A House Divided Ch. 01

Ch. 01: I don't want to hear what I don't want to hear!

I remember the day that it all started to come apart. My wife, Jo, had come home earlier than usual and she had a look of excitement about her that I hadn't seen before. She virtually bounced into the house, coming in from the garage, through the laundry room and into the kitchen; our normal family meeting room at almost any time of the day. I was standing by the refrigerator having just extracted a beer when she arrived, wrapping her arms around me, and giving me a big kiss and a strong squeeze.

"Guess what happened to me today?" she chirped.

"You won the lottery." I kidded.

"No, but almost as good." she gushed.

"Wow, what could it be?" I said with exaggerated curiosity.

"I have been offered a big promotion. I mean a really big promotion. You're talking to the next V.P. of Market Development ... tah tah!" she cried with hands spread wide in a "look at me" gesture.

"That's great honey." I said sincerely. "You've earned it with all the hard work and long hours you've put in."

"Oh Mark, it means a huge salary with bonuses and even stock options. I've really hit the big time. God, it feels great." she enthused.

"Well." I said. "This calls for a celebration!" I went to the wine closet and took out a bottle of a very good Cabernet that I'd been saving for a special occasion. This clearly qualified. "When do you start?"

"Well, that's a bit complicated." Jo said with a less enthusiastic tone. "I haven't accepted the job yet. I have to give them an answer by next Monday." she explained.

"Well, it doesn't sound like that's a tough decision, Jo. What's the complication?" I asked, suddenly curious.

"Uh ... the job is in Chicago." she said quietly.

"Oh ... yah ... that is a complication." I agreed.

"I've given it some thought, Mark. You can move your agency to Chicago and we can move there in a month or so." she said tentatively.

"When did you have time to give it some thought, Jo? On the way home this afternoon?" I'm sure she could detect the irritation in my voice.

"Oh, Mark. Be happy for me. This is huge. I'll be making more money than I ever dreamed of. I'll have a big staff and all kinds of perks."

"Jo, this is our home. We've lived here almost since we've been married. I've spent twenty plus years building my agency. Surely you remember those days. We worked our asses off to make a go of it. I can't just walk away from it." I must have sounded pleading or even a bit desperate. I had to make her see that it wasn't just as simple as pulling up stakes and heading off to Chicago.

"You can start a new agency in Chicago, honey. You've got lots of time to do that. What's even better, money won't be a problem. I'll be making more that enough to let you get it up and running." Now she was pleading.

"Jo, I think we need to discuss this more thoroughly. It's going to have a big effect on us. It isn't as simple as just picking up and leaving Minneapolis. This is our home. This is where we grew up. This is where our kids were born. It just isn't that simple."

"I have to give them a decision by Monday. That gives you five days to make up your mind, Mark." She was using a tone of voice that I didn't like very much. It was more like I was being an obstacle to her ambition and I had better get out of the way.

I didn't say anything for a few moments; taking a couple of pulls on my near empty beer as I thought about the implications of this conversation. My wife Joanne was being given an enormous opportunity for advancement. She had only gone back to work six years ago when our daughter was firmly ensconced in school at age nine. She had risen rapidly in the local office and was earning almost as much annually as my insurance agency was generating for me. We had no money worries at all. We had paid off the mortgage, had a substantial college fund for our two children and we were able to take wonderful vacations. In short, we had what I would have described as the perfect life.

Jo and I were still sexually active. We were in our mid forties, but both of us had maintained a reasonable level of fitness and to be honest, Jo was still a very attractive woman as I was constantly reminded when we were out with other people. We had, I thought, a great marriage and it went without saying that I thought each of us was deeply in love with the other. Jo's last remark about her decision and my need to make up my mind hit me like a punch to the solar plexus.

"Jo, don't you have it backwards?" I replied carefully. "This isn't my decision, it's yours. I wasn't offered the job, you were."

"Fine." she said abruptly. "I've decided to accept the job."

There was a long silence in the kitchen. Finally, I said: "Do you care what I think?"

"Of course I do. You're my husband. We always make decisions together ..." Her voice had trailed off as she realized what she had said.

