Christmas Cracker

"Fucking nom!" She gleefully yelled before plummeting her head into his lap.

Before Wendall quite remembered where he was after that soul-searing kiss she'd laid on him, he found himself on the receiving end of a truly masterful blowjob. She'd wasted no time in teasing and in that first plunge had introduced the swollen plumb of his cock to her tonsils. He'd never felt such raw enthusiasm for the act before, although he remembered faintly that there was someone who had done it before for him. She wasn't nearly this talented. What was her name again? Oh well. Who the hell cared, anyway?

He watched and held the reins of the sleigh in one hand as the other came to rest on the back of Callie's head. Each time her head bobbed up and down in his lap the bell of her hat jingled. Her lips sealed around him and she suckled as greedily as he'd seen her gobble up the food from the tray. In fact, she seemed even more ravenous now with her tongue merrily flicking along the underside of his shaft to coax out what was clearly one of her favourite drinks.

Given that he hadn't exactly spent much time relieving that pressure in the past months, it didn't take much of her candy-cane swallowing before he sent thick ropes of hot cum across her waiting tongue. She wasted no time at all in swallowing it all down as if she was half-starved.

"Fuck me, Callie! Where the hell did that come from?" he asked after finally catching his breath.

"You wanna fuck now? Awesome!" She lifted her head after releasing the tip of his cock from between her lips with an audible pop. "Just let me get these leggings off."

"I wasn't being that literal!" He reached out to stop her from pulling up her smock. "Callie, that was..."

"Really fun?"

"Really wrong! I must be twice your age for crying out loud!"

"I'm 1,672 years old. I'm pretty sure if anyone's the cradle robber here then it's me."

"That's... Wait, really?" He blinked at her. She looked damn good for a 1,672 year old. "Never mind that! It's still wrong! We're in Santa's sleigh!"

"I know! Isn't it great? Talk about joining the mile-high club in style. Just let me get my tights off and then you can bend me over the back of the seat and-"

"Callie! No." He said with a firmness that she hadn't heard from him before. "I can't do this right now. You'll keep your tights on and sit down beside me."

The order was given and she followed it immediately this time, with a startling degree of rigidity. It was as if she couldn't resist sitting down next to him, placing her arms at her sides and sitting up ram-rod straight. The expression on her features indicated that she was actually fighting some strange urge to follow his orders, but couldn't quite bring up the willpower.

"Dammit, why? Wasn't it good?"

That actually made him laugh aloud that she could possibly think such a thing.

"Now I'm starting to think you're the one who's insane. It was amazing. In fact, I can pretty much say that it was without a doubt one of the best moments of my entire life."

She perked up again then, her body relaxing from the rigid position it had taken. "So what's the hold up?"

"It doesn't feel right, ok? This is a lot for me to deal with. I suppose the only way to handle it is one step at a time. So let me do that, please? Don't jump ahead too far or you might lose me."

"That's fair, I guess." She looked down to the bells on her shoes, obviously disheartened.

"Let's just get to the North Pole and you can show me what I've inherited."

"Then after you can fuck me?" She perked up again.

"Sure, what the hell. After I get settled in we'll take a holiday somewhere together. Maybe go pole-to-pole or something."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"See, now you're on your way to becoming my idea of the best Santa ever. I think we should go on a margarita cruise."

* * * * *

Shortly after that conversation he turned the reindeer loose, and at full speed they were at the North Pole within minutes.

"I don't see anything up here!" he yelled over to Callie as he circled the reindeer above what appeared to be a whole lot of arctic wasteland.

"Yeah, we had to move the whole place under the ice a few centuries ago! Didn't want people showing up early lookin' for presents. Wait for it!"

After another full circle, he saw what she'd told him to wait around for. The ice itself opened up for them, arising up to reveal two rows of pillars holding it aloft, in-between which there was a tunnel leading deep underground. It would have been quite a narrow fit to get the reindeer and sleigh down there, but he guessed that they'd done it a few times before.

"Alright guys, don't go making me look bad on our first landing!" He gave them a yell of encouragement and they started the descent.

