Built Upon Sand

"Why haven't you met daddy?"

I glanced across at Amrah, but she was reading a book and seemed oblivious to my plight; I felt badly in need of rescue. Fortunately Toni did not wait for my answer.

"If you haven't met daddy where did you meet mummy?"

"It was...it was at the beach one day."

"This beach?"

"No, another beach; I helped your mummy put up a sun lounger."

"And you became friends?"

"Yes."

Toni got back to work and much to my relief she said nothing for a while.

Relief did not last for long.

"Do you like mummy?"

"Of course I do or I wouldn't be here building a sandcastle with you."

"If you like her why were you cross with her in the dining room?"

"I wasn't really cross, just surprised," I lied.

"You sounded cross, just like daddy. He was always cross with mummy."

"That's sad."

"Yes, he was always cross with me too."

"Why was that?"

"I don't think he liked me."

"A lovely little girl like you?"

"Yes, do you like me?"

"Yes...yes, of course I like you; you're a nice little girl. Now I think we can fill the moat with water, so go and get some in your bucket."

Toni headed for the sea and I headed for Amrah.

"Have you got any idea of the questions she's been asking me?" I asked desperately.

"No, what has she been asking?"

"About our friendship; how we met and do I know her father."

Amrah laughed and said, "Well you said you wanted to get to know her, Tony, and it seems she wants to get to know you as well."

It seemed that Amrah did not intend to be very helpful, but I thought up a little revenge. I wrote in the sand, "AMRAH VURUL."

Amrah looked at it for a moment, smiled and asked, "How did you learn my family name?"

"Your literate daughter wrote it in the sand, so you won't be able to hide from me so easily next time."

"No, that was my name before I was married, but you think I want to hide from you Tony?"

"I...I don't know...I'm not sure...you did once."

"Yes, but that was different. Did I not say that if you liked Toni and wanted to see more of her you could come to our flat when we return to the city?"

"Yes, but..."

"Still you do not trust me."

"Well it's hard after..."

"Yes it is, but when we return to the hotel I shall write my address, my telephone number and my email address for you; will that satisfy you?"

"Yes, I suppose..."

"So often you 'suppose,' Tony. If you think I am deceiving you again then the hotel has the city telephone directory, you can look up my name and see I am telling the truth; there is only one A. Vurul."

"I didn't mean to..."

"Now you are not telling the truth, Tony. You are thinking, 'If she lied to me once she will lie again,' is that not so?"

Feeling somewhat embarrassed at being read so clearly I replied, "Yes."

Toni had poured water into the moat several times as we had been talking, and now she complained, "The water goes away."

The sand, being above the tide mark, was dry, and was simply absorbing the water.

"You'll have to pour lots more in until it does fill up," I told her. She continued her water carrying.

"Have you decided whether you want to see Toni again," Amrah asked.

"Yes, I'd like to, very much."

"You think you could love her?"

"That won't be difficult, but it means you and I will see a lot of each other."

"Yes, Tony, do you find that difficult?"

I knew at that moment I was approaching a crucial question, not simply in relation to Toni, but to Amrah as well. What did I think of Amrah, what did I feel about her beyond raw sexual lust?"

I admit I prevaricated saying, "Yes and no."

"Tony, you have talked with two tongues before. I know why you are doing it and I understand, but why can you not say what is truly on your mind."

"It's not as easy as..."

"No, it is not easy for you, but it is not easy for me either. Shall I tell you what you are thinking?"

Intrigued by what she might have guessed about my thoughts I replied, "Yes, if you want to."

"You are thinking, 'I still desire her and I still have love in my heart for her, but she may not desire and have love for me. Is that not so?"

Discomfited at the way she understood me so accurately I said, "Yes, that's about right."

"You are also thinking that if we see much of each other your love and desire will grow and you will feel...feel...I do not know the word..."

"Frustrated will do."

"Ah yes, frustrated, and that is depressing and you are afraid of being depressed, yes?"

"The moat is filling up," Toni called.

"You had better go to your daughter," Amrah whispered, "we can talk later of you and me."

Chapter 8.A Foundation.

I returned to Toni and the sandcastle, and together we put the finishing touches to our work. When we finished Toni stood back surveying our creation and said, "It is a beautiful castle Doctor Essex, are you going away tomorrow?"

"No...no, I shall stay a bit longer."

