A Light to Guide Me

"Couple of hours. Scared the hell out of me. The doctor said to let you sleep. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just tired. Sorry I scared you."

Daisy's soft voice cracked. "Never apologize to me. Never again, okay? This is us. Together. You don't apologize for this."

My eyes still closed, I reached out and took her hand. "Okay."

"Tommy, why are we here? Why are we far from home, away from our girls? Why... What are we doing?"

"I just... I don't know. I just have to get this done."

"And then we're finished? We get Grace to New York, and we're done?"

I paused. We'd been whispering. "Why's it so quiet?"

"I rented the rest of the rooms on this floor."

"You know I married you for your money, right?"

My eyes still closed; I could picture her sad smile.

"Shut up. You married me 'cause I'm the only woman who can kick your ass."

"Still delusional all these years later. Sad. Look, I need to... There's one more and then we can stay home."

"Who?"

"Jim."

"Jim? He's the most confirmed bachelor I know. He's with a new guy every six months."

"Yeah. Gonna fix that."

I felt the bed shake lightly and knew she was crying and didn't want me to know.

Her voice was tight. "Why?"

"'Cause they deserve it. Jim and William, they're my friends. I want them to have what I have. You're my ligera. You're my licht. You're my noor. You're my light, Daisy, and you guide my way. I want that for them." I sighed. "I'm really tired. Can I sleep a little more?"

I could hear her crying now. "Can I... Can I just hold you?"

"Of course."

She slowly, gently rolled onto her side and wrapped her arms around me as I fell asleep.

*****

Daisy and I were in the front seat and Grace was in the back. Turning to speak to her, I smiled. "So, you doing okay?"

I loved the lilt of her accent. "Yeah, better actually. It's good to know not everyone in your New York is filthy rich."

I laughed. Siobhan and I had just helped Grace move into her dorm. Actually, I stood around and watched as the men Daisy hired moved everything. It wasn't too much, a bed, a bureau, a TV and some other boxes. We were sitting in our car in front of another dorm as we talked.

"I was serious about the boat. I think that Pete and I might be able to help your brothers swing the purchase if they are interested in some partners. After looking over what you've written up, I..."

Daisy put her hand on mine. "Tommy, I'm sure she'd love to sit and talk to you, but she has something important to take care of."

"Right. Of course. Okay, so just to reiterate, no matter what happens between you and William, you still have the job, the salary, the dorm and tuition. If that isn't enough and you want to return home, just let us know. We'll get you a ticket immediately. You have our numbers. Anything you need, okay Grace?"

Her voice was quiet, and I could tell how nervous she was. She'd uprooted her life based on the word of a stranger and her feelings for William.

"Yes, thank you Mr. Oliviera."

"It's going to break my heart if you don't call me Tommy." I reached into the glove compartment and pulled out an envelope. "Here. Don't worry about it. It's a few dollars to get you started. He's in room 306. Take the second elevator or the stairway at the end. You going to be okay?"

"I'm going to be fine, Mr. Oliviera. Sorry. Tommy. Thank you both so much."

Daisy turned to me. "Give me a couple of minutes, okay?"

She walked Grace up towards the dorm, speaking the entire time. After giving her a brief hug, she returned to the car.

"Girl stuff. And a little pep talk. I like her. She's going to be good for him."

I smiled. "Yeah, I think so too."

My Mother-In-Law was waiting with our daughters at the Roosevelt Field Mall. I'd have wagered good money that they were at the Disney Store. We drove over, went to lunch, and made sure the girls used the bathroom before we headed out. They had bladders the size of a pea.

The mall wasn't so far from the Queens border, and it would have been hell driving all the way back to Montauk to get the girls and then all the way back again to drive to Pennsylvania, so I'd appreciated Daisy's mom taking them shopping. If I'm being perfectly honest, though, I had been looking forward to getting away from her for a while.

Deb was an acclaimed geneticist and was married to James, a professor at Stony Brook University. They led the lives of academics, but she was somehow involved with what happened to William in Ireland and now thought she was Dirty Harry. She'd been a little insufferable ever since.

We crossed over from New York into New Jersey, and I sat and listened to my daughter's chatter about Hershey. It was one of the good days. No headaches, and the girls weren't arguing. Marissa was ten and Deborah was seven. They were too old by far, but I needed them to be my little girls again, so I tried.

