An Iranian Story

The crowd roared its approval. No longer would their tax dollars go to fund their countries militaries futile exercises, no longer spend money given to foreign countries, or give money to do evil around the world. They would be spending less money overseas; and they would be saving tax dollars at home, and it made sense, and it was not rocket-science. They could not wait for Ali bin Sultan King to be sworn in as their president, and they cheered him wildly.

As the speeches, the music, and the festivities ended for the evening, everyone rolled out a blanket, and went to sleep. It was just the way things were done in the desert.

They did not make it to the next venue of the day, because it was too late at night for the helicopter to fly. It was black as night, and everyone just threw down a rug and slept near his camel, ram, donkey, or whatever. It was a scene of complete happiness.

When he woke up the following morning, Ava said to him, "One more day of this Ali, and then we must get down to the business of government. Won't that be fun?"

"Ava, honestly, I am surprised there has not been more attacks against me during this tour. I have been wide open, and not a shot has been taken. That worries me, it worries me a lot."

His pilot said, "Sir, I did not tell you this before, because I did not want to rattle you. There was a major attempt on all our lives yesterday, as we flew through that mountain pass on our way here. I cannot tell you what happened, because I do not know. However, it was a disaster. On both sides of the mountain, there were mangled men and equipment from the bottom to the top, thousands of them, not one of them was alive. I do not know who or what killed them, but it was very effective, and very brutal."

"I know, I saw it. I know you cannot answer this with any accuracy, but did I get help from an outside source?"

"Either that, sir, or Allah struck down his mighty hand."

"Why would the United States get involved with a country that it has no relationship with?"

"Isn't that the question of the week, sir. Aren't you trying to stir the pot and make changes that would take this country away from the anarchy we are under, and move it towards a democracy they could deal with?"

"Yes, I am, and that would be one hell of a way to say hello."

"They would be saying more than hello sir. They would be saying that they approve of the direction you are trying to move the country."

"I will say how thankful I am in my inaugural address."

"Sir, if you do that, remember there will be thousands of military men in uniform, within 100 yards of you, with weapons strapped to their hip, and you will be up on a platform, as a target. I would not get them angry with you, if you want to make it through this speech."

Ava said, "Remember this, Avi, only I get to kill you, no one else. If someone else kills you, I will go down to hell, and bring you back, so I can kill you again, and then I will really hurt you."

Fannale asked; confused. "Sir, can she really do that?"

Ali smiled, "I have not seen her do it yet, personally, Fannale, but if there is anyone in our God's creation that can do it, it will be Ava, so watch out."

He did not even bother running. He took his punishment like a man. Ava caught him, and hit him with all the fury in her. Everyone around him was laughing hysterically. The more they laughed at her, the more infuriated she became. Finally, she became so infuriated, she stopped hitting him, and asked everyone why they were laughing at her.

They said to her, "If you loved your husband any more than you do, you would have to make his speeches for him, and pick out his cabinet, as well as his suit, shirt, and ties."

Ava screamed, "You are not being fair! I must beat him up. And I do pick out his ensemble. He is in arrogant male, and all men must be put in their place. They do not know where their place is, and it is my job to put that arrogant male of mine in there."

"Ava, what about an overbearing female?"

"There is no such animal!"

Every male in attendance laughed until their sides nearly split open.

They flew into Qom the evening before the swearing in ceremony. His father had brought their clothes in with him, so they had nothing to worry about. His main concern was his speech. Normally an acceptance speech was one hour or more. He knew he did not want to speak that long. He had several good lines that could make people laugh, but he also had several lines that were going to make the Army, and the ayatollahs very angry. He also had a few words to say as thank you to the invisible country that had saved his neck while flying through the valley where the brigade had been mysteriously destroyed. He would have to navigate that very carefully. He was not going to prepare anything in writing. He did much better speaking off-the-cuff. He wanted Ava standing next to him during the speech, and holding his arm. He wanted the country to see how he treated his woman, and he wanted the men in his country to treat their women as they are equals as well.

