Last Night

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jessy19
jessy19
2,733 Followers

I awake up in your arms
and watch you sleep.

You look peaceful,
like a calm winter's day.

My heart races
just looking at you.

Your eyelids are shut tight;
I can only wonder if you're dreaming.

Your eyes flutter
opening slowly, you smile.

I know you remember last night,
I know you remember me.

jessy19
jessy19
2,733 Followers
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  • COMMENTS
1 Comments
jthserrajthserraalmost 20 years ago
Again a beautiful sentiment...

that you can enhance with a bit of trimming. The light phrases can be simplified even more adding an impact to your words: Consider:

"I awake up in your arms

and watch you sleep."

I wake in your arms

and watch you sleep.

"You look peaceful,

like a calm winter's day."

beautiful, the best lines in the poem here.

My heart races

just looking at you.

"Your eyelids are shut tight;

I can only wonder if you're dreaming."

Your eyes closed

I wonder if you're dreaming.

(or shut instead of closed. I replaced eyelids with eyes so the next line can use eyelids)

"Your eyes flutter

opening slowly, you smile."

Your eyelids flutter

opening slowly, you smile.

Read those over and see what you think. By trimming away any unecessary words, the words that remain gain a dimension. There is a lovely poem here, just needed a little more work. Very good.

jim : )

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