A Learning Experience Ch. 06

I saw my chance and took it, hitting the forearm holding the bat, causing him to drop it for a split second, followed up by a half-kick to his chest. The bat went rolling off under the couch, and Dad was now looking up at me from the floor in front of his beloved Archie Bunker easy chair.

"One day," I panted, catching my breath, "you'll figure out that treating your family so differently from everyone else will only end up losing you the love of that family. I doubt Mom's told you, but I've put through the legal paperwork to have my name changed... my only regret is leaving my last name unchanged. Knowing I'm still any part of this family... YOUR family... makes me sick."

I carefully stepped over the various pieces of wood and smashed nick-knacks, climbed the steps to the main floor and shut our front door. Quite sure it was for the last time. The Doc had his BMW's passenger side door open and ready for me, I climbed in and he gunned the big sedan's 8 liter motor and we were long gone.

Almost as soon as I was inside, the recriminations began, and we started fighting between ourselves. The Doctor had been severely traumatized by my Dad's reaction, hell... he was trying to kill him with a baseball bat, who wouldn't be a little upset after that. But right then... I was absolutely THE wrong person to be getting into an argument with. As mentally unstable as I had probably ever been in my life, I had lost my family, and I knew it. I took back my shoes and put them on while the Doctor railed on about my family's problems and how ungrateful I was... wait... he didn't just say that... did he? At the next stoplight I opened my door, and walked off...

...my heels clicking a mad staccato to his screams of 'Josie I'm sorry'...

Where do you turn, when you're sure nobody wants you. When you are sure everyone looks upon you as a fake human female or worse. When you aren't just afraid you've been abandoned by everyone who has ever professed to care about you, but you are absolutely sure. I was alone, me against everyone. Trust me on this, I was not a good person to come across at this particular point in time.

As I took stock of this disaster called 'my life', I realized that I had almost no money to speak of, so my primary worry was where would I live and how would I get around. I hitchhiked over to Mel's house and got my car, and then went to a local 7/11 to pick up some papers. There were local area papers dedicated to car sales, which had garage rentals as well. I got myself a hotdog and a soda, as I began searching for something appropriate... and finding it almost immediately.

"Hey sweet thang," The voice was young, virile... and very inexperienced.

My eyes snapped up from my bench outside the 7/11 to see a twenty-something construction worker. Smitty had taught me what to look for in an attacker's eyes and bodily functions, but there were parts that seemed to overlap with other forms of human interaction that I had just begun to really understand from Cindy and my Mistresses in the Sisterhood. I quickly searched for all the warning signs he'd explained, and eventually spotted the rapid breathing of a young male attacker. Problem being... it was the same rapid breathing as that of a young male wanting to fuck me silly.

"My friends and I were, um... wondering," As I was staring into his eyes now, his confidence wavered, "if you, um... might like some company."

My mouth curled into a small smile as I tore the ad that I wanted out of the paper and put it into my clutch, then tossed the rest of the paper and what was left of my lunch into the trash. I gave the car he had hooked his thumb back to, a cursory glance to see two young men watching us intently from inside. I stood up demurely, picking up my purse while smoothing my skirt, and slowly walked up to my admirer. I looked him up and down, then placed my empty hand on his belt buckle. The two others in the four door sedan began hooting and punching each other. I thought it was amazing that wearing my least sleazy clothes, I was about to take a step into darkness. The darkness my Dad had already declared me a part of, and yet it was only now, penniless and without any family, that he had forced me to fully accept it.

"Well... babe, I am very lonely," I seductively replied, "but I really need a Benjy to keep me company today."

"Benjy?" He questioned me with a confused smirk.

"Yeah hunny," I rolled my eyes and explained, "for 50 bucks I orally do you and take care of your buddies, and we all get off, hmm?"

I had no idea what I was doing, and frankly didn't give a damn, but I needed money, these bone headed studs looked like they could cough up 50 bucks easy. I was crossing over into prostitution now, but it was an easy step, and it just might get me where I needed to be, and I certainly wasn't hurting these bozos any.

"Oh! Sure... sure! Lemme ask my friends, ok?"