About half way through the landing, he made the mistake of casting a glance over to Callie and saw she was holding on to her hat and looking nervous. The gaping hole in the ice grew steadily larger as they neared it, and the reindeer guided them inside with a sudden loud whoosh of air. The sleigh landed smoothly on the icy surface of the tunnel and they were no longer flying but sliding through a long and winding passage. Wendall looked around seeing hanging fairy lights illuminating their way. Although when he looked closer, he saw that they weren't fairy lights but actual fairies. They'd emerged from little holes in the ice to light the way as the tunnel closed up behind them.

The tunnel eventually opened out into the stables. An enormous domed room adorned with Christmas decorations and a veritable army of elves awaiting their return. The cheers went up as the sleigh settled at the centre of the room and the elves greeted their returning boss.

"He looks great!"

"I love his smile!"

"Aw, he looks like he's about to shit himself!"

"What's with the suit? Is he an accountant? Oh well, can't be worse than the last guy!"

"I really like his tie!"

He did his best to smile and wave. For most of his life he'd barely had a fuss made over him, even for his birthday, so being on the receiving end of that much good will was quite an experience. When Callie got out of the sleigh he stood up to follow her down into the masses, except when he did the entire place fell silent.

A rather horrific moment of dawning realisation occurred when it became clear they were waiting for him to speak. An equally disturbing thought occurred when he realised he hadn't zipped himself up after Callie's excellent blowjob. So rather than addressing the elves, he spent the first few seconds pointedly looking at his crotch. (Naturally, Callie had zipped him up herself immediately once she'd finished and it was nothing to worry about.)

He then looked to her for assistance with what to do, but she only smiled encouragingly and nodded up to him from beside the sleigh. Crap. He took a deep breath and stood up, trying to calm himself before a collection of alarmingly attractive elves who were all looking at him expectantly.

"Hello everyone!"

"Hail, Santa!" The elves all raised their right arm immediately and stood ram-rod straight.

Wendall blinked in horror. What the fuck was that!?

"Er... right. Arms down, please! Thanks. I didn't know you'd all be here to greet me like this. Thank you! It makes me feel so welcome down here. I don't really know what I'm doing here yet, but I promise to try to be the best Santa, and the best boss that you've all ever had."

There was a rather awkward pause then, and he offered a little wave before moving to walk off the sleigh. The elves burst into a sudden and deafening cheer that seemed to shake the immense room to its foundations.

"He's awesome!"

"I knew this would be the best one yet!"

"I really love his tie!"

He wobbled slightly as he'd been trying to dismount the sleigh with the help of a couple of elves when they'd started cheering. Then he smiled and continued waving and shaking hands as he made his way through the crowd to follow Callie wherever she was going. It was wonderful to hear such a positive response, but once they left the stables things started getting more problematic. They walked up a flight of stairs together to emerge in an enormous workshop. He gawked at the sheer size of the place.

Unfortunately, despite its awe-inspiring scale, the workshop wasn't a pretty sight to behold. In fact it was one of the most depressing places he'd ever seen in his life, and he'd worked in his fair share of depressing places. Everything seemed to be comprised of grey metal and black conveyor belts. Exhausted elves sat at the belts assembling a number of items, none of which appeared to be festive. A few of them looked like they were falling over in their seats and most had a sickly, greyish skin tone. He stopped short when they turned a corner and saw one of them assembling what appeared to be an M-4 assault rifle.

"What in the hell is going on here?"

"We should talk in your office," Callie winced at his tone. "I figured you might get a little freaked out by all this."

"Freaked out? That guy looks like he's nearly dead. And is that a fucking sidewinder missile!?"

"This is a branch of our weapons production platform. I can explain-"

"Nope, no you can't. Oi! You lot!" As he spoke his voice rang out from every corner of every part of the factory, all of the elves in the workshop stopped and turned to look at him. A few of them were startled out of their seats and fell from their conveyor positions to land on the floor with a thud before their heads popped up wearily looking for the source of the noise. "I'm your new boss, and until I tell you otherwise you are all officially on vacation. Go get some dinner and then go to bed until you feel better."

There was a long pause after that, and then the weary faces started turning into grateful smiles. Tiredly, they started moving out of a number of doors in the facility to go to bed. When he turned back to Callie she was crying, although there was a big smile on her quivering lips.

"Who the hell was the last Santa anyway?"

