A Handyman's Memoir Ch. 42

"Steve, I want you to fuck my sister," Antony said on the phone, and he broke into gales of hysterical laughter. "I can't believe I just said that!" he said, and he laughed some more. He half covered up the phone and spoke to his partner Donald. "Can you believe I just said that?" he said to him, and he laughed again and I heard Donald's usual infectious giggle in the background. "Oh my God Steve, I'm sorry, that's just too funny," he said, sounding exhausted from laughing so hard. "Are you there Stevie?"

"I'm here Antony, what's goin' on?" I said, with a little laugh myself.

"Here's the funny part. I really do want you to fuck my sister." He tried to stifle another laugh, but it forced it's way out through his nose. "Okay, I'm gonna get control here," he said, and Donald giggled again behind him.

"Okay," he said, finally under control. "First of all, feel free to say 'no thanks' at any time. We just thought maybe you'd enjoy the challenge," he said, and another gale of laughter forced it's way through his clenched throat. "Oh my God, I'm making a mess of this." He half covered the phone again and said to Donald, "I thought we had this ready," making me think they had rehearsed the conversation, and they both broke down in laughter again.

"You know we love you right Stevie? We're not making fun of you or anything," he said, finally calming down.

"I love you guys too," I said. "So what's the story?"

"My sister Lucia, God bless her heart, is turning into a stodgy old maid before our eyes, and it makes us so sad," he said. "Every once in a while she'll have a horrible date and . . . it's just tragic Stevie, I don't know how else to put it. She's gotten so down hearted about men, and she's just retreating into her lonesome world. I know this is a completely presumptuous and odd request, but if you could bring her into that exciting world of yours, even just a little, it'd be like saving someone's life. I swear to God."

"Antony, you know I'll do anything for you and Donald . . . apart from the gay stuff of course," I said, and he laughed hysterically again, covered the phone, told Donald what I'd said, and laughed some more.

"Oh Stevie, you're a gem. One in a million," he said. "I'll tell you right now she's not a great beauty or anything, but she's a sweet person, and twenty years ago had such a spark for life."

"She sounds great Antony. If I've learned anything in these last two crazy years it's that a woman's beauty is mostly underneath the skin.

"Oh . . . Stevie, you're gonna make me cry . . . so, how can we do this?" he said. "I'd really like it if she thinks she's attracting you instead of me sending you, you know?"

"Just tell her you're sending me over to fix something at her house," I said, suddenly feeling odd about the whole thing. Antony could sense it I think.

"Yes, that's good," he said. "And Steve, forget the whole sex thing, that was crude of me and unnecessary. Just be yourself around her, that'll be plenty. Your smile'll make her feel like a million bucks. I know it does for everybody else."

———————

Antony found some things that needed fixing at his sister Lucia's place — a screen door that slammed, and a shelf that was falling apart, and he called me when he was there to set up an appointment. I went over a few days later.

She lived in a small ranch style house, on a street of identically styled homes probably built in the late fifties. Her's looked like it had some flair at one point, but it had gotten a bit run down.

"You must be Steve," she said, greeting me with a small, nervous smile below her somewhat ponderous looking glasses. She had a round face with high cheekbones, and her Portuguese heritage showed in her dark eyes, dark eyebrows, and wavy dark brown hair. "Those boys are just crazy about you."

"It's nice to meet you Lucia," I said, shaking her hand gently. "I'm pretty fond of them too, in a strictly heterosexual way of course."

Her nervous smile got even more nervous. "So, this door here . . . Antony suddenly decided it's been bothering him 'forever', and then he broke my shelf in here," she said as we walked into her living room. "I got the distinct feeling he wanted me to meet you," she said with a nervous smirk.

"Ha! Well, knowing Antony, that doesn't surprise me a bit," I said, speaking the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So far anyway.

She squinted at me a little, clearly wondering if I was in on anything. I walked to the shelf and had a look.

"I should be able to fix this up today. I'll need you to clear everything off the lower part here," I said, trying to act professional as long as her suspicion was in high gear. "Let's take a look at the door."

As we walked over she hit me with it. "Did he ask you to come here because of me?"

"Yes," I said, and her face dropped into her hand. "Don't be mad at him. You know how sweet and caring he is. He said he was worried about you."

"And just what are you supposed to do about it?" she asked with a smirk.

