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Click hereOne word: pacing.
This was a barrage. Here's the first line: Oh ya baby I love when you lick my tits like that. Say what? You want to do what? Oh of course you can do that! Sure go for it. Stick your fingers in my snatch. Can you feel how wet I am already? My sweet juices running down your fingers! Why don't you take them out and taste me!
Realistically, this would be spaced over several minutes (even accounting for the fact that we don't get the other half of the conversation. Take a breath!), not 10 seconds. Have a look at this edit:
Oh ya baby I love when you lick my tits like that (Moan).
"Say what?"/"You want to do what?" (make it simpler by only having one of these lines. They are serving the same purpose anyway)
"Oh, of course you can do that!"/"Sure go for it." (only have one of these, there's no need to say both, as that implies that your male participant goes something like "wait, are you sure?" in between, which would have been fine if she was the one to suggest the fingering, but she wasn't.) Stick your fingers in my snatch. (more moaning) Can you feel how wet I am already, my sweet juices running down your fingers? (she's being more dominant here, so have her lines to reflect that if that was your intention). Take them out and taste me!
You need an editor/proofreader and discuss the line with whomever you have read them, some of this didn't feel like it came natural to her and dirty talk for the sake of talking dirty is not sexy. It not only has to sound hot, it has to sound natural.
love you hop;d you l
kiss you in tyour thun let you feell locl new and hold you anf boom boom pow ie love come true let you say sont stop tidht there oh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy neame
The sounds on Just sex were good. Stick to that as the orgasm from lady sounded real enough. Keep Joe from talking though... he sounds like a wimp.
Lady- don't read anymore. Just bend over and let your real sounds come out as those are good and sexy (especially when you grunt ike an animal).