And Now I Know

Tag looked over at him, and they stared at each other for a while. The, Sen snuggled closer. Tag wrapped an arm around him. They fell asleep again.

This time, Sen didn't dream.

*****

It was morning.

Sen was in the guest bathroom, sitting on the closed lid of the toilet. He was crying. He didn't want Tag to hear.

He did, and he came in.

"Angie..." Sen said, looking up at Tag. "I...Angie..."

He pulled his knees up to his chest. His feet rested on the lid beneath him. Tag knelt down beside him, stroking his arm.

"Is this about...last night?" he asked.

Sen nodded.

"I'm sorry if I went too far. It won't happen again, I promise."

"No," Sen said quickly. "It was nice, to...to be with someone again. It's just..."

"Was Angela a bitch, Sen?"

"What? No!"

"Then she wouldn't want you to stay miserable."

Sen said nothing, staring straight ahead. He looked back at Tag, then smiled softly. He took his hand.

"You're great," he said.

Tag smiled.

"Let's get some food," Tag said.

*****

"I don't want you to," Sen said.

It was later, and Tag was leaving him for a while. He said he needed time alone with Angela.

"It'll only be for a few hours," Tag said, rubbing his back. "And it has to happen, Sen. You're ready. I can't be your crutch anymore. You have to get through this part. You're never gonna feel better until you do. I'll come back at nine, but I'm not going to talk to you until then."

Sen grumbled, tearing up.

"Besides," Tag said, stepping away. "I'm only going to the guest room."

He left.

For a while Sen wandered around the room, looking at stuff. Then he pulled some of her clothes out of her drawer. That made him sad, so he put them back.

He took out a photo album next. Most of the pictures in it were taken before Celia had died. They were painting the garden fence in one, and building a playhouse in another. One of them was of him painting. Angie was in the foreground, smiling and pointing at him. Her hair glowed in all of them.

Sen pulled out the rest of the albums, and lay down on the bed.

*****

He called Phil that week. Phil sounded like he was crying when he heard his voice.

"Are you better, Sen? Really, I mean?"

"Almost," he said. "Tell the others for me, will you?"

"Yeah," Phil said, sounding hoarse. "You bet, I will."

*****

"I'm gonna sell it," Tag said.

Sen looked up from his book. They were sitting in front of the fireplace. Tag was watching SoapNet.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he said, looking out the window. "It's time."

*****

Most of the utilities had been cut off in his absence, but his parents' insurance had paid off the mortgage.

They started with the living room, painting and laying new carpet. Then came new cabinets and appliances for the kitchen, and new drywall from the bedroom. Sen bought new furniture, too.

"It'll help," he said. "Trust me."

They showed it to six families total. Only one of them qualified. It sold for eighty-five thousand. They had dinner at Millie's in town the night it came out of escrow. Ten beers in, Tag spoke.

"You're gonna take my money when it's time to pay you back," Tag said.

"Sure," Sen said back, grinning.

*****

February came. They'd been sleeping in the guest room. Sen couldn't bring himself to sleep in the master anymore.

"It's weird," he'd said.

They fooled around.

Now, they were laying there in the darkness, looking at each other. The moonlight made stripes across their bodies, and it made Tag's hair glow. Sen could see where it was growing out at the roots; it was black there. He reached out and touched Tag's scalp, the ran his fingers through his hair. Tag placed his own hand over his, smiling. It had become routine for them, being close together.

They kissed a lot at first.

He hadn't thought about it much directly, but Sen found himself surprised at how gentle Tag was. He felt that he ought to have been rash, impatient, even, but he wasn't.

Tag rolled on top of Sen, resting his chin on his chest. He was hard. Sen was, too.

"So how you wanna do this?" he asked.

Sen's legs parted slowly in answer. Tag stared into his eyes, looking serene. "Your eyes are like jade marbles," he said, "and your hair is golden."

He went slow.

He started with Sen's hairline, kissing down to his ear. He paused to suckle the lobe, running his tongue along the back of Sen's jaw. Sen shuddered, then moaned.

His hand, which rested on Sen's hip, trailed upward to the other side of his face, holding his head in place as Tag kissed and nibbled on his neck and collarbone. His hand moved from Sen's cheek to his shoulder, and his mouth moved to Sen's nipple.

Sen gasped, arching his back slightly. His cock brushed against Tag's, and Tag bit down inadvertently. Sen gasped again, beginning to sweat.

He moved faster now, licking and sucking his way down Sen's abdomen. Sen grabbed fistfuls of his hair and ran his fingers through it mindlessly, not knowing what else to do. Then Tag swallowed him.

Sen made a sound like a cough and his grip on Tag's hair tightened. Tag only lingered for a moment. He pulled off after only a few moments, starting in on Sen's inner thigh.

Sen struggled for breath as Tag pushed his legs open farther and his togue touch his opening. He cried out when it slipped in.

He couldn't hold on to Tag's hair, so he reached up and grabbed the pillow behind his head. "Tag," he said, his chest rising and falling sharply, "Tag..."

Tag's tongue disappeared, and something harder and drier took its place. Sen braced himself as a finger entered him.

