Can they Come Back from the Abyss?

Ellie walked me out, "Thank you. I feel better knowing the reason. I still feel so dirty, so guilty. We haven't had sex since that night. I'll speak more with Dan. I hope with that he will be willing to go for counselling or mediation. Have you heard from Ray at all?"

I shook my head. "No, I'll try his parents to get a message to him. I just want some time with him to explain. I know he won't change his mind. If he won't speak, I'll have to go for his nuclear option. I don't want that."

I spent Friday working out what I was going to say to his parents. While we had gotten on well, I wasn't expecting a warm welcome. I knew I had to do it face to face so I set off on the Saturday morning for the drive to Milnathort. To say they were surprised to see me doesn't do justice to the looks on their faces.

I spoke quietly, "I know I'm the last person you want to speak to but can I ask a few minutes of your time. I won't trouble you again."

I think they saw how nervous but determined I was so they invited me in. No offer of tea or coffee.

"James, Mary, I can't apologise to you enough for what has happened. Ray didn't deserve the way I treated him or what I did. I know nothing I say will change his mind. I had this question as I never knew "Why!" I didn't want anyone other than Ray. Among the materials Ray left me, I found the reason for "Why." Ray, had he had taken the time to look through everything would have found this. I suspect he would have acted differently but he would still divorce me.

"I cannot contact him. I presume he has blocked my number and emails. I need to speak to him to explain everything. To apologise for the way I treated him. I accept I'm at fault and once we've spoken I'll sign the divorce forms.

"Can you ask him to speak to me? He can send an email, a text with a place and time and I'll be there. I won't pester him with texts, emails."

Mary said, "He's extremely hurt. I'll speak to him when he contacts us. It will be up to him."

I nodded, "Thank you." I left. I cried for some time before I could drive off. They had treated me like a daughter and this was how I repaid them.

If I felt things couldn't get worse, I was wrong. I felt off, food was nauseous. It struck me I hadn't had my period. OH NO! I wasn't on the pill as with Ray I didn't need any contraception. I bought a pregnancy test and it was positive. I cried. I'd been broody over the years but I never spoke to Ray. So many times, I had wanted to say to Ray, let's try in vitro but I chickened out. I could say I didn't want to bruise his ego but really I didn't like the thought of such a sterile procedure for something so magical. Now I had a bad choice to make. Given the nature of the conception, I couldn't have the child. I spoke with the abortion clinic and received the tablet. I stood with it in my hand for almost an hour before I took it. It may have been physically simple but emotionally, I was devastated.

Aileen was so supportive. She helped me through the next week. She made me confront my demons and arranged for me to see a counsellor. Sarah was well respected. She helped many people and was also a highly regarded sex therapist so I could deal with my sexual issues as well. Aileen was happy for me, "Ray might like the new, upgraded you," she joked. "If only," I thought.

It was about six weeks since Ray left when I received a call from his irate manager. He asked for Ray and I explained we had separated and I didn't know where he was. He wasn't happy. Ray's patent agent was wanting £75000 for a one-year licence. He complained it was more than double what they had been paying. Interesting!

I asked for the agent's name and contact details. I would speak with him to see if there was any other solution.

I had an idea. It was very risky and could backfire badly. I didn't see any other solution. The next day I spoke with two colleagues who specialised in different areas of law from me. After that I contacted the patent agent. He wasn't happy when I asked him about Ray's old firm's deal. He couldn't give out that information. I expected that. I told him that I had spoken with a Corporate Lawyer at my firm who specialised in patents. She had told me it would be worthwhile for me to ask the court to examine Ray's patents for their value. The patent agent wasn't happy. These patents and their clients were highly secretive and to expose them in court would be catastrophic for both Ray and his clients.

I accepted that, my colleague had told me about the need for secrecy but I had no way of arranging a meeting with Ray for mediation, which my colleague who specialised in divorce was advising so we could sort everything out prior to the divorce coming before the court. If we could meet in mediation, I wouldn't need to expose his patents to scrutiny. I'm sure the agent took the very strong hint. I was sure he would be in contact with Ray swiftly.

