Afraid to Get Married

A big 'Thank You' goes out to my editor 'Techsan' who is always there for me.

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As I rolled off her soft warm body I thought what a beautiful and wonderful woman she was. Tender, sweet and everything a man could possibly ask for in a woman. I laid my hand back on her breast and kissed her softly. She turned on her side and pushed her butt up against my now flaccid member. I put my arms around her and we simply cuddled. I loved this women with all my heart and all my soul. Looking back over my twenty-five years of life, there was no one that could hold a candle to Candy. That's right, her name was Candy and she could literally melt in my mouth.

We lay there for about another half hour before she had to get up and go home. We both had our own apartments in the same neighborhood but in different buildings. We were both single and never married. She was college educated and I went though a trade school program and had my own construction firm. We have been going together for almost a year. So what was the problem? I was afraid to marry her. I knew she would say yes because we talked about it many times. I knew it was time to talk about it again.

We both showered and as she was leaving my apartment we agreed to dinner the next evening and I told her we could discuss the future. After she left I began thinking about her. In fact, when I wasn't working I spent every waking hour thinking about her. In my mind she was the perfect woman, almost. Why almost? We both had a life before we met. For me it was pretty wild. I had sex with just about any woman who was willing, and I do have to admit that there were a lot. Of course I thought I loved a few of them and others thought they love me. After dating them a while the sex was good but it had a tendency to lose its flair.

I will admit I tried just about everything. Hell, I was a young single guy who loved sex. I did have a few rules. No married women. If I found out they were married, I broke off the relationship, no matter how good the sex was. I wasn't going to be the cause of anyone's divorce.. My parents were divorced and I knew how hard it is on the kids. It's just something you have to live with. I always used protection, well almost always. If I was in a relationship for awhile and the woman was on the pill, then I would go bareback. It just felt so much better. I have been going bareback with Candy for months now.

I never led a woman on. I wouldn't tell them I loved them just to get into their pants. Love had nothing to do with it. Blood flow was my problem. The blood flowed to my dick and got it hard and I needed to release the contents. That was it.

I went to a number of parties that were pretty wild. Shared chicks, group sex, I did it all. Funny that drugs and booze seemed to cause a lot of it. I never did drugs. I was smarter than that. Booze was another story. I could drink with the best of them. Beer, mixed drinks, spiked punch, I drank it all. I always had enough sense to remember the condom and know my drinking limitations. I never woke up wondering who I had slept with.

I'm here to tell you that most any woman's inhibitions will be reduced if she drinks or takes drugs. I don't care what any damn doctors tell you. If a woman goes out with me and she gets stoned, I guarantee my chances of getting into her pants have greatly increased. Even if she is somewhat drunk my, chances have increased considerably. It's just a fact of life.

I picked up Candy the next evening and we went out for a nice dinner. She looked great. Of course she would look great in a pair of jeans and a tee shirt but tonight she had on a black mini skirt and red silk blouse. The way she was dressed could only be described as the fuck me look. Anyone who looked at her would have to say, "fuck me."

We sat down and she asked for a glass of wine. I got a beer. God, she looked like an angel. So perfect I almost wanted to cry looking at her.

As we were eating I told her how beautiful she looked and how I could hardly wait to make love to her. She asked me if I thought I was going to get lucky tonight since I had gotten so lucky the last two days in a row as she smiled at me.

I said, "I sure hope so. I feel as though an evening without making love to you is an evening lost." I knew it made her smile. I loved it when she smiled. Then she came out with the fatal question.

"Jim, why won't you marry me? You know how much I love you and you can feel that love every night if we got married. What is it about me that turns you off?"

"Turns me off? What kind of a stupid question is that. I never in my entire life have loved anyone the way I love you. I would die for you in a second. Don't you ever say I don't love you. Right now you are my life and I'm on pins and needles hoping I don't lose you."

"God, Jim, what am I missing here? If I love you with all my heart, and you say you love me the same, then what is the problem?"

