I fall

I fall onto you…
Wanting to fall into you.
But you only let me as close as your flesh.
Your flesh that bumps and slides so awkwardly over me, under me, in me.
We struggle to find our rhythm.
We no longer hear the music that made us dance so fluidly.
You have forgotten ,or no longer care, how to make my body weep.

You keep your eyes closed as we move.
I want to tell you to look at me.
To see me.
I want you to remember, to know, to care that it is not just my body holding you, wrapping around you, moving over you.
It is my heart.

But you don’t open, you don’t see.
So I close my eyes as well, and I fall.
I fall into memory.
Fall into the time when we would cry when we made love, and my hips smooth.
Do you remember?
Do you remember we, not you and I ?

I can’t hold on.
The memory slips, fades.
My hips stumble.
We move, we switch, trying to find our place.
You move over me, behind me.
I face the wall and grip the sheets tightly.
You still don’t have to look at me.

With every thrust of you hips I whimper.
Do you love?
Do you love me?
Do you love me still?

But the whimpers are silent.
I cry out only in my mind.
I know that if I let you hear…If I let you hear my aching
It will stop, you will stop.
This act of, this farce of, love will end.

But I don’t want it to end.
I can’t let it end.
I have no pride left.
I am so much more naked than my flesh.

I want what you will give me.
Need what you will give me.
Even if it is just a taste, a teasing tantalizing taste of what once was magic.

Too soon you are done…
We are done…
It is done, this shadow movement.

You roll to your side away from me.
And I roll to my side away from you.
I don’t want to see your back to me.
You reach behind and place your hand on my hip with a touch like an afterthought.

I close my eyes and I smell our scent.
And no matter what went before, it is the same.
The same as yesterday. And all our yesterdays.
And our tomorrows.
It will be the same tomorrow.

It is enough.
I will let it be enough.
I will make it enough.
And I fall.
I fall asleep and dream of loving you.