"Girls, I'm going to get some sleep. Do me a favor and don't let any cats in the car."

I tilted a little to the side and made cartoonish snoring noises. Catching a peek at Daisy, I wasn't sure if her small smile was sad or not. The car was silent until I heard Deborah giggle. A minute went by and then another.

"Meow."

Marissa wasn't playing along. She was the big sister and didn't have time for such childishness. I trumpeted a pretend snore.

Deborah giggled again. "Meow, meow."

"What? What's... Girls, did you let a cat in here? I clearly said I needed some sleep. This is crazy. Okay, I'm going back to sleep. Do me a favor and don't let any dogs in here."

My over-the-top snoring prompted some barking from Deborah. It was a game we'd played on road trips when they were little, or I'd warn them about car sharks and then reach my hand back and grab their little legs.

"C'mon! I'm exhausted here. Please! These cats and dogs are too much. I'm going back to sleep. Don't let any aardvarks in the car, okay?"

They both started giggling, and as soon as I let loose with a snore, they began making ridiculous noises. Even Daisy chimed in, and we all laughed.

I actually did fall asleep a little later and woke up when the car stopped. After rubbing my eyes and squinting at the setting sun, I sat up.

"Where are we?"

"About ninety minutes out. Girls need the bathroom and want some snacks."

"Okay."

I didn't feel right as I made my way to the uniform brick building. I thought that I might have been swaying, but wasn't sure. Shadows seemed somehow longer and deeper. I sat on a cement bench for a few minutes when they went inside. After making my way into the bathroom, I relieved myself and was washing my hands when I lost the strength in my legs and fell to the ground.

My words weren't working, and I couldn't communicate as two men helped me up. Clutching the sink, I stood there, smiled, nodded, and managed a "thanks" and confirmation that I was okay. I wasn't. Forcing one foot in front of the other, I made my way back outside and to the bench. After gathering myself, I moved from that midway point back to the car. Putting the seat back down, I rested until my family returned.

"Dad, why's your shirt wet?"

"The man next to me splashed some water. Get in, girls. Didja get me anything?"

"Apple juice and Swedish Fish."

"My favorites! You girls are the best."

Daisy looked at me, quietly crying. She wiped the tears away before the girls could see and pointed to her ear. I looked at her for a second and put my hand to my ear, feeling the blood. It was from the fall, and I quickly wiped it away.

Marissa reached from behind and handed me the Swedish Fish as she spoke to Daisy. "Are we going to ZooAmerica?"

Daisy replied. "No, we're going to the hotel and everyone's taking a nap."

"They might have Dad's aardvarks at the zoo."

"Maybe another day."

"I checked their website. They're open until eight."

"We're not going to the damn zoo, Marissa!"

I put my hand on Daisy's thigh as we drove in silence.

After sleeping for another two hours at the hotel, I found an old-school arcade, and we had a blast. We played retro games and new games. We went crazy on whack-a-mole, drank overly sugary sodas, and went back to play skee-ball. The girls redeemed their tickets for trinkets, and we went out to dinner at a buffet that advertised Amish food in Kutztown. I wasn't sure what Amish food was, but I imagined it to be rustic, home-made, and hearty. I was right.

The girls loved the dessert bar and Daisy kept refilling my plate with tidbits, noticing I wasn't getting up to walk to the food. After we paid, I was walking slowly towards the car, the girls chattering in front of me, talking about everything they had tried. Daisy walked next to me and stepped in to whisper.

"Lean on me. We'll get you to the car. They won't see."

The girls were in the backseat when we got to the front passenger side door. I slumped against the car and Daisy covered it by kissing me.

Deborah turned to her sister. "Ugh. They're kissing."

I opened the door and slid into my seat. "If it wasn't for us kissing, you wouldn't exist."

"Whaddya mean?"

Daisy looked at me. She was going for a smirk but couldn't muster the snark.

"Nothing. Just a silly dad joke."

Feeling better by the time we got back, I made it to our room without any issues. Waking up to Daisy's arm draped over me, I lay there, assessing how I felt. Good; I felt good. I felt strong. I tried not to disturb her as I slipped from the bed and kissed her cheek.

"Mornin', brush your teeth while you're up."

I laughed, and did just that. The leather pouch was out, and the shaving kit was on the counter when she joined me in the bathroom. I ran a hand over my head, wondering if I could get by without shaving it today. My bald spot would show through the stubble, but I didn't really care about that. The park had complimentary tanning lotion dispensers. I'd use some.

