortable, but for some reason his assessment didn't bother me. "I'm sure you don't even need it. Next time you come in for crystals, I bet you'll be in love."

"Oh my God, I don't know about that."

His grin was mysterious and fuckhot. "I do."

He tipped his head at me and went into the back, leaving me more than a little lovestruck.

I stumbled back out in the sun, dazed and blind. He was amazing.

Why couldn't I get a guy like that?

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

When I got back to my apartment, I looked online for the whole cleansing process and then arranged my rose quartz the way the guy told me to. I wanted to punch myself for not asking his name, but I planned to go back in there again soon. He was too gorgeous not to try again. Maybe this time we wouldn't get disturbed by a stupid phone.

I had to go to work in an hour and I was dreadfully bored after my whole crystal cleanse. I sat down at my laptop and stared at an empty word document, wondering if my grand story would ever come. Something was tickling my brain, and it whispered it could be great if I let it just be, but I was pushing and pulling it.

And then suddenly something broke and the words burst out of me. I wrote an outline about a neurotic girl desperate for love who tries using feng shui to change her life. She meets an amazing journalist who is handsome and rich and they fall in love. He introduces her to journalism and she wins fifty Pulitzers.

Sounded beautiful to me. Only something was flat about it. There was no real life in it. Sure, she gets all she wants but there was no fight in it. No struggle. Therefore, the pay-off wasn't as amazing as it could have been.

I glanced at the time and realized I would be late for Mabel.

"Shit!"

I closed my laptop and decided to write more later. I didn't question where the muse was coming from; I'd just ride the creative wave for as long as I could.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Online dating?" Mabel applied lipstick and shook her head. "Crazy what you kids do today. Back when I was your age we met boys at dances and parties."

"It's just for fun, Mabel."

"Yeah, and so is poker."

"They have online poker," I laughed. I glanced at the shelf I was stocking. "We're almost out of Neruda."

"I never understand kids," Mabel sighed, standing up and limping over to me. "All poetry is romantic. This guy has a few good ones but Jesus. They should try something new. Every guy these days comes in here and recites the bullshit to his girlfriend, hoping to get lucky. So silly."

"Love is a war of lightning," I quoted, "and two bodies ruined by a single sweetness/ Kiss by kiss I cover your tiny infinity,/ your margins, your rivers, your diminutive villages,/ and-"

"Ugh, enough. I used to have a boyfriend who read that crap to me all the time. Any more outta you and I'll make you go in the back with Frank."

I glanced at Mabel's only other employee who was lingering by the register and shuddered. Per usual, he was wearing the same shirt. Today there wasn't any snot hanging from his nose, but I knew it was only a matter of time.

"Fine, but you probably should order Neruda if you want to make some money this month."

Mabel rolled her eyes but she pinched my cheek with a little curve of her lips. "I see Dr. Lange is working for you, kid. You have a little sparkle today."

"She's... okay. A little unorthodox, no?"

"You need a little unorthodox in your life. You're a Virgo- so uptight! See I'm an Aquarius. That's why the boys love me."

My cellphone dinged and I went over to take a peek. I had an email from the dating site, letting me know I had a message. I stepped to the side and logged in. The guy's name was Tristan and he looked a tad too preppy for me.

"Hi!" he wrote, "You seem like a really cool girl! Would love to grab some drinks with you maybe next week. Let me know! ;) "

Mabel must have been reading over my shoulder. She clapped her hands and scared the shit out of me.

"You're going."

"But-"

"No buts. Always whining about how you don't have anyone, but you never take chances, Harper! You date easy guys who float into your life and they always turn out to be terrible. You need to work a little!"

I shocked myself by responding, "Okay."

So I replied to Tristan. "Sounds great. I'm free Wednesday."

And so it began.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"What did you think of the shop I sent you to?"

Penelope dyed her hair pink since I last saw her a week earlier and yet she was wearing a very plain, conservative dress.

There was something in her expression that told me she knew exactly what I thought of it.

"The guy there is gorgeous," I admitted. "The shop is nice, too."

She poured me a cup of coffee. "I thought you might appreciate it."

"Hmm, I bet the sexy guy in there had nothing to do with it."

