Mason Ch. 07

Toni looked at him not quite believing him but made her decision.

"Thank you. Let me tell my parents that I'm leaving."

Fifteen minutes later, Mason was driving Toni to the cemetery. He parked as close to the site as he could and waited in the car as Toni walked to the site and sat on the ground in front of the headstone.

Toni sat down, reached out and ran her hand over the headstone softly saying James' name as she traced the letters of his name with her finger. For several minutes, she didn't say anything not knowing where to start and then decided to start with the present.

"I am so fucking mad at you! You weren't supposed to leave me and Jamie, we were supposed to watch him grow up, go to college, get married and have babies for us to spoil. We were supposed to get old and call each other old man and old woman like they did on 'The Walton's'. This isn't supposed to be happening! We're supposed to be at home with Jamie getting him ready for bed so that we could make love. I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TALKING TO YOUR DAMNED HEADSTONE!" she screamed at the headstone as tears ran down her face. "I miss you." she sobbed softly. "And so does Jamie. Remember the man that helped me get you home that night you got shit faced drunk the night I broke up with you? I guess you wouldn't, I'd never seen you so drunk but anyway, he's here and he's trying to help me get over losing you but I don't think that I can or ever will. You were the best part of us, you had so much faith in me and that I would learn to love you. Do you know what really hurts? What really hurts is that I in my fear or stubbornness or a combination of the two robbed us of three years together. It wouldn't have made this any easier but we would have had that time.

I am so sorry that I robbed us of that time. I am so sorry that I put you through so much before I saw sense and James? Even though I didn't always act like it, I loved you. I don't know why I was so scared by that, maybe it was because I was afraid of something like this happening. But as angry as I am and as much as I hurt right now, I wouldn't trade any of our time together."

Toni stopped talking for a few minutes before continuing.

"The past year has been one of the most difficult times of my life. Even now I still expect to hear you walk through the door calling out hey sweetness, I'm home! Remember that mess that Jamie and I cooked up? I got the recipe from the food channel? You were ready to call HAZMAT. I miss those times; I miss the jokes about my cooking. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty because I couldn't save you. Every day I replay the weeks before you died in my head and try to figure out what I missed and I keep coming up empty handed.

But I didn't miss anything did I? And you knew. You knew that you were going to leave us, that's why you made the videos and why you had such a hard time going back to work and if I think about it, I knew too. That's why I wanted to stay at home with you and Jamie; I just didn't want to acknowledge it. James, I'm scared."

Toni stopped talking again because she was crying again.

"I'm scared because I don't know what to do now that I can finally tell myself that you're not coming back to us. I wish that I could see and hear you one more time but that isn't possible is it?" she asked sadly. "I promise that Jamie will know who you were and how much you loved us. We'll be back tomorrow so that our parents can visit with you; I just needed this time alone with you. I hope that you're someplace good, where you're healthy and doing all of the things that you love. Good night baby, I love you."

Toni sat by the headstone for another ten minutes before she got up and went to the car. She had just begun to heal even if it didn't feel like it.

*****

Mason's phone rang several times as he waited for Toni. When he saw the ID he groaned and then cursed. Lydia. He ignored the call the first two times and answered on the third, he needed to know where she was.

"Hello Lydia."

"Mason! You didn't answer my last two calls."

"I apologize but I was with a client, what can I do for you?" he asked.

"I just wanted to thank you again for meeting me. How is your client?" she asked.

"Getting better, you know that losing a loved one can be such as hard thing to adjust to." Mason replied.

"Oh dear." Lydia replied. "I am sorry for her, it is a her is it not?"

Mason saw red flags.

"Ah, no." He replied.

"Hmmm, well at any rate, I have another reason for calling." Lydia replied.

"Yes?"

"I thought that we got along quite well didn't you?" Lydia asked.

Shit.

"It was nice to have coffee with you." Mason replied cautiously.

"Maybe we could do it again sometime? After all we are both unmated." Lydia said.

Fuck.

