Blood from a Turnip: Is Cheat Back?

Reynolds' face was so flushed I thought he was going to stroke out as he screamed at the Metro Courtroom Officer. "ARREST THEM! ARREST THEM ALL!"

"Um.. your Honor.." The Metro Courtroom Officer stuttered.

The Fed looked kindly at the old Metro Courtroom Officer. "Officer, please don't move, or you will also be charged and taken into custody."

When the Marshalls reached Reynolds, he was standing up on his chair, bare sandaled feet showing under his black robes and spittle flying from his face as he yelled. 'This is my court! You are all in Contempt! All of you! All of you will not escape detention!"

While the rest of the courtroom sat stunned, I wanted to jump up and lead a cheer. Suddenly both old oak doors in the back of the Courtroom opened, and it looked as if every Judge in the County rolled in like a black robed tide.

++++

We had been given the bums rush out that morning. The next day found us in the same seats, same room. The only difference was Lisa had joined us, and a young blond female, who looked like she could be my son's high school classmate was in a black robe on the dais.

I had a bit of a hangover, as yesterday an impromptu celebration had broken out in a bar across the street from the courthouse. Most of the attorneys were buying rounds of drinks, with Court Clerks, Cops and Attorneys all trying to outdo each other with the most outrageous Judge Reynolds' stories.

My head was still pounding when Vince leaned in, speaking in a low voice so both Lisa and I could hear him. "One of the court clerks in the cafeteria said they had to yank this judge out of Traffic Court to handle the Family Court. Seems Family Court is the proctology of courtrooms for a judge. No wonder no judge ever tried to bounce Judge Reynolds out of his throne."

"Traffic Court?" Lisa asked looking at the young judge "She does not look old enough to have a driver's license."

The blond female judge tapped the gavel calling the room to order and addressed the people in the room. "Judge Reynolds retired yesterday after a long and distinguished career on the bench." A titter of laughter swept the courtroom. The young Judge grinned to acknowledge the obvious. "I will be presiding over the case where he left off."

We sat fidgeting as Anna and Wallace's lawyers huddled with the Judge at the dais out of earshot. As they stepped back to their respective benches I thought "Let the games begin."

The Judge looked at both parties before speaking. "As always it comes down to money." She shuffled some papers in front of her. "I see you both have about equal amounts in the your retirement accounts after a withdrawal last year by the husband.."

Wallace's Lawyer offered. "That was to starve off a house foreclosure by my client after he was laid off last year your Honor."

The Judge nodded without looking up. "As the two salaries are about equal and not much is left in the bank accounts, there will not be alimony on either side." She looked at Anna. "I understand you claim your husband is hiding funds?"

Anna's attorney stood up. "Yes, your Honor. The husband completed a lucrative contact with the US government some months ago. That money should be part of the marital assets."

"That is not true, your Honor." Wallace's attorney countered. "My clients was subcontracted by a foreign company who required him to open a bank account in that country for funds to be deposited on the completion of his contract."

The young judge made a hand motion for the attorney to speed it up.

Wallace's lawyer handed some papers to the Bailiff to give to the Judge.

"As you can see current law does not count income earned outside the country as taxable or reportable until brought to these shores."

The Judge furrowed her brow. "I thought that was only for corporations?"

"Yes, your Honor, that is true. As you can see my client has a corporation in the same country as his contact required."

Anna's attorney jumped up. "Your Honor! This is an obvious attempt by the husband to keep funds due my client, not to mention the tax man."

Wallace's attorney shook his head. "Not at all, your Honor. My clients has every intention of paying his fair share of tax. As far as keeping money out of this country? My client is just following in the business practice of U.S. companies such as Microsoft, Apple, Google, Boeing, and General Electric, each whom last year had over $10 Billion overseas they have not brought into this country nor paid U.S. tax on."

"No wonder everyone hates the IRS." The blond Judge muttered.

The lawyer for Wallace answered. "Actually, it is the Congress who makes the tax laws. However, my client's soon to be estranged spouse is free to file for compensation in the same country as the accounts reside in."

To me the judge looked skeptical as she shuffled papers in front of her.