She did not know this yet, but the pilots were going to escort her to the dais. She was going to scream like hell. It should be fun to see. He was going to catch hell afterwards.

He would introduce her to everyone as their first lady. She would try to kill him for it, but it would set the proper tone for the next four years; and it would set the proper mood for his speech. It would set up the battle lines between the ayatollahs, the military, and him. He did not need any more fun than that. He did not believe this would take him more than 40 minutes, especially if they killed him first. He hoped Ava did not get hit in the process.

There was a processional on their way to the dais. First was the honor guard, then the military brass, followed by the ayatollahs, and then him and Ava. Behind them was another company of military men bringing up the rear. He did not feel comfortable about that.

Everyone was dressed in their finest. Ava looks stunning in her blue sequined dress, and here he was in a black suit and gray tie. She told him this morning he looked distinguished that way, and if he argued with her, she would hit him. He did not argue.

As they walked, they waved to the crowd as they were cheered. Fannale was wondering what the hell he was doing here. He was bracketed by the two pilots, looking very dashing in their new flight suits. He was very honored to be included in this ceremony, but he was a nobody, why the hell was he here?

As they reached the stage, Ali turned around to the three of them, and said, "Relax, you know what to do."

Fannale asked, "Sir, what am I supposed to do?"

Ali said, "I would not entrust my body to anybody but you, Fannale. After they kill me, I want you to carry me away."

"Ali, you are not being funny. I am going to tell Ava on you, and she is going to get very angry with you."

"That is why she cannot hear me now. You stay here, and my pilots will be in harm's way for a few minutes."

Fannale looked at them, "Oh shit, what did he talk you two into?"

"It is very simple, for US$1000, we must take Ava up to him just before he begins speaking. He will take her by the arm, and try not to break it, as he keeps her by his side as he speaks. If she does not implode, she will be the brightest color red ever seen."

"Oh Allah, there is going to be a war on the stage."

"I believe she will acquiesce, until she gets him into the automobile. Then she will take his arms and legs off and exchange their places on his body, without the use of medical implements."

"I believe that could be quite painful."

"I would not want it to happen to me."

"Maybe I should have the girls in the car, to calm her down."

"Fannale, I do not believe having Allah himself in the car would calm her down today. I believe we will need extra hospital supplies in the trunk for the trip back to the hotel."

"Okay, once he successfully starts his speech, and she has not killed him, I will run to the pharmacy and buy everything in sight, at double the quantity."

"I believe that is a very safe precaution. Also, getting a neck brace."

"Great idea, I did not think of it."

As they assembled themselves on the platform, Ali felt uncomfortable sitting in the front row. The generals, and the ayatollahs were on one side, and he, Ava, and the Islamic Consultive Assembly (Congress)members were on the other. If anyone was out there with a machine gun, this was their chance. Iran's chief Ayatollah, Ali Khamani now stood at the lectern, and gave a severe speech to the congregation, about religion and morals. The speech was not well received.

General Abraham bin Salaam took the lectern next and stated unequivocally that both he and the Army would follow the dictates of the new government without question. He had listened to the speeches of the new president and liked the way he wanted the country to grow. He believed that this was the right way for Iran to prosper and move away from the medieval culture that the ayatollahs had encased them in. I applaud Ali bin Sultan King for his vision of this country, and will support him in everything he wants to do."

Ali stood up, and approach the general, and shook his hand. The applause and cheers that grew up from the crowd were deafening. Even the members of the Army were cheering loudly. This was totally unexpected.

Quietly Abraham said, "Sir, I am your humble servant."

Ali replied, "No Abraham, 'YOU ARE THIS COUNTRIES MIGHTY RIGHT ARM'."

"Thank you, sir, I await your first-order."

"That will come tomorrow morning from my office. Please be there at 10 AM."

"I will be there, sir."

Ali returned to his seat, waiting to be introduced.

An Ayatollah took to the lectern, and asked him to step forward to take the oath of office.

He did, and within less than a moment he went from a private citizen to the leader of a large nation.