"Jo, my agency isn't portable. It's based on referral business and my twenty years of associations and relationships in this town. That's not something I can just put in a briefcase and take to Chicago. It would mean having to start all over again. Do you remember how hard that was?" I asked seriously.

"Yes, I remember. But you don't have to do that anymore. You don't even have to work if you don't want to. My salary will look after us all with no loss in family income." She had convinced herself that my business was not an obstacle. "You can sell your agency. You can do something else. You don't have to sell insurance for the rest of your life."

"Did it ever occur to you that I like what I do? Have you forgotten that all that work in past was rewarded with loyal clients and many good friends. Are they that easy to dismiss?"

"Don't start laying a guilt trip on me, Mark." She had raised her voice for the first time. I could tell she was getting frustrated that I wasn't going along with her grand plan as easily as she had hoped. "I'm going to go have a shower. I suggest we go out to dinner tonight. I don't feel like cooking." With that she turned and, I want to say, almost stomped out of the kitchen.

I needed time to think. She didn't have to give them an answer until Monday, but it was now becoming clear she had already made up her mind. My mind was reeling. I couldn't come to terms with what the implications for our family, our marriage, our life together might be. This was a bigger crisis than I had ever faced before. I really didn't know what to do. I really needed time to think.

-0-

I had been an aimless youth when I enrolled as a freshman at the University of Minnesota, but somewhere along the line I had been bitten by the Business Administration bug and by the second year, I knew what I wanted to study. I was also a virgin when I graduated from High School; not something I was likely to brag about. I lost my virgin status that first year at U.M. with a somewhat plain young lady who had chosen me at a social mixer and had decided that she badly needed sex that particular evening. She was not a virgin, although I wouldn't have known the difference. She had earlier consumed copious amounts of punch and somehow had selected me to be her personal erection of the evening. She dragged me to her aging automobile (I suspect this truly was her father's Oldsmobile) and we consummated our brief romance in the back seat. It was done and over with in a matter of a couple of minutes and she promptly fell asleep. I did the gentlemanly thing and rearranged her clothes, laid her in a more comfortable position and left, locking the doors behind me. I have no recollection of her name whatsoever. And such was my introduction to Sex and the University; Chapter One.

During the next four years, I was considerably more socially active. I found my studies to be largely unchallenging and I had no trouble maintaining an acceptable grade in my courses. That left me a good deal of free time to take advantage of the social opportunities with the many attractive young females on campus. I took this responsibility quite seriously and had a very happy and comprehensive sex education during that period.

I met Joanne Thorlakson shortly after I had graduated from the University of Minnesota. My hometown was Eden Prairie and she was from nearby Apple Valley, a few miles to the south-east. Both were smaller, more countrified suburbs of Minneapolis and the experience of going to University in the big city was both enlightening and, for me, somewhat intimidating. Joanne was pure Nordic beauty; flaxen haired blonde, cornflower blue eyes, lightly freckled fair complexion and a sturdy, if not voluptuous 5 foot 7 inch frame. To me, she was dazzling and I set about capturing her from the moment I first saw her.

I was a junior clerk at a national insurance agency in Bloomington, barely a year into my first job and she worked as a secretary in an office building just down the street. I first saw her in the small diner I frequented at lunch as well as on the occasional coffee break and I knew I wanted to meet her. When I saw her alone at a small table one morning, I sucked up my courage and walked over and said hello and introduced myself. She had one of those killer smiles that can reduce a guy to silly putty in half a second and I must have sounded like a compete idiot for a few seconds until I recovered from our first encounter. The girl obviously either didn't notice or didn't care and within a few minutes we were chatting away about our hometowns and school experiences and our jobs. I learned that she ate lunch a half hour after I did, so I arranged to switch with another junior to get a later lunch. We seemed to hit if off and when I asked her for a date, she readily agreed and thus began my courtship of my future wife.

