A Love to Share

I was always too embarrassed by my desires to do any thing about them. As he got older it got harder; everything got harder: looking at him, being near him, and his…hardness. He probably thought I never noticed the bulge in his pants when I wore something sexy…and when I didn’t. I knew he wanted me…I wanted him…and of all people, he had to be my son.

Not that I didn’t love him as a son…he was always kind and sweet and obedient, but I had come to love him as a man…a man with a hard body and a hard…God I do go on but it was always there…the pictures in my head…the wetness between my legs…watching him and fantasizing…always fantasizing.

We lived together and alone…alone as you can only be in a big city apartment with people all around you…crushing you with their presence…stacked above fifteen others… and below twelve more…people struggling not to be swallowed in the maelstrom…like me.

Today I laugh at the bits of nonsense I concocted in a never-ending series of seductive imaginings. There was one I liked where I have this heart to heart talk with him and I shyly enlist his aid. “Oh Eric, I’m so ashamed to ask you to do this for me…but I don’t have anyone else…It’s hard for a woman alone…” He’s solicitous as always and shows his concern.

“What is it mom…you know I’d do anything to help you, don’t you?”

“Yes son, but this is so… I need you to buy me a…sexual aid…I just can’t do it myself…” The sweet boy agrees and comes home with a dildo and a vibrator. (Which I have more than my share of in reality) I ask him if he loves his momma enough to ‘help’ her and he comes with me to the bedroom.

I take off my dress and get on the bed on hands and knees and close my eyes. “Honey, take momma’s panties down.” He gets on the bed behind me and obeys without a word. “Now run the vibrator on momma’s pussy to make me wet.” Actually I’m wet before he does it, even in my fantasy. He lets the vibrator do its work for a while but he can’t resist running his fingers across the slippery opening… slowly moving the lips apart to probe his mother’s secret place.

By now he’s breathing hard and I tell him how good it feels. Then I say, “Now put the dildo into momma’s pussy.” My eyes are closed but I hear him unzipping his pants. His hand is on my hip as he introduces his hardness into his mother’s waiting, wet pussy. I say, “Oh thank you baby, it feels so good, just like the real thing…almost like your lovely thing would feel in me.”

He starts to pump in and out of my creamy opening and says, “Does that feel good momma…having it inside you…am I doing it good momma?”

“Oh honey”, I tell him. “It feels almost as good as having a man like you in me…but I couldn’t ask you to do such a terrible thing to your momma… could I baby?”

He unhooks my bra so that my breasts hang free and sway before he gathers them in his hands. He says, “No mom…you can’t…we can’t…we can’t.” He continues pushing himself up into me me. I come hard (in and out of my fantasy) and my eyes are still closed when he pulls out of me. I thank him for ‘helping’ me and give him a kiss.

Then it’s my turn to ‘help’ him. I sit on the bed with my eyes closed and tell him to put the dildo in my mouth but it’s my son’s thick flesh that gets stuffed into my mouth…the soft skin over the hard shaft tastes so good…I suck him for a while and then open my eyes. I’m ‘shocked’ when I see what he’s doing. I ask him how he could do such a thing to his mother…making his own mother suck him…he tells me, “It’s because you’re so beautiful…and you fill my heart with love.” That’s how he talks in my fantasies and what makes my days worthwhile is that he sometimes really does say things like that.

I’d fantasized sucking him so many times I didn’t know anymore if it was wrong or right…all I knew was that I wanted to…suck him until he called his momma as he came…suck him until I tasted his thick cum…suck him…suck him…my boy…my Eric…my love…my finger would be in my pussy and my thumb on my clit…he’s filling me…making love to me… and I’m telling him what I’ve been waiting to tell him…“Eric yes…inside me… love…love…you’re in me… I’ve waited…I didn’t let anyone have me…I’ve been waiting for you love…for your hardness…only you…Ohhhhhh yes sweetheart…do your momma’s pussy…” Then the words would ring in my head…words I thought would never leave my lips…“make your momma come…fuck me Eric…fuck me…make me come baby…all over your big, hard, mother-fucking cock.”

I came then…and I came now just thinking about it…it’s good…but not as good as it could be…not as good as I want it to be…not as good as it will be when my son has his cock buried deep in my pussy and pours hot cum into his mother’s hole.