"Ok baby... don't take too long now," giving my sexiest smile.

I saw the three young men excitedly dig into their wallets, and within a few seconds he came back over to me with two twenties and a ten. I was looking around for anyone that might not like this and didn't see any police, but just as he showed me the cash, the 7/11 owner looked out the window at us from behind his counter and picked up his phone, and I was pretty sure he wasn't calling relatives overseas.

"Here ya go," the big guy that came back over with the cash said.

"Um... yeah, ok," I grabbed his elbow and got him moving back to the car.

"How 'bout we all go for a ride and you can take turns driving, huh?" I said.

He got into the driver's seat, and I got into the back with one of the others. I told him to pull down his pants, then told the driver to get a move on, unless he wanted to wait around until the 7/11 owner managed to persuade the local police to show up.

I wasn't sure how it would turn out, considering you could count the number of blowjobs I'd given on one hand, and I doubted any of these guys had ever received one. The guy in the back was the kid of the bunch, 19 would be my kindest observation, and looked like every kid I'd been to high school with. Finally as he finished pulling his jeans and tighty whities down I asked him.

"You go to high school around here?"

"Yeah, Upper Merion... Oooohh... Ssshit!"

That was the full extent of our conversation together as I deep throated his 6 inch rock hard cock and brought it back out extra slow. Within a minute, I had my prize, as rope after rope of his cum, went straight down my throat.

"Okay babe, get your pants back up and switch with your buddy,"

After a few minutes to bring himself back to reality, his buddy and he flipped positions. My new trick had probably seen enough porn to know what to expect, being a few years older, and about an inch longer made him feel superior to everyone apparently.

"Hey mama, got something special for you... gonna like wot daddy got!"

"Oh sweetie... just what mama was lookin' for!"

I giggled to keep him hard, but little more was needed. In the end not one took longer than a minute to finish off... but other than a slight bitter taste, I didn't have any complaints. They all seemed to be at heaven's gate, and by the look in their eyes, thought I must be one of the Angels. At least until the last guy finished, the guy that had originally propositioned me. As he was pulling his pants up and telling me how incredible it all was, he suddenly produced a knife, and was pointing it right at me.

"Now gimme back our money bitch!"

"S-sure hun... just relax," I got the bills from my purse and held them out, and as he reached out, I dropped them. Distracted by the falling money, I took advantage and grabbed his hand right between his second and third (or the middle and ring) fingers, just behind the knuckle. I had exercised my Thenar muscles to such an extent over the past 5 years that I could open the toughest bottle or jar you could imagine like it wasn't there, and I clamped a nerve pinch down on this boy's hand so hard he screamed in a higher range than I could have. His knife dropped onto the car floor and I had my own out and at his throat an instant later.

"Tell your friends to run, or they get to watch me gut you here!"

Nothing else needed to be said, the other two had been fine with the arrangement, apparently this had all been this guy's idea... the one who's hand I was twisting and squeezing so hard that tears were now pouring from his eyes. The others in the front seat bailed at a stoplight , leaving my crying lover and I to finish this drama.

"How much was that twenty worth to ya little boy, huh?" if he had Smitty here to explain my eye movements to him, he would have been told to expect last rites, but that's when it happened, "Was it worth your life?! Why fuckin' hurt ME?!"

"P-p-please... I'm s-sorry, my wife... j-just had a daughter... please don't..."

He said the only thing he could have possibly said to disarm me, I pulled back from him in horror, and said that single word of life... 'run'. He fumbled for the door handle behind him, finally pushing it open and disappearing into an alley nearby.

I came back to my senses and jumped into the driver's seat, slammed the gearshift down into drive and hit the gas, making all the open doors around me shut at once. Now my own tears came, forcing me to wipe my face and drive at the same time. A daughter... he could never have known that I had a daughter too. That I had been the father, just as he was, but I would never know who my daughter was. I couldn't take him away from his baby girl. Because I knew my own daughter would never be able to know her real father... I could never take another's away from them.

