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Click hereStanding barefoot in sand
ankle deep in thoughts
a crashing waves grasp
to tease the equilibrium
like a shifting world, pulling
drawing me away, churning
sifting granules of sand
a multitude of thoughts
kicking them up with a dragging toe
walking towards awakenings end
filled with a head full of sand
the surf tosses me another thought
in glistening grains that sparkle
among the drab brown sand
for as far as my mind can see
a speck of sand for each woman or man
those that have passed
or those which will be
living today...
is the sand that is glistening
mingled among the many
that lay across the horizon
another wave grips me
dreams come
to take you away
like the ocean's current
that draws you into the night
embracing granules that glisten no more
there at the beach of memories
drifting away in slumber's grasp
a bottle caught in the swells
drawn by the tide
slumber's embrace
thoughts come as messages;
that which walks upon the beach
will one day be a humble grain
swept away by the ocean's surf
sparkle, while you can!
~~sand~~
Just in the first stanza alone, you could drop both mentions of sand. Readers will know what your standing in and what the sifting granules are.
And try to change about half of your gerunds.
great,
i think that the constant usage of the word sand reminds us of the poems purpose, reminds us that one day this is all we will be and to live each day as a sparkling pebble while we can!
again Arty,
i thought it was AMAZING!
mentioned on today's reviews...I love your ideas here but, feel as I said you could take sand out of some of the lines ...imho...me choping.hugs/blue
Another big notch up
On the quality scale;
These grains of sand can be irritants
But from them come pearls of wisdom.
Okay, so what I said's a bit trite.
Enjoyed the read.