April Fool

This is something that started at Christmas, well in reality is started April the year before when Ruby took her last breath at the age of ninety-one. Ruby and her husband Terry at twenty-nine years her junior had four children. Well I suppose in many ways this story started forty-seven years earlier in 1976 when Jeffery and Elizabeth both died in a car collision. Keep up, it's getting there.

Elizabeth was a single parent mother driving her far from healthy ancient Austin 1100 at seventy miles per hour on the M2 motorway on a nice clear day with a dry road and suddenly the car jerked violently to the right into the side of another car then spun round over to the left under a lorry in the exit slip road. The ensuing catastrophe resulted in a road closure for over four hours and seventeen vehicles in a horrific tangle of scrap metal. Out of the twenty-four people in the vehicles eighteen simply got out with only minor cuts and bruises, six were trapped and two of those were extracted by members of the public, both had broken bones. The other four had to be extracted by the emergency services, three were seriously injured, Elizabeth was pronounced dead at the scene. A total of nine were taken to hospital: four released that day, Jeffery died that day, two released the following day and the remaining two were there for weeks.

The investigation established a drive shaft joint had failed in Elizabeth's car and the drive shaft worked like a vaulting pole against the road.

Two days after the devastation Ruby at the age of forty-four sat in the very plush waiting room with with her only daughter, Anne twenty-one, and a very shaken and nervous looking Terry, Ruby to identify Jeffery, her Husbands, body and Terry, that will be me, to Identify my mother Elizabeth's Body.

There was an awful lot of crying and if I'm honest the details of that day, of that several weeks are not clear, more than that the only single thing I truly remember is the way ruby and Anne stood there balling their eyes out and in their grief opened their arms to take me in to their huddle.

I had hardly any clue about looking after myself, sure I bathed okay and wouldn't starve; Mum had held down a reasonable job and usually got home after me so I'd often have dinner ready for her and I did okay at a bit of cleaning. However looking after a home was a different ball game and where does money come from to pay for food and rent etcetera?

Next thing that happened, and I still don't know the details of just how it happened, I moved in with Ruby and Anne and I'd told them I was expecting to leave school three months later.

I was born in 1960 I was a real nerd and so far advanced in my education I skipped second year of senior school and then fourth to take my O levels two years early, so while those my age were preparing for their O levels I was in upper sixth and preparing for my A levels.

I rather liked my new home and the arrangements of living with two attractive ladies, I seemed to be getting on particularly well with Anne and could easily imagine us becoming an item as they say these days. However the interest wasn't reciprocal.

Ruby rather liked a drink and over six months the drinking increased steadily every evening, nearly always wine with dinner and a bit more afterwards so by mid evening she would be happy, not drunk but I'll describe it as loose tongued so I heard all about Jeffery and the times they'd enjoyed together in more detail than a teen ought to hear.

I was rather surprised he was a lot older than her, fifty-two when Anne was born which made the age gap twenty-nine years. The significance of the age gap didn't go unnoticed by either of us and she made some dramatic statement about sugar daddies and toy-boys on more than one occasion. One evening she was maybe a little more under the influence than usual and made the comment about sugar daddies and toy boys in a much more defined way than previous times and she sat with me rather more intimately than had normally been the case and eventually kissed which turned very intimate and suddenly stopped and she left the room.

I heard her mumbling something about being silly, in fact I think I heard talking and Anne seemed to be giving her permission to do something. I only heard part of the conversation but adding two and two and two together I came up with five and a quarter, it must have been half an hour later Anne went to see her boyfriend and Ruby Returned. I was in the middle of watching a quiz program on television and she sat down beside me wearing less than I thought she had on before, I was convinced that she's had a jumper on earlier and now she was just wearing a white blouse which although not see through I could just about make out that the lack of the bra allowed the dark patches of her areola to show through to be discernible

I can't remember what the question was on the quiz programme and bearing in mind this was 1976 where everything on television was very controlled, not controlled as such but spoken words were very carefully chosen to not be offensive. There was some question about relationships something like your grandfather's mothers sister would be what relationship to you.