I went back to the 7/11, carefully circling and parking their car at the end of the block, then walking back over to my car. I was watching for the owner, in case they might see me and cause an incident. But everything was very calm, and I simply got into my car and left. I drove to a local park and found a quiet place where I could lay back and have a good cry, the world was pushing, and I had nothing left with which to push back it seemed. And on top of everything, my mind had just been sent spinning back to another lifetime, another world, and most certainly... another gender.

On a summer vacation at the Wildwood, New Jersey beach several years ago, I had met a girl about the same age I was then, visiting from New York. We spent about two weeks meeting in secret every night on the sand dunes just above the incoming waves. It was the most wonderful time of my life up to that point.

But I knew nothing about life, or sex for that matter, and had used no protection of any kind, nor had she. All I knew was what I heard in the locker room, a girl only got pregnant if she wanted to. Only the 'bad girls' did things that caused that. And when you are beginning high school, you believe this garbage, because we had no sex education to go to and find out anything differently. So about a month later, I got a phone call, where she was hysterically telling me she was 'late'. I had no clue what she meant, late for what? Late with her period, she screamed back, it meant she was pregnant. And what was my intelligent response? Well, if you've ever seen the movie Caddyshack, I said it exactly... 'we'll just have to get married...' and not surprisingly, this wasn't a reply that helped anything in her mind, so she hung up on me.

After lying to my parents to get the use of the family car for a couple days, I drove from my home outside Philly, to upstate New York in a snow storm, without any snow tires, and made it in one piece. I found her house, and got to talk with her, and her mother long enough to understand that they felt I was responsible for destroying her young life (her father simply wanted me dead). That they wanted and expected me to leave and have nothing more to do with her or her baby. And that they were good Catholics, therefore would be putting the baby up for adoption as soon as she was born. The funny thing was... I stood there and agreed with all of it, because I had no idea that because I was the father, I had some rights too, and if I had gotten involved, I would have, at the very least, wanted my name to be a part of the baby's adoption records as the 'birth father'. But because I walked away, as they wanted me to, my daughter would probably never know who her birth father had been, and probably thinks to this day that I never gave her a second thought after bringing her into this world.

She will never know that I say a prayer for her every night of my life, that I have hired two different attorney firms to make enquiries into the Canadian adoption system which ended up placing her... hopefully into a home where people loved her and brought her up as well as I would have. Then of course, I realize that even if she ever did want to know me, the person she would finally discover, because I've had a sex change, can no longer BE her birth father, and certainly can't be her birth mother either... so therefore... exactly who, and/or what, am I?

I am a person with no family that will claim me, and no family or children that I am able to claim. I am nothing... a non-human... at the least someone to be pitied and at the worst someone to be despised. I could feel my emotions shutting down, and turning off. A wave of numbness washed over me as I curled up into a fetal position, hearing the world outside my car windows fade, I fell asleep.

I awoke to a thumping sound. The afternoon light was fading, and it was probably after six at night. I suddenly heard another thump, and realized a park ranger was outside my drivers side window and I lowered my window.

"You alright ma'am?" he asked, through the chin strap of his wide-brimmed hat.

There was something suddenly funny about such a question, as the obvious answer was 'Never worse in my life I'm afraid'. But it was a silly answer, so...

"Y-yes officer," I stuttered through dry, parched lips, "I'm leaving now."

Since that was the answer he wanted, he simply smiled and walked over to another car that was still in the park after closing. I started up the big Chrysler, and drove out of the park. I decided to find a cheap motel, and use the cash I got this afternoon to get a shower and decent night's sleep for... and then my mind went blank. I had no future to speak of, I was now on the day-to-day plan. Staying alive and trying to make it until I could find a future worth living for. My options were non-existent, but I did have at least one didn't I? But then, I was never a fan of suicide, I was certainly depressed enough, and finding reasons to exit this life were many... I just felt like that was giving in and I hadn't even begun to fight yet, isn't that the slogan? I decided that option would always be there, if I felt backed into a corner , but I wasn't quite there yet.