"This is gonna sound ridiculous coming from me," I said, smiling a little, "but just picture it coming from him, okay? He said my smile makes everybody feel like a million bucks, and he was sure it would do the same for you."

"Ha! Well that does sound like my brother," she said with a little laugh.

"Yeah, he's somethin' else. Great guy," I said with a smile.

"He was right," she said, looking at my smile, and then up into my eyes. "But then, he usually is."

"So if this is awkward, just say the word," I said. "I don't ever want customers to feel uncomfortable with me."

"No it's okay," she said. "Like I said, he's usually right, and who am I to complain. It's not like I've had any men around smiling at me for a while." She looked over the top of her glasses and smirked again. She was kinda cute.

I had a look at the screen door, and told her I'd have to get a new closing cylinder and latch and return the next day to fix it.

"So . . . am I supposed to wear something sexy next time you come? Is that how it works?" she asked, looking over the top of her glasses again.

"In the movies. Only occasionally in real life," I said with a little smile.

"Occasionally huh?" she said. "Did he pay you to be here? I just want to be clear on what's happening here."

Nope, not a dime," I said. "I'm a real handyman. A pretty good one too."

"Yeah I know," she said, still trying to feel me out. "They've been talking about you for years."

"He said you needed some work done. He said you were cute. Both things seem to be true," I said.

"I feel like this is Candid Camera or something," she said, still looking suspicious.

"Antony probably won't be happy about it, but everything's pretty much out in the open at this point," I said.

"Huh," she said. She took off her glasses, put the temple tip between her teeth and squinted at me. "He said you were cute too. Only a gay brother would say that. I'm like ten years older than you ya know."

"Who gives a shit about that? I'm just here to fix your door," I said with a wink, and she smiled.

She put her glasses back on and shook her head. "That brother of mine sure does make life interesting sometimes."

———————

I fixed the shelf and went back the next day to do the door work. Lucia answered the door in a gorgeous little wrap dress, vivid royal blue with light blue and purple accents, a batik type thing that looked right at home with her Portuguese looks. Her full, slightly plump shape filled it out beautifully, and the plunging neckline showed off her remarkable and apparently bra-less cleavage.

"Wow!" I said. "Well this is getting interesting. Just like in the movies."

"Maybe I'm just going out," she said.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry," I said, backpedaling as best I could.

She shook her head at me. "It's nine o'clock in the morning. Where would I be going?"

I smiled, but she suddenly looked embarrassed. "I'm feeling a little ridiculous here all of the sudden," she said.

"No, far from ridiculous," I said. "This is a wonderful way to start the day for someone like me."

"Someone like you?" she asked, tipping her head down like she was looking over her glasses, but they weren't there. She was wearing contact lenses and had her eyes made up beautifully.

"I love beautiful women, what can I say," I said as I walked to her. She looked in my eyes as I approached, and I kissed her. It was a long lingering kiss, full of possibilities.

"I'm gonna have to buy Antony a big Christmas present this year," she said as she led me by the hand to her bedroom.

"I can't believe this is happening," she said as she pulled off my t-shirt, and I tried to undo her dress. It was an unusual one and she said she'd do it.

"Holy shit!" she said when I dropped my pants, and she laughed. "Where the fuck am I supposed to put that! I'm just an old lady who's had sex about three times in the last decade you know!"

"Don't worry, I'm an expert," I said with a smile. I felt a little ridiculous after I said it.

"Oh my God!" she said, shaking her head. "Wait'll I get a hold of that brother of mine."

"We can go back to fixing the door if you want," I said, standing before her with eight inches of hard meat pointing at her belly.

"No fuckin' way!" she said, like it was the stupidest idea ever. "You got me into this craziness, I'm takin' advantage! Believe me, this stuff never happens to me. As in capital NEVER! You're not getting out of here for . . .at least five minutes. I don't know if I can take that thing for much longer," she laughed, looking at my cock as her tangled dress finally hit the floor.

I pressed my body against her, and my cock slipped between her warm meaty thighs.

"Add a couple hours to that and you're in the ballpark," I said.

"Oh god!" she said with an astonished look, and I kissed her hard.

She was breathing so hard I thought she might pass out, so I maneuvered her to the bed.

"No," she said. "I want you standing up first. I'm lousy at this, but I've always wanted to do it to a guy with a big one."