Wallace's attorney must have had the same thoughts as he added. "This is not uncommon, your Honor. The most visible case in recent times was GE Exec Jack Welch. It was ruled any funds Mr. Welsh had in GE not yet brought to the US for taxation were not part of the couple assets that could be disbursed by the US court system."

Anna stood up. "That money was to go to pay off the bank for our house!" she cried. "This is not FAIR!"

The Judge just shrugged. "Please ask your client to sit down." Then she addressed Anna. "If you feel the tax law is unfair you can always write your Congressman."

The Judged looked at her notes. "This brings us to the next issue, the house. I see notice from the bank that they are starting foreclosure proceedings. While sad, this makes it an easy call. If and when the bank seizes your property, each party will share equally in the financial and tax consequences of that action."

Removing her classes the young Judge rubbed her nose before speaking. "Now the last issue, which is child custody. I see the minor son is living with his father outside the house."

"Yes, Your Honor." Wallace's lawyer said standing up. "He shares a room with two of his classmates in a stable household that includes two other estranged fathers, one which is his High School Coach."

"Sounds like a real boys club," the judge commented.

The attorney pointed to Lisa. "Well your Honor, one of the boys' mother provides domestic service and does the cooking to make sure a females touch is present."

The Judge looked at Lisa and nodded. "It's good to see an older mature lady in that man cave to provide a stable women's influence."

Lisa forced a smile, but hissed under her breath. "Who does Miss Teenage Perky Tits think she is to be calling me old?"

The Judge looked at Anna and held up some papers. Your spouse has cited adultery as the catalyst for the dissolution of your relationship, and provided documentation, which you have not contested. While this is not an overriding factor, I would be lying if I did not take this into consideration when ruling on child custody."

The Judge now turned toward Wallace. "The state guidelines are very much in favor of the mother getting physical custody, as well as being the custodial parent with the father given liberal visitation rights."

I saw Wallace slump down in his chair as she continued. "Also the fact you may leave again for work, a task that keeps you out of communication for an undetermined time, makes me look in favor of following the state recommendations."

My body started to tense. I just knew the big screw was coming to Wallace.

Suddenly a man who was short, overweight and balding sitting near the courtroom doors stood up. "YOUR HONOR! I am sorry to disturb the court, but may I have a moment to speak with you? It concerns this matter."

The Judge looked out at the portly gentlemen in an ill-fitting suitcoat and tie. "You are not with the Federal Government too, are you?"

A wave of laughter swept the courtroom. The heavyset man joined in, chuckling. "No sir..ma'am ..I mean your Honor."

Shaking her head, the Judged waved her arm. "Come on down, even with this circus, I doubt you can upstage yesterday's fireworks."

As the man waddled down the aisle he made eye contact with Vince. They both nodded curtly to each other. I looked at Lisa who also had a puzzled look on her face.

When he reached the bench there was a flurry of papers being passed around. You could see the look of surprise on everyone's faces.

The big man in ill-fitting clothes started speaking. "As you can see your Honor, any concerns about the custody of the minor in question is no longer relevant. The young man has been declared an emancipated minor by the courts. Thus he has all the rights and responsibilities due any adult. With the exception of voting and drinking, their son can now own property, has to pay taxes and is no longer their legal obligation. He can choose to live with either parent or neither parent.

The Judge looked at both Anna and Wallace. "Why is this only being brought up now?"

Again the big man answered. "Neither of these parties were involved in the filing, your Honor. I just got the ruling this morning. It has been going through the system for some time, but as your Honor understands, our legal system is not known for its speed and efficiency."

"I guess we are done here." The Judge tapped her gavel. "Get a copy of your court papers from the clerk, an official copy will be mailed to you. Next case please."

Both Lisa and I were looking at Vince who had cat-that-ate-the-canary look on his face.

"What?" Vince said, "Carlos and I can't shoot for the moon? Even if we missed we'd still be among the stars."

I shook my head. "Or reenter the earth's atmosphere and die a fiery death in a crash upon reentry."

++++

Even before the courtroom proceedings of Anna and Wallace, it seemed like Wallace and his son Carlos had always been in the house. Wallace's financial contribution to the household we passed onto Lisa, but she always ended up buying something for the house or the boys. We had to force her to purchase something just for herself.

Carlos and the two boys were thick as thieves. Lisa put up with the antics that are common when the number of teenage boys exceeds one, and she never seemed to get flustered. That is why I was surprised at how upset she was a week after the finalization of Wallace's divorce.