He knew what to do - Ange had done this for him a few times - and it wasn't long before there were three inside him, stroking and teasing. His legs were touching either side of the bed now, and he tried to spread them wider. He looked down at Tag.

Tag looked haggard, his hair matted and his face covered in sweat. He climbed back up Sen's body, pulling his fingers out of him. When they were face to face again, Sen could feel Tag at his opening, pushing a little.

"Ready?" Tag asked hoarsely. He nodded.

Tag began to push, and Sen tried to relax as he slipped in. He let out a breath after the head was finally inside, and soon Tag was buried inside him. They kissed more.

When he was comfortable enough, Tag began to pull out again. Then he pushed back in, a little faster. Then out. Then in.

Before long, they couldn't keep their mouths together. Tag was slamming into him, and they were both grunting and moaning. They got in a few more kisses before Tag lost it.

He suddenly froze, his back arched, and he gripped the sheets and bellowed. Sen could feel him spurting inside, and he gave in too, gripping Tag's wrists. When it was over, they collapsed together, unable to think. When they could move again, they kissed gently some more. Sen laid across Tag's chest, wrapping his arm around his back. Tag rubbed his hair, kissing the top of his head.

They fell asleep.

*****

Sen woke up in bed. Alone.

He waited around for a few minutes, but when Tag didn't return, he pulled on some pants and went looking for him.

He found him in a storage closet off the kitchen. They had stored all of Tag's extras in there. Tag was sitting on a stepping stool, holding a can. He was crying.

Sen walked over, pulling a folding chair out of the corner and opening it. He sat down beside Tag, and put an arm around him.

Tag had a box in front of him. It was full of miscellaneous items. The outside was labeled Mommy + Daddy.

"What's that?" Sen asked, looking at the can.

"My mommy gave it to me in middle school," Tag said, his voice gruff. He let his hand fall into his lap.

"Is that why everyone used to call you Tag?" Sen asked, smiling.

Tag nodded, then leaned into Sen. His arms wrapped around Sen's midsection, squeezing. His body shook, so Sen squeezed back, rocking him.

When he calmed down a little, Tag backed away, looking at him. He was smiling, now, even though he was still crying. "Just like potty-training a kid, huh?"

"Yeah," Sen said.

They went through all of it.

There were bottles of nail polish and old razors and hair brushes; there were magazines and electric bills and old slippers. And pictures. There were lots of pictures.

Tag looked at each piece smiling at some and tearing up at others. In the end, they kept the pictures.

"Throw the rest of this crap out," Tag said, and they laughed. They boxed the rest back up, putting it against the wall. Tag carried the pictures, holding them to his chest.

"C'mon," Sen said, "There's something I want to do."

It took the rest of the day and a lot of tears, but they got all of Ange's things boxed up. They put them in the storage room next to Tag's parents' things. Except, of course, for the pictures. He carried his like Tag's; close to his heart.

*****

They sat in the living room later, stoking the fire and remembering.

"Hey," Tag said. His voice was still thick.

"What?"

"It's the fourteenth."

"It is, isn't it?" Sen smiled, squeezing Tag.

"We should do something special."

"Let's leave that for tonight," Sen said.

"That's not what I mean," Tag laughed.

"Well, I don't have any chocolates."

"None?"

"None," Sen said. He paused. "But I think I know something we can do."

He stood and disappeared down the hall. When he came back, he was carrying a thick book in his hands.

"What's that?" Tag asked. It was about the size of the tabletop of an end table. On the front, the word Loved was printed in Lucida Calligraphy script.

"It's an album," Sen said. He opened it. Inside, there were black, beautifully decorated pages. There was a Christmas theme. "I was making it for Angie. I think all of our photos should fit I here."

"I think you got the wrong holiday," Tag said, but he was smiling, and there were tears in his eyes.

"I don't think they'll mind," Sen said. "Do we?"

So, they spent the next two hours placing their photos on the poinsettia and ornament covered pages. When they were done, they closed the book, setting it on the couch beside them.

Sen snuggled up to Tag, and they stared at the fire.

"We should move," Sen said.

"Why?"

"I want us to have a bedroom a and a home together."

"What the fuck do we have now?"

"You're in the guest room."

"So?"

"You're not a guest," Sen said. He kissed him, slow and sweet. "And sleeping in the master would be too...weird."

"Okay," Tag said, smiling. "So where would you want to move?"

'Well, Wataka has some nice little places."

"Wataka is a shit, one-blink town."

"It's close to the Massachusetts state line."

Tag grinned, and they kissed again. They sat for a while, then Tag grabbed the remote.

"All My Children is on," he explained.

They sat there, watching the fire and Erica Cain. On a commercial break, Tag reached over and opened the album to the middle page. Angela and his parents stared back at him. He placed the book next to him so that it was facing the fireplace and the television. He leaned back into Sen, and they kissed again, not noticing when the break ended.

They broke apart and turned back to the front of the room. Tag put one arm around Sen and the other on top of the album.

"You know," Sen said, looking at Tag, "I always wondered if it was possible to love anyone else as much as I love Angie."

"And?" Tag said.

"And now I know," he said.

*****