"And build more sandcastles with me?"

"Yes, but we could go for walks and swim – do you like swimming?"

"Yes, mummy likes to swim as well."

"Then perhaps we can all go swimming."

"Yes; there's a place where they have dolphins and mummy is going to take me there, you could come as well."

"We'll have to ask your mummy."

Toni ran straight over to her mother crying, "Can Doctor Essex come with us to see the dolphins?"

"Of course, if he wants to," replied Amrah, smiling across at me. "I think it is lunchtime now."

There was no question now whether or not I should join them for lunch; it seemed to be taken for granted that I would. From that moment on it was accepted that I would take all my meals with them and stay with Amrah while Toni had her afternoon sleep.

"Over lunch Toni said, "Doctor Essex is not going away and he will build another sandcastle with me tomorrow."

"Darling," Amrah said, "perhaps Doctor Essex would like to do something else." She looked at me questioningly.

"Well, if it's a fine day tomorrow we could build a sandcastle and go for a swim, would you like that Toni?" I asked.

Tone said eagerly, "Yes...yes...can we swim this afternoon?"

"I think," Amrah said, "after you have had your sleep, we should go and see the dolphins and tomorrow we swim."

"I don't want to have a sleep," Toni protested.

Without really thinking and I suppose by some ghastly adult reflex, I stepped in and said, "Little girls need to have an afternoon sleep so that they grow up big, strong and beautiful."

I heard a suppressed laugh from Amrah as she said, "Come then, have your sleep now and then we shall go to see the dolphins."

As Toni raced before us to the lift Amrah said, "Already you are being the concerned daddy."

"I didn't mean to interfere, it's just..."

"No...no Tony, it is all right. It shows that you are starting to care for Toni and that is good; and did you notice that after you told her she should have a sleep she made no further argument?"

"Yes...I suppose..."

"You see Tony, her father...oh dear it is so difficult...you are her father and I meant my husband who is no longer..."

I laughed and said, "Shall we call him Mustafic in future, that way we won't get mixed up?"

"Mustafic is not his name," she said, "but yes, let us call him that and then we will not, as you say, get mixed up. What I wanted to say was, that being with a man who plays with her and likes her is good for Toni, and already she...she...what is the right word...trusts...er...respects you...I do not say it very well do I?"

"I think you say excellently, Amrah."

"Good; I am glad you like each other and that you begin to be a father, but is this from your heart, Tony?"

"Yes, it's from my heart Amrah, I'm not playing at being daddy."

We had arrived at the lift and Toni had pressed the button to take us to their floor. On arriving at their suite there were no more protests about not wanting to have her afternoon sleep.

After Toni had left us Amrah and I seemed to fall into an awkward silence until Amrah began, "I said we should talk later of you and I, is this the time?"

"Yes, but what is there to say? We seem to have covered just about everything, for the time being at least."

"I suppose we have, Tony," she said softly, "but if you intend to continue seeing Toni in the future then a time must come when we shall have to talk of you and me."

"You mean if some man comes into your life?"

"Ah, that is...how do you say it...hypothetical? Yes, hypothetical, but one day, who knows; but let us not speak of hypothetical, let us talk only of you and me now."

"Well, I thought we might continue to go out together for what's left of my stay here and then I could see something of you both when you get back to the city," I said with somewhat artificial cheerfulness.

Amrah sighed and said, "It is so sad Tony that you do not speak from your heart, but if you do not wish to talk of how we shall be then I can wait. Now I shall go and change for our visit to the dolphins, you may also wish to change."

I didn't really want to change but thought it best if I got out of Amrah's way for a while.

"What time will Toni wake up?" I asked.

"She will sleep for an hour and soon after that we will be ready, say in an hour and a half."

Saying, "I'll meet you here then," I left and went to my room.

I knew very well that one day I should have to confront my relationship with Amrah, "But not yet," I told myself.

I moped around for a while and then changed into a pair of casual slacks and shirt. When I went to collect Amrah and Toni the colour scheme had changed. Toni was wearing a little cream coloured dress and Amrah mushroom coloured slacks and shirt.

We went off to what was called "The Dolphin Park." It may have been my mood but the visit was not a great success as far as I was concerned. We watched dolphins that were in captivity leaping up to snatch food held out by their minders, and generally cavorting around the large watery enclosure. I just hated the idea of them being held captive. But then, I've never liked performing animals ever since I was taken to a circus as a child.