"Well, as tempting as that is, I must decline. I am recovering from a loss myself and need more time alone, I'm sure that you understand." Mason said.

Lydia hesitated.

"Of course I do! Perhaps you would like to talk about it over dinner?'

Fuck. Fuck.

"Why don't we do this, if and when I'm ready to talk with someone, I'll give you a call?" Mason said as he kept his eyes peeled on Toni.

"Alright." Lydia said. "Call me soon." she said and hung up.

As soon as Lydia hung up, Mason called Dr. Kirkland.

"Mason Donahue here, please tell me that you have Lydia Smythe in your custody." He said not giving the man a chance to respond.

"Dr. Donahue? Yes we have her why?"

"Because she just called me is why, she wants us to get together." Mason replied.

"Well, she's become quite fixated on you..."

"I really don't give a fuck! Just keep an eye on her!" Mason snapped and hung up.

Mason watched Toni as she talked to her dead husband and hoped that she felt a measure of peace.

*****

The drive back to Toni's house was quiet. Mason left Toni alone with her thoughts but sensed that she did indeed feel slightly better. It wasn't over by a long shot but she had made a start toward reentering the world without James.

"Thank you." Toni said when Mason pulled into her driveway.

"You're more than welcome." Mason said as he got out of the car.

Toni waited for Mason to open the car door for her; James did things like that for her. At first she thought that he just did it to piss her off but she soon came to realize that he was raised to be a gentleman and she grew to like being treated as a lady. She smiled as she remembered all of the jealous looks that she used to get whenever they were out together.

Mason walked her to the door and handed her another card.

"I don't sleep well at night so if you need to talk, call me."

Toni took the card and looked at it. She wondered what he charged not that money was an issue; James had made sure that it wasn't but the man had to be paid.

"Send the bill here and I'll make sure that you get paid." Toni said.

Mason started to object and thought better of it. If he declined payment, she would want to know why and they were a long ways from that.

"I'll send one to you this week." he said and then bid her a good night.

****

Jamie was already tucked in when Toni went inside.

"We read to him already." Gina said looking up when Toni walked into the living room.

"Thank you." Toni said avoiding Gina's eyes.

She knew that Gina blamed her for James' death even if she never said anything. It was in the way that she looked at her and in the tone that she spoke to her just like now. Toni even knew that to some degree Gina never really believed that she loved James even though Barbara and she had become friends. Toni also realized that she and Gina had never really talked other than superficially and about Jamie but they never talked about James.

Toni sat down on the couch next to Gina and looked over at her.

"I really did love him." Toni said softly, "and if I could have saved him, I would have."

Gina looked at Toni but didn't speak.

"I miss him so much and if I could wish for anything at all it would be for him to walk through that door. I know that you don't believe that and I know that you never really believed that I loved James but I did and I do just as I know that you loved him and love him still. I can only tell you how sorry I am that I was unable to save him and that I relieve those days everyday wondering what I missed or what I could have done to keep him here with us. Tonight, I realized that there was nothing that I could have done to change what happened. It doesn't make it any easier to accept but..."

"When James first told us about you, I was angry and upset. I even remember asking him if that school didn't have any nice white girls but I adjusted and as you know, your mother and I have become good friends. Even so, I questioned whether you really loved James, if his money was the attraction. Robert never doubted that you loved him and didn't have a big problem with you from the start but...

When James got sick that first time, you saved him. You saw something and you acted on it, why not this time? Why couldn't you have saved him a second time?"

Toni didn't know what to say. She had no answers.

"Gina, I have no answers. I don't know why I didn't see that there was something wrong but you have to know that if I had seen something, I would have acted. I loved him." Toni said crying again. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him."

Gina moved closer to Toni and hugged her; the two women sat on the couch grieving together.

"Toni, I'm sorry that I thought that you really didn't love James. I can see that you did and that you still do, he loved you too."

Toni closed her eyes in relief, another step toward putting James to rest had just occurred.

