- Non-Erotic Poetry
- The Day It Rained
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Note: The full title to this is
The Day It Rained
(I felt sorry for the roses)
The day that it rained
I was on the way to see my love
To love her the way that lovers do.
The rain was as cold
As the pavement below my feet
Which were walking across Madison Avenue.
I stopped and bought a dozen roses
From a woman at the corner store.
I really hoped that my love would like them
As I stood outside her door.
It was then that I discovered
That strange hollow feeling
Of which I've come to know.
It used to be a foreign thing
Not all that long ago.
You see, my love had left me,
And I didn't know where she had gone.
She must have changed her mind about me
And felt the urge to move on.
It made me feel sorry for the roses
And the role they were to play,
Their beautiful lives were wasted
And thoughtlessly tossed away.
So I began my long walk home
And stared at the darkened windows along the way.
My mind began to drift and think
About how much a life can change in just one day.
I've heard that every heart has a different beat,
Even when the lights are off and shades are drawn
And the dark of night seems to be complete,
On the inside all of the lights are on.
There maybe shadows from burning candles
Or the bulbs of a chandelier.
There could be tears
From some saddened-eyed dreamers
Who go to sleep with their hearts of stone.
Though they dream their dreamers' dreams
They always seem to wake up alone.
- COMMENTS
Tsothaabout 10 years agoI like your poem in general. I think you're telling an interesting story, and there are several lines that catch my attention. For example:
s1, l2: "I was on the way to see my love"
(Sets the scene.)
s2, l5: "It made me feel sorry for the roses
And the role they were to play,
Their beautiful lives were wasted
And thoughtlessly tossed away."
(Something beautiful and created for joy was wasted and tossed away. He felt sorry.)
s3, l4: "how much a life can change in just one day."
(He notices that all has changed.)
s3, l11: "There could be tears
From some saddened-eyed dreamers
Who go to sleep with their hearts of stone.
Though they dream their dreamers' dreams
They always seem to wake up alone."
(His thoughts on what has happened.)
I think the above sentences are the "meat" of your poem. Now, what I would ask you is this: how can you get to the meat with fewer words?
I am asking you this because I think you could improve the pacing. In specific, I would drop the rhymes. I feel like you have jammed in some sentences to keep your chosen format of rhyming. I think you should free yourself from the rhymes and condense your message into a shorter, more powerful poem. Remove sentences you don't need, then remove the words you don't need from the sentences that you've been left with.
Each person reads things differently, but think about the flow of the words. Why are you rhyming these words in such a neat format, and giving them emphasis?
A good poem; I just feel you can improve some things. All the above is just my humble opinion.
Maria2394about 10 years agoI start with the title. The complete title is better than the partial one. Also, I disagree that it would be better without the rhyme. I tend to dislike end rhyme, but yours are worked in so that it is more of an internal or off rhyme. You could improve this poem by changing a few words here and there, and some paring would help. But I enjoyed it. The story drew me in, the subject is more important than the set-up of the poem. I look forward to reading you in the future ! :)
( I like the idea of feeling sorry for the roses. )
Cleardaynowabout 10 years agoVery nice thoughts and progression - but would be better without the rhyme.
You tell a really nice story of lost love via the walk and roses - then thoughts on others' lives on the way back. Subtle thinking - and thank goodness, no self pity.
Unfortunately, I think the rhyme gives it a somewhat tum-ti-tum feel that is at odds with what is being said.
I look forward to reading more poems by you.