“My God” I thought. “Where is this coming from? I went to Catholic school…I still go to church… sometimes…I can just hear this story reverberating in the confessional…it’s going to take more than three Hail Marys to expunge this from my record. What’s it going to take to expunge it from my head…my body…that aches for him…?”

It never took much. The smallest event would trigger me for days…sometimes months. I remember the day he brought me roses. When I asked him what the occasion was he said, “I just wanted to do something for you…because I know you would anything for me.” That set off my other favorite fantasy. I’m sitting and reading when Eric comes up to me. I have a short dress on. He say’s “Mother I know this is going to be hard for you but I need you to do this for me” He starts picking up my dress. I lift my arms and he takes it off. I’m not wearing a bra. He fondles my beasts and I cast my eyes down without a word. “Mother I can’t help myself anymore…I have to have you. I’m sorry to make you do this but I want you too much to stop…” I hear him unzip his pants and he says, “Mom…it has to be you…you have to suck my cock.” I open my mouth without looking up and I feel his hard cock fill my mouth. “Now suck me…mother…do it for me…” I do it for him…I lick him and I suck him and he comes and he comes and then he lays his head in my lap…and sucks me until I come.

Those were my thoughts and the more I indulged in them the more I became afraid of myself…of what I might do…what if I tried to seduce him and he was repulsed and angry…and what if he wasn’t…?

I had no one I could really confide in except for Stephanie, whom I told almost everything to - except that the feelings I was talking about related to my son. She was a widow who lived on our floor. She was about seven years younger than I, sweet and pretty. She spent a lot time at our apartment and she was like an aunt to Eric.

We had a lot in common. Since I was divorced we both were available, and both not girls anymore. We both had sons; she had two and I had one. When we became close, she confided in me about an incestuous episode she had with her oldest.

She told me how when her husband died she had taken Steven with her to clean out the cabin that they owned at Green’s Woods in order to sell it. The story she told me had me wide-eyed because of my own incestuous feelings for my son.

I played the story so many times in my head; I can still hear her voice as Stephanie said, “I was still upset about my husband dying even though we’d grown apart. In the last year we hardly ever had sex. Maybe that’s why I drank so much that night. We had worked all day and were both tired out. There was only one double bed and somehow we both ended up in it even though there was a couch. About a half-hour after going to bed I was just on the edge of sleep. I felt Steven’s hand reach over and rest on my breast. At first I thought he had done it in his sleep. I didn’t move.

I was wearing a long nightgown that had ridden up and then I felt him raise the back of it to my waist. His hand grazed my bare ass. I was groggy and not really comprehending what was going on. I was mostly on my belly and one knee was raised higher than the other. I’m so ashamed to tell you this Julia but you’re the only person who’s been there for me…”

Stephanie’s eyes filled and I took her hand in mine encouraging her as she continued to share her difficult story. “Steven put his hand on my pussy and just left it there…I should have stopped it right there…but I didn’t…I think he was waiting for me to stop him…but I didn’t…God Julia, it felt good and I hadn’t felt good in such a long time. And then he…pushed his cock into me and started stroking in and out of my pussy.

Oh Julia…it was only a matter of a couple of minutes but I started moaning…I heard myself and pulled away. I couldn’t believe what I had done…and what he had done and I said, ‘Oh no…God…what are you doing? Steven…what have you done…you were inside me…how could you…Steven…why? Steven…say something…I know you’ve been through a lot but…a son can’t do that with his mother…it’s wrong honey…it’s wrong.’

You know Julia…with his stuttering…how alone he always was…how they made fun of him…God…it almost broke my heart when he said, ‘Mother I just…wanted to love you…just love you.’ I can’t tell you how long it took him to get that sentence out.

I told him ‘But a son can’t love a mother that way…and a mother can’t want her son to do it.’ I was sitting up against the backboard and I froze when he hardly stuttered and said to me, “Mother, if you didn’t want me, why was it so wet between your legs…why did you move the way you did…?”

I couldn’t answer and I must have just muttered ‘Oh God…’ when he reached his hand into the top of my nightgown where the top buttons were opened and he exposed my breast. I kept saying, ‘No baby…you shouldn’t…’ while he held my breast and suckled on my nipple…harder and harder.”

I heard Stephanie’s breath catching as she said, “Then I stopped him Julia…I moved his head off me. I took a blanket and left the room. He called after me and started getting up but I was firm and told him to stay in the room.