She slid slowly down my body to a crouching position, and my cock sprang up from between her big tits as it passed through.

"Holy shit!" she said as it slapped her in the chin, and she took it in her hand and stroked it, up close and personal to her face. "This is way better than porn."

She gave me a nervous beginner's blow-job, and I moaned and enjoyed it like it was the best I'd ever had.

"You're a good actor, I'm actually buying it," she said, smiling up at me.

"What can I say baby," I said, "any time a beautiful woman has my cock in her mouth I like it a lot."

After a few minutes she stopped and pulled me toward the bed. "Enough of that amateur stuff," she said. "I wanna see what the expert can do."

"Nothin' like puttin' pressure on a guy," I said with a smile.

"Oh please," she said. "if you don't know what you're doing around a bedroom I'm a monkey's uncle."

I pushed her down on her back and kissed my way to her well trimmed pussy, which smelled of spicy perfume.

"God you smell good!" I said.

"I may or may not have prepared," she said, and then she shrieked when my tongue split her open and landed swirling on her clit. "Oh shit!" she said, "Thank God for men who know what they're doing. I was beginning to think you were all extinct."

It took her a long time to get to an orgasm, and it wasn't the big ripper I was hoping for, but the day was young and I could tell that getting to even a small one was a big deal for her.

"That was nice!" she said quietly as she caught her breath. "Oh God that was nice!"

I picked up her legs and pulled her closer to the edge of the bed.

"Oh boy, here we go!" she said. "You really think that thing's gonna fit?"

"I guarantee it," I said with a smile.

"Do you back that guarantee with your million dollar smile?" she asked with a big-time smile of her own.

I pressed into her a little at a time, and fluttering, happy moans came from her smiling mouth.

"Oh my God! she said when I bottomed out. "I've never . . ."

I started a deep thrust into her and she went silent as she held her breath, her eyes rolling back. A big exhale and another held breath came as she lifted her head and locked eyes with me, her mouth hanging open even though she wasn't breathing again. The cycle of quick gasps between held breaths continued, and I slowly built speed and gave her a nice long fucking.

"Oh . . . my . . . God!" she said through clenched teeth as her body tensed, and the big orgasm I was hoping she'd find ripped through her.

I stood with my hard cock still in her, massaging her legs against my chest, and let her come down and catch her breath.

"So what do you like? Any positions you wanna try?" I asked.

"You mean we're not done?" she asked with big surprised eyes. "I swear to God this must be Candid Camera. Is Allen Funt hiding in my closet?"

"If he is their ratings are gonna be sky high this week," I laughed.

"You know, no one's ever asked me what I like before. I have always wanted to try something. I'm not sure what you call it. You lay down," she said, and she climbed on top of me.

"Ooo, you hit on one of my favorites," I said as she swung her leg over me. "It's called sixty-nine."

"God it feels so dirty!" she said, with excitement in her voice.

She grabbed a hold of my cock and I nuzzled on her swollen pink pussy.

"Oh my GOD!" she said. "Okay, this is good!"

We sixty-nined until she couldn't stand it any more, and then I rolled her off and took her doggy style. With my hand underneath on her clit she came hard again, and I pulled out and made a mess of her nice round ass.

"You are a dirty boy!" she said. "I've suddenly learned I like dirty boys."

"Can I ask you something personal?" I said, relaxing next to her while she played with my chest hair. "How often do you look like you did when you answered the door this morning?"

"I had to work at that. It took hours," she laughed, and then her face got serious. "I don't know, it's been years I guess. Let me clarify that . . . ten years maybe since I've really given it that kind of effort. That doesn't sound good does it."

"No it doesn't, because it's a waste of a beautiful woman in the prime of her life," I said. "I'd like you to meet some friends of mine. One in particular. Her name's Lindsey. She's actually your brother's neighbor."

"Why do you want me to meet her?" she asked.

"Because she's great, and I think you guys would hit it off. And she was sorta stuck in the doldrums for a lotta years after an ugly divorce that made her feel like less than she really was. She was heading quickly towards frumpdom, but you'd never believe it when you see her now. Everybody thinks she's hot now, and she has as much fun as anyone I know."

"And you think I can be hot? I think you're a little touched in the head. Were you ever tested when you were a child?" she smirked. "I've made my peace with not being hot and never being hot."

