Christian College Sex Comedy Ch. 18

"Oh, that's sick!" Simone declared.

"Simone, have you ever had anal sex?" Rio grumbled.

"God, no, that's gross," Simone said indignantly.

"So what was it like when you walked the Dolorosa?" Rio queried. I was pretty stunned Rio even knew what the path that Jesus took to Golgotha was called.

"What? I've never been to Israel," Simone answered.

"I bet you'd like to go and I'd bet you think you'd like it," Rio grinned.

"Yes, I would want to go, and I know it would be spiritual, but this has nothing to do with homosexuality being wrong," Simone struck back.

"Listen, you stuck up bitch," Rio kept grinning, "Jesus was a pretty smart Son of God so we would assume if something was really important to him, he'd have brought it up before the Romans gakked him. Seriously, how long does it take to say 'homosexuality is wrong; no more butt-sex'?" Rio beamed vile unpleasantness at Simone.

"You are an immoral soul," Rhaine jumped in.

"If that is how you want to describe someone who is honest, fearless, and who thinks for themselves, then I guess Rio and I are both immoral souls," I defended my best buddy.

"Count me in," Christina raised her hand.

"Me, too," Hannah and Heaven joined in our little heresy.

"Hannah, how can you go down the same way they are?" Rhaine complained. "Heaven is gay and Christina has lied for her since the beginning; Rio is a criminal; and Zane is...a boy."

"Listen, Rhaine, I don't claim to understand what is going on with Heaven and Zane but I figure if God is pissed, he'll let them know," Hannah stated.

"In the past two weeks, short of dodging you and your enforcers, I haven't known Rio to do anything wrong. She's served her time so we should forgive her and give her a chance. St Paul started out persecuting early Christians before he saw the light. What would have happened if Jesus hadn't given him a second chance?" Hannah sighed. "How could I do less?"

"And Zane...face it, he's eye-candy, and I've got a list of ten different things I want to do with him when my time to have him for Handmaiden's Duty comes up," she finished with a grin.

"Just once I'd like to have a girl here tell me I'm smart, or funny, or that I have a nice personality," I griped. "But Noooo, it is always 'he's got a fifteen inch penis as thick as his forearm; he can screw for two hours straight; or that I have a prehensile tongue that can tickle the ovaries and bring a girl to multiple orgasms."

Simone and Hannah's eyes grew larger as my gross exaggerations persisted.

"It's not fifteen inches long," countered Rhaine decisively. Simone missed it.

"How do you know how big it is?" Hannah clearly didn't.

"I..." Rhaine choked.

"I was coming out of the shower when Rhaine, Joy Jefferson, and Mercy Chaplain intercepted me. My towel accidently fell off and she got a brief view," I volunteered. Rhaine's look of surprise became one of veiled thanks.

"Because it wasn't like Rhaine wanted that massive piece of meat rubbing between her legs until she cried out in ecstasy or anything like that," Rio teased.

"That's enough," I cautioned Rio, and put an arm around her waist to pull her in. That calmed things down until we were all called into the meeting. Uncle Josh was sitting against the near wall. Against the North wall sat Ms. Lane and a dark-haired fortyish woman with reading glasses I didn't recognize. They both were taking notes.

On the South Wall sat a different woman, early thirties with short black hair and what I could best describe as a casual lethality. Both new women looked over us newcomers but lingered on Christina, Heaven, and myself. Looking at the eight men on the Board of Directors was rather anticlimactic comparatively.

"Ms. Ritchie and Buchanan, we have decided to uphold Chancellor Bass's decision to annul the last election of Senior Class President. The matter will be decided during Freshman elections in October. We find both of your behavior to date this semester to be deplorable and a sad example to your fellow seniors. Do you have any comments? Ms. Buchanan?"

"Directors, what do we do if the Chancellor once again annuls the elections?" Christina asked.

"You appeal the action to the new Vice-Chancellor, Dr. Victoria Scarlett," the head of the board directed our attention to the woman sitting with Ms. Lane. As if my life wasn't hell already.

"Oh, you would so do her," Rio whispered to me with her insane grin.

I was so busy praying that no one heard her that I missed Simone being read the riot act next. She'd be facing re-election in a few weeks too, a fact she was distinctly upset by. Hannah was given the same news but her reaction was to flick her hair over one shoulder and give a bored sigh.

"What was that, Ms. Cartwright?" the Head Director grilled her.