I half expected Ray to come crashing through the front door in anger. Mary would have told him about my request so he was deliberately ignoring me. This, I felt, he couldn't ignore.

Meantime, my sessions with Sarah were ongoing. We'd covered a lot of ground. I said repeatedly, I wished Ray and I had come to her years ago we may still have been together. She asked that if he did contact me, I ask him to come to a session or two. It would help him as well as he will have questions he needs answers to. Anger can cover so much but eventually he will need those.

Ellie and I persuaded Dan to attend sessions with Sarah. Ellie said they were both in tears, even when they arrived home. The girls had started on her and she had taken them into their dining room and read the riot act to them. She explained why what had happened and that she had bought spikey bottle tops for them to keep them safe. Their dad and her were trying to find out if they could remain together. It was bloody difficult and they needed their support as well. They'd ended up crying together as they hugged.

Ellie said Sarah deconstructed them, broke down her guilt and Dan's anger. The pain each was hiding from the other was intense. Each session has been difficult but the last couple they have managed to hug the other when they were in tears. The last one Sarah brought up their sex life. Ellie thought it was good but Dan said it was boring. Ellie had cried at that. Sarah had said "Honesty" and Dan was just being honest. As Dan explained, Ellie was shocked to agree with him. From his perspective she did little to instigate, to arouse him or tease him. It was a very restricted diet.

Ellie told Dan, "When we come to rebuilding our sex life, I'll be the wife you want. I'll learn how to please you, tease you, experiment but just with ourselves. You've always looked to make me enjoy it. Now we'll both look to enable the other to enjoy it."

Ellie blushed when she told me that night she had overcome his resistance and wanked him off over her astounding breasts. A first. It was also the first sexual contact they had had since that fucking orgy. She'd told him it was a down payment on their future. She planned on making him want her each evening. She hoped with what they were finding out about themselves and with Sarah's sex therapist skills they would have a new, better marriage.

When I went home I almost masturbated. It would have been the first time in years. I used to do it to tease Ray. Once I'd cum twice, he'd brush my hand aside and use his tongue before fucking me half the night. It wasn't pitiful sex, it was fantastic sex.

I received a reminder from the court they had not received my reply to the divorce papers. I had a decision to make. I discussed this with Sarah. She gave me a third option.

I called Mary, "Mary I apologise for contacting you again. Ray has never contacted me. I have only one option which would make us at least be in the same vicinity but it would be dreadful for both of us so I won't do it. My counsellor has suggest I write to Ray and explain everything, say what I really wish to say to him directly. If I sent a stamped address letter for him to you, could you add the address and forward it to him. It will need a reply from him as it has a request from the counsellor.

"I know now why this happened. It doesn't excuse it."

Mary sighed, "Donna, he probably won't read it. He'd burn it without looking at it. He's still extremely angry at you."

I spoke softly, "I'm as angry at me for the pain I've caused him and more. The counsellor has been helping me to overcome the anger. As you let the anger down, your feelings are totally exposed. Until you can control those feelings, you can't move on. She wants to speak to Ray to help him lose the anger and find himself again.

"If he's like me he has no life. I go to work, I go to the gym to help my anger control, I eat, I sleep. I don't go out unless it's to meet Ellie. She and Dan are working with a counsellor. It hasn't been easy but they have a chance. Maybe if he read it or better still spoke with me, it would help him."

Mary answered carefully, "I'll speak with him and see what he will do. I'll let you know if the letter will be read."

I closed, "Thank you."

It was two nights later there was a knock at the door. I about collapsed when I opened it to see Ray there. He didn't look happy. I ushered him in before he changed his mind.

I spoke quietly, "Ray, thank you for coming. I never expected you to come. Would you like a coffee, a beer?"

Ray's tone was he was very unhappy but answered, "A coffee please."

As I made it, he sat at the kitchen table. He spoke sharply, "You didn't leave me any choice saying what you did to my patent agent."