Ruby asked; "Do you see me as a mother?"

I truthfully answered "No."

"Do you see me as a lover?"

I couldn't answer that question because as a teenager with the raging hormones that were charging around my body, every woman, and I mean every woman, was seen as a potential lover.

The discussion if we could call it a discussion we were having was enough to set off my second brain to raising the point, Ruby very quickly noticed and this virgin stood no chance. She turned towards me and smothered my mouth for a big wet sloppy kiss and did something that I had never ever even dreamt of, she forced her tongue between my lips. Initially taken so unaware that I didn't really like what was happening, however I soon joined in, and really joined in when I realised how strangely lovely tongue wrestling was.

Then... then a hand held of the back of one of mine to position it firmly on her substantial round soft breast, I had dreamt in no uncertain terms of handling the mysterious orbs of flesh that fifty percent of the population proudly carry on their chests, it was soft, it was comfortable, it was like a switch was flicked and I suddenly had the holy grail permission to all those pent up ideas in my brain, to do something with a woman started happening. I half pushed her away so that I could undo the buttons on her blouse, pulled the tails from her skirt and slipped it off her shoulders to reveal for the first time in all their naked glory a real pair of breasts for me to play with, I didn't really know what to do with them but kneading them and stroking them was doing wonders for my self-esteem and my erection and my confidence was now boosted.

Finding the button on her skirt waistband and pulling on the zip soon had the wrap of cloth completely undone and falling on the floor to reveal the almost black patch of hair in that area that was also always very carefully not visible in the porn magazines of the era. That which I had been unable to see in every well thumbed and sticky paged mucky mag suddenly came into view, there it was in real life and sliding my hand down to comb the hair with my fingers and moving further down I found nothing I was used to putting my hand between my legs and finding a bag of balls and a handle to play with, suddenly there is nothing which came as a bit of a surprise, it was not what I expected to feel but I must have been doing something right even though I didn't know what I was doing as Ruby's actions started to become quite animated and bending her body into some sort of position whereby what I was doing, whatever I was doing, was being done in the right place.

Again I didn't know what I was doing or even what to do, then I saw and felt one of her breasts being lifted into place against my mouth so I so I licked, I just licked the breast and then feeling part of it get hard and form a lump and then felt that being positioned between my lips, it seemed the right thing to do was to suck. Ruby's actions confirmed that I was doing the right thing and the actions against my hand increased until she was jerking quite heavily squashing my hand against my hip and continuing to jerk in some quite frenzied movements with various noises of hopefully happy noises coming from her mouth.

The actions got harder, the noises got louder and I filled my pants, the first time I'd cum without my five fingered friends involvement.

Wow my breathing was heavy and laboured, Ruby's breathing almost sounded asthmatic as we started on the downward spiral to normality.

My first sexual experience with a partner wasn't quite as I may have expected but...

The following day there was a strange sort of silence between us, more like a hesitation until Ruby took hold of me, she placed her hand on my shoulders and pulled us fairly close them tipped my head forwards until our foreheads touched; "Look... It's like this... erm... I'm sorry Terry, last night shouldn't have happened... okay?"

"Yes I'm okay thanks Ruby." And that was the end of it...

Except... There was this little something there, there always seemed to be little touches, greeting hugs and kisses seemed to mean that little bit extra.

The wedding took place in the local church on November tenth 1976, it had been planned for fourteen months and everything was in place except the brides father. Jeffery had lost his life on the motorway and discussions centred around other relatives. Uncle Johaan being the most likely but somewhere in the distant past there had been one of those silly family rows and I think it may have been an issue with his wife rather than him. Anyway the crux of this is about ten days after my sexual awakening experience Anne gave me a lovely hug and asked me to give her away, and so it was.