"Wouldn't it be fun to try it?"

"You make it sound like it's easily doable," she said. "Sometimes it's not you know. Sometimes it's not even possible."

"Yeah, I know," I said. "But I'm not talkin' about the cover of Vogue. I'm talkin' about turning heads in the supermarket. I can see that in you right now."

"I'm naked. I guess I can see how that would work," she smirked, and I laughed.

"You know you're delightful, right?" I said. "So you'll meet her? Lindsey? The worst that might happen is you'll make a new friend."

———————

"How nice to meet you!" Lindsey said as she sat down at our table at the restaurant for lunch the next day.

Small talk ensued. Lindsey and Lucia both have quick wits and good senses of humor, and they hit it off right away.

"I've become quite fond of your brother and Donald." Lindsey said. "They didn't think much of me at first, but I don't blame them, I was a bore back then."

"Oh boy, is that what my neighbors think of me?" Lucia said. "It wouldn't surprise me if they don't think of me at all."

"If you don't mind me saying so, you are a bit . . . nondescript," Lindsey said. "But you're very womanly underneath, I can tell."

"I don't mind at all. That's what we're here for I guess," Lucia said.

"Well, we're here to meet and become friends I hope," Lindsey said, "but are you open to a few suggestions?"

"I think it'll take a lot more than a few, so we better get started," Lucia said with a little smile.

"Well, the glasses have got to go," Lindsey said flatly. "Glasses can be sexy, but not those. I have a friend who's in the business. It'd be fun to go with you and help you pick some out. And the hair — I've got a good girl, or maybe the man who did Julia, he seems very good. He's a little more adventurous — that might be just what you need, and fun."

"Might as well go all the way," Lucia said with a nervous smile.

"That's the spirit!" Lindsey said with a big smile. "As far as clothes, I'm going to call Carol and see when she and Julia are available. Carol's an artist and a wonderful judge of what looks right on a person. You can come too if you want Steve, for the male perspective."

"I think you guys have got it pretty well figured out these days." I said.

"You know Lucia, your brother's picking up the tab for every bit of this," Lindsey said.

"Oh," Lucia said quietly, and her eyes welled up with tears. "Sorry," she said with a sniffle as she wiped away a tear. "He's just the best brother . . ."

———————

"Steve, you dear sweet man," Antony said on the phone a few day's later. "Lucia's alive again thanks to you and Lindsey and your friends. I don't even know what to say."

"You just said plenty my friend," I said. "She's such a great person to be around, but I should have known that, being your sister."

"I haven't seen her this engaged with life in almost twenty years," he said. "I really don't know how to thank you."

"You may not be thanking me when you get the credit card bill for her clothes," I said, and Antony went into one of his wonderful gales of laughter.

———————

The next time I saw Lucia was at the same restaurant. She invited me to thank me, and, I'm sure, to see if I approved of her new look. It sounds like an old cliché from a movie, but I didn't recognize her and did a double take as I was walking past her at the bar.

"I tried the naked thing in the supermarket. It worked pretty well," she said with a radiant smile as I stopped in my tracks.

"No need to be naked when you look like this!" I said. "Wow, you look fantastic!"

"The first couple of days it all felt really over the top, but I'm getting used to it," she said.

"Are you getting used to that?" I asked, tilting my head toward a man who was clearly checking her out.

"I'll never get used to that," she said, tugging at her dress nervously. "Do I look too slutty?"

"Absolutely not!" I said. "Classy, but not flaunting it classy. Middle class classy, with a good dose of sexy, if that makes any sense."

"Good, I can live with that," she said with a smile.

We got a table and sat down and ordered.

"Which came first, the hair or the glasses," I asked.

"The hair. I just picked up the glasses this morning," she said. "I went to Julia's hair guy. He's a completely flamboyant artiste. It was so fun!"

"He does great work," I said. "He totally transformed Julia. Did she tell you what she used to look like?"

"She showed me pictures. Lindsey too," she said, and she paused, looking deep into my eyes. "So I've been hearing a lot of stories about you."

"Uh-oh," I said. "You're not one to mince words. Should I be worried about what's coming next?"

"No," she said with a little smile, her eyes twinkling.

Our food came and the conversation flowed freely. Lucia picked lightly at her grilled chicken caesar salad.