"We don't have to do this. We can stay in the hotel and go to the pool. Maybe go back to the arcade tonight."

"No, we need to go. I feel good. It'll be fine."

"They don't need... They don't need rides and giant chocolate bars. They need their father."

I put down the razor, turned, and hugged her to me. "Maybe. But I need it. I need to be me one more time. I need to give my girls another memory of me while I'm me. Do you... you get that, right?"

"Yeah," she leaned her head on my shoulder and was silent for a moment.

I turned back to the mirror and lathered my face as she pulled off her flannel pajama top and then stepped from the bottoms. No longer moving, I used the mirror to watch the slope of her back as it met the swell of her hips and ass. We'd been together one way or another for thirty years and she was still magic to me.

The girls would be all right, and I decided I could go a day without shaving. I zipped up the bag, stripped down, and joined my wife in the shower.

It was a good day. The sun was out, but the heat wasn't overwhelming. Hershey Park was crowded, but not overly so. I felt strong and healthy, and we laughed and had a great time as a family. I was able to forget and be in the day. We took plenty of pictures and I was weak enough to buy everything that caught the girl's attention. What the hell, they weren't spoiled, and it was Daisy's money.

"Dad, they have a huge Hershey Bar! It's like longer than my arm. It's probably heavier than Deborah."

Daisy slipped into Mom mode. "You can get a normal candy bar. We're not buying some super giant Hershey Bar."

"But they only have one left! Someone else is going to buy it. And it's not just for me. We'll share."

"I don't care if we share with the whole family, we're not getting it."

"Dad!"

I paused for a beat. "You know, Hershey owns Reese's. They might have giant peanut butter cups."

Daisy stared daggers at me. She hated that I knew her weaknesses. My wife hesitated before answering. "Okay, maybe I was jumping the gun a bit. No guarantees, but we can take a look."

We spent a few more days in the area. Some were good, some not so much. The car was loaded with souvenirs for the girls and weird food for Finn. He kept sending us texts of things to get. We had pounds of Lebanon bologna, five shoo-fly pies, and a bunch of unpasteurized cheese. It felt good to sleep in our own beds when we got home, and my parents stole the girls the next morning for a day at the beach.

Daisy and I headed over to the Corrigan's to drop off the food. I left it for Finn to carry in as I walked around the back. I smiled, thinking of how I had done much the same thing so many years ago only to see Daisy in the water with Everett. I climbed the small hill overlooking the water and sat down, my back against the marble.

"I spoke to you when you were still with us. I hope you don't mind if I talk to you now. Last week we cooked a breakfast for the staff at the Riverhead Animal Shelter. Cynthia and Finn did most of the cooking, but you know what I did? Do you? Gonna remain quiet? Okay. I bought twenty pounds of bacon. High-end stuff from a guy in Kentucky. Cooked it myself, every last strip. They loved it. I couldn't cook it for you, so I did it for them.

"Remember when I found you peeing on Everett's clothes, and you looked up at me like I was an idiot? You were the best of dogs, Dink. The best. That's why the girls have cats. How's some poor dog going to compare to you? I miss you, buddy. Maybe I'll be seeing you soon. I'll be the one with bacon in my pocket."

After sitting there for a while and watching the water, I stood and tapped the gravestone lovingly. "Thanks for being a friend, Dink. Human or not, you had my back."

The walk to the large patio was slow, but okay. I felt content for some reason. Some of the best moments of my life were spent in that backyard. Running my hand along Finn's large smoker, I made my way up the steps and across to the door leading to the kitchen. I heard the voices and walked into the living room to see my parents, my aunt, Finn, Jennifer, Daisy, Pete, Jean, Dr. Stacy, her wife, Jim, who should still be recuperating, Cynthia and William waiting for me.

"Where are the girls?"

Finn answered. "Toni's watching them at Pete's."

Daisy stood, walked over, and hugged me. Finn spoke again.

"Tommy, we have to talk. This isn't a fight we're going to let you lose. I've been talking to the best people in the world. Literally. We've come up with a plan and if you don't agree to it, Shiv and Jim are going to beat you up, and then we're going to sic Jennifer on you."

I pretended to look aghast. "I can take Daisy and Jim, but keep Jennifer back."

They laughed, and I continued. "Is this some sort of intervention? It's not needed. I... I don't want to die. I don't want to leave any of you. If you have a plan, let's go with it."

