Blue Christmas

I let her cry for a moment, then I turned her face to mine. "We do what we've always done. We do good where we can, we help where we can, and we love each other. How it all adds up in the end isn't our problem."

Ellen thought about that, and I wondered if I'd said something stupid again. Then she looked at me. "I think that's the smartest thing you've ever said."

I shook my head and smiled at her. "Nope."

She grinned back at me. "Okay, Smarty, what was the smartest thing you ever said?"

"I love you."

We didn't talk for quite a while after that. Other things to do, you know. As we dropped off to sleep, Ellen muttered something that proved to be the seed of later trouble. "How can she love him like that? How?"

Sue rented out their house and moved in with Joyce for the duration, so she didn't have to live by herself. It also gave her a nice little income, and she was actually putting money away. I hoped that meant that she was getting used to living independently and might think of divorce. Hey, you gotta have hope, right?

Ellen and I weren't exactly go out and get rowdy types, but we liked the occasional night out for dinner, drinks, and dancing. We brought Sue along as often as we could, because from what Joyce said, that was all the social life she had except for visiting Dickwad Dave in the slammer. Sue was, I guess you'd say, aggressively faithful. She almost never danced with anyone but me, and that was at Ellen's urging. She never danced a slow dance with anyone, and shot down any guy who even tried to get to know her. I asked her if she was having a good time or would rather be somewhere else, and she'd smile and say she was fine.

"Joe, I know you're worried about me. You've been my big brother forever, and I know you love me and want what's best for me. You want me to be happy. It's sweet and I appreciate it, but really, you don't need to worry about me. I'm fine."

Ellen spent more and more of her spare time with Sue. The idea was to gently work her around to see the truth about her jailbird husband. Ellen wouldn't tell me what they talked about, which bothered me, but she often came home discouraged to tears. When your wife is crying because she feels she's lost her sister, you don't say, 'oh, by the way, I wish you were home more often.' I didn't, anyway. I would ask her if there was anything me and my size thirteens could do, and she'd smile and say no, not yet.

David had been inside for about five years, and I was still just as happy about that as the day they'd sent him away. The world was a better place for every day he wasn't out running around in it. I wasn't so happy that because of Sue, he was starting to be a problem between Ellen and me. She still didn't think she could tell me everything that went on at Joyce and Sue's, and that bothered both of us. When he came up in conversation and I would say something nasty about him, she wouldn't top it with something even worse, like she used to. One evening she'd come back from visiting Sue and Joyce and said Sue was pretty down because a parole hearing David thought would happen didn't. I tried to cheer her up.

"At least if he's cheating on her now, it's with somebody named Bubba." I didn't have to fake a grin as I imagined it.

"That's not helping," Ellen snapped at me.

"Wait, what? You think Sue would be happier if Dickwad were out where he could cheat on her some more?"

"No, not that, but..." she got this faraway look in her eye.

"But what? Next thing I know, you'll be telling me it's a good thing she married him."

"No, but I think I'm starting to see him a little bit differently. Through her eyes, maybe. She does love him, you know."

"Well, her eyes don't know he cheated on her, right? And if the once I saw was the only time, then I'm the man in the moon. Have you forgotten that couple whose life savings he stole?"

"N-no, I haven't."

"Maybe you should be looking at Dickwad through Ellen's eyes, not Sue's."

"Joe, she's my sister. Our sister. You know you love her as much as I do. I have to try to understand."

"Yeah, but we've always known her head wasn't screwed on straight when it came to guys." I went on before she could say anything. "Look, if she says the world's flat, I may try to understand why she says it, but I'm sure not going to believe it. You see?"

"I don't think it's that simple, Joe." We left it at that.

One hot afternoon I came home from work especially tired and sweaty. I couldn't wait for my nice cool shower, then some relaxing with my best friend. Ellen met me at the door with worry on her face instead of her usual welcome-home smile. She was wearing a dress, too.

"We're going over to Mom's for dinner," she informed me. "I'm sorry I didn't call and let you know, but I only found out a half hour ago. Go ahead and shower. Take all the time you want; I'm finished in the bathroom. We're picking up the wine on the way there."

"Pretty short notice, isn't it?" I was very confused. We never had wine with dinner at Joyce's, except Thanksgiving and Christmas, and Joyce didn't like spur of the moment guests.