I placed the mug in front of him. "Ray, I tried to contact you but you refused to speak to me. I spoke with a colleague whose expertise is corporate law and patents. She said I could ask you to expose your patents and accounts. It would be very harmful to you but you would have to engage with me. By the time I spoke with your mum, I knew I couldn't do that. I explained to her it would be dreadful for the both of us. Not what I wanted at all. I won't ask you to reveal your accounts.

"Can I ask how you are? I can see you're so sad but are you feeling less anger?"

Ray spoke quietly, "I'm still fucking angry. I can't work out why!"

I smiled, "Did you view all the material you recovered from Melissa?"

Ray spoke slowly with a lot of anger, "After I saw you, I just looked to identify everyone and let their partners know. They needed to know what a bunch of cheaters they were with."

I nodded. I spoke sadly, "I wish you had. You may have acted differently. Not with me but others may not have been so badly harmed."

He looked up, the anger showing.

I spoke determinedly, "I'm going to tell you the whole truth. I'm not going to try and evade anything because it will hurt you, hurt me. With my counsellor, I've learnt I needed to face my demons. I've argued with myself how I could tell you. If you don't understand what I'm saying, ask me.

"Let me start at the night in which I did fuck three other men. Ellie and I attended that party totally committed to Dan and you. We've never thought of having sex with anyone other than our husbands. Yes, we've ogled some hunks, like you've viewed some hot women, but like you, we never wished to take it further.

"What we didn't know until I went through everything you had left on Melissa was that she was working with seven men. They planned to have an orgy and to achieve this they brought drugs which reduced our inhibitions. As a result, we all fucked. As if that wasn't bad enough, she videoed it and was about to sell copies. She would use those copies to get us to repeat the orgy, again and again. She's done this at least six times according to those files.

"When I found that out, I did two things. I gave all the evidence to the Police. They are investigating them. Ellie, I and others have given statements. I received a witness citation a few days ago as did Ellie. We may have to say in court what happened to us. I hope they will block our names so you're not further hurt by this.

"I also informed my bosses and they sacked her. They are looking to have her disbarred. You were wrong in your assessment of her, she wasn't the Clyde tunnel she was the Clyde sewer!

"That night was the only night I fucked anyone other than you since we first met. I'd had two lovers before you. You blew everything up before she could arrange another evening. While I wish we had a better outcome, I'm grateful you did.

"The two weeks from that night to the night in the restaurant things were very bad between us. I was abrupt, nasty to you, even worse than normal. It was my conscience. I was disgusted with myself. It was eating away at me, why didn't I know why I did that. I must know surely. Ellie was frantic as well.

"For our night out, I had thought what to wear. I knew that you had always wanted me to be more exposed so I did. I knew it was fruitless but I had to try. I dressed for you but I could tell you didn't believe it. I had different lingerie but I hadn't bought a new dress for you. From your face, I saw the hurt, the anger. It was as though you had read my mind, found my guilt and loathing for myself. At the restaurant, what Melissa said hurt you. Your secret but the real anger was when you worked out from her words, I had fucked others. You left then. I knew our marriage was over and I was responsible.

"I compounded that evening by going out with Ellie for meals. Despite what you think, we weren't fucking anyone. We were racking our brains to see what we could do to save our marriages. We had decided from the beginning the only thing to do was to tell you both the truth. The fact we didn't know "why" was why we delayed telling you and Dan.

"I stupidly dressed in a way which confirmed your suspicions. I hoped you be so mad, determined to make me yours, you'd grab me, throw me on the settee and fuck me. Instead, you only saw a whore! I made things between us even worse as if that was possible."

I took some sips of my coffee. I'd have preferred something far stronger.

I continued, "Ray, that night left me not only without you, someone I thought of as my soulmate, but pregnant. I never needed contraception. I agonised about what to do but due to the cause, I took the abortion pill. It was my response to that which made Aileen force me to accept counselling.

"I take full responsibility for what happened. I know without those drugs, it would never have happened but that doesn't absolve me."

Ray's eyes showed his anger and shock at my having being pregnant.

I spoke softly, "This didn't just happen. It was the culmination of a lot of factors. Most of which are my fault and some yours. I think you subconsciously knew we were going wrong but like me, you never put it together until it was too late.