Suddenly I seemed to be right in the thick of it, one of Jeffreys suits, the suit that he was going to wear for the occasion and I were taken to this little back street run down property where I was measured, I put the suit on and handfuls of cloth were gathered and marked with chalk and a number of pins inserted, it looked like a couple of kids had had drawn all over it and looked a mess. A few days later we returned and I tried on what I could only describe as a bunch of rags, more chalk marks, a few stitches removed and more pins applied and several more days later almost the same thing happened except it looked a bit more like a suit, then another few days and it looked quite dapper. Anne came with me on that occasion and simply said; "No." and started looking through the shelves of fabric.

I joined her and quietly asked what was happening.

"I know it looks completely different but that was Dads and as much as... well it will remind me..."

Standing there in what I'd probably describe as the shop front I stripped down to the shirt and underpants. "I like this Anne."

The little foreign man promptly pulled the roll from the shelf and showed a couple of feet of it. I saw it; "Oh perhaps not." the man gently shook his head as he re-rolled it.

I pointed to another and again he shook his head and pulled a different roll; "Thiiis one?"

"The bridesmaids are in pale blue."

"Ah... Thiiis one, or thiiis?" he opened a book of designs; "Thiiis, thiiis design."

I saw it and loved it, Anne wrinkled her nose and started turning pages; "Terry?" I nodded.

"Thiiis summer." his hand was flat on the book then turned pages to a very similar design; "Thiiis vinter." He ran his hand over the cloth then tapped the book; "Vinter, vinter. Both vinter."

Anne smiled. The man headed to much lighter fabrics and pulled several pale blue rolls for the lining.

"That one please."

"I make thiiis," he tapped the blue cloth, "here and here, here, here. Yes?" He pointed to several parts of the jacket.

I thought what he seemed to be suggesting was wrong, Anne looked doubtful too.

"I make for vedding, yes?... after I take off, yes?" Again he pointed at the suggested positions; "I make, you not like..." he did a snappy horizontal chop action with his hand; "I take." with a repeat of the hand action.

I wasn't sure but Anne nodded; "Yes."

After a little more chat in his broken English we left. "Are you sure about that Anne?"

"No not really but he is very good."

"So what happens about the other suit?"

"Err... I..."

"I thought it looks okay."

"Would you like it then?"

"It seems a waste after the effort he's..."

Anne turned and I followed, back in the shop the man appeared. "Mister Schwartz, We'd like you to finish the grey suit too please." A relieved smile appeared on his face."

"Off course, danke."

I had to work on the speech I was expected to do and had no idea, however the best man spent a few hours with me and with some input from Ruby I ended up with a quarter hour speech which I practised repeatedly until the big day.

Returning home after all of the trauma of hairdressers, make-up, dress fitting, getting the big white merengue in and out of the car. A little question here; How was I supposed to walk down the aisle without treading on the dress?' the ceremony, the speeches, dancing. Yes returning home the house suddenly felt very big, very empty even though we had hardly seen Anne for weeks or months and suddenly it was just two of us.

That night Ruby cried and I admit there may have been some moisture in my eyes too. "I need a hug tonight Terry."

"Yeah, I think me too."

"I love this suit on you."

"Mm Anne persuaded me."

The hug, the big hug, turned into a very slow music less dance and continued right into the bed and that led to me losing my cherry. Oh boy it felt good, I had no idea the feeling of being totally immersed, to be so in tune with another to trust them with your internal soul. I never slept alone again for forty-seven years.

August thirtieth 1978 was a funny day, it started out so normally but Ruby felt tired so I made breakfast and then she was sick, she started hurting, she was in pain, so much pain, so I called for an ambulance, we were rushed into hospital and I had to wait in the waiting room, I waited for hours and hours. Every so often someone would come and speak, bring yet another coffee or another tasteless sandwich, give me an update and then; "Everything has gone really well, we'll be ready for you in about five minutes."

She returned a few minutes later and smiled, I followed her back into the room to see Ruby feeding our baby girl Alice. I shivered at the absolutely beautiful scene before me. A scene that I never tired of seeing with Ben, Christina and apparently it is very unusual to give birth naturally at a year short of a golden jubilee but proudly Ruby introduced me to David.