*****

Daisy had told me stories of her Aunt Cynthia's final months. Doctors and consultations from around the world, experimental procedures and money spent without care had been the hallmarks of a futile effort. I was beginning to get a much greater understanding of how she must have felt. I tried to estimate how much money Finn and Jennifer were laying out for my care and realized it had to be in the tens of millions of dollars.

I was being flown on their jet weekly to Costa Rica for experimental stem cell therapy and supposedly that was going better than hoped. Our friend, Dr. Stacey Khalil, had been in regular contact with Dr. Ahluwalia, Director of the Brain Metastasis Research Program at Cleveland Clinic. He led a clinical trial of a new vaccine called SurVaxM. No one's told me and I didn't ask any questions, but I was pretty sure that Finn had gotten me access to the vaccine.

Temozolomide, a chemotherapy drug, was on the horizon, so I needed to work as quickly as possible. It was going to wreak hell with my body and energy, so I needed to get as much accomplished as possible in a very short time. Jim held the camera, and I took five deep breaths to settle myself. When I was ready, I nodded to him and smiled.

"Hello, Princesses. Let's talk about what's okay. There's going to be times when you're angry with me. Angry with me for leaving you, for making Mom cry, and for not being there when you need me. I'm going to tell you a secret." I leaned forward and whispered loudly. "It's okay. Be angry. Go downstairs and yell. Yell at me, yell at cancer, whatever.

"But what you can't ever do is feel guilty. You being angry will never, ever make me love you even an ounce less. You have a right to be angry. All I ask is that you don't let it consume you. Be angry in the moment and then let it go. My ladies are going to need each other. Don't hold onto the mean and the anger and the hurt. Kick a wall, scream, let it out, and then be kind to one another. Wherever I am, I'll still love you just as much.

"The three of you are the best of what's in me. Be good to each other and, in a way, it'll be like we're back together again. I love you more than I can say. Words aren't big enough."

I stood smiling, trying not to cry for a few seconds to end the video and then just lost it. Last time Jim gave me space. This time, he held me as I sobbed.

Going back to the house, I left Jim as he worked on the speed bag. It was spaghetti night. Marissa made the garlic bread and Deborah grated parmesan cheese. I browned the meatballs and dunked them in the sauce, always with enough force to get some on my face. I'd pretend not to notice, and the girls would scold me while smiling.

Daisy kissed both of their heads before speaking. "Girls, go get washed up."

When they ran to the bathroom, she turned to me. "How many does that make?"

"How many what?"

"Videos."

I paused, looked at her, and shook my head. Sticking my tongue out at my wife, I sat down. "Someday I'm going to keep a secret in this house. That makes eleven videos."

"You... it's a waste, you know. You're not going anywhere. I won't let you."

"I know, Love. It just gives me something to do."

"It's stupid. It's a waste."

"I know."

She pulled in a ragged breath. "Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

After spending some time on the phone with Alistair the next day, I got Pete to drive me to Finn's. Daisy had taken the girls there earlier, likely to raid Finn's freezer. My wife ate like she was supporting a colony of tapeworms.

I followed Pete up the stairs and looked for remnants of the device that used to carry Finn's wheelchair up and down. Pete and I were the first friends to see Finn walk again after his neck was broken and all these years later, it was miraculous that there was no sign of the injury.

He had folders open and spread out across his desk. Daisy was sitting next to him, and the girls were out back playing with Buttercup and Cynthia. The siblings looked up as Pete and I entered the office.

Finn closed a folder and looked up. "So? What did Alistair say?"

"Sometimes it's nice to have a psychiatrist in the family. He asked a lot of questions about your son and Ireland and then said that he thought Daisy and I were right about Jim. Alistair also questioned whether I should be meddling in someone else's life. He believes that Jim's an adult and could have looked into things at any time if he wanted to."

That put a somber take on things. Everyone was quiet for a moment.

I smiled. "But screw it, I'm playing the 'dying guy' card. If I want to meddle, I get to meddle. Anyway, he agrees that we're likely onto something. Jim has a very specific type. He dates guys that are tall, thin, bookish with dirty blonde or light brown hair and often with glasses. The relationships last no longer than a year and he seems to drive them away towards the end instead of just ending it. Early in the relationship, he's extremely protective of them, almost looking for ways to show that they can trust him.