"Ray, Sarah, my counsellor has deconstructed me, laid all my demons bare, made me confront what I did. Your spreadsheet showed how little I had considered you yet I believed we had a good marriage, even a decent sex life.

"Before I explain the next part, don't think at any time, I am accusing you of being the party at fault. It's so difficult to explain clearly.

"Ray, the day you told me you were infertile has lived with me every day since. I was stunned. I had seen you play with Ellie's little monsters and saw how good a dad you'd be. I had already fallen deeply in love with you but you were right. You never said it but you knew I wanted children.

"I spoke with my parents who already adored you. They told me to go with my heart. I thought I could concentrate on my career. As I told you, if I became broody we'd speak about in vitro. I knew you didn't like the idea but would, reluctantly consider it for me. There were quite a few times, I wanted to have that conversation but how I thought you'd feel made me back off."

Ray went to speak, he wasn't happy but I palmed him to wait.

"It was an excuse as Sarah found. I thought the whole clinical procedure was devoid of the love which should be part of having a child. I baulked at doctors poking at me, using me like a petri dish. Over time I made this into a mountain I couldn't get over. As I did, I began to blame you. You didn't know so how could you be to blame.

"With you at fault, I began slowly backing away from you. Your wishes became less important to me. Your spreadsheet showed me that. The holidays, the visits to the theatre, the other things we did together. Sarah has shown me how slowly it crept up so I wasn't consciously aware I was doing it.

"She asked about our sex life and I said it was good. She asked for your opinion and I stammered, "you thought it was pitiful." When she broke me down and I spoke about it, you were right. I went from edging you on my tongue to never touching your cock. I went from grabbing you when you came in the door and fucking you silly to never instigating sex. I stopped the roleplay, any adventure. Even on our holidays, I favoured keeping my hair intact over having you fuck me senseless.

"You were right, it was pitiful.

"I wasn't consciously aware that I was so unhappy with our marriage. All this made me easy prey for a skilled seductress such as Melissa. She has the ability to read peoples' emotions and preyed on those of us who were unsatisfied even if we didn't understand we were.

"It took her months to get me to open up but she did. By then I needed someone to rant about you to due to my anger with you. She manipulated my thinking about you. With my thirtieth coming up I was easy prey. Feeling old, no children and what I now see, apparently in a loveless marriage. Much of it my own fault. With those thoughts implanted within me, those drugs made me open to having sex with others. I'm so sorry.

"I wish I had known about Sarah long ago. While she's lovely and warm, she is unerring with her arrows. She's made me face my emotions, my guilt. I've never felt such pain as she's released in me. She's begun to show me how I can rebuild myself to be better. Even with what I know now and I still have a long way to go, I'd never have driven us apart.

"Quite a while ago, Aileen had managed to get out of me how bad our sex life truly was. She offered to come to our home and show you how to caress my breasts, eat my pussy. She'd even peg you if you wished. We could fuck but she wouldn't fuck you. She takes being a lesbian seriously. I wish I'd accepted her offer. She says it's still on the table."

Ray's eyes couldn't be open any wider.

"Sarah would like you to speak with her as she feels she can help your anger. It won't be easy. She believes you avoided confronting me much like I never confronted you. By confronting your demons, it may help you in your future.

"Ellie and Dan are seeing Sarah. She initially helped them communicate better. He understands it was the drugs which caused Ellie to fuck those two guys. He's not over it but is in a better place. In addition to their communications between them, Sarah has been working with them on their sex life which Ellie admits she had allowed to deteriorate. She's determined, she will be a hot wife for him and him only. He does look tired more often now.

"I wish I thought it would be possible for us to rebuild a better marriage but I know your feelings on adultery."

I looked at Ray, "I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. Despite the years I've mistreated you, failed you, I still love you. If you wish, I'll strip and lay over the table. Take you belt and give me thirty lashes, one for each year of being stupid.

"I'll always love you but I'll sign the divorce forms as I've spoken with you. Ask any question you wish. I'll answer truthfully."

Ray sat looking into his mug. It was his St Johnstone v Eskishirspor from 2012 in the Europa league. We used to go to matches together but I stopped going.