On Davids eighteenth birthday, Alice introduced Ruby and I to her baby Ethan, our first grandson and over the following seven years we were introduced to another eight grandchildren by all four of our children, our Christmas Day had grown into a feeding of the five thousand scale event but Christmas Day was our day, our day when the whole family collected together, yes we were crammed in like sardines in a can of oil but we were a family, a proper family full of love.

Late April 2023 was a dark day, after five months of struggling and pain my wife, my Ruby slipped gently from this mortal coil. After the struggle with our loss, life gradually slipped into a new routine, we tried to maintain the old ways but too many things just hadn't workout right in recent years. For a start Covid lockdowns had prevented so many of our usual meetings, All of the hundreds of birthdays and anniversaries slipped by in a Face time or Zoom meeting, Christmas 2020 simply didn't happen. One thing I did insist on was our Christmas when permitted and the family rallied round as always.

Halloween 2023 was a funny day, everyone was getting ready for the festivities and trick or treat but Hanna had different ideas. At the age of sixty-three I became a great grandfather and the deja vu of seeing Hanna feeding Marianna via a face time call was every bit as beautiful as seeing Ruby with Alice all of those forty-five years before. It brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye as we watched and chatted. The scene was repeated only two weeks later with Edith feeding Fredrick but this time my first view was live in hospital.

Christmas 2023 we were pretty much back to normal, late on Christmas day we had bodies all over the place sleeping off their excess food and drink, the last three awake and attempting to tidy the place around the snoring masses at one in the morning being; Anne who is always described as my stepdaughter despite being older than me, Alice's daughter Julia at twenty-three and yours truly.

"Okay girls, that's enough for now, I'm having a decaff tea before bed assuming I have a bed tonight. Anyone else?"

"Please." They both answered in unison.

We sat at the kitchen table waiting for the kettle to do its thing.

"Thanks for Christmas again Granddad. I don't know how you manage it."

"Practice my love, practice."

"So how are you coping without Nan?

"Hmm." I filled mugs with hot water. "It's not easy love."

"Tell me Gee Dee."

"Hah that." Over the years I've always been Daddy then Dad as they got older, followed by Granddaddy then Granddad but some of them developed this sibling language which consisted mostly of initials or abbreviated corrupted words. As an example when doing some wallpapering the paste became gunge then gungy which developed into gungee and the brush became brug then bruggy so 'gungee bruggy' it has been ever since apart from a period when it became the initials 'gee bee'. Similarly Granddad at the time could have been Gee Dee; "It must have been fifteen years since I last heard that one."

"Well tell me then."

We chatted and when the tea had finished I broke out the port and the three of us drank the best part of a bottle between us. It occurred to me this must have been the first time I'd opened up the story of my life in so much detail to anybody other than Ruby. By the time we were ready for bed it was a question of hunt the space, the three of us stripped down to underwear; Anne wearing apple catchers and a strappy vest thing, Julia wearing a couple of bits of string and I climbed into my marital bed beside my grandson Robert.

Four hours later the noises started as the slumbering mass started rising with their various headaches and Boxing day was on the go. Somehow it seemed very strange that apart from Anne and myself the age groups present were early forties, early twenties and two months, four very distinct blocks so the breakfast preparations included wildly different choices including: porridge, differing combinations of fried breakfast, cereals, toast, croissants, just tea or coffee and Hanna sat there completely topless dispensing booby stew to Marianna and by arrangement to her nephew Fredrick as Edith had chosen to drink.

It took until eleven before all of breakfast was finished and lunches started again at one. Yes it was hectic, yes it was chaos, yes it was my family and I loved everyone of them, every frigging minute of it and food started again six hours later. By then about half of the clan had left.

By ten we were down to three, the same three; Anne, Julia and myself and over a couple of drinks before finding three beds we had another long talk which seemed to centre around our love life or lack of it, Divorced Anne, widowed Terry and single Julia. What a sorry trio we made, the maudlin three as we downed whatever remained in the bottom of the various bottles.

I was in bed by midnight and flaked out for the count, a couple of trips to the bathroom during the night and the third visit was way after nine the following morning to the smell of fried food.