Since most of her kin had filed out of the building, she didn't seem to want to hold back any longer. She continued walking, explaining as he fell into step beside her.

"He was a turn of the 20th century industrialist from America." She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Can I be honest?"

"Sure."

"Thanks. He was a nasty, tyrannical, dipshit who didn't really like the idea of magic but saw what he called 'potential' in us. Free workers. No limits. He called making people buy their own presents for each other privatizing the grunt work. Then he set up a few companies and started importing from the workshops and making a huge profit off the merchandise. We're magic workers, Wendall. We can make anything, and we can improve it too. He made a fortune, and sold Christmas away by turning it into a damned trade fair reliant on greed rather than need or hope. He even took away the memory of how it used to be, so people wouldn't want it back how it was. They'd just think we were a fairy story."

"Shit. That sounds awful. I'm sorry."

She sniffed again, then took a large handkerchief out of a pocket in her smock and loudly blew her nose.

"Ok, so what was with the scary-ass salute back there?"

"Ugh, believe me, you don't want to know."

"Jeez. So for the past century Santa Claus has been a fascistic, heartless capitalist?"

She nodded. "Yeah, and kind of a sex maniac."

"Huh?"

"Well..." she was evidently trying to go about explaining the matter as delicately as possible. "See, before he came along most other Santas would either already have a wife or pick one of us after a while and she'd be Mrs. Claus and that would be that. Any time Santa got frisky, it was Mrs. Claus's job to see to it. Except our last Santa didn't really accept that, and took a liking to more than one of us. He didn't need to do much any more what with the deliveries not needing to be made every year. So his office and residence kind of turned into a giant non-stop Santa-Elf orgy. I guess that's what Victorian sexual repression gets ya."

"Ok, now you're just fucking with me."

"Heh, well..." She scratched the back of her head and suddenly got very fidgety.

"You were in Santa's orgy, weren't you?"

"Yeah. I know it probably sounds weird, but I was really lucky. The ones that work out here? You've seen them. It's not exactly the holiday ideal, is it? Then there's the ones you met out in the hall. They're the most photogenic ones he kept apart for PR purposes, and the most beautiful of those he kept for himself."

"Damn, that sounds horrible."

"It's actually not so bad going day to day. I mean, I'd rather have Christmas back to the way it was, but I usually spent most of my days with other elves gettin' our pointy-eared freak on. Old Santa wasn't into the guys, but he liked watching them with us."

"Wait, what do you mean PR purposes? I'm pretty sure if there'd have been an Elf cover shoot in Vogue magazine it'd have made the news."

She smiled and gently nudged him with her elbow.

"Nah, it's like for keeping just enough Christmas spirit out there so that he could keep doing what he was doing without everyone realising he was completely fucking pointless. Crimeny, I'm sorry! I pull you out here saying you get to be Santa and then drop all this on you. I'm so very sorry, Wendall. I'm a horrible elf. I just had to get you out here. You seemed so nice, and the next in line was probably going to be just as horrible as the last one."

"Actually, I don't think you're a bad elf. I think you're a damn cute elf. I'm also not mad at you. I was kind of terrified of coming here. I somehow managed to screw up my last life, and I thought that coming here was going to be a whole load of me making a mess of things. But now? Crikey, it's not like I could do much fucking worse."

"That is a point that I didn't really consider. I like your attitude, Santa." She gave him another playful nudge and then lifted herself up to kiss his cheek again. "Now let's go check out your office and we'll start putting things right around here."

"Yes ma'am." He nodded.

They walked through a number of the enormous factory rooms, along metal walkways and up and down many flights of stairs. All of them were now largely abandoned, as his voice had rang out through the entire place to every overworked elf he'd been addressing.

"Oh come on, really?" he said in near-total disgust when she led him up a final flight of stairs toward a perfectly scenic log cabin set beneath a fake but damn-impressive open sky that glittered above. Wendall turned around to see a great open chasm before it with thousands of conveyor belts. It was one of the biggest factory chambers he'd seen. His predecessor had apparently lapped it up in luxury whilst overlooking what must have been a truly intense volume of abject misery from his workers.

It was only then that a terrible thought crossed his mind.

"Callie, where are the kids and the old elves?"

