Should've Been

"Jake my birthday is coming up," I told him one morning. "Were you planning on getting me a present?"

"I'll buy you anything you want Aubrey," he said. "It doesn't have to be your birthday."

"You have two choices," I said. "I want either, one night of you making love to me all night, like we used to, or three months of marriage counseling."

I guess I should have been hurt, but as we sat down in the therapist's office, I felt like it might help us.

The first two sessions were spent getting us to feel comfortable and safe in the office. The next week we started out with honesty. The therapist had warned us that the truth sometimes hurt, but we had to get all of those feelings out in order to get past them.

Jake started first. He told us everything he had ever felt from the very first time he saw me until my fuck up. Some of the things he said I had never known. It really opens your eyes when someone says that you're the reason they do everything. I had been so much more than a wife to Jake. I always knew that he loved me, but he made it clear exactly how he'd always felt about me. Then he talked about how he felt now. He talked about how beautiful he still found me. And he talked about how I was even sexier since having our son. He was brutally honest when he talked about wanting to blow my belly up again. Hearing him talk about got me so worked up that I swear I'd have let him fuck me right there on the floor of that office if he wanted to.

"So is that what the two of you will do when you get home?" asked the doctor.

"Of course not," said Jake.

"And why not," asked the doctor.

"We're not like that anymore," said Jake.

"So you don't love her anymore, then?" asked the doctor. Jake looked out the window. "It's fine you can be honest, here. Maybe we can explain why you stopped loving your wife. Is it because she had sex with another man or is there some other reason?"

Jake spoke so low that we almost didn't hear him. "What was that?" asked the doctor.

"I said I still love her," mumbled Jake. "But, she isn't mine anymore."

At that point I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and I ran out. Back at home, Jake came in while I rocked his son to sleep.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I thought that I was supposed to be honest."

"Jake, it's not your honesty that hurts me," I said. "I know what I did to us...to you most of all, but you have to understand. Whether you believe me or not, I AM yours. I'm just as much yours as this baby or that evil looking car. Why the hell do you think I've gone without sex for more than a year? I made my mistakes and I won't repeat them, EVER."

The next week was my turn for total honesty. And I told the truth. I told them about how broken I was and now disconnected. When we first met Jake, I knew there was something different about you. I told them everything almost...I left out the other times that I had sex with other men before I was caught. It wouldn't make Jake feel any better and since I was never going to do it again, they didn't matter. I told him about my trysts with Steve and how I came to discover that I did have love in my heart for one person.

I thought that my story would explain to him now much I loved him and why what had happened could never happen again. But who the fuck can figure men out. When I was done, I expected him to understand me more, but I was wrong. My honesty was my undoing.

"You lied to me for all of those years," he said. "Every time you said it was a lie. For years when we made love and I bared my heart to you, you were lying to me. Every time you sent me off to work and kissed me goodbye and told me you loved me, thousands of them. They were all lies. When we stood in front of God and all of our friends and you swore to be faithful to me, you lied. Every God damned day before your great epiphany, you lied to me. You looked me in the eye and smiled at me while telling me lies."

"Honey you're taking this all wrong," I said. "You're the first and only person I've ever loved."

"How do I know that you're not lying now? He asked.

Things got really bad after that. We didn't even sleep together. Jake woke up early and left before I awoke most mornings. He stayed out long after he got off work. He came in just in time to put JJ to bed and then went to bed himself.

Finally one evening I took the baby from his arms and he shook his head. "The three of you would have been good together," he said.

"How?" I asked. "...Your son and I being with that asshole would not have been good. He would have run out on us. JJ is your son, Jake. He isn't Steve's."

"He should've been," he said. Then he handed me the divorce papers and walked out of the house. I guess he'd been working on it again ever since my day of honesty. And looking back on it, I can't say that I blamed him. Jake being truly honest with me yielded the fact that he loved me even more than I ever thought. For the past two years he'd been tearing himself apart. He was unable to reconcile the fact that he still loved me with the fact that I had lied to him again and again. My day of honesty had given him only more bad news, especially the fact that I never really loved him until it was too late.

Being with me was killing him. Being without him would slowly kill me. But I really do love him, so I let him go. I didn't have to ask him for anything in the divorce. He was very generous. But every day I died a little bit.

I gave him joint custody and allowed him to come and pick up JJ any time he wanted. My hope was that in time he would come to want me back. I continued seeing a therapist. I had a lot of issues to work out, but in the end there was nothing he could do for me. I was simply unable to care for anyone other than Jake.

I got myself a really good vibrator and gave it regular workouts. I also kept on touch with Brenda. She told me that Jake was working way too hard and way too long but he had nothing else in his life. He lived for those afternoons with our son. He wasn't dating anyone or seeing anyone. In Brenda's opinion he was slowly dying.

