Chains of Memories

I had a vague memory about that change in the curriculum for public schools a few years back.

"You think you might need some extra help, son? You could get a tutor—"

"I don't need a tutor!" he snapped. "I just need to work a bit harder. I've been slacking off and fell behind, that's all."

I knew Cason well enough to know that was a lie. He was genuinely struggling and didn't want to admit it.

"I think you need to take a break, son. You've been going at this too long."

"I'm fine. Just let me study, Joseph. The midterm is tomorrow."

Cason had been referring to me almost exclusively as "Daddy" for weeks at that point. I was starting to think he was even more upset than he let on.

I decided to give him some space, though looking back I should have insisted.

He had his Calculus midterm late the following afternoon. He came back that evening looking completely drained and broken.

"How was the test, Cason?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he muttered, making a beeline for his room.

"I really think you'll feel better if you told me about it, son."

"Shut up and leave me alone."

Without thinking I reached out and grabbed his arm.

"You will not speak to your Daddy like that, understand?" I had raised my voice.

"Will you knock it off with the 'Daddy' shit? Let me go!"

"I'm not letting you leave until you talk to me!"

"I don't have to say anything to you, Joseph! Get off my case!"

"THAT'S DADDY TO YOU, SON! JUST TALK TO ME, DAMN IT!"

I surprised even myself with that outburst. I couldn't remember the last time I had shouted like that.

Cason was completely caught off guard. He went from anger to shock. I reached out and put my hands on his shoulders.

"Please, son. I just want to help you." I made my voice soft, but firm.

His face turned red and he looked ashamed.

"I'm sorry, Daddy."

I remembered something my mother did for me sometimes when I was a kid. I wanted to be the comforting presence to Cason that she was to me.

I got down and sat cross-legged, patting the spot on the floor next to me.

"Sit down, Cason."

Confused, he sat. I gently guided his body so that he was laying on his side, his head on my thigh.

"What are you doing?"

"After a hard day, I want my boy to have a place to rest. Relax in Daddy's lap."

I softly scratched and petted his head. I spoke again after a minute.

"Does this feel good, son?"

"It does. Thank you, Daddy."

I stroked his cheek.

"I'm guessing you don't think you did well on the Calculus midterm."

He laughed weakly. "I'm pretty sure I failed."

"That's not the end of the world. You can bounce back from this. I know you. You're a good student and a hard worker. You'll make this work."

"But I've worked so hard already. It wasn't enough." I could hear that he was choking up.

"You can get a tutor. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Even if worst comes to worst, you can always retake the class."

"I don't want to ask for help. I don't...I don't want to bother anybody else because I need to be taken care of."

"Why not? Nobody's perfect. We need to rely on each other sometimes."

"But I've been relying on other people all my life!" he sobbed. I could hear him try to stifle tears.

"You can cry in front of me, son. It's fine."

He whimpered. "I've just been such a drain on my mother growing up. I'm so weak and I need so much emotional support. I wanted to change that. I did what I could to be less dependent and needy. I thought I had changed, b-but nothing I did made any d-difference! I'm still a parasite!"

I pursed my lips. I caressed his face, feeling the tears.

"You're not a parasite, Cason. Your mother knew what she was getting into when she chose to have a child. She worked hard to support you because she loves you, and if you ask me I think she did a damn good job raising you. You're a good boy. You've made my life so much better since you moved in with me."

He turned his head to look at me.

"Really?"

"Absolutely. I love you, son."

His eyes widened at me telling him that for the first time. I saw another wave of tears.

"I l-love you too, Daddy."

I petted him some more.

"You're an optimist, and it's one of the things I love most about you, but you don't have to be that way all the time. It's not a good thing to just wear a brave face and try to take on your problems alone. When you're struggling, or confused, I want you to tell me about it. If I don't know, I can't help, and I want to help you in any way I can."

I bent down and gave the crown of his head a kiss.

"I know nothing about calculus. You're gonna have to go to somebody else for that, but just know that I'll always be here for you. No matter what time or place, if you're sad or frustrated and want to cry in Daddy's lap, that's fine by me."