I got the feeling Amrah shared my thoughts about the animals and Toni was more curious than entertained. On our way back to the hotel she plied me with questions about where the dolphins came from, why they could jump so high out of the water, why she couldn't jump like that and did they have girl and boy dolphins.

Amrah seemed amused as I struggled to find answers out of my limited knowledge of dolphins.

"You see," she whispered to me, "how much you need to know when you are a father."

Chapter 9.A Bedtime Story.

It was not quite time for dinner when we arrived at the hotel so we retired to Amrah's suite for a while. I don't know whether Toni's question about boy and girl dolphins inspired what came next, but it began with the question, "Do you have a mummy?"

Taking her question literally I said "Yes."

She went on, "Do you have a little girl or a little boy?"

I was completely flustered, not knowing how to answer, when Amrah intervened.

"I think when she asked if you have a mummy she meant do you have a wife, is that not so, Toni?"

Toni looked puzzled and then said, "Does Doctor Essex have a mummy like you?"

That little tangle having been sorted out I said, "No I don't have a mummy like your mummy."

"Why don't you have a mummy?"

"Well, I...I...just haven't met...I mean, not everybody has a mummy."

"Ah; why do they not have a mummy?"

"Because...er...they...they...perhaps they don't want to."

"And you do not want to?"

"Yes...no...I haven't decided."

"So you do not have a little boy or girl?"

"Dear God," I thought, "how the hell do I get out of this one without lying again?"

Amrah stepped in saying, "Perhaps Doctor Essex would like a little boy or girl one day."

"A little girl like me?"

"Yes, I am sure he would like a little girl like you."

Toni, much to my relief, seemed to go off on another tack.

"When we swim tomorrow will you throw me up so that I can splash into the water like a dolphin?"

"Yes...if you'd like me to."

"Come," Amrah said, "it is time for us to eat."

That seemed to bring to an end a rather difficult if brief question and answer session.

Talk over dinner focused mainly on swimming and the next day's sandcastle and what we would do in the afternoon. I pointed out that the day after that I would have to leave and that drew from Toni the question, "When will you be coming back?"

I had to tell her I would not be coming back, but Amrah softened this response by saying, "Doctor Essex will be coming to see us when we go back to the city."

That seemed to settle the matter nicely until Toni asked, "Is that because Doctor Essex likes us?"

"Yes," Amrah responded, looking at me questioningly, "of course he likes you."

I noted the change in the pronoun from plural to singular.

Children in their innocent frankness can often leave the adults red faced. Toni managed this as she went on, "We like him, don't we mummy, you told me you like him."

Amrah resorted to a typical adult escape stratagem, "Yes, darling, now eat your dinner."

Thank God silence reigned while we ate.

It reigned until we went back to Toni's suite. When we arrived it was time for Toni to go to bed, and this brought about another turn of events.

For the first time Toni was paraded before me in her nightdress so that she could say good night.

She stood looking at me solemnly for a moment then said, "Samantha's daddy reads her a story when she goes to bed."

"Oh...ah...does he; who is Samantha?"

"She is Toni's friend in the city," Amrah explained.

"Her daddy reads her stories," she repeated.

"I see."

"Would you read me a story?"

"I...er...yes...if you want me to."

I looked at Amrah; she smiled and nodded, saying "We have been reading stories from "The Fairy Tales" of Oscar Wilde. Tonight we were going to start "The Nightingale and the Rose," and turning to Toni she said, "Only two pages tonight."

I was led by the hand into Toni's room and sitting on the side of the bed with Toni under the covers I began the tragic love tale.

I got a bit thoughtful when I came to the paragraph, "Surely love is a wonderful thing. It is more precious than emeralds, and dearer than fine opals. Pearls and pomegranates cannot buy it, nor is it set forth in the market place. It may not be purchased of the merchants, nor can it be weighed out in the balance for gold."

I finished the two-page ration with a bit of a lump in my throat. Perhaps not so poetically, this was what Amrah had said to me long ago. Love cannot be bought.

When I finished Toni gave a long sigh and said, "You read nicely Doctor Essex. Samantha's daddy always kisses her goodnight."

I took that to mean that I was expected to kiss Toni. I leaned over her and she put her arms round my neck and kissed me. And then said, "You look very pretty." I was close to tears.

