Thicker Skin

The shelves of the library acted as acoustic baffles, swallowing the sound of rambunctious high school students yelling and laughing and roughhousing in the hallways outside. A few female students entered, allowing the sound to follow before closing the door behind them.

Erin glanced up at them with a worried frown while pushing her glasses up with a bent knuckle. The intruders giggled with a quick glance towards the librarian before slipping between the aisles. They whispered loudly but their words were indistinct. Erin watched students through the frosted glass, jumping and tangling with each other as they passed by.

The girl's right hand made a tight fist against the pages of the book she was reading.

Passing me by, she thought to herself, chewing on her lip as she watched the procession outside the huge room.

Not for the first time, she felt a wave of sadness wash over her. She'd drifted away from her classmates over the years but it grew worse when they entered high school. She'd seemed to miss some memo or meeting where everyone changed. They'd filtered into cliques and grew more daring while she continued as before. No, worsened; withdrawing more fully into herself and the books she loved. Living other lives more interesting and full than her own.

College was around the corner. She'd celebrated her 18th birthday months ago and yet she felt life passing her by. Racing past. Ender's Game lay open on her lap but she ignored it, staring a thousand miles away.

It was the dumbest thing but what she regretted mostly was that she hadn't even had a first kiss. She'd watched with envy as couples formed, broke apart, re-formed and often splintered angrily in drama-filled rants that dragged other students in its wake, in person and in chat groups and she still missed it. Wanted to be wanted.

"Douglas," she whispered, hanging her head before brushing blonde hairs aside. He was handsome and popular with an amazing smile and often visited her daydreams when she lay in bed. Already she could feel the slow tingling forming and flowing as her body woke to the thought of him, readying itself for what usually came next. She pressed her thighs together and swallowed, ignoring the oncoming wetness and the urge to touch herself.

She wasn't stupid, she knew he'd never date her. He probably didn't even know she existed, despite being in a few classes together.

It was childish and fantastical but she just wanted a kiss. In her daydreams, nearly always preludes to masturbation, she approached him, confessed her attraction to him and asked if he'd kiss her, knowing she was going off to college on the other side of the country and they'd never see each other again. He'd laugh, she would grow embarrassed and start to leave but he'd grab her and hold her tight while kissing her deeply.

Silly, yes, but the daydream kept returning over the past year until it took root and became something more than fantasy.

The tingling worsened and she looked down her small chest while hooking her ankles together. Her top teeth dug into her bottom lip while she breathed heavily through her nose. It was bad enough now that she could smell herself as, in her mind, Douglas was nibbling at her neck while slipping a hand beneath her shirt to play with her breast.

"Ohhh," Erin moaned, shoving her ass back in her chair. She pushed the book, closed now, between her thighs until the binding rubbed her clit. Spots of red appeared in her pale cheeks and her thin lips parted. She licked them quickly and groaned, nudging the book back and forth.

I'll ask him, she told herself as she pulled the book away. She checked the binding to ensure she hadn't marked it and then spread her legs to make sure she hadn't marked herself, either. I'll do it. I'll ask him. Tomorrow.

The girl opened the book on her lap and flipped pages until she found her place. She read and reread and reread the same paragraph while her heart raced. Shifting in place, her shirt dragged against her braless nipples. She squirmed, drawing in a sharp breath before biting her lip again. Her nipples stirred but refused to harden as the nerves within sent sharp, pleasurable jolts down her body.

---

"Tomorrow," she told herself, staring at her reflection in her bathroom mirror. She had her thick hair held back with a scrunchy and water dripped from her sharp chin. Her eyes always seemed larger than they should be but the pale gray was unique and the only thing people commented on before forgetting about her and moving on.

She had fifth period with Douglas and he was always one of the last ones to leave. Talking with his friends before getting his books together. She'd loiter and follow him until the hallways were empty.

"And then I'll ask," she said, leaning in to touch her chin.