"Well, there a couple of things. I'm paranoid and can't help it. I know that we both had sexual relations before we met. We both agreed never to bring our ex-sexual partners up. But you're so damn beautiful that every time I see you talking with an old friend or acquaintance I am always asking myself if he was one of them? I have a real jealousy issue. I worry about losing you to an ex-lover."

"I don't know whether to be happy or aggravated about your feelings toward me. Jim, I love you and only you. I don't want to sleep with any old ex-boyfriends. I only want to make love to you. Can't you understand that? What's your other hangup?"

"Your work situation. You're a legal secretary in a large office with lots of lawyers and judges running around. I'll bet a day doesn't go by when someone hits on you. Am I right? It would only take one yes from you and I will have lost you."

"Why do you feel this way? Have I ever led you to believe that I want someone else? What has caused you to be such a pessimist and always expect the worst? And to answer your Question, the answer to whether I get hit on is yes, just about every day of my life. I would think you would be proud to have a girlfriend and hopefully wife that people found attractive. I can handle it. I've handled it my whole life."

"I love that you are so attractive. I guess I'm insecure with myself. I wish I wasn't but I am. I think I have to tell you a little more about my past and maybe it will help you understand. Why don't we go over to your place and I'll do my best to explain it to you"

"I think you just want to make love tonight but I'm willing as long as we talk some of this pessimism out of you."

We went to Candy's apartment and I poured us both a glass of wine while she changed into something more comfortable.. She came out in a pair of baby doll pajamas. Damn, what a woman.

We sat on the sofa and I began to explain some of my past. "It all began when I was just a kid. My parents got divorced. My mom was caught making it with her boss. My dad was a no nonsense type guy. He asked for a divorce and mom didn't even try fighting it. She told me that she just fell out of love with my dad."

"I have two sisters, you met them both. They have both been divorced. My oldest sister caught her husband putting the make on his secretary. After they were divorced, he married his secretary and is already divorced again. My sister really loved him. She never thought he would cheat on her but he did. It was over a year before she started dating again. Hopefully she can find the right man this time."

"My youngest sister made the mistake of going out with the girls and drinking a little to much. Her husband came home from work and found her in the arms of an old boyfriend. To this day, my sister says she doesn't know why she did it. She loved her husband but for some reason she cheated on him. She regrets it to this day but it's too late. The damage is done."

"Jim, that's your family. That's not you and it sure isn't me. Just because they didn't make it doesn't mean we can't."

"Candy, you know how they say once a cheater, always a cheater? I wonder if the same applies to sex. Once you tasted the sexual excitement out there which we both have, will it be enough to be monogamous with me.? Will I be enough for you in the years to come? Will you have the same desires for me ten years from now as you have now? I know it sounds stupid but that's a lot of what I'm feeling."

"Doesn't that work both ways, Jim? Do you feel you may want your old girlfriends or multiple partners as you told me you have had. Will I be enough to quench your sexual desires in the future? Do you want to put the rest of our life on hold waiting for me to make a mistake so you can say I told you so? Let me tell you one thing. Right now I love you as much as a woman can love her man. Do I know that it will last forever? Hell, no, I don't! I'm not a psychic but I know two people have to put into a relationship in order to get anything out of it. That's where the trust comes in. If you don't feel you can trust me, then we don't stand a chance."

"God, you're not only beautiful but you seem to be so aware, so smart. I wish I had half the optimism that you have. And to answer your question, if any of my old bed mates came up to me for sex, I could turn them down in a second if I knew I had you waiting for me. You see, they were all sexual partners. But with you it's sexual love. I think I could honestly say no to any woman as long as I knew you were there for me. I truly believe it. I feel I love you that much."

"Then why do you feel my love for you is so much different? What makes you think I would just jump in the arms of another man?"

"I guess it's our backgrounds. I might run across a few lonely housewifes or a waitress or two in my construction business. I don't care to go to the bars anymore since I know I have you to hopefully come home to. I have no interest in picking up women anymore. You on the other hand, dress like a knockout everyday and get hit on by lawyers and judges and clients. You are asked to spend nights at times away from home. So the opportunity for other men to hit on you is always present. I have to say that really bothers me."

