The Amazingly Heroic Mr. Burns

Mr. Burns was a dork. O.K., perhaps I'm being cruel and a bit insensitive...and even exaggerating. Certainly he would have been considered at least a "Nerd" by today's standards, even though we didn't use the word back then. Most students of today certainly would have considered him so. A math teacher, overly intelligent and always formally dressed which was not expected in a tough, small school environment. In my eyes, his one over riding claim to fame was that he was able to get me through Algebra and Geometry. A feat I personally considered amazing.

I think it was because he never seemed to take his sport jacket off that I found him to be just your average nerd. It was only after seeing him in the gym working out with a friend that I realized that Mr. Burns was truly... amazing. This meek and mild mannered, somewhat "Nerdy" math teacher, was a true hulk of a being, blessed with biceps that would have made the wise cracking tough guys in many of my classes shudder had they realized just who and what was under that sport jacket at which they so often hurled slanders. I was amazed, upon seeing him work out, that he never seemed to stand up for himself or put these sarcastic whelps in their rightful places, as obviously he could at any time with the flick of one of those meaty biceps.

Humility does seem to come easiest to those who are the most self assured. It has always amazed me to watch the goings on at the drinking fountain in the gym where I work out. You would truly expect that the hulks found there would step aside for no man. However, it seems the opposite. I often laugh inside at the sight of two muscular beings standing there like stringed puppets, repeating and gesturing "you first." Sometimes with so many repetitions that you feel like yelling ... ‘For God's sakes! Will one of you please drink!

It is about these Gentle Giants that I make my story.

It really did happen just as I have set it down here.

It occurred in the mid 60's at a regional weight lifting meet. At a friends urging, I had traveled some miles to watch "Nerdy" Mr. Burns compete in the State Weight Lifting Championships.I was made to understand that he had worked hard and long to be the favored in his class.

Two of his three competition lifts had occurred and, by a small margin, he led his weight division with his best lift yet to come. We watched somewhat bored as the light weight division in which many of the young boys lifting were not what most of us would consider "Muscle Men Types," certainly at least not yet. It was seriously questionable whether any of them would ever become the Charles Atlas types, in whose face no man would dare kick sand. Remember the ads??

However the Gentle Giants paid them homage by watching closely and offering assistance and words of encouragement as the neophytes struggled with weights, which were frankly a pathetically tiny fractions of their own.

It was during this period that a particularly puny young man was having a very difficult time putting up his lift . Two black leather jacketed wise guys from the back of the auditorium began casting cruel and cutting comments his way. The youth became even more enamored. Several more times he attempted to hurl the weight above his head. The Gentle Giants urging him with advice and heart felt clutched fists. Unlike in the movies where the good guy always succeed, here this day it was not to be.

He lowered his weight, unfortunately, with no energy left for further attempts. The two cruel hecklers in the back tore at him unmercifully. You could see tears welling up in his eyes. The Gentle Giants collectively hurling stares from their safe distance which had no effect. It would be a shame to see this boy quite now. He had the heart but not yet the talent. If he stayed and worked, it would most likely come. The Giants knew that.

It was at that moment when Mr. Burns hurled his warm-up jacket off and stalked up the isle toward the hecklers, his arms bulging from the recent pump produced by his championship lifts. They were street wise boys, you could tell, and his advance did not bother them. They were big boys, and there were after all two of them.

Upon reaching them, Mr. Burns arms flashed out with amazing speed. Grabbing each by their leather collars, thrusting each single handedly into the air. Pinned off the ground to the wall with their feet dangling like the condemned.

Had I not witnessed the lift, I would not think it possible. He seemed to hold them there for an eternity as the auditorium remained... pin... drop... quiet. Humility transcended over them as a curtain on a stage.

In a gentle unfaltering voice he exclaimed,"Some day that boy your making fun of will be able to do this to you. If I were you two, I'd start practicing some respect now." He gently lowered them to the ground. Not another word was spoken. He turned and walked quietly back to his place on the stage.

The crowd was transfixed upon this heroic figure. Disbelieving their own eyes, and as heads began to bob in agreement. The Gentle Giants and the auditorium's crowded masses began to stand one by one and applaud Mr. Burn's effort. The Mr. Burns who I had never seen utter so much as a sharp word in his own defense, just did what each and everyone of us would have liked to have done.

The match, which waits for no one, continued. Unfortunately soon after his heroic deed Mr. Burns was scheduled for his last lift. It was his favorite style lift. Several attempts at the meet's required weight failed. A weight I had watched him handle in practice . Everyone knew as I did, he had thrown away his opportunity to be Regional Champion in his weight class by sticking up for the poor skinny tormented boy. The applause for him, even though he failed to take the meet as expected, was thunderous .

It is unfortunate that kids today don't have many heroes like Mr. Burns. It is why I have shared him... here ... with you.

Thank you Mr. Burns, where ever you may be, thank you for being a hero ... and a Gentle Giant who taught me real heroes don't have to always impress people, but just be there when they are needed.