She hated how her lips looked when compared to the girls around her. Thin and colorless where others had an incredible array of colors they used on mouths that actually looked kissable. Erin pushed her lips out and sighed. Her parents wouldn't let her use makeup and she often wondered if that was part of what started the alienation she felt from her classmates.

"I need to use the bathroom!" came a young voice.

"Just a minute!" Erin yelled back at her younger brother.

She looked down at her frost blue pajama top with happy little red hearts. Her breasts were small bumps tipped by nipples hidden behind the folds of the shirt hanging loosely against her body. She stood up straight and the shirt flattened against her. She frowned at herself and then lifted her shirt to look at her dark nipples.

Bee-stung, she thought, echoing the words she'd read in a few online stories, hidden away beneath her blankets and out of sight and hearing of her parents.

Erin's soft fingers circled a nipple as she avoided looking at herself in the mirror. She sighed while she played with herself gently, feeling the happy little spikes as her index finger rubbed the dark skin. Her thumb joined to pinch and she tightened her grip on the edge of the sink. She pulled, watching her small breast bulge outward before pushing it back to pinch harder. Her breathing was faster now as she massaged herself with the palm of her hand and her nipple hardened in her fingers.

Imagining Douglas behind her, his hands instead of hers. His crotch against her ass as-

"I'm gonna tell dad!" her brother yelled. "I have to pee!"

Dammit! Erin cursed mentally. She pulled her shirt down and stormed out with an exasperated grunt, crossing her arms over her slim chest to hide the way her nipples pressed against her pajamas.

The girl slammed her door and threw herself into bed in a huff while wrapping her comforter around her body.

"Tomorrow," she said out loud, as if vocalizing the word would harden her resolve.

---

Oh god, Erin thought, staring at her open binder on her desk. The class was restless around her as it neared the end of the period. She looked toward the front at Douglas but then lowered her head. Blackness filled the edges of her vision as her heart thudded painfully in her chest. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't have to do it. I can wait another day.

She knew herself, however. Another day would continue as she pushed the goal posts until they graduated and she lost herself in a new life in college.

A chime sounded and books closed without waiting for the teacher to dismiss them. Her hands jumped to stow her things but she slowed herself purposefully, waiting until the others filed out of the room. Finally, she grabbed her bag and stood, walking quickly to shadow Douglas when he left.

The hallway was already mostly vacant with a few straggling students but both Erin and Douglas' next class were across the hallway.

He wore relaxed bluejeans with black Nike shoes, a t-shirt with the logo for a band she didn't know and a red hoodie. He exuded calm self confidence and it thrilled her. His strong jaw and curly blond hair only made her ache more.

Now or never, she told herself, psyching herself up for what was coming. Oh, god, he probably doesn't even know who I am.

"H- hey, Douglas?" she said. Already she regretted speaking out loud.

"Oh, hey. Later Justin!" he called out, turning from her for a moment to wave at a friend further down the hall before turning back to her. "What's up? Erin, right?"

He knows me! she yelled internally, biting her lip to keep a smile from surfacing.

"Y-yeah," she told him, fidgeting before him. She grabbed the straps of her backpack and stood up straighter, both hoping he'd notice she wasn't wearing a bra and feeling horrified at the idea of her breasts showing publicly. "I- I was wondering-"

He tilted his head slightly when she didn't continue immediately and a single eyebrow raised. A muffled chime gave warning that the next period would begin shortly, drawing his attention to the large clock set high on the wall behind Erin.

"W-w-would you like t- to maybe- are- are you dating-" she stuttered, blushing to the tips of her ears as she stared at his chest, unable to meet his eyes.

"Oh, hey," he said, his voice soft. He shuffled from one foot to the other. "No, I'm not but, look, you're-"

"It- it doesn't have to- we don't have to date!" she said, too loudly. She looked up to his face and then down to his shoes. "I'm- I'm moving away to college when we graduate and I haven't- I haven't done anything. Not even- not even a kiss and I thought-"

His hand touched her shoulder gently.

"I can't be that guy," he told her. "I get what you're asking but that's not how it works for me."