"Tommy, the police were here today," Lisa said.

"I bet I can guess why," I replied.

"This is not funny Tommy. Why did you file a complaint against Randy?"

"Lisa, no man assaults me in my house and just walks away."

"Dammit Tommy, you know darn well Randy got his ass chewed, literally. You did not even get your hair messed up."

I gave Lisa a look. "Are you defending that asshole?"

Lisa got a shocked expression on her face. "God no! But I just do not want any connection to him, or he to this household. After my interview Metro Police told me they are issuing a warrant for Randy's arrest."

"Well, someone who commits assault should be arrested, Lisa."

"Do you think that was a wise decision Tommy?"

"Lisa listen, if Randy weren't as dumb as dirt, he'd still cover about an acre."

Lisa was not amused. "Please Tommy, I'm just concerned something will happen. It's not as if we have a lot of firearms and a backhoe."

++++

Days later, I was picking up the kicking tee after Junior Varsity football practice. 'JV' is for high school freshmen and sophomores to get experience before future years on the Varsity football squad, or juniors who did not have the size or skill to make the varsity team. The JV coaching position was a voluntary spot, not very glamorous, and the program got the hand-me-down equipment and used gear the Varsity squad could spare. School budget cuts had made me sometimes dig into my own. However, I felt this was a small price to pay for being involved in my son's and nephew's sporting activities.

I was so concerned with my task I did not notice the man's presence until I heard the sound of cracking knuckles. To say I was surprised to see the hulking figure of Randy in front of me would be an understatement.

"Time for payback, you little asshole." Randy said swinging his arms. "I gotta leave town because of your bitch squealing."

I looked around. The locker room was on the other side of the field, and Randy was between me and the locker room.

Randy saw my glances. "Nowhere to run you little pussy, and no fucking devil dogs to save your punk ass this time. You going to take this beating all by yourself finally."

He lunged at me, moving fast for a man of his bulk. Fortunately I had on cleats, and was able to dodge Randy's grasp as he slipped on the turf.

I sprinted for the nearest sideline with Randy in pursuit. Reaching a jumble of equipment I could hear his labored breathing behind me as I dug frantically into a large mesh bag.

Now professional NFL quarterbacks can throw a football at speeds that get up into the 50 MPH range. I was certainly no NFL quarterback, but I did have a strong arm that could wing a hell of a spiral.

The first football I threw caught Randy dead square in the face. As he raised his hands to shelter his bloody nose, I fired off a salvo at his groin and then any other body parts of opportunity.

Randy may have been dumb, but he was tough. I was soon out of footballs, but Randy shook his head and got up from the ground. "That you best you got, mini prick?" and he lunged at me again, his arms outstretched.

"AHHHHH!" Randy screamed in pain grabbing his hand.

Years ago, one of my teams had given me the gift of an 'old school' whistle. This was not some shiny plastic noisemaker, but a heavy hunk of polished chromed steel with a long sturdy real leather strap. This hefty relic could be heard clear across three football fields. I twirled the dense whistle on its strap in a spinning arc and brought the projectile smashing down onto Randy's other hand.

Keeping out of reach, I danced around Randy pummeling him with the whistle. But he had a thick layer of fat over his muscle. Even my best shots seemed to only emit a grunt when they struck him. I admit my aim was not the best and I was unable to strike bone like with the first two hand hits.

Randy covered his head with his arms and charged me. Backing up, my cleats got tangled in the mesh ball bag. I fell to the ground with Randy atop me. My head and arm hit the edge of a bench. I heard a 'crack' and everything went dark.

++++

I opened my eyes and saw my nephew's face inches from my face filling my vision.

"Hey Frankie! Your Dad's awake!" he shouted in my ear.

I spied my son sprawled out in a hospital chair eating a pudding cup. I looked around and saw a standard issue hospital room, noting various monitors hooked up to my body. Also, a white cast was on my left arm.

A hospital food tray was on a moveable dolly. The remains of a mystery meat were still on the plate, but everything else was gone.

"Um, hi Dad." Frankie said, putting the spoon back into the empty pudding cup. "How are you feeling?" He looked at his cousin then at the empty food tray. "We, ah figured you would not feel like eating when you woke up."

