Christmas to Christmas

Kim put her arm around Anna's shoulder. "Don't worry, Anna -- I'm pretty sure he's already there. I think you've accomplished that little task. I'm so happy for you, Anna. This is just great!"

Anna smiled and said, "Thanks, Kim. You and Janice have been so strong for me. I know you've made sacrifices to keep me sane and feeling protected. I will make it up to you someday. I don't know just how, but I will, I promise."

Kim hugged her roommate. "You just make sure that your man doesn't get away. The day you walk down the aisle with him is the day you will have paid me back!"

Anna blushed again. "Kim -- there's certainly not talk of that yet!"

They laughed as they headed down the hall to their respective bedrooms. The perfect day had come to an end, and Anna slept soundly, dreaming of lying with Eric in the lounge chair on the patio.

August 15^th

It was a little over two weeks before the start of the new school year, and Eric was taking some time to get his classrooms ready. He was beginning his third year of teaching in this school district, and he felt more comfortable starting this year than he had his first two. The experience of those two years was a big reason for that. But he also realized that this was the first time he was going into the new year with someone special in his life. Everything was better since he and Anna had been together. They continued to grow in their love for each other, and while they had yet to be completely intimate with each other, Eric wasn't letting that keep him from spending as much time with Anna as possible.

Anna wasn't on his mind as he worked to get his rooms ready. He was focused on the coming school year, hopefully continuing to build on the progress his choirs and classes had made the previous two years. He believed the community was starting to see the difference as he had increased their visibility in several ways, including having his classes perform at the care home where Anna, Kim and Janice worked. He smiled to himself as he worked, thinking what a lucky guy he was to have everything going his way.

His cell phone ringing on his desk in his office took him out of his happy thoughts. He hurried in to answer it, as he was in the far corner of his classroom when he heard it. He got there too late, and was surprised to see that it was Anna that had called him. He immediately tried to call her back, but her phone went straight to voice mail, indicating that she had shut it off. Fearing for her safety, he started calling Kim first, and would call Janice if Kim didn't answer, but before he could send this call, his phone started ringing again -- it was Janice this time.

"Eric, Anna has just heard some news that has made her hysterical. She tried to call you but then hung up, saying she didn't want you bothered, so she shut off her phone. But you need to be here; she needs you right now, Eric. Can you make it?"

By this time his concern for Anna's safety was overwhelming. "What happened? Is she alright? Is she there with you?"

Janice's answer was firm. "She is here, and she's fine physically. But she's a mental wreck. However, if you come over and start talking to her like you just talked to me, I'm afraid it's going to make matters worse. She needs you to be strong, Eric -- she needs your shoulder to cry on, and your guarantee that you will always be there for her. Can you come over to our house and be with her?"

Eric replied, "Yes -- I'll be there in 10 minutes."

As he shut down his classroom and office, he tried to think what was causing Anna to react this way. He couldn't think what it might be, but Janice was very firm in saying Eric could provide what she needed. She was the most important person in the world to him, and if he could be of any help, he would be there, no matter what.

He pulled up in front of the girls' house and shut off his Taurus. He literally ran to the front door, not bothering to knock before trying the door knob and finding it locked, which made him even more nervous. He knocked, and Janice was there immediately to let him in. Before she let him go upstairs to see Anna, she wanted to talk to him and explain what was going on.

"Eric, the county prosecutor just called about 25 minutes ago. It seemed that the lawyers for Anna's attackers have filed a wrongful prosecution lawsuit, trying to get the verdict of the trial overturned in an effort to get them released. He said the likelihood that will ever happen is small, but that didn't matter to Anna. When she heard they might get out, she dropped the phone and ran back to her bedroom. Why the stupid prosecutor told her instead of one of us is beyond me, because we could have prepared her for the news better than just blurting it straight out like he did.

"She told Kim and me that she didn't want you to know, that she was afraid it would make you reconsider your relationship if the two attackers were released. She wasn't using good judgment, Eric -- you know there is no way she means that. She needs to know that you are here, and that there is nothing in the world that would convince you to leave her. You do still feel that way, don't you Eric?"