Tears welled in her eyes and she bit her trembling lip while her hands tightened on her backpack straps. Unable to hold back, she sniffed as a tear raced down her cheek and she wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

"I'm sorry," Douglas said again. "There'll be other guys out there that are into you. Just, maybe in the meantime you'll need some thicker skin. It sucks now but you'll find him."

Erin nodded as her eyes watered. She waited for Douglas to go into the class and then she turned away, breathing out with a quiet, swallowed sob. She brushed her eyes harshly with her sleeves and fast-walked towards the library until the thick door hissed shut behind her. The librarian was in the corner, typing on her computer and another student sat at a table with a pile of books but she ignored them both and slipped into the aisle between shelves.

She sniffled as quietly as she could while slowly walking down the aisle. Her brain unhelpfully replayed the interaction endlessly, alternating expressions on Douglas' face ranging from pity to disgust in its effort to bring her down. She shrank into herself in return, desperately pushing away the memory while it relentlessly ignored her.

The light seemed dim in the back of the library and she was surprised to find she hadn't reached the end yet. She turned to look back and her stomach lurched from a sudden, intense bout of vertigo. The pathway twisted in a disconcerting way that forced her to lean against the shelf next to her. Squeezing her eyes shut, she breathed shallowly until the feeling passed.

Her eyes opened to spy the aged, ragged spine of a large book on the shelf before her.

Reconstructing the Id

Its ribbed binding spoke to her as her eyes glazed over at the title. She found herself reaching for it and then using her other hand when the weight pulled against her arms. With both hands against the bottom, crossed below her chest, she held the book tight against her body. As she was about to walk back to the front of the library with her prize, she noticed a red leather chair just beyond the sudden end of the shelf.

Warmth radiated from the book, flowing into her. She felt her body stir against it and her nipples tightened, making her gasp as she scurried toward the chair. Beneath the larger title on the front of the book was the subtitle Eros and Thanatos with lusty currant coloring on the former word and glossy sable on the latter. Eros glowed faintly, radiating a golden haze until she sat back in the chair.

Erin flipped the book open, cracking it to show the middle where a silk bookmark lay between pages. As the pages settled, one turned as if pushed by the flow of air and she stared at the title of a new chapter and the text below.

As discussed before, the Id is never changing. It is the seed which lies at the heart of the Ego and Superego. It is the most basic, primal part of us that exists, a holdover of evolution that remains despite our best efforts to tame it. To make ourselves more genteel while ignoring the base desires and instincts that drove our ancestors. Gratification should be delayed or ignored in the pursuit of more nobler purposes in order to redefine the human race into something much more.

It would be a disaster to let the Id wither at the expense of the Super-Ego's moralistic control. We've shown how a chaste society would operate in just such a world and the disasters that would follow.

The Id is not something to cage or restrain while ignoring the demands it makes. We mustn't let our Ego be the subconscious mediator. This is the path towards disillusionment and indecision. If we allow reality to define who we are as a person, we'll quickly find ourselves trampled beneath the hysteric mob called Mediocrity. The guilt caused by the majority of society will flow through the Superego to cripple our Id until we are made small.

Give in. Strip away the Ego in its entirety and learn to listen to your Id and the passions within. Reshape reality around you rather than allowing reality to shackle you to your monotonous place in society.

From the diminutive ant to regal lion, our animal brethren live in the moment. When they are hungry, they feast. When they are tired, they sleep. When they are aroused, they mate. Differences are settled quickly and violently, without the need for spineless politicians and their endless red tape.

The words bore into her brain as she worked to grasp the underlying meaning of the new concepts it presented. It felt powerful and inspiring to her in a way she couldn't grasp but she continued to read, turning pages as a soft glow surrounded her.

Periodically, Erin would reach up to scratch beneath her breasts. Her nipples moved as the skin surrounding them stretched. Glandular tissue and fatty tissue formed around the lobes and ducts within and the bottom of her plain shirt slid up her belly as the shirt molded itself to her growing bosom. White stretch marks appeared on the inside and outside curves of her breasts and she scratched the new skin before leaning back to allow her to read more comfortably.