I heard him sniffle, then weep some more. I stroked his face and hair lovingly as he cried. Eventually, he calmed himself down.

"You feeling better, son?"

"Yes, Daddy. But...can we stay like this a little longer?"

"We'll stay like this as long as you want."

We sat in a comfortable silence. I guess all the recent stress caught up to him, because he took a nap. For about an hour I sat there, watching my beautiful son sleep in his Daddy's lap.

*****

From that day on, the two of us really got close. We confided in each other about our problems and helped each other become better as people. One of my favorite things to do with Cason became just going on walks with him in the evenings, each of us telling the other about our day. Time and time again we went back to that park where we first met and took walks. It was something I looked forward to.

In public we mostly acted like friends, but at home he really was my son, and I was his Daddy. He'd hug me and kiss me on the cheek and rested his head in my lap often. I returned all the affection in kind. He became my boy to take care of and nurture.

That was the point where I was starting to wonder how exactly I felt about Cason, and how he felt about me. I loved the way things were, but it occurred to me that things could easily shift in another direction. As a gay man, I knew full well what "Daddy" normally means, but didn't find that thought unappealing at all. The only problem was that I wasn't sure how he felt about it. Did he simply want a friend who would act as a father figure, or did he want us to be even more?

I decided that before I asked him about any of that, it was imperative that I told Cason the full truth. I was too close to him to keep secrets like that.

Even so, I was nervous about it. I didn't know how he would react, but I had to remind myself that every day I went without telling him would make it more likely that he'd be angry with me when he finally learned the truth. It was a Saturday afternoon in mid-November that I did it. I sat us both in the den.

"Son, it's time that I laid everything down for you. I need to tell you about something."

He raised an eyebrow. "What is it, Daddy?"

"I have to give some backstory about myself first. We've never really discussed this sort of thing before, but I'm gay. I've known that since before I was your age."

He nodded, not even looking surprised.

"I wasn't ashamed of it or anything, but for most of my youth I was too busy with my studies to do much dating. It takes a lot of schooling to become a lawyer, and I wanted to be the best lawyer I could be. I regret how I didn't get out as much as I should have back then. That's why I insist on you taking your social life seriously. Your best memories are never about what you did in the office or classroom."

Cason nodded again.

"But when I was in my late twenties, I met someone. He was a man named Ted Maloney, and the two of us fell in love with each other. I loved having him around. He helped me learn to not take life so seriously. He had a job, but always wanted to have fun in life, and it was because of him that I grew to want that, too. I was also there to keep him focused. We were a great team. We ended up getting married."

I could tell from his face that he was anxious about where this was going.

"We lived together and formed a deep bond. I was sure that I would be with him forever. But sometimes life can really fuck you over."

I sighed before continuing.

"Around a year and a half ago, Ted was badly injured in an accident. He got hit by a car and was very nearly killed. They could just barely get him to the hospital in time. But they weren't able to fix him."

I felt tears well up.

"When I got the news, he wasn't going to be alive for too much longer. He was able to say goodbye to his loved ones, but he died shortly after."

I started crying and it didn't look like Cason was far behind.

"It was hard to even comprehend at first. Things were going fine, then all of a sudden, my husband, the man I loved with all my heart, was gone. I kept hoping that it was all a bad dream and I would wake up in our bed and he would be next to me. But it wasn't a nightmare, it was my life."

I took a few deep breaths.

"Everything became so dark and empty. I had so many people that loved me, but I felt alone. There were multiple occasions where I seriously considered suicide. I was sure that there was nothing left in the world for me. But I never had the courage to do it. I'm glad I didn't.

"For a long time my life was so sad and cold, but one year later, Ted's older sister Grace told me about his last request. She said my husband said to her that if I truly could not move on, she would tell me about something that happened in Ted's past."

I could almost see the gears turning in Cason's head. He was starting to guess what the secret was.

"When Ted was younger, he did something to help him make ends meet. He donated his DNA to make some money, and that DNA was used to make a clone. A young woman wanted a child, and through the cloning process she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. That boy is you, Cason."