Penelope grinned. "His name is Anthony."

Anthony. My heart fluttered. Then I thought I was no better than a sixteen year old girl with a crush on a guy who'd never notice her and shifted my thoughts in another direction.

"So I have something to tell you."

She motioned for me to go on.

"I subscribed for online dating."

She clapped her hands together. "Good for you! Any matches yet?"

"This preppy guy messaged me. Wants to go for drinks."

Penelope flicked her purple hair. "Well, just be careful not to fall into old patterns. Have fun and keep yourself open, but remember what attracted you to those other men." She laughed. "Here's where I get all shrink-like and ask you what originally appealed to you about those past guys."

Shrugging, I sipped my coffee and thought about it. "They were easy," I finally sighed, thinking back to what Mabel said earlier. "And predictable. I always knew what I was going to get out of them. It was familiar, even if it wasn't healthy."

"Ding ding ding," she laughed. "I think you don't really need me. Sounds like you have it all figured out."

"Maybe the crystals in my room got this Tristan guy to email me!" I got excited, thinking possibly this whole thing worked.

"I wouldn't go that far," Penelope said. "You subscribed to the site."

"I was reading about bamboo plants," I went on, ignoring her. "Do you think I'd be taking it too far if I got one with two stalks and put it in the southwest section of my apartment? It's supposed to promote love."

She narrowed her eyes and analyzed me. For the first time, I really saw her psychologist-side. "Look, there's nothing wrong with doing something that comforts you as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else. I do think you're starting to put too much faith in it all, which could end up disappointing you if anything goes awry. But if you desperately want a bamboo plant, don't hold back because of what I may think. Just remember it's a plant, not a magical wand. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I want to get at those core issues inside, Harper. The issues that make you pick loser after loser when you have so much to offer." That was a bit of a downer.

When I walked out of my appointment, I saw I had another message from Tristan confirming drinks for Wednesday, and suggesting a bar that was a little bit out of my way. Wasn't really a biggie, though.

I sent him back a "I can't wait!" and a smiley. I realized after messaging him back that our date was going to be a day before Valentine's Day.

This was going to be interesting.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

On February 13th, I took an extra twenty minutes applying my makeup. I even looked up stupid tutorials online just so that everything would be perfect.

I rubbed the belly of the Buddha I bought and talked to my bamboo plant with two stalks (perfect for relationships), asking how it was doing. Before you think I totally lost my mind, I read in an article it was good to talk to them. Kept them healthy or something. I was desperate to do anything to keep them alive, especially considering I normally killed every plant I brought into my apartment (and one stalk was looking especially brown...).

I shaved my legs, I put on my best killer heels, my prettiest blue dress, and the most genuine smile I could muster. I was ready. I marched over to the bar and saw I was early. I ordered a vodka on the rocks and tried to gear up for the date.

I felt a hand on my back and turned, smiling when I saw Tristan all dressed up and looking handsome. I felt stupid dismissing him as preppy. He looked good. And I mean gooood.

"Harper?"

"Hi, Tristan, nice to meet you."

He smiled wide and sat on the stool next to me. "Nice to meet you, too. I have to confess that I'm a little nervous. I've never done this before."

"Me either." I took a drink of my vodka. "Makes me feel better to know I'm not alone."

He chuckled and it sounded a bit false. His eyes veered around and I noticed he was checking out other girls. I also noticed he looked kind of like my ex-fiancé George.

Dr. Lange's words--"don't fall back into old patterns"--repeated in a loop in my head. It wasn't fair, not this early in the date, but I could already tell this guy was used to looking good. He was too comfortable in his looks, in his personality. He wasn't really paying that much attention to me.

"So," I said, hoping I was wrong, that he was nothing like my exes and that I was just being a judgmental bitch, "I saw on your profile that you work in IT. I'm terrible with computers."

His smile was distracted. "Yeah, lots of girls say that."

Strike two, dick.

"Why do you say "lots of girls'?"

His blue eyes finally swung over to mine. "I've just found girls aren't as good as guys when it comes to technology."

"That's kind of a wild generalization... My best friend Anna is amazing when it comes to-"