"Reverence, Purity, Integrity – this is what our school supposedly stands for," Hannah faced the man down. "I can vote and fight for my country but you are treating us like children, Sir. The Chancellor was wrong and we fought back against her tyranny because that was the only choice our Christian moral code left us."

"It is hardly Christian to physically attack your fellow students, Ms. Cartwright," he shot back.

"I didn't tell any of my class to attack anyone but I admit that I punched two girls who I knew attacked other students," she admitted. "I figured it was time for a little Old Testament 'Wrath of the Israelites' kind of thing."

"Your intransience is not encouraging," a different man on the board stated.

"I apologize, Sir. I was hoping my love of justice would not be misunderstood," she sighed.

"Hannah, I'm voting for you as my class president," Rio leaned forward and addressed Hannah.

"You can't, Rio; you are a freshman and I'm a sophomore," Hannah grinned back at her. As far as I could tell, this was the most either had ever said to the other.

"Obviously you've never heard of gerrymandering and ballot box stuffing," Rio snickered.

"This is neither the time to joke nor a subject to joke about, Ms. Talon," the Chairman said crossly.

"Sorry, Sir," Rio beamed. "I wasn't trying to be frivolous; elections are a good thing. I'm all for seeing more of the girls here, to see them get excited and come together for their mutual enjoyment – I swear I do."

While that seemed to satisfy the Board, Hannah had to look down at her lap and Heaven developed a sudden coughing fit.

"Um...um...Vickers...umm, you represent quite a quandary. We suspect you lied on your application to this school three years ago and you absolutely understood you would not have been admitted if you had been honest with us," the Chairman of the Board declared.

Heaven shivered so I took one of her hands while Christina took the other. Our motions were noted but I doubt the three of us cared.

"Now, Vickers, we could deal with this matter if you would submit to a medical examination," he continued.

"Why?" Christina replied. "Is every other applicant to this school required to do the same?"

"No other student has their gender called into question," a third board member informed us.

"She is not going to go along with this blatantly discriminatory policy," Christina retorted.

"If I may," Dr. Scarlett raised her hand. After a moment the Chairman nodded. "Mr. Braxton, as a man and someone with a confessed familiarity with Heaven Vickers, would you assert that said person is a woman?"

"She's more than woman enough for me," I quickly answered.

"Since it is clear that I have the lowest moral threshold in this room, it isn't going to make anyone think less of me if I attest that I've seen Heaven naked and she's got all the girlie parts I like," Rio threw her soul into the struggle. Heaven virtually froze up at that declaration.

"Are...are you saying that you've seen Mmmm...Vickers naked?" the second director stuttered.

"Dude," Rio scoffed, "we have communal showers here. Seeing a girl naked is hardly a rare occurrence. Since you seem like a kindred kinky soul, I'll let you know that I've seen Heaven under the sheets and I can give that body my pseudo-lesbian seal of approval."

"Have you had homosexual relations?" the Chairman gasped.

"With Heaven, definitely not," Rio swore with an upraised hand. "As for anyone else, what does it matter?" she joked. "You already think I'm a whore."

"You should watch your language," the third director warned Rio.

I put my hand on her stomach to hold her back from saying something that would only make it worse for her.

"To the bitter end," she winked at me.

"To the bitter end," I smirked back. She was taking one for the team; drawing off the discussion about Heaven by shocking the Board. Unfortunately, I wasn't alone in seeing that.

"Mr. Chairman," Dr. Scarlett addressed the Head of the Board, "perhaps we could return to the agenda if you want to stay on schedule."

"Very well," the man allowed. "Mmmm...Vickers, this matter isn't over but since we do not have conclusive proof about your gender, your application will remain under review."

"Thank you," Heaven replied softly.

"Don't thank us," the man spat. "Your deviancy will reveal itself soon enough. Evil can never hide from God's Truth."

"God is with us," I glowered back. I wasn't winning any friends on the far side of the table.

"Your time is coming, Mr. Braxton," the Chairman retorted. "Ms. Talon, we find it miraculous that you haven't racked up more infractions in your short time here. Now, your parents and this board agreed, upon your admittance, that you would live with the strictest discipline and you've attempted every trick in the book to circumvent those intentions."

"They did this to me on purpose," Rio moaned over the revelation of her parents' role in events. They'd given the Chancellor and Dana Gorman carte blanche in dealing with Rio.

"Nothing has changed," I whispered to Rio. She turned and looked at me with tear-brimmed eyes. She nodded once in understanding.