"Sue got a call this afternoon. David had his hearing, and he's getting out in two weeks."

"Oh, crap."

"Joe, I know how you feel about David, but Sue is just ecstatic, and we are family, and because we love her, we will be happy for her."

There was only one thing to say, so I said it. "Yes, dear." I turned and slunk away toward the bathroom.

"Joe?" I turned back to look at her. "You forgot something." She was smiling at me and had her arms open wide.

"Don't want to get your dress dirty," I muttered. She answered by plastering herself against me, wrapping those long, slim arms around my neck, and turning that sweet, honest face with eyes all full of love up toward me. We clung and we kissed, and I wasn't nearly as tired as I had been when I walked in the door.

"Uh, won't we be late?" Ellen never likes to be late anywhere.

"Doesn't matter." She has this way of starting something, then letting me take the lead, that makes it seem like we both had this great idea at exactly the same time. So we were back to clinging and kissing and generally obsessing over each other. Finally, she took my head in both her hands and looked me in the eye.

"Joe, you're the best man I've ever met, and I love you to pieces. You and I are a team, the best team there is, and we'll get through this together. You know that, right?"

Well, just then she could have told me that the moon was made of green cheese and I'd have believed her, but the fact was, she was right. I did know that, and I had since before we were married. I nodded, gave her a last squeeze, and headed for the shower. I turned to go in the bathroom, and she was still by the front door, gazing at me like I was I don't know what. It's that look that when that one woman gives it to you, you think you can do anything. It worked, too.

Sue was excited, all right. I've known military wives less excited about their husbands coming home from war zones than she was about hers coming home from prison, which should tell you something. She was gushing and bubbling about David this, and we'll do that, and oh she was the luckiest woman in the world. It wasn't bad enough that I was going to throw up or anything, I'm not that kind anyway, but I sure wished I could have enjoyed the food more. That catered barbecue had smelled real good until they started talking about Dickwad. Still, with Ellen holding my hand or stroking my leg when things got too bad, I made it through without doing anything Ellen would have to be ashamed of.

After dinner, Joyce brought out the wine we'd brought and poured it. When she didn't sit down but picked up her glass and asked us all to stand, I knew there'd be trouble. We were going to drink to David's well-earned freedom, she said. She went on until she noticed that my glass was still on the table, then she ground to a halt.

"Joe, please, it's just a toast," Ellen whispered. I noticed that the hand holding her glass trembled.

"I won't drink to a lie," I whispered back to her. I picked up my glass. "Here's to my sister Sue, whom all of us love so much. Health, happiness, and prosperity to you, and long life to enjoy them." Ellen's face showed her relief, Sue was smiling at me, and we all drank the toast.

It's sometimes hard for me to read my wife's facial expressions. When we got home that night was not one of those times. She looked at me like I'd just hit the winning home run in the bottom of the ninth in the World Series, and started gushing at me as soon as the door was closed.

"Joe, I'm so proud of you. I know how you felt when they were talking about David, and you just sat there and ate your dinner. I know you did it for me and for Sue, and if I could love you any more than I already do, I would, just for that. Your toasting Sue was perfect. I didn't think you had it in you to think so fast!" And on and on she went. Which was nice, of course, so I soaked it up for a while before I sat her on the sofa and brought up what came next.

"You know and I know that when Dickwad gets out, Sue and your mom are going to have a party for him. I'm telling you right now, we aren't going, and that's final."

The adoring look was gone from her face in an instant. "But Joe, ..."

"But nothing. He's a cheating scumbag who steals from the poor. I won't be social with him."

"I wouldn't expect you to, but he's family. I have to go, and I need to have you there with me."

"The fact that he's out of jail is nothing to celebrate or be happy about."

"Mom and Sue will be happy."

"Let them. They're the only ones, and they'll be just fine without us." A disturbing thought struck me. "Unless you're starting to think..."

"No, Joe, I'm not, not really, but can't you try to see him just a little bit differently? For me, and for Sue?"

"He cheats on our sister, and brags about it. He targets ordinary people, and steals everything they have. People like us, Ellen! He's the most evil person I've ever met. You used to think even worse of him than I did. What's happened? What changed, Ellen?"

