Agnus Dei

"Come on, Agnes! It's wonderful."

Hesitantly I followed, but with every step I took, the fresh coolness of the river cleansed not only the sweat from my skin, but also washed away my worries and doubts. The creek was rather deep at this place, though never so deep that my feet could not reach the ground, and it felt wonderful to throw myself into the water, then jump back up into the warm air. I couldn't swim, as swimming wasn't something women were supposed to do. Robert had tried to teach me when we were little children, but when Father had found out he had been very angry, and had forbidden us from going to keep watch over the animals together for a while.

I watched Robert swim though, his muscles playing under his skin, which looked soft in the greenish water. Suddenly he disappeared under the water, and though I could still make out the shape of his body moving towards me, I held my breath. A second later, I felt something touch my legs and pull at them. With a mixture of a scream and laughter, I fell. My head dipped under the surface for a moment and I swallowed a big mouthful of water.

The next moment, Robert grabbed me to pull me out of the water, and for a moment his smiling face was very close to mine. I could feel his breath on my wet cheeks and his chest brushing my breasts. The moment seemed to last forever, and I was suddenly very aware of the fact that we were alone, and that neither of us was wearing any clothes. Robert's hands held my arms as he pulled me up, then let go of them, and for a moment he was about to touch the small of my back and pull me yet closer to himself, I am sure. But he didn't. Then both of us were standing again, and laughing, Robert turned around and moved away as fast as the more than waist high water allowed him.

"Just you wait," I shouted, smiling, as I followed him.

It felt good to play again, to be silly and not think about work. I hadn't run just for the joy of it in years.

He let me catch up with him soon, and though he was a lot stronger than me I managed to push him over so we both were lying in the water again, wrestling and trying to push each other's heads back under the water, as we had done when we were little children. More than once, his hands brushed my breasts or the small of my back. At first I didn't notice, but when I did, a little feeling of doubt appeared somewhere in the back of my mind. I felt exhilarated though, happier than I had been in years, and the dizziness that had spread from my stomach to my head earlier was back, and it pushed all doubt out of my mind.

'He's my brother', I thought. 'There can't be anything bad about this. We are brother and sister, we always played in the water like this.'

After a few minutes, we paused. I was out of breath. We stood opposite each other, the water reaching our waists. Robert smiled at me, his eyes wandering up and down my body. They paused at certain places, longer than what seemed appropriate, and I was tempted to raise my hands and try to cover myself.

"You are beautiful, Agnes."

I felt myself blush. It was as if I had wished all my life to hear these words from Robert, even though I knew they weren't true, not in comparison to other girls, like Katharina. My skin was too light and I had freckles on my face and arms, and I was short, and too thin, my breasts small. I lacked the curves all other girls from the village seemed to have. Yet, Robert looked at me admiringly. There was an odd, almost hungry, expression in his eyes.

"Have you ever kissed a man, Agnes?"

His voice sounded soft, a whisper like that of the leaves in the trees in the slight breeze the afternoon brought.

Slowly I shook my head. He knew I hadn't. A moment later, his face was right in front of mine. I didn't know how that had happened - I could feel his breath, and then the touch of his lips on mine. Before taking a startled step backwards I hesitated just a second too long, and felt his tongue trying to find its way into my half open mouth.

And I could taste it still, when I stood opposite Robert, away a safe distance again. My mouth was still open, my lips seemed to burn where his had touched them.

"Don't be scared, Agnes."

His voice was calm, soothing. My brother's voice, as I'd always known it. He had lifted one arm, holding it out towards me, as if wanting to hold me and draw me back near him.

"There is no one here but you and me. No one will ever know. And you want it too, don't you? I have seen how you've been looking at me lately."

His face was next to mine again. He smelled of the sun, of the dust from the field and of the water he had been bathing in. One of his hands was holding on to my arm, gently, yet that seemed to make it impossible to back away again. There was a power in his grip that had nothing to do with strength or force.

"There is nothing wrong about this, Agnes. You are so beautiful, it would be a shame if no one wanted to kiss you. And shouldn't it be me, rather than one of those men from the village, who aren't even smart enough to appreciate you?"