The next morning I was so upset I left everything in a mess and we drove home. I told Steven that I forgave him because we both drank too much wine but that nothing like that would ever happen again…and nothing has Julia but I can’t help going over and over it…I’m glad I told you…do you think I’m terrible?”

I told her “Of course not honey…sometimes things happen and you just have to go on and leave them in the past.” Her eyes filled and she kissed me with a little sigh of relief.

Time passed and when Stephanie and Eric started going to the movies and taking walks more and more without me, I understood but I became concerned. Eric was starting college and I had mixed emotions when he decided that he would go to the local community college instead of going to an out of town school. I was happy he would still be near me. He said one of his reasons for staying home was so he could ‘take care’ of his momma but I knew another reason was Stephanie. When I asked him if Stephanie was too old for him he said, “Don’t be silly mom, I just like being with her and anyway, what does age matter? I like that she’s older and I like the way she looks…she reminds me of you in a lot of ways.”

I laughed and said, “Well we may look a bit alike but can you imagine me with a guy your age?”

“Sure mom” he said, “Why not? You look terrific; any one of the guys at school would be lucky to have a woman like you.” It gave me a secret thrill that my son thought of me that way. At any rate, Eric and Stephanie saw more and more of each other and when Eric was in his last year they decided to get married. If my life were a movie or my fantasies were reality, Eric would have realized he loved me and on the day of the wedding…well if wishes were fishes we’d all cast nets in the sea.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when Stephanie came to talk to me; after all she was a bright, intuitive woman. She said, “Julia, I love Eric and I think I could make him happy but there’s a something I have to know. You know because of…I just have to ask you…have you and Eric ever been physical with each other?”

My guard went up and I said, “Why do you ask?”

Stephanie sort of smiled and said, “Listen Julia, we’ve been friends for a long time and we can be straight. Unfortunately, I know about these things…I see the way you two look at each other and talk about each other…Julia honey you’re not even insulted I asked…I just have to know…believe me I understand these attractions but I couldn’t handle the complications of you actually…you know what I’m saying.”

My head went toward all kinds of deceptions where I swore her to secrecy and said that we slept together to drive a wedge between them…but I loved them both. I told her the truth. “No Steph, we never touched each other that way.”

They were married on Parson’s way, a path along the ocean near where we vacationed when Eric was a boy. It was very private and I cried.

Despite what most think, people don’t cry at weddings because they’re happy. They cry for lost opportunities, they cry for beginnings that aren’t theirs, and they cry for their unfulfilled desires. That doesn’t mean they’re not also happy for the couple; both are true at once. Our lives happen all at once but we look at it one piece at a time. I was happy for them and I cried.

I didn’t see too much of him or them for the first six months. After that Eric came over alone more and more. I would make him dinner sometimes; but most of all, we sat around with a bottle of wine and talked. I could hear some dissatisfaction in his voice from time to time but he never really complained. I on the other hand complained all the time, mostly to myself. He stopped coming over and I was lonely and unhappy. The few dates I had were uninteresting and nobody I met came close to inspiring me to abandon my self-imposed celibacy. I masturbated a lot. I thought about my son a lot.

I was surprised when Eric called me the week-end after he and Stephanie had been away to celebrate their first anniversary. His voice on the phone was sad enough to break my heart even before I had any idea of what he was going to say. When he actually got to it he said, “Mom I couldn’t say this to you face to face, that’s why I’ve been avoiding coming to see you…but I have to say it. Something’s not working out for me with Stephanie…it’s not her fault…oh mom, I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t know what to do…you’re the only one I can tell…and you’re the only one I can’t tell.”

“What do you mean Eric? You can tell me anything…you know that baby…I would never judge you honey…I’m here for you baby…just tell me and you’ll feel better.”

“Mom, I may feel better but I’m worried about…how you’ll feel…Mom, the last few months have been so hard. I realized so many things. I may have married Stephanie for the wrong reasons…I love her but there’s something else driving me… she tries and she…I thought I could do it but I…love someone else too…I want someone else…Mom I’ve been fighting this for years and I can’t keep denying what I feel anymore.”