She stared at the floor for a moment. "Joe, you've seen how much she loves him. We know she's not smart about men, but there has to be something about him for her to love him like that. I wonder what it is. Don't you?"

We didn't go to the party. Instead, we spent the weekend in Hawaii. Ellen had always wanted to go there, and we'd never really had the opportunity. I guess the truth was we'd never really made the opportunity. I had been a little worried that the Ghost of Dickwad would follow us, but he didn't, and we had a great time together. We assured each other we were coming back to the islands, and I decided I wasn't going to wait for opportunities to take my wife places any more, I was going to make them.

Things settled into a routine. Ellen gave up on getting Sue to see the light, and spent less and less time with her. Dickwad avoided both of us. Joyce was a little disappointed that her sons in law weren't getting along, but just about every time there was a family dinner, David begged off, so things went on pretty smoothly.

Poor Sue was never in the way of good luck very long. It wasn't even a year after David's release that Ellen told me she and Joyce were worried about Sue.

"She's not eating well at all, and she's losing weight and there's something around her waist that just doesn't look right to me. Mom and I tried to get her to go to the doctor, but she won't."

"Why doesn't her husband make her go? He's supposed to be taking care of her."

"I don't think he's noticed."

"What???" I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised, but the idea that a husband wouldn't notice something like that about his wife just didn't make any sense to me.

"Well, sometimes it just takes a woman..."

"Baloney. Remember when you had that thing on your foot, whatever it was, and you thought it was nothing, and I made you get it looked at? You remember how the doc told you how lucky you were that you caught it early? It doesn't take a woman, it just takes someone who cares."

"Don't you think it's a little much to expect David to act like you?" She had this little grin on her face.

"I know it's too much to expect him to act like a decent human being, but I thought at least... Oh, never mind."

Ellen out and out laughed. "Yes, Joe, if it had been me, you'd have had me to about a half dozen doctors already. You take such good care of me, I'm so glad I have you! But I really am worried about Sue."

"What do you think it is?" She's an RN, she would have some idea, I thought.

"I'm afraid to think about what I think it is."

"Could we get Joyce to clue Dickwad in?"

"I guess that's about our only chance. I wish you wouldn't call him that."

"I wish he wouldn't act like it, but that's not likely, is it?"

About two weeks later, Ellen told me that Sue had seen their regular doctor, and he said there was nothing wrong. I don't know medical stuff, but I do know my wife. I couldn't follow Ellen's explanation, but I knew she wasn't satisfied.

"That's all fine, Ellen, but you're not buying it. What's the matter?"

"You know me too well," she said with that quirky little smile I loved. "I don't know, Joe. I can't put my finger on it, but something's not right somewhere. They've missed something, I'm sure of it."

I thought a moment. "Do you trust this doctor?"

"Come to think of it, I don't even know who their doctor is."

I could fix that. I called Joyce and asked.

"She says it's Dr. Moosh, or Mooch, or something like that."

"Mook," corrected Ellen. "The man is an utter quack. He wouldn't know a tumor if..."

Ellen stopped. I could feel the blood leaving my face.

"No, Ellen, no." I was horrified. "She's barely thirty."

My wife said nothing, just nodded slightly as the tears came. We held each other and cried over Sue. It wasn't the first time and wouldn't be the last, but it was one of the worst.

Not to go into all the ins and outs, but Ellen and I finally got Sue in front of a qualified oncologist. She was a no-nonsense non-Anglo person with a name like Cabbage or something. She showed us pictures of the evil-looking thing inside Sue, said we should sue Dr. Moo-Quack for malpractice, and said Sue had six months to a year to live.

Dr. Cabbage knew her stuff and did everything she could, but Sue's body couldn't handle the aggressive chemo that was her only option. She loved her husband to the last, but at the end, it was Ellen and me, not him, sitting beside her, holding one of her hands in both of ours.

"Thank you for everything. I love you both. Good bye." We could barely hear her. She never spoke again, and was gone in a few hours. She hadn't even made it three months after her diagnosis.

Ellen and I were both devastated. We worked it out in different ways. She and her mom got into grief counseling at the hospital where she worked; I just threw myself into supporting Ellen and into work and tried not to think about it. It wasn't working. I missed her something fierce. Not like I would miss Ellen if she were gone, of course, but remember she'd been the little sister I should have had for most of my life.