She looked back over her shoulder at him with a reassuring smile as they ascended to the cabin. "There aren't any, Wendall. There never were. We don't really work that way, because we're mostly magical creatures. We don't grow old. We just are. You won't get any older now, either."

"Oh, well that's a relief. Did not want to see children or old folks getting worked half to death around here. Although, immortality huh?"

"Yes, I'm afraid you'll see everyone you ever cared for pass away. It can be difficult."

"The only person I loved was my ex-wife, and I'm pretty sure my reaction to her dying will be less mourning and more along the lines of dancing on her grave."

They reached the cabin with an amused laugh from Callie before the door flew open and another elf burst out into the snowy shelf in front of the large drop into the factory.

"You gave him a blowjob!?" The distressed elf screeched at Callie. "That's cheating!"

The newcomer had a distinctly different look to the others. She was wearing a green bikini, with golden strings wrapped across her hips and over her shoulders. Waves of beautiful golden hair cascaded down to her shoulders, and she looked staggeringly gorgeous even with her face set in a snarl.

"I was trying to get him to come here!" Callie argued rather unconvincingly.

"You were trying to get his cum in your belly, you mean! You know what we agreed! No seducing the new boss until we've all had a chance to meet him." It was only then that the new arrival seemed to finally notice Wendall, and she froze for a few moments when she realised who he was.

Shortly after that, a beautiful smile set on her cherry red lips, and she offered a graceful bow that reminded him of something a ballerina might do. Looking up at him with gleaming blue eyes, she finally introduced herself.

"Hello, sir. I'm Elina. I'm sorry about that. It's just that I was the former Mrs. Claus, and I'm rather hoping to reapply for that position if you should desire the company."

"Er..." Wendall felt caught between a rock and a hard place for a few moments, and then decided to go the straightforward route and offered out his hand to Elina. "Nice to meet you."

She looked at the hand as if she might be expected to lick it or something, and then finally remembered what a handshake was. "Oh! Of course." She extended her own hand and shook. "It's wonderful to meet you too. I like your tie."

"Yes, the tie has been a big success all around." He nodded with a little chuckle. "Callie told me there wasn't a former Mrs. Claus on account of the former Mr. Claus being a bit on the, erm, hyperactive side."

If the implication of those words bothered Elina it didn't show in the slightest. She simply shrugged noncommittally and nodded.

"He was. I was more of a madam than a wife, I suppose. Still, he did give me the ring and the power that comes with it."

"Power?"

"Oh, she hasn't told you that part yet then? Yes. Power." Elina glared over at Callie who was making a distinct point of looking at the bells on her toes again. "If you choose to take a Mrs. Claus then she becomes a high-elf."

"That sounds nice." Truth be told, he had no idea how it sounded. Did it mean she'd get taller?

"It is. I rather liked it. I would do anything to regain that position, no matter how nice or naughty it might be." She stepped forward and lifted her hand to gently straighten out his tie in a manner that suggested she was very capable of straightening out other things.

"Excellent!" Wendall certainly admired her eagerness to get to business, and decided it was time to get something done. "Right then, let's get to work. I'd like you to get all the elves that my predecessor turned into sex slaves, including yourself, and have them get dressed in their work clothes. They, along with the photogenic guys who were there to greet me, will be filling in for the others whilst they get some rest."

Elina looked over to the seemingly endless empty conveyor belts with a look of dread that drained all the colour from her achingly beautiful features.

"Don't panic," Wendall continued, gesturing to the workhouse behind him. "All that shit stops today. You really want to impress me?"

The elf looked back at him, confused but nodding with affirmative determination.

"Ok then, do you have any hierarchy at all?"

She shook her head. "I just had sex, and before that I made presents."

"We all did. Santa was the only one who told us what to do."

"Alright, well I don't have that kind of time right now so I need floor managers. One for every fifty elves. For every ten of them I want a regional manager. For every 5 regional managers I want a captain. Captains report to me here as soon as you've got them. Whilst I'm talking with them I want the current products cleared off the lines and the lines prepped to make anything I want. After every 2 hours of work, all elves can take a half-hour break or a fifteen minute break every hour with one hour in the work day for lunch. The day starts at 9am and ends at 5pm and any workers staying on after that are welcome to stay and help out but are not obliged to. I do not want to see tired elves on my production lines. You got all that?"