- Erotic Poetry
- A Single Kiss
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They'll live entirely by a single kiss,
Seizing the moment as their mouths concur;
When tongues and lips connect, they have the spur:
The voices in their minds clamour for this;
A flush spreads on her cheeks, it's effortless:
A single kiss repeated still remains
The first drop in her ocean, as he rains
A thousand more on shoulders he'd caress;
And let her eyes shine like the sea-wet stones
Which he picks out, when staring at her shore;
Quite certain that she knows just how to give
Him pleasure with a sigh; suppress the moans
Which emulate the high winds, and restore
That single kiss, by which they're bound to live.
- COMMENTS
twelveoonealmost 13 years agoI got your message, you can delete the other comment. The problem sometimes is people get too focused on a particular aspect of writing, reading. It's always a balancing act. As far as rhythm goes, this feels a lot smoother than what I remember of some of the others. And you have to excuse me, I just had a month long battle with the princes of metrics.
I already voted gave you a five (earned), keep up the good work.
twelveooneabout 13 years agoLet's play a game SO, since you seem to take a neo-formalost stance, i.e I saw your "best of the weak" comment on a poem that tries to set off poetical pyrotechnics and winds up the functional equivalent of a bottle rocket, where am I going with this? Pay attention to the words. You missed something PG did. Now yours, how far do you press the language? "The first drop in her ocean," How far do you align the words?
"moans=high winds", since I see no other contrast, I assume this is an unthinking mistake. How far do you press yourself? Looks like more of the same from you.
Your poem, some questions? Just questions. Why aren't the first words uncapped? What are you trying to accomplish by the rhythm of the first line? Is effortless/caress, true rhyme? Check the "rules". Now, since this announces itself as a sonnet, what do I compare it to?
How do I as a reader judge it? How do you as a reader judge things? I've seen too few comments from you on others work to make that assessment.
See, I can look at this and say it is rather stale, but it tries for something, and most don't even make an effort. BTW, this is nice
"eyes shine like the sea-wet stones"
But again I can read it as "drippy weight", meant to impress...who?
I gave you a 5, somethings to think about; you can delete the comment, as it I was never here.