"Well, honey, you gave me a few things to think about. Only so I can try and put your mind at ease. That's enough talk for tonight. Do you think you have enough optimism left in you to make love to me tonight or should I phone a friend?" she laughed.

"That wasn't all that funny, Candy. I really do worry about those things but for tonight I think I have everything well under control."

As we walked to the bedroom I slipped off my shirt and removed my trousers. I climbed upon the bed and started kissing her. Then we started in on the hot stuff. I began kind of rubbing her all over, lifting up her pajama top and kissing her breasts. Then she became playful and wanted to wrestle. She jumped up and sat on my chest, with her pussy just inches from my face. I could smell her sex as she scooted forward. She was holding my arms down above my head while she moved her pussy over my face. I could have thrown her off in a second but why would I want to?

I acted like I was pinned down as she slipped her mound over my mouth. She reached down pulling her pajama bottoms to one side so I could press my lips against the skin of her vagina. I licked and kiss it for the next minute or so. Then I easily rolled her onto her back with my face buried deep between her legs. It was time to use the tongue. It always got to her. When I knew she was ready for a mini-climax I backed away. She looked at me. She knew what I wanted. We've done it many times before. As I looked at her sweating beneath me I said. "Talk dirty for me, you know I love it."

"Oh, Jim, fuck me baby, put your cock into me, you know I want it. Please, baby, don't make me wait, I want you so bad. Just stick it in me."

I removed her pajama bottoms and slowly slid my cock into her. "Keep talking, baby, I want more talk."

"Oh, fuck, baby, it feels so good, please give me more. Stick it all the way in. Oh, God, yes, yes, that's it, baby, harder, harder. Cum in me baby, coat my insides with your juices. That's it, that's it baby, I can feel you ready to shoot your load in me. Come for mommy, come on, cum for mommy. Oh, God, I can feel it, shoot it all in me baby, give it all to me."

I came with everything I had. Damn, she was the best. After coming she turned on her side, put her arms around me and said, "I love you, Jim. There will never be anyone else unless you push me away." Then with her arms around me, she fell asleep.

I laid there a few minutes and realized what she had said. "Unless you push me away." I was afraid that's what I was doing - pushing her away. In one sense I loved her for exactly who she was. But in another I wanted her to change so I would feel more secure. God, what was the answer to my dilemma. I better figure it out soon. This was one angel I didn't want to lose.

We got up the next morning - yes, I spent the night and yes, we did it again during the night. After getting up we took turns cleaning up. Thank God it was the weekend. It gave us time to spend together and maybe come up with a few more answers to my dilemma.

The phone rang and Candy answered it. I could only hear one side of the conversation but it didn't sound good. "Sunday. . . three days. . . Columbus. . . yes, sir. . . I understand. . . I'll be ready. . ."

She hung up the phone and looked at me. I spoke first, "You have to go away for three days to Columbus on business, don't you?"

"Yes, we have a trial going on there and it's to far to drive back and forth each day so we will be staying at the Holiday Inn for a few nights. We will be leaving Sunday night so we will be fresh Monday morning for the trial. Hopefully it will end by Tuesday evening and we will be back sometime Wednesday. I won't be able to see you till Wednesday at the earliest. When I get there, I'll call you and give you my room and phone number so you can get hold of me."

I just put my head down. She knew this was one of my worst fears in losing her. I might just be paranoid but that was the way I felt. If I wasn't able to change then I knew I would probably lose her. I just felt it. No woman no matter how nice would put up with my behavior for ever.

"Honey, it's alright. Nothing is going to happen. It's just part of my job. I'm not anyone's sex toy but yours. I'm a paralegal and damn good at it. If anyone tries anything with me, they know that I know the law too an am capable of suing them. Please honey, you just have to learn to trust me. I love you with all my heart but I can't feel guilty every time I have to do my job. Now let's enjoy the weekend and forget about work for now."