I suddenly noticed how blue his eyes were. They looked like a bit of sky, shining through between all the tall trees that surrounded us. I wondered how long it would take for his lips to touch mine again. Were they really as soft as they had felt for that one second? Or had I imagined it?

He let go of my arm, yet I didn't move away from where I was standing. It seemed like his eyes were holding me captive now. His hand slid behind my head, his fingers entangling in my hair, and his face came closer and closer to mine. I closed my eyes. Then his lips were there again, his tongue making me forget everything I had been thinking. The world seemed to disappear. I was a bit afraid my legs might forget to support me, but Robert's arms were wrapped around me, and held me securely.

Robert was kissing me, he wanted me, he loved me. Not Katharina, or any of the other girls in the village. He cared only for me, like it used to be.

I didn't want to stop, I didn't want to return to the reality of the forest around me. When Robert stopped kissing me, I didn't want to open my eyes. But he took my hand and started leading me back to the shore, out of the water. I had to open my eyes, so I wouldn't fall, and when I looked down, and then looked at him, as we stepped out the water, I saw his manhood.

I had caught a small glimpse of it, earlier, when he was bathing and I was watching him, but it had changed now. There had been talk about this. I remembered some of the girls my age that had already gotten married, talking, telling us things in secret that our mothers refused to talk about. I didn't spend a lot of time with the other girls though, and hadn't heard a lot.

Robert saw my look, and smiled. I blushed, and tried to look away, but couldn't. His eyes were on me again. There was no surprise in his face though, just a desire that somehow made me feel scared and happy at the same time. Once again, I grew aware of my nakedness, of how exposed I was to his eyes. However, I didn't want to cover myself up this time.

We sat down in the grass by the river, and again he put his hand behind my head, leaned over me, and started kissing me. I lay back, and felt the touch of Robert's fingers traveling along my neck, caressing my skin.

His fingers reached my breasts, and I felt a shiver run through my body. His hands were rough from the work in the fields, but he was careful and gentle with his touch. He cupped my breasts, and then stroked them with just the tips of his fingers. When he took my nipples between his fingers, I realized that they had become hard as they do when I wash with cold water, or on those few, secret occasions when I... but this is nothing I should think about, now that I am here at this place, in this church. I shouldn't think about that day in the forest either, but I can't stop. Every day, my memory goes back to that day.

I wanted Robert to never stop touching and kissing me. His hands continued their journey - it seemed he wanted to feel every bit of my body. Finally, they reached the place between my legs. I don't know how, but I knew I was wet there. I could feel the liquid in me, along with a feeling of emptiness, a wish to feel something in there. Even now, in the cool walls of the monastery, I feel warm when I think of his fingers' touch, and how he carefully slipped a finger into me after a while. It moved in with ease, and for the first time since everything had started, I uttered a sound: A low, drawn out moaning that almost didn't sound like my voice.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered the whispers of the married girls, of what they said their husbands did with them -- and of how this was something that shouldn't be talked about, much less done, with anyone but one's husband. I pushed the thought away. This was different. Robert was my brother; he had always been there for me. If he said it was alright, then it was.

I wondered what would happen next. All of this was new to me, and for a second I wondered how Robert could know so well what to do, how to touch me. He didn't seem hesitant at all, but more... I don't know, curious. Like he was finally doing something he had planned for a long time.

He stopped kissing me, and his mouth moved closer to my ear. For a moment I felt his tongue there, but then all I felt was his breath as he whispered: "You know I will get married soon. I have to. But you are different than Katharina, Agnes. You are special. I want you to be my first, I have always wanted that."

His face was above mine again, his blue eyes looking into mine as if he could see what was behind them, as if he could see what I was thinking or feeling.

"Do you want that, Agnes?"

He wasn't whispering anymore. His voice was a bit hoarse, and shaking slightly.

"Do you want to be my first?"

I didn't know what he meant, not really. I had an idea from what I had heard in those whispered conversations, a very vague idea. What I knew was only that Robert wanted something from me, that he wanted it from me, rather than Katharina or anyone else. I nodded.