"A special guardian will be assigned to see to your physical and spiritual security," he continued.

"Who?" Rio questioned quietly.

"Administration will decide on who is most appropriate," he responded snidely. "Now for Mr. Braxton."

"I would like to say how much we appreciate you ladies and gentlemen taking time out of your busy schedules to deal with matters here today," I interrupted. I earned several glares for my effort.

"Mr. Braxton, you are an unfortunate aberration that should never have been allowed to happen. All disruptions that have happened in the past few weeks can be laid at your feet," he opened with.

I raised my hand. The man opened his mouth to continue but seemed annoyed with my gesture.

"Yes, Mr. Braxton?"

"Sir, how did you come to this conclusion? I'm one guy, and a freshman at that," I countered.

"You are the man, of course," the Chairman snorted. "It is only natural that the women of this campus would follow your masculine authority no matter how unfounded and perverse."

Wait, did he just call every woman in this room mindless sheep?

"Still, we are caught in the same quandary that left you here in the first place. Since we have already isolated you in a Solarium, you will also be assigned a guardian," he grumbled.

"Oh, okay," I shrugged. "What happens to Dana Gorman?"

"Ms. Gorman has been terminated," he shrugged back.

"But it wasn't her fault. I'm no fan; she did knock me out during a practice session once after all," I pointed out. "She is good for this school, though."

"We have a new Head of Security and the Athletics Department is being suspended for the rest of the semester," the Chairman informed us.

"That would be the neo-fascist in black at the end of the table," I directed my attention to the lone woman on the south end of the table. "Ending our sports programs would be a serious mistake for the morale of the school. Ms. Gorman has done a bang-up job and it would show real concern for the students at this school if you would keep her on as Athletics Dean."

"Ask around to any of the hundreds of students who participate; ask Rhaine – she's worked closely with the Coach before," I begged. I had no idea which way Rhaine would jump but she was the only trump I had to play. The big guy didn't seem inclined to listen to Rhaine but that didn't stop her.

"Coach Gorman gives every girl an active outlet for our energy," Rhaine volunteered. "She also allowed the reliable elements of the student body to aid with security. It was a shame that Zane's masculinity unbalanced the school populace; the student body does not blame her for what Zane and Christina did."

"She should hardly be rewarded for such a catastrophic loss of control," the second director stated.

"Reinstating Coach Gorman as Athletics Dean would save us the need for creating new creative programs to provide for the physical well-being of the girls," Dr. Scarlett suggested.

"This is a matter for the Board to discuss," the Chairman announced. "You students are released to return to your dorms. Thank you for your attendance. Mr. Braxton and Ms. Talon, you will be assigned your guardians before you arrive at breakfast tomorrow." We took that as our clue to leave. We made it out of the room and almost out of the building.

"A moment, Mr. Braxton, Ms. Buchanan," the short-haired woman called out. I turned and met her while the rest of the group slowed down behind me as we started to exit the building.

"I'm Gabrielle Black, your new Head of Campus Security. I thought it was important to meet you before classes formally resume." She stepped up and shook Christina's and my hand while we studied her.

"You may call me Zane," I offered. "I hope this means we are getting off on the right foot despite that whole neo-fascist thing."

"I don't see any panty lines 'Gestapo' Black," Rio interjected herself. "Have you gone commando today?"

"I usually make someone earn the right to find out, Ms. Talon," she gave Rio a shark-like grin.

"I really don't see how that is relevant and I really don't want to know," Hannah spoke up.

"Come on, Zane," Rio persisted, "give it a shot."

"Hannah doesn't want to go there so why don't we say good-bye to the nice lady and go," I responded.

"What exactly is Ms. Talon asking for?" Ms. Black inquired.

"Apparently Zane has a thing for figuring out women and woman's lingerie," Christina said with a degree of caution.

"I hope Ms. Cartwright will forgive me but I'd like to test this little trick," Gabrielle requested.

"If Hannah doesn't mind," I asked the sophomore class President (sort of). She nodded so I looked to Gabrielle.

"Give me a second," I requested.

"What's wrong, Zane?" Rio wondered when I didn't immediately start reeling off the facts.

"She's good at lying," I informed the group, "but..."

"But?" Gabrielle smirked.

"Lycra – form-fitting, probably a custom job, dull black, and I guess...with some sort of synthetic weave," I stumbled along. "I've never seen anything precisely like it."