I drove towards the city, gradually finding a strip mall and a series of cheap mom and pop motels in the small village of Conshohocken, just a couple miles away from Center City, I looked around and decided on the cleanest one I could find. I must have seemed out of place... the tourist season hadn't started, and I hadn't done a very good job cleaning up all my tear stained make-up. As I signed a fake name into the register, the woman at the front desk eyed me carefully, and suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I could see her reach a decision... I was sure she would ask to see my ID.

She was somewhat heavyset, perhaps 40 pounds overweight, and only a few years older than I was, yet I could see the world had left its mark on her as well. Large bags under her eyes told of abuse at someone's hands. Her face was all concern, a button nose over a small mouth and green penetrating eyes stared at me from under her tightly styled auburn hair and pink hair bow. A frumpy skirt and blouse that had obviously been worn through many a working shift, was covered by a navy blue sweater, that she had used to shove her hands into. She cleared her throat and began.

"Did he hurt ya hun?"

"Wh-what... who?"

She sighed and walked over to me. My hand was shaking as I hadn't had anything to eat, other than half a hot-dog, since yesterday's dinner, and it was after nine at night now. She gently took my hand in hers, but my mind was reeling, kindness was not making any sense just now and I stood there staring back at her unable to speak.

"Look... I know a lot about this, went through three marriages before I finally found a decent man... they'll hit ya, and tell you they love ya, all at the same time... do you need any medical help? You know you have a cut on your neck, right?"

"Um... No, I didn't," my finger's absently reaching for a mild tingling at my neck.

"How about your family, can I call somebody for ya?"

I remember I was upset not to know about the cut on my neck, then I watched as she asked if there was someone in my family she could call. Then I wondered why she assumed I was married... until I realized I had quickly put on my 'gold' wedding band/engagement ring set after the incident that afternoon... I needed to try and keep any male attention off of me for the moment.

The woman behind the front desk and I were still looking at each other when I heard water drops falling onto the counter between us, and I looked down. My eyes were suddenly tear filled, and I realized tears were simply pouring from my eyes and I was sobbing, but it was as if they were coming from someone else. Then I started shaking...

"Jimmy... Jimmy! Get out here... this little girl's gonna faint on me!"

My right leg gave out first, the room began spinning counter-clockwise. I was still just looking at this woman behind the counter, holding onto her hands as if my life depended on it. Within seconds a older man ran out of the office, he came up from behind me just as my left leg gave way. He grabbed me under my arms, the room stopped spinning and simply went black.

"What happened babe?" The clerk wanted to know, as he put me on the couch.

"Her husband beat her up, look at that cut on her neck,"

"Oooh, lemme get something for that. So... spousal abuse? That what she said?"

"Ha! She never had to say a word, I've seen it enough times... the antibiotic cream is over by the sink hun!"

"Well... if she's smart... she gets a sharp lawyer and divorces the bastard,"

"Jimmy, you are so naïve hun... I'll cut some tape strips... she'll never do that!"

"Its what she should do... give me the gauze... tsk, cut a pretty girl up like this,"

"We're gonna havta call the police, get her to file a complaint against him,"

"Babe... how many times do I gotta tell ya, stay outta other folk's business,"

"Well, how else do you help her... Honey? Bring me an ammonia capsule,"

"Here ya go... should help bring 'er around anyway,"

"Yep, okay sweetie, c'mon now... time to wake up,"

My eyes flew open, as the ammonia punished my olfactory nerves back into consciousness. I had been listening to everything they said, but I was mentally somewhere else while they were talking. Suddenly I was remembering the woman behind the motel's front desk, she told me I was injured. My hand went to my neck and felt the fresh bandaging.

"Jimmy bandaged your neck up, your hubby really has some explaining to do, that was one nasty war wound young lady... oh, I'm Carol by the way Cindy,"

"Thank you," I replied, "that was very nice of you Carol."

I had used Cindy's first name and Andy's last when I registered, I tried to smile up at my newest and only friend, when a sharp pain told me something was indeed very wrong with my neck.

"Oww... If I could just get some sleep, I think I... I could figure everything out in the morning... let me see..."

I tried to stand, but the room started doing the same dance it was doing just before I went down hard a few minutes earlier. I decided I better sit for a minute. Jimmy had retrieved a bottle of water from their refrigerator.