Robert started kissing me again, and I closed my eyes. I felt him shifting the weight of his body onto me; I felt his skin against mine. Something was touching me down there, pressing against me. Something big and hard, and somewhere in my mind it registered that it was his manhood, still as erect as it had been when we stepped out of the water. I vaguely knew he was going to enter me with this, that he would put it where his finger had been before. I wasn't sure how this could work, I couldn't really imagine it to fit - it felt huge against me -- but I did not think much anymore. I just wanted to feel it, feelhim inside me. It was as if this was something I had been waiting for all my life. I opened my legs further, to help him, to let him inside.

He stopped kissing me, seemingly concentrating, and I felt his manhood at my entrance, slowly pushing inside. It seemed to go in with ease, and I felt almost frustrated by how slowly he was pushing into me. I wanted to feel him completely. Robert paused, and then, suddenly, with one hard thrust he was deep in me. A sharp pain tore through my body, making me gasp. My body went rigid. Robert held still then, and I felt the size of his manhood inside me, his breath on my face.

"Shh, Agnes. It only hurts for a moment. In a short while it will feel good, you will like it, I promise."

And after a short pause, he added: "You love me, don't you?"

I did. He is my brother, how can I not love him? He is the one that was always there for me. My handsome brother, who all the girls in the village admired. And I - I was his princess, I always had been. Not Katharina or anyone else, just me.

Robert was right. It did stop hurting very soon, and when he started moving inside me, first slowly, then faster and faster, once again my thoughts were all wiped out. At that moment, everything, the whole world, seemed simple. Everything was clear to me. I think I understood something I have forgotten since. Robert was everywhere, in me, above me, touching me, kissing me, until it felt like my whole body exploded.

***

Remembering it makes me tremble even now. I shouldn't think of it, I shouldn't remember. It makes me feel hot and cold, and they say I shouldn't get excited, it is not good for my health.

I look up, into the darkness of the church. A small light is falling into the building through a colourful window high up. The monotonous mumble of prayers around me calms me down. I won't think of Robert anymore. I am not supposed to remember, I am sure. But I can't help it. I have to keep my heart and mind calm, they say. But does it really matter whether I get excited and sad, or not? It doesn't make a difference. I know I don't have long to live; I feel the weight of my body becoming more difficult to carry each day. The body that Robert called beautiful, the body that could feel such pleasures I never imagined existed - it feels heavy and inert now. It's binding me to this earth, but not for long. I see how they look at me -- like at someone who is dead already. I might just as well think of him, of how close we were. Of my happiness, and of what followed afterwards.

When the waves of pleasure inside me grew less strong, I found myself in the grass on the forest floor. Robert was sitting next to me, looking down at me. He leaned over me, to give me another kiss, on the cheek this time. I wanted to lie there forever. I wanted to look up into the green treetops, and into his eyes. Listen to the sounds of the river, and to his voice telling me I was beautiful. But he was in a hurry suddenly.

He was right, of course, I had to get home. They would already be missing me, I had to help Mother with all the work. With a sigh, I stood up and got dressed. It felt strange, to put clothes back on my body. I thought that they were rough somehow, and sticky, that it was better to be without clothes in the forest. I said so, and Robert laughed.

"You have always been a bit of a dreamer, Agnes. Hurry up, you have to get home."

I hurried, and soon we left the forest. Robert returned to his work and I walked home. The air was as hot as it had been before, but the sun had disappeared: Thick clouds had appeared in the sky while we had been in the forest. I had walked a bit more than half of the way when the first raindrops fell. Then, all around me, there was thunder and lightning and thick, heavy rain.

The thunder was so loud I feared I would become deaf, and lightning tore the air, one flash after the other - as if the sky was angry, raging at me. It was at that moment I think I understood. It had been sin. What Robert and I had done, it had felt pure and good to me, but it wasn't. I had done something horrible, and now there was anger all around me. My first thought was to run back to Robert -- what if the lightning hit a tree under which he was seeking shelter from the rain? I had to see he was alright. I had to warn him.

But I knew I shouldn't, I should hurry home, and my feet stayed on the way they were told to follow.