My nephew gave a guilty nod. "Yeah Uncle Tommy, they were gonna throw the food away. Me and Frankie didn't want it to go to waste."

I could only shake my head. Teenagers are a bottomless pit when it comes to food. "That's fine boys. You guys still hungry?" A redundant questions; teen boys are always hungry.

Both boys shook their heads. I looked at Frankie. "How did I get here?" I lifted my plaster wing. "What happened?"

My nephew opened the Ipad he and Frankie had pooled their summer lawn mowing money to purchase. "Frankie saw you fighting that Godzilla and ran into the locker room to get reinforcements."

He fussed with some settings, "Let me show you." He slid some of the display's windows around. "The AV teacher helped me transfer some of the security camera tape to my Ipad."

The screen showed a wide shot of the football field. You could make out when about at the same time Randy took me down, the double doors to the locker room flew open. Two dozen youths came running out, sprinting toward Randy and me. Some of the boys were still in practice uniforms and helmets, other were shirtless, a few only clad in jockstraps or shorts.

Frankie bounded onto the side of the bed. "It was AWESOME Dad! You can't hear the sound, but we were all yelling 'FALCONS!' and 'COACH TOMMY!', at the top of our lungs."

I could not hear any audio, but Randy must have heard it, as on screen he jumped off of my prone figure and tried to run away.

The mob of teens closed the gap in an instant. You ever see on National Geographic were a bunch of cheetahs take down a water buffalo on the African plains? This video was similar, but without the editing.

JV team co-captains Rodriguez and Washington reached Randy first. I felt a source of pride as they took Randy down just as they had been taught to tackle a bigger opponent. Rodriguez went low, cutting Randy off below the knees; Washington hit Randy higher, barreling full bore into Randy's solar plexus.

Even without the audio, you could almost feel a concussion from the bone crushing double hit. If Randy had been holding a football, this would have been a fumble for sure.

The rest of the team piled on. Several pulled off their helmets and started beating what you could see of Randy under the mass of football players. It was a real true team effort.

"Oh My God!" I said, shocked at the action on the screen.

"Wait" exclaimed Frankie, pointing at the Ipad. "That's not all. There's more!"

Suddenly onscreen a bunch of Minivans and SUVs appeared as they came roaring across the parking lot and drove right up to the scrum, not even stopping as they slammed through the chain link fence. From the lead minivan out popped Mrs. Rodriguez. A Hispanic female who can most charitably be described as 4x4. Mrs. Rodriguez was swinging her purse like Thor's hammer, a purse I know weighted a metric ton, as she waded into the fray.

Right behind her bailing out of an SUV was Mrs. Washington, an Amazon sized black lady, who put the 'B' in BBW. Ms. Washington was not fooling around and wielded a tire iron like she knew how to use it. I recognized some of the other ladies as they jumped out of various vehicles and piled into the fracas.

The screen froze, my nephew closing the protective cover on their Ipad. "That's all we got." He looked at Frankie. "I told you we should have gotten more memory."

Addressing me again he said. "You just missed when the cops came. Uncle Tommy. They ruined everything."

"Yeah Dad. " Frankie chimed in and then repeated one of their video game phrases. "But not before we kicked his ass and took his gas."

My nephew showed me a bump on the back of his head. "Mrs. Rodriguez whacked me with that big ole purse of hers. She said it was an accident, but I think she is still mad about me playing linebacker and her son having to settle for the safety position."

Lisa appeared at the door. "Okay boys, get out of here." She pointed at me. "The patient needs his rest. You guys go wait in the lobby, Vince will take you home."

After a chorus of protest the teens sullenly walked out of the room.

Lisa had a bag with some clothes she threw onto the bed. Holding up a folder she said, "Docs signed off on you going home. A nurse is going to get you unhooked and transport is on the way with a wheelchair to bring you down. You have a clean break, but the cast is going to be on between six and eight weeks. You got to keep it dry."

Swinging my legs over the bed I quizzed Lisa. "Don't they wanna keep me for observation or anything?"

Lisa shook her head. "Nope. I guess your insurance is not THAT good." She reached into her purse. "They said to keep an eye on you, and come back if you don't behave normally. Since you never behave normally, it's going to be hard to tell."