- Non-Erotic Poetry
- The Apple Doesn't . . .
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He bloomed stranger than most,
with Jesus flowing through cool veins,
Mozart feeding magic soil,
Tennyson pouring tepid rain,
and AC/DC burning brilliant light.
“The Golden Rule,” he would say,
ripping off his shirt,
showing tats of Jesus,
Marilyn Monroe,
Bob Marley, and a
funky five leaf clover he liked to smoke.
He helped the old lady with a flat,
took his mother dinner,
picked up a too drunk friend and
saved his odd daughter.
Daddy bloomed roses.
Me?
I’m a crazy tattooed rose taking that bloomer dinner.
- COMMENTS
DeepGreenEyesabout 13 years agoThe first few lines grab you and make you want to know more. Who IS this character? Also love the clever phrasing. "Jesus flowing through cool veins." LOVE it.
Maria2394about 13 years agocould use some tweaking, but posting it was a good idea. I post poems to get suggestions if I am not sure about something or some part of it. When i read the word "bloomer" I smiled. It's a word my grandma used for underwear. Are you a Brit? just curious...I really enjoy the poem, keep up the good work.
~ maria
vrosej10about 13 years agoBut I like it. Keep it up, the subject matter and different tone and language become you. Getting a recommend.
Angelineabout 13 years agoBut it needs some work imo.
The first strophe is too linear to me because I think what you're saying is all very different influences (Tennyson, Mozart, etc.) are in this one person. But what I get is a list sounding thing with no real connection to the person who loves them. I think you should keep the names but try to rework it so the connection is more evident.
Next two strophes are great--don't worry about the "and a"--that's an easy fix. I'd leave them where they are and also move up "funky" to that line--"Bob Marley and a funky..."
I like the idea of a longer end line but "taking that bloomer dinner" sounds not quite there for me. There are many words besides variations of "bloom" that you could choose to stay faithful to the metaphor. Maybe try something different?
Really good tho, Espie. My comments are made in that context. :-)