He looked like he was having a hard time taking in so much at once.

"At first, I wanted to meet and become friends with you because you were my late husband's clone, and I'm sorry for using you like that. But please believe me when I say that I grew to love you for who you are, Cason. You're not a backup Ted. You're my son now and I love you. I'm sorry for keeping this all a secret, but I need you to know that you are the best thing that has happened to me since Ted died. You gave my life a new meaning, and I thank you for that."

I stood and went to get the VR headset I hadn't touched in months.

"I used to watch old videos of me and Ted all the time. I was addicted to the memories we formed together, but you helped me to not need them. We're making new memories together now. If you want, I could show you a little of what Ted was like, though."

He reached out and I gave him the headset. He put it on and I pressed the button to start playing my favorite video.

I had seen it so many times that I could play it in my head with perfect accuracy. I didn't need to watch the video with him. I knew it by heart.

Cason saw the video start with me walking out of my room, mumbling about it being some unholy hour. I rounded the corner in the video and Cason gasped.

"That...that's me..."

For the first time Cason saw the man he was a clone of. Ted was smiling, eating a bowl of cereal, not minding in the slightest that it was before sunrise.

"Morning, babe. Whatcha got that recording for?" Ted asked.

"I just wanted to document how my husband really does wake me up every day at the crack of dawn."

Ted smirked. "Oh, come on, I know you love me."

"I guess, but can't you just enjoy our bed sometimes? For me?"

"Why would I do that? I know what it's like being in bed. There's a whole world out there. If anything, you should be grateful."

Cason couldn't see it, but I rolled my eyes at that. I sat down at the table next to Ted.

"So, you still stuck on that case trial at work?" Ted asked me.

"Yes I am. It's been one of the most time consuming trials I've ever done."

"You can do this. I know you can." I hoped Cason picked up on how he wasn't just saying that. He really believed it. Believed in me.

"I feel like I can do anything when I know you're rooting for me, Ted."

Ted gave me a warm smile. He leaned in and kissed me.

"I'll always be there for you, Joseph. That's a promise."

That was when I turned off the camera and the clip ended.

Cason removed the headset and I saw that his eyes were misty.

"My heart was shattered when Ted died, but you really are helping me put it back together, son. I love you."

The tears started falling from him.

"But how do I know that? How do I know that you don't just love me because I'm Ted's clone?"

"You look like Ted, but you don't really act like him. Please believe me, it's not like that at all." I was getting choked up myself.

"But we're literally the same person born in different places!" he said. "How do I know that your feelings for me are natural? What if my genes are the only reason why I have these feelings for you?"

"Wait, what feelings?"

He stood up and almost ran to the door.

"I need to be alone right now."

The front door slammed and I started crying. I felt like such a bastard. I had toyed with the emotions of an innocent boy just because I couldn't let go of the past. This wasn't what Ted would have wanted. I was insulting his memory.

I broke down, falling to my knees. I cried into my hands. I was alone. Again. And I had nobody to blame but myself.

I don't really know how to explain what happened next. Maybe it was Ted's spirit communicating to me from beyond the veil, maybe I just knew him well enough to be able to imagine what he would say in this situation, but at that moment, I heard his voice in my mind.

Wow. You really got yourself in a mess, didn't you?

I answered him.

I did. I'm so sorry.

Everybody messes up, babe. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes as long as you learn from them.

But I thought I was learning. I thought I was moving forward, but I'm not. I miss you too much.

I miss you, too. But I know that I'll see you again.

Both me and Ted were Christian, so I knew that to be true, but at that moment it provided little comfort.

But...what do I do now? I'm still alone here.

Joseph, life's too short to be stuck in the past. You need to live in the moment.

I can't! I don't know how!

Babe, I love you, and I know you love me. But right now, you need to love me enough to let me go.

Tears streamed down my face and I sobbed.

I don't want to let you go! I want you back!

There was a long pause before I heard his voice again.