"I swear by the Omnipotent that I will bear the Responsibilities I have shouldered. I will protect the Religion, keep order in the country, and defend the Constitution."

He did not say thank you to the Ayatollah, he just turned to the lectern, and acknowledged the cheers of his nation.

He looked over his shoulder at Ava, who was smiling at him. She did not know this was his signal for her to be brought to him.

When she was grabbed under her arms, and lifted from her feet, she screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I am going to kill that bastard as soon as I get near him."

"You mean Fannale mam, this was his idea."

"You are a lying sack of shit.

"Thank you, my people, the first thing I want to do as your new president is to introduce you to my wife, your new First Lady, Ava, the love of my life. Ava darling, would you like to say a few words?"

"You mean words besides, "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME!"

The crowd roared with laughter as did Ali.

Ali said to the crowd, "Ava can talk to 10 people for 24 hours nonstop, and not have a problem. Put her in front of a crowd, and she becomes mute, she just cannot do it. If I want her to become quiet, I bring her to the lectern with me, grab her arm, and asked her to say hello. She turns red, and her vocal cords constrict. It is such fun to watch, and when we get back to our home, she tries to kill me with love. Just so that you are all aware of it, we are childless because Ava is unable to bear children due to a birth defect. There is nothing she or I can do about it. We have seen many doctors to try and change it. So far, we have not been successful.

Ava's head was now buried in his chest. She was uncomfortable having her personal life's spoken about in public.

He said, "Now, I am going to tell you part of my vision for the future, and it is only part of it. To tell you all of it would keep us here for a week, and my knees are too weak to stand here that long.

The first thing I am going to introduce to the Islamic Consultive Assembly for their approval a bill to remove the stricture of women having to cover their face, and body from head to toe in black. We invented colors eons ago, and those idiots buried us in black. That ends today. It is an abomination to the rest of the world, and it will not be tolerated here any longer. If they tell me no, because an Ayatollah tells them no, I will remove that Ayatollah, and the next Ayatollah, I will remove the next Ayatollah, and the next one, until they are all in jail, including Ali Khamenei. Once they are all in jail, for life, they will have no control over any part of this country, and all of you will be free. This is only the first of the laws I will submit to our Congress, and I expect it to be passed within the first few weeks. The next one will be an executive order to have the finance department stop financing international terrorism. Not one Rial will be spent on weapons going to other countries, or separatists, that depended on us for weapons. They will have to go somewhere else, because we will no longer be their lifeline. If they do not like it, and they come here and try to destabilize us, General Abraham bin Salaam will use the might of our army to crush out every one of them unmercifully. If they are on our land, we will bury them under it.

The Army and the people applauded wildly.

Third, I will invite the International Atomic Energy Commission to inspect all, that is right, all our nuclear capabilities. They will be given unfettered access. They will not have minders watching over them. If they want to see something, they will go over to it and see it. They will have no problems when they are here. When they ask us when they are allowed to come here, I will not give them a date. I will tell them, "Whenever you have time. You can show up at the airport unannounced, and be taken to any site you want." I want them to know we are not going to be hiding anything from them. I want this country to be free of any nuclear material that was going to be used by the ayatollahs to make a bomb. This country is not going to be involved in a nuclear war. We are not going to drop a bomb on anyone, so they will not drop a bomb on us."

Everyone was going crazy. They were screaming, applauding, jumping up and down, and yelling "Ali, Ali, Ali."

Ali was holding Ava close to him. He said to her, "I am never letting you out of my sight. You are the best piece of ass I have ever had, and I am the only one you are going to have until you are 75 years old. After that, I will renegotiate with you."

"Ali, you are incorrigible. However, I love you like crazy."

Phase 2

2 guards showed him the way to his offices. When they opened the doors, it was like opening the doors to Buckingham Palace.

He said, "No wonder the people are starving."

It took two full minutes to walk from the entrance to the door to his office. When they opened that door, you could hear the pneumatic seal open. He wondered what enemy they thought was going to get that close to him to start a biological attack.

