Even Through The Halogen

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42 words
4.38
4.5k
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Liar
Liar
59 Followers

slices of time
still life
rain pearls bounce
off shapes

domes and valves
glazed

the breathless
and the shiver
the giggles the grace
long since erased

only flashlight frames
of midnight rain
on your abandonless
display

only halogen
jade figurines
remain

 

Liar
Liar
59 Followers
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4 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousabout 19 years ago
although

it was light , it had great movement in my mind....blue

AnonymousAnonymousabout 19 years ago
I don't find this choppy

I thought it was meant to be taken in bit by bit, better absorbed that way. And I like the juxtaposition of "breathless" and "shivers." The lines seem too short for commas, which to me would be overdoing it.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 19 years ago
Not bad

But does need a bit of work. It seemed like you tried too hard chopping extra words, and I believe they're needed in this poem. Also, punctuation would really help out.

Example:

the breathless (,)

and the shiver (,)

the giggles the grace

long since erased

The giggles, the grace

Or

The giggles,

The grace

TathagataTathagataabout 19 years ago
Great

mood piece..and I'd have given it a 5 just for " rain pearls"

what a perfect description.

Nice job

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