Of A Lower Star

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wakingDown
wakingDown
653 Followers

Lonely and singing against the silent chill
Twining through uncaring emptiness fast

Fragmented amongst itself while seeking
The voice of another to join with its song

Feeble tendrils reach into the firmament
Fragile and near blind but a start at least

Fearful and hollow given words of peace
For anything that may find its little speck

Searching ever onward from their course
The minute and odd child of a lower star

wakingDown
wakingDown
653 Followers
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7 Comments
tazz317tazz317over 8 years ago
THE LONELY TRAVELER

seeking in the cosmos/

PiscatorPiscatorover 8 years ago
High praise for Low Star

Congrats for your win the month Your poem took me to places I've never been.

But I agree with Angeline, that the third stanza seems a bit disjointed. After looking at this NASA video, I quite get your awe at tendrils.

http://www.space.com/15154-dancing-star-sun-magnetic-tendrils-share-plasma-video.htm

You might want to try revising the next line to something like this

"Cast off into the void, never to return"

legerdemerlegerdemerover 8 years ago
Melancholy

Beautiful lines twining and twinning with each other. ( sorry, I couldn't resist) It feels like you've cut off gravity, and I'm spinning slowly and out of control into nowhere and everywhere. The last couplet is a wonderful closing.

Ashesh9Ashesh9almost 9 years ago
Sorry to respond late , Wakin' : am in far off

Sydney where WiFi is scarce ......5-ed !!

greenmountaineergreenmountaineeralmost 9 years ago

Melancholic without being melodramatic, Walking. You conveyed an image of darkness, something just shy of desperation for me. It felt a bit like a pilgrimage. If so, I wouldn't have used "emptiness." Even though that may be true, a pilgrim still is looking for something that's not empty.

A little heavy on the "ing" for me early on, but that's a quibble, more a matter of my preference and mentioned only to provoke some thought on your part.

Didn't you mean "his" in the second to last line instead of "their?" I don't see anything plural in the poem as an antecedent.

I don't read everyone when I visit New Poems. I do you.

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