"We build a sandcastle tomorrow and swim," Toni said as I left her, as if to be sure I would not forget.

Amrah went in to her for a few moments to make sure she was settled, and then returned.

She looked at me closely and asked, "You like being a daddy?"

I grinned and said, "I'm not sure I like being called pretty."

Amrah laughed and asked, "Is that what she said?"

"Yes."

"Then be pleased Tony, such words from children are sincere and not used to manipulate as so often with adults. But you did not say if you like being a daddy.

""Yes...yes...I suppose I do but I didn't know...it's...it's..."

"It can be very lovely or very ugly, Tony. Tonight you have made it lovely for Toni and yourself. She begins to feel love and trust for you."

Perhaps it was the sheer newness of filial love in my life that caused me to respond with a touch of uncalled for cynicism.

"And all because I helped her build a sandcastle."

Looking back I think Amrah might have had good reason to rebuke me for that remark, and she did, but in her own gentle way.

"Yes, Tony, it might begin with a sandcastle, but it grows as the child feels your love and caring, and this you have begun to show her."

The engineer in me came to the surface and I said, "Well, it could be worse, after all, sand makes a very good foundation."

"Then let it be so, Tony, let your love grow and hers will grow with it."

"Love is more precious than emeralds," I slightly misquoted.

"Yes, that is so, Tony," Amrah responded. "Would you care to join me in a drink before you go?"

My mind was still focused on Toni and how I felt about her. I heard myself breath out a big sigh and said, "Yes...yes...thank you."

As we sat with our drinks which turned out to be Amrah's Concoction, she said, as if she was mediating out loud, "It has not been easy for you Tony, to learn that you have a daughter. I often used to wonder how you would be if ever you did learn of her existence; I thought you might be angry and would turn away from her, not wanting to know her. I see now how kind and gentle you have been with her; you are a man with much love in your heart, Tony Essex."

"I don't know about that, Amrah, after all, she's very easy to love."

"Yes, that is true; she is much easier to love than many people."

It slipped out before I could stop it, but damn it, it was so often that way with Amrah. She seemed to provoke an immediate, and therefore most likely to be true, response.

"Who loves the parent loves the child."

There it was, straight from what Amrah would call, "The heart."

For nearly half a minute it was as if I'd denied the existence of God in front of a group fundamentalist Christians. There was a long almost alarming silence until Amrah said, "Do you say you love me, Tony?"

"Yes...yes, I bloody well – sorry – do."

I lie, I deceive, I am false with you, and you love me?"

"Yes, of course I bloody well – sorry – do. I was angry with you, at times I felt as if I hated you, but all the time it was really my disappointed love. Didn't someone once write that love doesn't count wrongs and it never ends?"

"If I say, I love you Tony Essex, you would not think I am lying and deceiving?"

"I don't know Amrah and I don't care. For five years I wanted my love for you to go away, but it wouldn't, and now...now I think whatever you did I would still love you."

"Oh Tony, I think you have much understanding of love, but if I..."

"Perhaps Toni has taught me about love," I interrupted.

"I think you are teaching each other about love, Tony, and you no longer mistrust me as you did."

"No, because this time I have a guarantee."

"What is that?"

"Toni."

"How Toni?"

"I know you love her; you know that love has started to grow between Toni and me; you would never do anything to hurt her, and besides, I know, because you have made it plain, you want me to be a father to her."

"That is true, Tony. It would have been good if you had said that you trusted me for my own sake, but I understand why you did not. I can be patient Tony, and because you will be coming to see Toni we shall have time to build trust between us; but now perhaps we should part until tomorrow."

I rose and she stood with me saying, "You see Tony, I am still too outspoken, saying what is in my heart."

She came to me and kissed me. It was a soft tender kiss, not wildly passionate, and she went on, "For tonight let my kiss be my little guarantee to you."

Chapter 10.A Promise is Fulfilled.

At last if was clearly out in the open. The three of us caught up in the ties of love. I hadn't been getting much sleep lately, and that night was no different. There was a difference however in why I could not get to sleep. I was revelling in the warmth of love.

I wanted to give and go on giving; pouring out on these two the joyful sense devotion I was experiencing. I had never felt like this before and it was exhilarating; it made me feel as if I was suspended between heaven and earth. Two people to give what had been so long buried in me. I loved and was loved.