I was wet down to the bone when I reached the house. All I wanted to do was take off my wet clothes, rub my body dry, and hide under a thick blanket, but I couldn't. There was too much work to do. The strong winds that had come with the storm had torn down part of the stable wall, and I had to help mother to repair it.

When evening came, the storm was over, but I felt like I could never get warm again.

Robert came home just when we had finished most of the work. He was almost dry as he had found good shelter from the rain. He didn't look at me all evening, while mother and I prepared dinner and helped the smaller children get ready for bed. Only once, when no one was looking, he took me to the side. He held my arm again, like earlier, but his grip was stronger somehow. It hurt a bit.

"No one can ever know, Agnes."

I nodded.

"No one, you understand? Not even the priest."

I looked at him in surprise -- I had understood that Mother or Father or any of the people from the village shouldn't know, but how could he expect me to keep something quiet in confession? He pulled me closer to his face.

"Promise me that you won't tell, ever. Do it for me, please. You said you love me."

My eyes sank to the ground, I felt my face grow hot again.

"I promise, I won't tell Not even the priest."

My voice was so small, he probably had to read the words from my lips rather than hear them. It was enough for him though. Without another word, he turned around to go to his sleeping place.

I was scared of the next Sunday, it was still almost a week away, but what could I do? Throughout the walk home, when there had been thunder and lightning all around me, my only hope had been to confess, to be forgiven. I wasn't sure what exactly I had done, or why it was bad, but I had understood it was, and it made my heart feel heavy. And now I couldn't ever have this weight lifted off me.

However, a long time would pass before I went to church or saw the priest again. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, and saw Mother sitting next to my bed with a wet piece of cloth in her hand to wipe my face. She said I had been screaming in my sleep and that I had a fever. I couldn't leave the bed for many weeks. I wanted to, I tried many times. I was used to being outside every day, working. Lying in bed doing nothing made me feel useless.

The first days of my illness, Mother spent every free minute near my bed, and Father, who had been sick for years now, talked to me. Then Mother's work started to occupy all of her time again, and Father grew quiet again. I had time to think, at least during the times my head didn't feel like it was bursting into fire. Weeks went by. When I finally felt better and could leave the house again, I already knew I was with child.

I knew I couldn't keep this a secret forever, so I had to tell them then, and I saw the fear in Robert's face. His wedding with Katharina was drawing near. Again, he took me to the side, asking me not to spoil things for him. I didn't -- how could I? He is my brother, I love him. During my sickness I had had enough time to think. I understood more clearly what had happened, but I didn't tell anyone. I didn't answer their questions about the where and when. I avoided everyone's blaming looks. Strangely, Robert's looks were similar to theirs. His eyes said it was my sin, not his.

I was weak, I stayed weak throughout my pregnancy, but the work doesn't do itself just because you don't have as much strength anymore. And often I was thankful if the day went by doing hard work, as long as it didn't take me to the village where my growing belly soon started to get noticed.

Fall came and rain fell every day, so Robert didn't work in the fields anymore. Longingly, I thought back to the time when I took him his lunch. My desire to be alone with him, to feel his fingers, his tongue, or even just his breath on my neck just one more time seemed to grow with every new day. There were always people around though. And if I caught him by himself somewhere, he always had somewhere to go. Still, life continued mainly the way it always had been. Only the whispering in the village grew louder.

And then, Katharina's parents said they couldn't give their daughter to live under one roof with a sinner like me, and that decided it - I was sent to this place, to have my child here, and live here, in the hope that a life of prayer would make me pure again. I missed my family, I missed our house, and the longing and the cold walls of the monastery made the sickness return. Since walking home that rainy day last summer, I have never been healthy again.

The winter was long and horrible. A few times I almost died. But I didn't, I had to have the child, Robert's child. They didn't think I would survive the birth, but again I didn't die. I had a beautiful baby boy, and I asked for him to be named after my brother. He was all my joy and hope, a sign that the world is still worth living in -- for a few hours. Then they took him, so he could live in a place fit for a child to grow up, raised by a woman who would teach him to be a good person. Of course, someone like me can't raise an innocent child. They explained, and I understood.