A flickering flame finally caught the girl's attention. She gasped when she saw the dark sky through the windows beyond the bookshelves. Her large breasts shook when she slammed the book shut and she jumped up, swaying for a moment when she bent to grab her backpack. The shelves twisted around her when she power walked towards the front of the library and the hallway beyond, ducking her head to try to hide from the cameras with their blinking red lights.

My parents will kill me, she moaned to herself as her heavy breasts swayed before her. They bounced with each step and she found herself growing painfully sensitive as her braless nipples continuously rubbed against the inside of her shirt. I should just take it off. Fuck it. Don't care if anyone sees me topless and, if I do, it'd just attract-

She stopped, grabbing her backpack tight against herself while examining her thought process. The idea of being topless in public was making her excited and she couldn't understand why. It was a thrilling fantasy that grew to include onlookers calling for her to strip completely and her smiling lewdly in return before stepping out of her pants, displaying herself for all to see. Giving into the lustful urges pulsing within while eyeing the men around her as they took their cocks out.

"What the hell, Erin?" she gasped, grabbing at her throat as her cheeks burned.

And yet, it didn't feel entirely wrong. She straightened herself and her shirt lifted to show her belly button as she confidently squared her shoulders and sped up to make it home before it grew too dark.

Muscles formed in her calves with each step. The gentle curves stretched the skin of her legs when they hardened beneath her flesh, bulging outward and pulling her pant legs tight. As with her breasts, thin white stretch marks appeared and then streaked upwards as the changes continued to her thighs.

Her fingers worked shamelessly at the button of her pants and then the zipper to provide relief when she felt her jeans bite into her legs. She massaged her ass and hips quickly while walking and then slipped a hand into her pants to press a thumb into her thighs, ignoring the shocked look of a man standing at a bus stop.

Erin's home stood three blocks away. She broke into a run, her bare breasts slapping painfully against her chest. Her calf muscles strained against her jeans and she found herself propelled forward faster than she'd ever run before. Wind whipped her hair and she laughed as she gave into the pleasure of exerting her changing body far beyond the limits she'd grown up with.

Stitches burst in the seams at the sides of her jeans when she stopped herself by grabbing the railing leading up to her house. She leapt up the stairs, clearing three at a time with unnatural ease before opening the front door and walking inside.

Her mother came quickly, storming in from the kitchen.

"Where have you been?! We've been worried!" her mother fussed. Red dripped from the spatula at her side and Erin's stomach rumbled when she smelled the meat sauce simmering in the room beyond.

"I'm hungry," Erin blurted out. She dropped her backpack and then frowned at her bluntness. It came before thinking, forced out when she realized she was hungry. She tried to say she was sorry but realized she really wasn't. The lie came easily to her instead. "I was studying late for a test tomorrow. Is food almost done?"

Her mother stared at her in mild shock but Erin found she couldn't care very much. She felt empowered by what she'd read and the words dug deeper into her brain, encouraged by her acceptance.

"Y- yes, almost," her mother said, lost for words.

"Okay, I'm going to change out of my clothes and be back to eat," the girl said, walking away and into her room.

Once inside her room, she turned, hand against the closed door for balance and her eyes widened when she took in her body.

Her nipples pressed hard against her shirt but it was her breasts that made her gasp. Her shirt strained against her chest now and her breasts pressed together to show impressive cleavage. Seeing them, she could suddenly feel their weight. And their softness. Full and firm before her.

She lifted her shirt, struggling to get them over her breasts before flinging it aside to ogle herself. Light blue veins stood out against the pale skin but her fingers traced the scars of the stretch marks, gasping when she realized how sensitive she was when her fingernails scratched her skin.

Erin placed a hand beneath both breasts and lifted.

"Holy crap," she whispered, staring at herself. Her stomach was lined with muscle and she only just realized her pants were unzipped and open wide enough to show her white panties. Skin bubbled up over the sides of her pants and, when she tugged at the jeans, she realized they were stuck. "I look- I look beautiful."