"I have," Simone muttered. "A woman in the Presidential Detail for the Secret Service talked about having one, though they called it spandex instead of Lycra."

"You have bulletproof undies?" Rio teased. "That is so cool."

"What kind of Campus Security Chief wears bulletproof underwear?" Rhaine wondered.

"That's not important," Gabrielle smiled coolly.

"36C with extensive surgery on her right shoulder," I noted, "plus I'm willing to bet she's had plastic surgery on several places over her body."

"Nice guesswork," Gabrielle grinned; too bad the friendly gesture didn't reach her eyes. "What gave me away?"

"You hold your left shoulder slightly higher and to the rear, causing your left breast to be elevated. Let's say that a thirty-year-old woman has a characteristic to her skin that a twenty–year-old hasn't developed yet," I informed her.

"Do you really want to go over every individual spot that I've noticed so far?" I hinted. Two sites could mean one thing and one thing only; they weren't something for open conversation.

"I will graciously concede the field," Gabrielle gave a half bow and withdrew.

"What was that all about?" Rhaine finally broke the silence.

"I'm not sure," Christina responded. "Zane?"

"I don't know," I murmured.

"I do," Rio volunteered. "She's nuts, and I'm not talking about thinking that Aunt Jude is a Martian nuts; I'm talking about someone you don't want walking into a daycare with a loaded gun nuts."

"That doesn't make any sense," stated Simone. "She's our new head of security."

"She's no police officer, I'd bet," Hannah weighed in.

"You people are being paranoid," Rhaine snorted. "The Board of Directors wouldn't put anyone dangerous amongst us."

"I agree," Heaven added bitterly. "It isn't like they suspect the student body to be under Zane's influence because we can't help but be naturally submissive to his masculine charisma. No – wait, sorry. That is exactly what they accused us of five minutes ago."

"Heaven, women are supposed to submit to their husbands; it is God's Law," Rhaine declared firmly.

"Oh, thank God," I groaned. "Rhaine, come with me to my room; I need a massage."

"You are not my husband or my father," Rhaine countered. "I am not required to serve you."

"Then why are we rolling over for the all-male Board of Directors?" Christina inquired. "All I wanted was for the students to stand up and make our own decisions. One day we will submit to our partner but until then, God gave us free will and we should exercise it."

"How does Zane fit into all that?" Simone challenged Christina.

"He made a mistake. I saw no duplicity in Zane in my time watching over him so I believed he meant us no harm," Christina replied.

"Your attitude brought you down," Rhaine reminded her.

"Standing up for what was right got me and my friends persecuted," Christina replied. "Anytime any authority tells you that it is okay to torture someone for the 'greater good' is being neither great nor good; they are perverting Christian virtues."

Rhaine and Simone had no answer for that. We parted ways (rebels and traditionalists) and returned to our dorms, waiting to see what would come next.

FIRST LOOK AT THE GUARDIANS

"Wow," Rio gasped. "My world view has been shattered; there really is a Santa Claus."

"Do tell," I joked.

"I've been assigned my guardian for the semester; you get three guesses," Rio grinned.

It had to be someone from Rhaine's faction and the number of people there that Rio didn't utterly despise numbered less than five.

"Mercy Chaplain?" I hazarded.

"Got it in one," Rio snickered. "Who is yours?" I looked up my text messages (they were normally sent to poor Iona).

"Vivian Phillips," I told Rio. "I don't know too much about her but she's first-team Karate and a senior from Rhaine's camp."

"I need to think of something nice for Mercy this evening," mused Rio. "I am thinking the fuzzy hand and ankle cuffs, coconut massage oil, and my little pink friend."

"That seems awful...passionate for you," I pointed out.

"Don't worry about it," she smirked. "I'm going to ride her face like a burro going down the Grand Canyon."

"That was a metaphor I could have done without," I grinned. "By the way, the morning of the great melee, you were really nice to Mercy. What is up with that?"

Rio looked embarrassed, cast her eyes about suspiciously, then looked at me intently.

"I hoped no one caught that," she whispered.

"I'm pretty sure it was only Valerie, Joy and I who caught it, and Joy had no point of reference," I advised Rio. "Where is your mind concerning the two of you?"

"Damn it, Zane, she's a sweet girl," Rio hissed. "The crazy kid trusts me totally. That is kind of eerie and gentle at the same time, if that makes sense. Nothing has prepared Mercy for what a shithole this world can be; she is simple, sheltered, and innocent in her outlook on life."