****

Mason went home and hoped that Toni would be alright. He sensed that she would be but things could change so quickly. Tomorrow was going to be a long day for her and he wished that he could be with her; he thought about going to her house tomorrow night and decided against it. She needed time to complete the grieving process on her own. If there were any problems he was confident that her mother would call him.

Mason loosened his tie on his way to the kitchen; he stopped at the bottom of the stairs leading to his room. Someone was here. He vanished from where he stood to outside of his room, he slowly opened the door to see none other than Lydia lying stark naked on his bed.

"What the fuck? How'd you.... Never mind, get dressed." Mason said firmly.

"I thought that I could help you feel better." Lydia said pouting.

"Lydia, I don't want you here now get dressed." Mason said as he called Dr. Kirkland.

"Dr. Donahue, I was about to..."

"She's at my home, now get your asses here and get her!" Mason yelled into the phone.

Lydia watched Mason her eyes narrowed.

"You're doing it again." she said icily.

Mason looked at her and decided that he had had enough. He sat down on a chair and looked at Lydia.

"What is it that you really want from me?" he asked. "And don't hand me that shit about a mate because we both know that it isn't going to happen so what do you want?" he asked again.

Lydia didn't answer him but got dressed and sat on the bed.

When Dr. Kirkland arrived to get her, she didn't speak but left without a fuss. Mason hoped that he never saw or heard from her again.

****

Toni slept very little; she spent the night thinking about James. Talking to him and then Gina had helped and she suspected that she would hurt for a very long time. She glanced at the outfit that she was going to wear and decided not to wear it. James had always liked her in yellow although she never understood why. Of all of the colors with maybe the exception of pink, yellow was her least favorite.

She got out of bed and went to the half empty walk in closet and pulled out the dress that James picked out for her for one of their weekly dates. She would wear that she decided as she looked for the matching shoes. She put the black pant suit in the closet and hung the dress in its place.

The next morning, everyone was in the kitchen waiting for her to come out. When she came out wearing the yellow dress, everyone looked at her.

"James picked this dress out for me for one of our dates, he... he liked me in yellow." Toni said by way of explanation.

"You look lovely." Gina said as she held out her hand.

"Mommy pretty." Jamie said.

"And you are a very handsome young man." Toni said as she bent down to give him a kiss.

The time at the cemetery wasn't as stressful as it could have been and Toni knew that it was because she was able to spend time alone here. Toni waited until everyone had their time and took Jamie by the hand and led him to the headstone.

"This is where your papa is, well his body anyway. The real him, his soul and spirit are up in heaven and he's watching us even now. He would want me to tell you that he loves you and that he is so proud of you."

Toni hugged Jamie to her as she said a final good bye to James; she felt a stab in her heart as she let him go. As the tears fell, she felt warmth on her neck. It was on the spot where James had always kissed her when they left for work in the mornings. He had just kissed her good bye.

Two weeks later

Toni still cried whenever she thought of James but she was able to say his name and she was able to say that he died instead of he went away. Slowly her appetite got better and she smiled on occasion but she found the nights to be the worst. The nightmares no longer plagued her but she still woke up expecting to find him next to her, when she realized that she was alone, she would cry herself back to sleep only to wake up again to find herself in the bed alone.

One morning, she was home alone. Her parents had taken Jamie to the park and were going to do some shopping afterwards. Toni looked up and saw the box of videos that James had made for her and Jamie. She recalled wishing that she could see him and hear his voice again and now she could if she was brave enough. She dried her hands on her jeans and took the box down. After for what seemed to be an eternity, she took out the first disc and put it in the player and hit play.

"Hi Sweetness..."

And she lost it but she let the disc play all the way through. She played the disc over and over until she could watch it without falling apart. When she could do that, then she could really listen to what James was saying, she could watch the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled or laughed. Her parents and Jamie came home to find her watching the disc.

"Papa!" Jamie said and sat down next to Toni.

"Yes, baby, that's papa." she said hugging him.