I knew she was right. She has been wonderful ever since I met her. I was remembering our first time making love. I met her at the lawyers' office. I had some dealings with them on a construction job. Every time I would go into the office I saw Candy in her office. She was one of those gals that you can't help staring at. Finally one day while waiting for my paper work, I walked into her office, looked at her and said, "I think I love you, will you go out with me.?" then I smiled at her.

I remember she burst out laughing and said, "Wow, that's the first time I heard that approach before." Then she held out her hand and said, "Candy Miller, glad to meet you, Jim."

"How do you know my name? I just met you."

"Well, it just so happens I watched you every time you walked in, and thought that I might like to get to know you better. So the answer to your question is: Yes, I will go out with you. You can call me either Friday or Saturday and let me know where you would like to go."

My lawyer came back and gave me my papers and I said my goodbyes to Candy and told her I would call her later. I couldn't believe it. She said yes. I called and made reservations at one of the nicest restaurants in town for Friday night. I checked to see if anything was playing at the local theaters that she might want to see. Then I called her right back. I couldn't wait for three day to get her answer.

When she answered the phone her voice sounded so nice. "Candy Miller here, how may I help you?"

"By saying yes to dinner Friday at Robson's and then a movie of your choice."

"My God, Jim, you've only been gone an hour. What did you do, rush out of here and start making reservations?"

"Yep, that's exactly what I did. I didn't want to pass up my once-in-a-lifetime chance with the woman of my dreams. So, is it still a yes?"

"Yes, it's a yes, and as for the movie see if there are any tickets available at the playhouse. I've been wanting to see that play. If it's alright with you?"

"Anything for my dream date. I'll see you Friday at 7:00 if that's okay."

"That's fine. Let me give you my address. You can pick me up at my apartment."

That was our first date. She let me kiss her but I didn't even attempt anything more. We talked about our pasts but never gave names. We discussed our likes and dislikes. We had so much in common. She was my dream girl.

We had such a good time I asked her if she was still free on Saturday since she gave me a choice of days.

She said she was just going shopping on Saturday but I was welcome to come along.

I can't believe I said yes to going shopping but I wanted to be with her so bad that I agreed. We had a great time. She even modeled a few things for me. I never remembered shopping being that much fun. We ate a light snack in the mall and then went for a drive and talked some more.

We did talk about sex and after dating for about a month she asked me up to her apartment and we made love for the first time. I have been totally infatuated or in love with her ever since.

So I guess I felt like the guy at the top of the mountain and was afraid of falling off. I really wanted to change but how do I do it? I thought about bugging her purse and listening to her conversations. But that would mean I didn't trust her and if she found out it would probably be all over. I thought about going to Columbus myself. Take a few days off and kind of follow her around. Again that would show my distrust. Then it occurred to me. I really didn't understand women well enough. I needed someone I totally trusted to explain the situation to me. That's what I decided to do.

Early on Sunday afternoon we had a great round of sex. We made love a couple of times. I told her I didn't even want her thinking about sex for the next three days and I was going to make sure she had her fill. At least till she returned Wednesday. Sunday evening I kissed her goodbye. She knew I was worried but told me to trust her. So me and my flaccid dick went home.

I had a lot of construction work to keep me busy. It helped me keep my mind off Candy for awhile. After work on Monday night I decided to go visit the person that I trusted to explain my sexual situation to.

I knocked on the door. The big burly doorman opened it and asked me what I wanted? I asked to speak to Madame Eloise. He asked me if she was expecting me. I told him no but if he would please tell her Jim Jones would like to speak with her.

Madame Eloise of course was a Madam with a number of cat houses or houses of prostitution all over the state. She started out as a prostitute to work her way through college. That was many years ago. Today besides owning her businesses she has a PHD in Psychology. If anyone knew something about people it would be Madame Eloise. I met her through the construction business. I did the complete remodeling of the outside of some of her establishments. A few of my employees returned some of their paychecks to Madame Eloise for services rendered. I never have paid for it but I do have to say she had some of the best looking women in the business. No streetwalkers and all her girls had weekly checkups. Her gals made big money. Unfortunately she had a number of married women who worked for her as well. That, I thought, was sad but they were there by choice, some for the money and others for the excitement.