Ellen seemed to be doing somewhat better, so I asked if the counseling was helping. She said it was, so I asked if maybe I could come, too.

"No!" She went on more softly after she saw the shock on my face.

"I'm sorry, Joe, but that really wouldn't be a good idea."

"Why not?"

"I don't think you'd get that much out of it. You'd think a lot of it was that kind of mumbo-jumbo that you can't stand. Why would you want to go, anyway?"

"Well, I... I miss her." I paused to blink back tears. "I want my little sister back. She's gone, and I don't know what to do."

Ellen was instantly sympathetic. "I'm so sorry, Joe. I know it hurts. You loved her almost as long as I did, so I know you must miss her terribly. I haven't had much time for you lately, and you've been so supportive and caring, I don't know what I'd do without you. You've been wonderful, but I completely forgot that you would be grieving, too. That stops now. We're a team; we'll get through this together."

We ended up spending Thanksgiving weekend at a cabin owned by a buddy of mine. It wasn't too far away, and it wasn't too rustic, but it was a time and place where we could hide out and grieve our loss together. When we came back home, we felt we'd turned the corner and would be okay. Ellen still went to the grief counseling sessions to help her mother, but she seemed more balanced and happy around the house, and she spent less time at her mom's.

We were talking about Christmas about a week later, and I said something about how I was looking forward to Dickwad not being there. Ellen got this funny look on her face.

"What?" I asked.

"Um, he'll be there." She must have seen my face turning purple. "Mom's already invited him, and he says he'll come."

I tried to calm down. "He's not family any more; he has no connection to any of us except bad memories. Why should he be at Christmas dinner?"

"Our counselor thinks it's something that will help Mom and me heal."

"That's a load of... horsefeathers. You know what sort of skunk he is; you know what he did to your sister. Why would spending Christmas with him help you and Joyce heal?"

"Please hear me, Joe. David has his faults, I'm not denying that. You want me to say he's not a good man? Fine, I'll say it: he's not. He doesn't measure up to you in any way, shape or form. But you know what? I can't judge men by whether they measure up to you, because nobody else I know comes close. You're still the best man I've ever met." She smiled at me and touched my hand for a moment, then went on.

"Joe, Sue loved him to distraction. She was wilder about him than I ever was about you, in spite of how much I love you. Yes, I know, she was a terrible judge of men, but there had to be something there, didn't there? For her to love him like that?" She sighed.

"Look at us, Joe. You and me. We're comfortable together, we're best friends, we're the best team ever. In the bedroom, we're perfect together, and perfect for each other. I love you to distraction. But do you ever see the excitement on my face that you saw on Sue's for him? No, don't try to tell me you do, because you don't. Don't you wonder what he had, what he did, to make her look at him like that? I do, and the only thing I can figure, is that he loved her."

"Now wait just a..."

"Let me finish. He didn't love her the way you love me. He couldn't: it's not in his nature. He wasn't protective of her, the way you and I were. It's not who he is, but in his own way, he loved her, and he misses her, and he's grieving just as we are."

"And just where did you learn this?"

"It came out during our counseling sessions."

I puzzled a moment, then the penny dropped. I exploded. "Dickwad was at the counseling sessions?" I shouted. "Whose idea was that?"

"Mom's... but mine, too."

"So you invited Dickwad, and told me I couldn't go? What, you were afraid I'd call his bullshit, or maybe break his nose like he deserves? Wait a minute, is this counselor a woman?"

"Yes, why? What does that matter?" Ellen responded defensively.

I just shook my head. Dickwad had years of practice bullshitting women, and was obviously putting it to good use. I had another thought that scared the daylights out of me.

"Wait a minute. You told me that I couldn't come to the sessions, because I'd think they were just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, and you somehow forgot to mention that Dickwad would be there? Ellen, you... you lied to me." I was hardly able to believe the words as they left my mouth.

"No, Joe, I didn't! I didn't lie to you! I never have, and never will! I know you; I know you'd have thought that it was mumbo-jumbo. It's the truth! I didn't tell you the whole truth, but I didn't lie."