****

Mason hadn't seen nor talked to Toni since the night he took her to the cemetery, that had been four months ago. He periodically talked with Barbara who told him that Toni was slowly reemerging into the world and that she had finally watched all of the videos except for the last one. James had made it two weeks before he died. Mason cautioned Barbara not to force it.

"She'll watch it when she's ready." he told her.

*****

"Honey, why don't you do something fun?" Barbara asked Toni one night.

"Like what?" Toni asked.

"I don't know, maybe a movie?"

"I don't feel like it and I don't like going to movies alone." Toni replied.

She knew what was coming. Her mother had been hinting that maybe she should get back into the social scene. It was too soon, James had only been gone for a year and a half.

"I saw a poster at the supermarket about a singles group, they go dancing and things like that, maybe you should check it out." Barbara said as she loaded the dishwasher.

"Mom, I'm not ready for that so can we please drop it?"

"I'm just saying..."

"I know what you're saying and I'm just not ready for that." Toni repeated trying to keep the impatience out of her voice. She also knew what was coming next.

"Your father and I have been talking; this is an awfully big house maybe you should sell it...."

"No."

"But..."

"I'm not selling my house. James bought this house for me and I'm not selling it." Toni said and walked out of the kitchen and into her room.

Barbara cursed at herself, she had done it again. In her desire to see Toni happy she had pushed too hard, she thought to go to apologize but decided to wait until later when Toni wouldn't be so upset.

Toni knew that her mother meant well but she had to do things on her own timetable like that last video disc. It was the only one that she hadn't watched. The others she had watched several times alone and with Jamie, every time she watched them she became more aware of just how much James loved them and if there were any way possible, he wouldn't have left them. Over the past months, her anger at him slowly dissipated with the help of the videos, the pain in her heart was now a dull ache that could escalate without warning into a full blown pain that took her breath away.

****

Mason continued to see clients human and vampire both to fill his time, he still hadn't seen nor talked to Toni. He also hadn't heard from Lydia although he called to check on her whereabouts frequently. Kirkland had finally gotten smart and taken Lydia to a maximum security psychiatric hospital for vampires. From time to time she still asked about and for him but he never called or went to see her, that would just be asking for trouble.

One evening as he was finishing his notes, his phone rang.

"Dr. Donahue?" a female voice said.

Toni.

"Toni?" Mason asked. "Is everything alright?"

"As well as can be expected I guess." Toni replied.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"You never sent me a bill for your services."

"Oh, an oversight on my part. I'll mail it tomorrow." Mason said.

"That's fine. Thank you." And she hung up.

Mason absently tapped his fingers on his desk as he wondered about what he should do. Toni was his mate of that he had no doubt even though she still didn't feel drawn to him. Initially, the problem had been him because he couldn't let Katrina go, and then Toni hadn't let James go until a few months ago so that meant that there was still something between them that was keeping them apart. But what? But there was an important question that he had to ask himself, even if Toni came to him, could he love her as she needed to be loved? James had loved Toni in a way that he hadn't been capable of at the time. He also remembered Eustace telling him that when he turned Toni down for a drink that night, he had in essence released her to be loved by someone else-James so what if James hadn't released Toni? It was definitely food for thought.

The next question was this, what could he do if James hadn't released her? Would he have to do what Ethan did with Katrina and woo her in the human way? It was a possibility he supposed and not an unwelcome one. There had to be a reason for why he didn't feel more of a pull toward her. The next question he had to ask himself was, had he truly let Katrina go?

Mason closed his eyes and searched himself, there was that little part of him that no one would be able to touch but then Toni also had a part of her that would never belong to anyone else but James. That put them on an equal playing field more or less. Did he feel threatened by not having all of her? No, he didn't. He actually owed James a debt of gratitude for the way that he had cared for and loved Toni.

He went down a mental check list making sure that there was nothing on his end that he needed to rectify and came up with nothing but then he wasn't an objective observer. He picked up the phone and called Eustace.

"Mason! How are you?" Eustace said when he answered he phone.

"I'm good; I'm assuming that the mated life agrees with you?" Mason asked.