A Failure to Communicate

You would think it would be easy to discuss sexual desires with someone you feel comfortable enough to have sex with, but that clearly isn't the case. The simple fact that wedo care so much often makes it harder to make ourselves vulnerable by sharing. Someone we care about has more power to hurt us than a stranger. Similarly, it can be difficult to tell our partners that they are doing something we don't like for fear of hurtingthem.

Many times I've heard people say, "I couldn't tell my partner I want to dothat. What if they...?" What? Laughed? Were disgusted? Filed for divorce? What, exactly, are we afraid of? I think we need to be more afraid of never being open enough with another person to tell them what we need and want.That is what scares me.

If people aren't saying what they really want, then it probably isn't going to happen. You can't expect your partner to read your mind. However, you should be able to expect your partner to listen to your desires with an open mind, even if they veto them at the end of the night.

So how do we go about discussing sensitive topics? First, we have to establish sexual trust in the relationship if it isn't already there. Sometimes this needs a little rebuilding.

It's hard for a woman to feel sexy and do sexy things for a man when he doesn't let her know regularly that he things she is beautiful. Even the most self-confident woman needs to hear that she is beautiful to her partner on a regular basis. Men tend to say it once and think, "she knows I think she's beautiful." The truth is that looks and feelings change. She needs to know that you still feel that way.

"Good morning, beautiful" goes a long way to making her day start right. She can hear she's beautiful all day long from a million people but YOU are the one she is in a relationship with so YOU are the one she needs to hear it from. Some men think, but I say it with hugs and kisses. Nope. Sorry, but she needs to hear the words. I love you is wonderful and necessary but it's not the same and doesn't necessarily make her feel sexy.

I recently heard a "sex expert" of some kind say that foreplay for men is pretty much the three to eight minutes before they orgasm while for women it's the twenty-four hours preceding love making. I'm not sure about the male side of the equation but the female side made a lot of sense to me. That's why it's important to touch her lovingly even when you're not interested in sex at that time. A kiss on her cheek, the touch on her elbow, rubbing her shoulders for a minute as you go by, all add up to her feeling loved and secure.

On the other side of the equation, a note to women. Men need to hear your trust and appreciation for them. Women get into a frame of thinking where they ask "why should I have to thank him for doing something he should do anyway?" For two reasons, so that he knows you appreciate him and to help remind yourself to appreciate him. It is so easy to take the people in our lives for granted but feeling and sharing gratitude for the good things in our lives can keep us mindful and make us feel better about our lives when everything isn't perfect, because, let's face it, when is it?

Understanding how our partners think and feel is important to the health and openness of our relationships but don't make the mistake of thinking that you know better than your partner what he or she meant, thinks or feels. You have to ask. And you have to trust them enough to take what they say at face value. That's hard, but the other way lies suspicion, mistrust and a struggling relationship.

It can be hard to put what we need to say into words. Sometimes it takes time to spit it out. Sometimes it's easier to write it out. Be patient. Build the relationship. Give it your time and attention, just like planting seeds in the garden, prepare the ground, plant, feed and water. Pull out the weeds by speaking up when something bothers you, and you will be rewarded.

Now, when you feel the trust is there, a couple of ideas for specifically discussing sexual requests with your partner. Set a context of caring discussion. If you just slip it in to your conversation, your partner might not know whether to take you seriously. Their response may be somewhat careless and less than you had hoped for.

It could be during the course of a romantic evening together or after you've just had a good time in bed together. Get their attention, let them know you're serious before you begin the discussion.

It could be a trade off. Start by asking if there's something they've always wanted you to do, something to please them. Then, whether or not they bring anything up, you can say, "Well, there's something I've always been interested in."

If they are less than enthusiastic at first, don't assume that's the end of it. Give them time to think about it and adjust to the idea. There are some very good articles on techniques here at Literotica that you could share. For example, if you want to have anal sex, but your partner is scared, there are articles that could help your partner understand and become more comfortable with the idea. You can find these articles using the search function of the story portal.

If, in the end, you simply don't feel that you can be this open with your partner, I have one more piece of advice. Get yourself, and possibly your partner, to a therapist or couple's counselor. You're missing out on one of the greatest aspects of having a partner in this life. You deserve that kind of trust in your relationship.