I thought that if my heart beat any louder, I wouldn’t be able to hear another word. “Oh God” he went on, “for years I told myself that it wasn’t real…how could a son want to…love his own…mother that way…but I think about it…too much…”

“Oh honey…it’s okay…it’s okay…tell me…tell me what you wanted to do…I’ll understand”

“Mom, I’ve wanted you since I can remember …it’s always been you…since my first girlfriends…when I felt their breasts, it was yours I was touching; when they took me in mouths…I saw you…” His voice got heavy “…even with my own wife… sometimes when I’m inside her…it’s you…your mouth…your…pussy…you. How can I even think these things? But it’s so strong mom that here I am saying them to you. I’m talking to my own mother about being in her pussy…I can’t believe you don’t hang up in my face…I know it’s hopeless to want you this way…and now I think I’m trying to make Stephanie into you…mom, what am I going to do?”

“Listen to me honey…this whole thing isn’t just a fantasy on your side…I hope you’ll understand but…a lot of what you feel is because it’s…what I feel too baby…you’re feeling what I showed you…I don’t know, maybe this thing is just an obsession on both our parts and sometimes the idea is a lot sweeter than the reality. Ricky…here’s what you’re going to do…you’re going to come home baby…you’re going… to…fuck me.”

I let the words hang in the air. His breathing deepened. I said, “Maybe after that we’ll both be through with this crazy idea…where are you baby?”

“I’m nearby…I’m…”

“Come home honey…momma’s here for you…waiting for you.” He hung up without saying anything but I knew he was on his way to me.

I wanted to be beautiful for him; I wanted to be powdered and perfumed and made-up to perfection. I was going to be a far cry from that. The best I could manage was a satiny bra, panty, and nightgown set. The face and body would be ‘au naturel’, for better or for worse.

When the door opened he said, “Oh mom, I was so stupid…how could I not know…?” I stopped him with a kiss and put my hand where I had so long wanted it to be. I could feel him stiffening to my touch as my tongue ran over the surface of his for the first time. After opening my robe he reached into the top of the thin bra taking out my breast. He said, “Mom you’re so beautiful” as he fastened his lips around my aroused nipple. His sucking took me back to the pleasures of feeling him at my breasts when they were swollen with milk for him.

His hand went between my legs to the soaked-through panties that evidenced my wanton desire to have my son…there in the wet…inside me. We almost fell as I pulled him to the couch where I wanted an end to the waiting. I took my panties down exposing myself. I didn’t want anything but him inside me. My voice was imploring, “Please baby…now…be in me… now…”

My son’s cock looked massive as it emerged and approached my opening. It split me and spread me and filled the needful emptiness. I could hear and feel the moisture that surrounded his cock as it traveled its stuttering path to the depths of my belly.

I was lost in the feelings of his cock massaging inside me when Eric’s voice returned me to awareness. “Mom, I can’t believe I’m really in you…fucking you…it’s better than I thought it could be…oh God…how can I be feeling so good…fucking my own mother…?”

“It’s okay baby” I told him. “You’re where you’re supposed to be now…inside your momma’s pussy…yes baby…where I need you to be…filling me…where you need to be…inside your mother…who loves you…loves you…OH…OH…” I came with a shudder, unexpectedly. My orgasm was shockingly longer than anything I had experienced in masturbatory fantasies. When I finally crested, ordinary reality began to loom.

Panic started creeping in the form of goose bumps along my skin as my son responded to my coming with an accelerated pace. “Eric…no…no…don’t come in me…I don’t…” Before I finished he pulled out of me and then sat up, panting. I said, “Oh thank you honey…I have no protection and…oh sweetheart when you were loving me I wasn’t even thinking…I’m sorry…” His cock was still hard and pointed as he sat.

I went to the soaked head and leaned to engulf it in my mouth. The combination of tasting the juice I had produced for him and the sensation of having the flesh I had fantasized over actually in my mouth set me squirming. I was sucking on my son’s cock and I couldn’t imagine a sweeter thing.

I cupped him in my hand as I worked as much of the shaft as I could toward my throat. Eric leaned back and his eyes closed as his face registered the intensity. The volume of his moans increased as my hand glided along the long shaft. My lips pursed, my mouth sucked and my tongue licked; he began to come. I almost felt as if I could come with him as my mouth flooded from the hard spurts of my son’s warm cream.

As he finished coming in my mouth his sigh was musical and he said, “Mom, I know this is going to sound like…mom, nobody ever sucked me like that in my whole life…no one ever took me so far down…and when I started coming in your mouth and you kept sucking…I ...I can’t describe it…it was just unbelievable.”