I decided to do the most selfless thing I could do for him. I arranged for a chance meeting with a really nice woman. She was about my age and while she wasn't me, she was really pretty and really innocent. No games for her. We set her up as a friend of Brenda's who'd stopped by to go to lunch with her.

My heart broke on the day that it happened. It's been said that any decent looking woman can get any man she wants. Well Erica took one look at Jake and Brenda was sure that Erica wanted Jake. He didn't give her a second look. When she upped her game from innocent seeming flirting to a full court press, he dropped the hammer on her. He told her flat out that while he appreciated the attention, he wasn't interested.

So that brings me to where we started. The man I love more than anyone also loves me. Neither one of us can or will be happy with anyone else. I just need for him to forgive me and give me one more chance.

"So, Jake, how about a weekend getaway with your ex?" I asked.

"Thanks for the offer," he said politely. "But I have plans."

"I'm sure," I said. "Another night alone watching TV for both of us, right?"

"Aubrey, you're young, you're beautiful. Go out and find someone. We're divorced."

He got into that car of his and drove away. A single tear rolled down my cheek for my sad little story. I love him. He loves me, but we just can't seem to get together.

* * * * * *

Jake

As I pulled away from the house, I felt a pang of regret. I loved her so much. I always had. And from the look in her eyes, maybe she did love me. The saddest thing was that neither one of us was happy without the other. I wish I could figure out what it was that kept us apart.

When I got to the freeway, thoughts of my emotional problems faded in the face of concentrating on weaving in and out of traffic. Then, I saw it up ahead. That red Camaro and this time I didn't have my son in the car. My heavy right foot dropped and I jerked the wheel to the left and in seconds I was next to the Camaro.

The guy saw me and hit the gas. We both lurched forward. The needle on my speedometer ticked around the circle. One hundred, one twenty, one thirty and the Camaro fell back. At one forty I was clear and moving on with the Camaro claiming the spot in my rearview mirror that was permanently reserved for losers. The guy flashed his headlights and we pulled off of the freeway.

I pulled into the parking lot of a crowded restaurant. I was too smart to meet some guy I didn't know in a place that wasn't very public. As he pulled up the tinted window on the driver side came down a bit so he could get a good look at me and then the door opened.

"Nice race," I said. "What did I win?"

"Whatever you want Mr. Adama. But how about a date first?" she said. I recognized her instantly. It was the tall lanky police detective.

"Police woman by day, street racer by night, right?" I laughed.

"A girl has to have some way to let off steam," she smiled. I heard you finally divorced that crazy bitch you were married to," she said. "So how about we meet here tomorrow night?"

"Okay," I said. "Why not?"

As the next day passed I found myself looking forward to going out. I was looking forward to just spending some time with someone, anyone. After work I got into my car and drove to the restaurant. As soon as she pulled up, I saw her out of the window. She looked great when she walked in and sat down. Every guy in the place was staring at her. I knew what I needed to do as soon as she sat across from me.

We chatted for a while, but I had to get out of there. I wasn't where I was supposed to be. I bought her dinner and thanked her for her time, and then I got out of there.

Ten minutes later I was knocking on a door. As soon as she saw me in the peephole the door opened.

"Hi, Honey, sorry but he's asleep. You want to come in and look at him. I watch him sleep all the time. He breathes like you do while he's asleep. I grabbed her and kissed her. She didn't offer any resistance. I opened her robe and lifted the cups of her bra off of those incredible breasts.

She pulled her own panties down and lay back on the couch. She wrapped her legs around my waist and started moaning before I got my pants off.

Our flesh melted together like we were two parts of the same being that had been separated for too long. The funny thing was that she didn't ask me anything about what had happened. After we were done she kept herself wrapped around me as if she was afraid I'd disappear. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled the blankets over us.

"Are you staying for a while?" she asked. "Or is this just a drive-by fucking?" I sighed.

"Jake it's okay with me either way," she said. "Whatever you want is fine. I'm just so glad you're here." That was when I noticed that she was crying.

"Aubrey, why are you crying?" I asked.

"I'm just so happy you're here," she said. "I'll take whatever I can get."

"Aubrey, I love you," I said.

"I know that stupid," she said cuddling even harder against me. "And I love you too. Maybe it took me longer, but I needed you to teach me how. And I'll wait for you forever."

"Okay, we can talk about it in the morning," I said.

"You're spending the night with me?" she asked excitedly.

"No, I'm spending forever with you," I said yawning. She hugged me even more and for a few minutes nothing was said.

"Jake?" she asked.

"I know it's your first night back and all..." she said.

"Mm Hm..." I replied.

"Can we do it again?"

This time we lived happily ever after.

The end