It didn't happen quite that quickly, mind you. The salary of a junior in the insurance agency was pitiful and it wasn't until I had a territory and was earning some commissions as a sales representative that I was able to feel somewhat financially secure. I discovered I liked selling insurance. Yes, I know, somebody has to like it or no one would do it; but somehow, I enjoyed the job and as a result, I did quite well. As my career progressed, so did my relationship with Joanne. We had been 'going steady' for a couple of years and had finally progressed to where we were having sex once in a while. For a guy who had feasted on a steady diet during my college years, the past three years had been a massive drought! Joanne was very innocent and yet willing and our sex life progressed through the usual back seat stages to more adventuresome weekends at my tiny bed-sitting room. I never had the sense that she wanted to date anyone else and despite the fact that I had virtually given up sexual relations in order to be with her, I didn't even consider dating anyone else. It seemed we were destined to be together.

At the end of my second year of sales I received a very nice bonus for hitting all my targets and exceeding a few as well. I sucked up my courage, bought a ring and asked Joanna to marry me. I was delighted when she said yes without a second's hesitation. I was 26 years old and she a year younger. I was on top of the world and I knew it could only get better and I was right. Within two years we had saved enough money for a down payment on a lovely older home in Eden Prairie and we set about fixing it up in our spare time and on the weekends. Both of us continued to work until a year later when Jo became pregnant with our first child. Our son, Peter, was born the day before our fourth anniversary and our daughter Lindsay, two and a half years later. My career continued to progress steadily and Jo was able to quit her job and be home with the children. We were living the American Dream; a house in the suburbs, two kids, two cars; we had it all.

When Peter entered Junior High School, Jo said she wanted to go back to work; specifically to work in an advertising agency that was setting up a branch office in Bloomington. She had studied Advertising, Marketing and Promotion in Junior College and there was a junior position available to her. We discussed the work roles around the household and it was agreed that with some changes in our routine, Jo would try this new career. She was just approaching her fortieth birthday and she was, in my opinion, even more beautiful than when I married her. She had kept herself in shape with exercise and discipline and with her renewed self confidence, I was sure she could succeed in this new venture, and of course, I was right. She more than succeeded; she rocketed to the top of her group in the Bloomington office and several times was offered a transfer to a larger office. She turned them all down, stating her commitment to the family as the reason. In the meantime, my clientele had matured and my income began to stabilize. I was earning more than we needed to live on and with Jo's salary, we had been able to fix up the old house to an almost fully restored state, put money away for the kids' education and live very comfortably. And then, Jo decided to go for the big brass ring!

-0-

The kids took a pass on going out to dinner that night and I was just as happy. Pete had a baseball game and Lindsay was happy with a small frozen pizza and a salad. I was hoping that Jo and I could avoid the topic of her promotion, but I guessed that it was too heavy a subject to ignore. I was not looking forward to this dinner. I went upstairs to our bedroom to shower and change. Jo was sitting on the bed putting in her earrings and looked spectacular as always.

"Where would you like to go tonight?" I asked in the brightest tone I could muster.

"I don't know. You choose. Just so long as it isn't noisy." she said in a somewhat snappish voice.

"How about La Trattoria? It's usually pretty quiet on a weeknight and the foods always great."

"Fine." End of conversation.

I undressed to my shorts and went into the ensuite, closing the door quietly behind me. The mood in the bedroom wasn't very celebratory and I suspected that dinner might be more of the same. Jo had decided to sulk; something I hadn't seen her do in a long time. I spent a little extra time in the shower to try and get a grip on my emotions and see if I couldn't find a way out of this mess. Unfortunately, no fresh inspiration came my way. I toweled off and dressed in slacks and a collared shirt with sport jacket and headed downstairs. I hadn't bothered with a reservation since it wouldn't be busy at 6:30 on a Wednesday evening.

We drove to the restaurant in silence and I had a feeling of dread creeping up on me. The only way to get past this was to have Jo talk it out. Let her see if she could put a plan together that wouldn't tear the family structure apart. I was remembering a management course my company had sent me on many years ago and the main lesson I took from it was not to take on someone else's burden. If it's their monkey on their back, they should deal with it. Right now, that's how I felt about Jo's promotion.

We were seated immediately and I ordered our usual two Manhattans, straight up. Jo still hadn't said anything and was now avoiding eye contact with me. I waited until the cocktails arrived and I raised my glass toward her: "Well, congratulations again, Jo." I said it with a smile, hoping I'd get a response.

She looked at me for a moment and raised her glass to mine. "Thanks."

I waited a few more moments in silence before I knew I had to beard the lion.