He said to the Sergeant, "When Abraham gets here, bring him right in please."

The Sergeant said, "Mister President, there is no Abraham on your schedule today."

"What is my first name, sergeant?"

"Ali, sir."

"Get used to hearing it, because a lot of people are going to be using it in this office. Abraham is a general, does that ring a bell?"

"Do you mean General Abraham bin Salaam?"

"I do, and in this office, I am not going to call him general, I am going to call him Abraham, I want all of us to be friends. I want all of us to be countrymen. I want all of us to run this country the way it is supposed to be run, not like it was run. What is your name, and the name of your compatriot?"

"I am Ziad, my subordinate is Dymek."

Thank you Ziad, you can leave me now, I am expecting Abraham at 10, if any of those ayatollahs show up, I am not to be interrupted. Is that understood?"

"Yes sir, he will not be allowed in."

"Ali, you have some pair of balls."

"Ava, if there was anyone in this world who would know, it would be you, and you would be expert at it."

"Ali, do not you get smart with me, or next time I will bite them off."

"Darling, if it is only them, have at it. You will never have satisfaction again. You may try, and try, and try, because it will still be there for you to cry over. However, it will no longer be of any use to you. Isn't that a shame, Ava? You cut off your nose to spite your face."

"Why does it feel like I am talking to Azar, instead of talking to you? When did you grow up?"

"I grew up a long time ago. I just did not have the appropriate tools to deal with you. Azar gave me the roadmap to destroy your defenses and to make you into a tiny little girl so I could have my way with you."

"Remind me to beat that shit out of that woman. She is taking the fun out of my life. I will have to invent new ways to crucify you. It will not be easy, it may take me five or six minutes to do it, but you will suffer, because of it."

"You may come at me anyway you wish, tiny, because your little brain does not have the mass to conquer mine."

"Should I order a requiem mass for you now, Ali, or should I wait until the body gets cold."

"Since the heat here in the desert keeps everyone toasty warm, I would wait, because I may never get cold. Your hands have kept me warm for the past 13 years, and your pussy has kept me warmer since freshman year in college."

"If my father heard you say that, you would be the shortest reigning president, ever."

"You think your father did not know we kept an apartment in Bordeaux?"

"He would have killed me."

"That is funny, because you are still here, and he is still happy with you."

"Ali, do not lie to me, do you mean I could actually talk to my father about my college years?"

"Your father sent you your graduation gown, Ava. He could not have done that, and been angry with you."

"I am going to kill myself. I had been keeping that secret to myself for all these years, and he must have been laughing at me behind my back. I have been so stupid; everyone is smarter than I am."

"Then it should not surprise you, even the midgets at the circus are smarter than you are."

He got behind his desk, and took cover. He knew an explosion was coming, and she stood up and arched her back, her chest was about to explode, when Abraham walked into the office.

He said, "Good morning, I am here Mr. President."

"Abraham, from this moment forward you will call me Ali, unless I am in the company of another head of state. As you know, this is my lovely wife, Ava, and I am amazed that she did not have a heart attack just now, because she was about to yell at me, and you cut her off, just in time."

"Good morning, Mrs. President. I am sorry I did not let you emasculate the man in your family, as my mother does me. He must have been a very bad boy, and was deserving of your wrath."

"Abraham, I am Ava, and like my husband, unless we are with other heads of state, please call me by my given name. My husband said to the Sergeant's earlier than he wants to run this country as if we are all friends. He wants us all to be countrymen, equal; whoever, and wherever we are. It is a lofty goal, but one president must start climbing towards it, why not Ali? He wants this country to be run the way it should be run, the way that people want it to be run, not the way the Ayatollahs and the mullahs have run it. We must get this country out of the dark ages, and into the 21st century, even if we must drag it kicking and screaming by its heels into the future. We will do it for its own good. We have all the natural resources that any country could possibly desire to grow into a regional powerhouse, and we are going to do it."

"I see what you mean, Ali, you could not get a sentence out of her yesterday, today, she is all fired up and raring to go."