Life is only precious because it ends. I know that I lived a full life. I want you to do the same. You love Cason like how you loved me. I'm fine with that, because I want you to be happy. Go to him. Don't let me hold you back from living the life you deserve.

Ted was gone. I called out to him, but he didn't answer.

I cried some more, but when I calmed down, I could think a little clearer.

I didn't know much, but one thing I knew was that the last thing Ted would want was me living in misery on his account. I had done an awful job respecting his wishes.

With tears in my eyes, I prayed to God for strength, and thanked Him for the life I was given.

I stood. Ted told me to go to Cason. That's what I needed to do. I needed to prove to him that I loved him and wanted to start over. I grabbed the VR headset and ran out the door.

*****

Cason was at the first place I looked: the park bench where I was waiting for him the day we met. He looked up when he saw me approach, but didn't protest when I sat down next to him.

"I apologize for running out on you like that, Joseph," he said. "That was childish of me."

"That's alright, Cason. I know it was a lot to handle."

There was an awkward silence.

"Cason, I'm truly sorry for stringing you along like this. I was only thinking of myself. I hope you can forgive me."

He didn't say anything.

"I meant what I said back there. I really do love you, and it's not because you look like Ted. You've given me something entirely new, and I can't thank you enough."

He finally met my gaze.

"I need to prove to you and myself that I want to move forward. I'm the same person I was, but I have to change."

I held up the VR headset.

"On here I have stored all the videos I've taken of me and Ted while we were together. I've seen them all so many times, but I never had the courage to delete them, even though they just keep me in the past. I'm fixing that right now. For you."

Cason's eyes widened.

"I'm going to delete everything. I want to show you that I'm serious about moving forward."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I nodded. "Absolutely. It's not a loss. My memories of Ted live on in my heart. I cherish our years together, but it's time I stopped using them as an excuse to live stagnantly."

I showed him the small screen on the top of the headset, which displayed all the stored files. I tapped Select All and then the Delete option.

I'm sad to admit it, but when I got the popup asking if I was sure, there was a moment where I hesitated. It seemed so drastic. There were clips I wanted to look at one last time.

But then I looked at Cason, his face so similar and yet so different from the face of the man I loved. I had been living selfishly for too long. This was what was best for the both of us.

Steeling my will, I confirmed the deletion. All the videos vanished and the storage was completely empty. I felt some tears, but I was happy.

At the beginning, all the memories I had of Ted really did help me be less sad, but over time I started using them the wrong way. They went from things I watched to be happy to things I used to keep myself miserable.

I chained myself to the past, because if I moved forward, that would be me truly accepting Ted's death, which I didn't want to do. So I used those memories to hold me down. Now that they were deleted, I felt a weight leave my shoulders that had been there so long I hadn't even noticed it until I was gone. In Cason, I had been given an opportunity to be happy again, and I had to take it. It's what Ted would have wanted.

Cason and I hugged. It felt perfect. It felt like home in a way that nothing felt since Ted passed away. I kissed his temple.

"I want to start my life over, and I want you to be with me for it."

He nodded, smiling.

"I love you, Cason. I'd be fine however you want our relationship to be. Tell me what you want us to be to each other."

He gave me that small, shy grin I had grown to love so much.

"I never really had any sexual or romantic attraction before. It just didn't seem like something that was important, but the more I got to know you, the more I was drawn to you. You're not just a friend, and you're not just a father figure. You mean so much more to me than that."

He looked me dead in the eye.

"I don't just want you to be my Daddy. I want you to be my partner."

I nodded.

"Then that's what we'll be, son. Come here and give your Daddy a kiss."

He scooted over and leaned in, making our lips meet. I cupped his cheeks as the kiss deepened, warming me from the inside out. When it ended I gazed deep in his beautiful eyes.

"I love you, son."

"I love you too, Daddy."

I placed him in my lap and held him, kissing his hair.

"Thank you so much for giving an old fool like me a second chance."

We sat in silence for a few more minutes before I stood us both up.

"Come on, son," I said. "Let's go home."

*****

Once we were back at our house we kissed again, and he told me that he wanted to consummate our new relationship.