"You don't seem very happy. Are you sure you want to be here?" I asked

She stared at me before answering. "You didn't exactly jump for joy over this announcement, did you?"

"No, I guess I didn't. I wasn't prepared for it for one thing. I don't think you were either. I don't think you've had time to think through what this means to all of us. You've had a massive surprise boost to your ego and you've been overwhelmed. I'm guessing that when you've had time to absorb it all, you'll see some of the things that I see." I had spoken in an even and quiet tone.

Jo stared vacantly at her cocktail glass and seemed lost in thought. "It seems pretty simple to me, Mark. I've been offered an important job and you don't want me to take it."

"Jo, don't put words in my mouth. All I asked you to do was to think about the affect that this move would have on all of us. It isn't as simple as just pulling up stakes and moving." I tried desperately to keep my voice even and rational.

"I want you to do the same thing, Mark." she said forcefully. "I want you to try and find a way to make this work for me. It's that important."

Thump! There it was, the monkey was on my back.

"And if I can't?" I asked.

"I don't know. I'll have to think about what that means for us."

"Are you suggesting that you'd sacrifice our marriage for this?" I asked incredulously.

"Mark, I'm not hungry. I want to go home. This was a bad idea. I'm not in the mood and this isn't a celebration."

I put a twenty dollar bill on the table and we left quietly. The drive home was as silent as the drive to the restaurant and when we got there Jo went directly to our bedroom and closed the door.

Lindsay had witnessed our arrival and looked at me curiously.

"What's wrong with mom?"

"She a bit upset right now, princess. She had a big surprise at work today."

"What kind of surprise?" she asked innocently.

"Well, they offered her a new job but it's in another city. It's complicated. We'll talk about it tomorrow, OK?" I tried to keep my tone nonchalant and not raise any alarm with our daughter.

When Jo didn't reappear by nine, I went upstairs and carefully opened the bedroom door. She was lying on the bed facing away from me and seemingly asleep. She was still fully dressed from our abortive restaurant trip. I went back downstairs to the kitchen and made myself a sandwich and washed it down with a beer. No matter what I did, I couldn't shake the deep sense of foreboding I was feeling about this whole issue. I had to hope that Jo would be more rested and willing to talk tomorrow. I had no idea if she was planning to go to work, but if she didn't, I would stay home as well and we could begin to work on a solution for our dilemma.

I slept in the guest room, assuming Jo would be more comfortable by herself. I rose at my usual hour of seven after a fitful night's sleep. Jo was already in the kitchen, dressed in her work outfit. I poured a coffee.

"You're obviously going to work today." I said.

"Yes, I've got a lot to do. A lot of things have to be taken care of before ..."

"Yes, I'm sure you do. Am I to assume that we have nothing more to discuss?"

"Don't be snarky with me, Mark!" she snapped.

"Well, I can see a night's sleep hasn't tempered your opinion of me." I shot back.

"I'm ... sorry. I shouldn't have ... I didn't sleep very well." she said not looking at me. "We'll talk when I get home tonight. Maybe my head will be a little clearer then." she offered.

"Sure. That'll be fine. Don't you think we need to sit down with the kids and talk to them about this as well?"

"I think we need to get the big stuff out of the way before we can deal with them, Mark. I don't mean they're not important, I just mean ... oh, hell, I don't know what I mean." She finished her coffee, gave me a peck on the cheek and walked to the garage without another word.

She was clearly stressed out very badly over this. I was beginning to get the impression that only now was the implications of her decision starting to dawn on her. If I needed time to think, she needed it too. I just hoped she wouldn't make any rash decisions before she had that chance.

As I lay in bed last night, I realized I needed a fresh pair of eyes to help me with this problem. Someone whose judgment I trusted, someone who was a good listener and most importantly, someone who wasn't too close to us to have previously formed opinions. That someone had to be Dave Wainwright. Dave was the area supervisor for one of the insurance companies that I represented. They were specializing in industrial technology insurance and they were pioneers in the field. I had known Dave for just over three years, but in that time we had become good friends and I really enjoyed his common sense approach. He had only met Joanna once and that was at a social gathering I had organized for my top clients and my suppliers. I hoped Dave would be available to give me some of that common sense guidance.