He frowned at Janice. "Of course I do -- you know that, Kim knows that, and certainly Anna knows that. But I'm not upset for her saying she didn't want me to know. I can't possibly know what is going on in her mind after hearing news like this, but I'm not going to add to her fears by questioning what she said."

Janice stepped in and gave Eric a hug. "You know, you are an amazing guy. You have been so patient and understanding of her need to proceed with you at her best pace. She trusts you more than any man ever in her life, before or after the attack. This is why she needs you right now, Eric. She may be upset initially, but don't criticize her for not wanting you to know. Instead, give her the security and love she really needs."

Eric quickly considered the options in front of him. He knew that there was nothing Anna could say or do that would get him to reconsider their relationship, but he was concerned that her anger at seeing him when she specifically requested he not be told might cause her to say or do something out of character, possibly damaging what they had together. He decided he was willing to risk it, and he took a deep breath and headed up to Anna's bedroom.

Kim was sitting on the bed next to Anna, who was lying down with her blanket pulled up over her head. Kim smiled when she saw Eric, who stood in the doorway, not knowing what to do next. He watched as Kim leaned down close to Anna's covered head and said, "Anna, someone is here to see you -- someone has come to help take care of you."

Anna pulled the blanked off her face and saw Eric. She began to cry immediately, and then looked at Kim and said, "I thought I told you not to tell Eric! He doesn't need this stress right now, he's trying to get ready for school and he doesn't need an emotional cripple to slow him down. Tell him to leave!"

Kim put her hand on Anna's arm and replied, "No, Anna -- I'm not going to tell him that. You know that Eric loves you very much, even if you are an emotional cripple. He's concerned about your every emotion, and he's only here to support you and love you and do whatever he can to help you through this. If you want him to leave, you're going to have to tell him yourself. But I have a feeling he will ignore you, because he knows you may not be thinking straight with this sudden stress that has come over you."

Anna covered her head again, and beneath the security of the blanket, said, "Eric, I don't want you seeing me like this right now. Please leave -- if I need you, I will call you. Please do as I say, while I work through this."

A pained look came across Eric's face. He turned to Kim, who simple shrugged her shoulders, not knowing what to tell him. Janice came up behind him and gently grabbed his arm and led him out of Anna's bedroom and back into the upstairs hallway.

"Eric, I don't have any answers for you, but I can tell you that this is the behavior Anna showed for weeks after the attack. And even after her attackers had been caught and found guilty at their trials, she would still have regressions that caused her to end up under her blankets in the safety of her bedroom. For that first year following the attack, we couldn't get her out of the house for anything except work, and even then, we had to make sure that either Kim or I were working the same shift with her. The first time we got her out for a social event was the night she met you, and that took an effort, since that was where the attack had taken place. Her therapist had encouraged her to go with us, and now I'm sure she's glad she did."

Eric reviewed the picture of Anna hiding in her bed with the information that Janice had shared with him. He realized that until this point, he has always played it safe around Anna, letting her be the one to decide when their relationship would take important growth steps. At the same time, he knew that when Anna was dealing with the aftermath of her attack before, it was without him being with her for support. So it was only natural that Anna did not think of him in a supportive position when she found out about the potential legal appeal by her attackers. She had regressed to the safety she knew at the time, and she wasn't likely to see that he would be extremely supportive, since he wasn't there to support her the night of the attack.

He looked at Janice and said, "Throughout our relationship, I have let Anna decide when she was ready to move our relationship forward. But maybe this is the time that I step up and tell her what I'm going to do, and not give her an option to say no. We all know that there's no logical reason that she feels I shouldn't be supporting her through this. I think I can show her in a calm and rational way that she would be better off with me by her side, instead of pushing me outside of her safety zone."

Janice put her hand on Eric's arm. "Just be careful, however you decide to do it. I know Anna looks pretty bad right now, but believe me, this is nothing like the year after the attack. You have a gift, Eric -- your personality and ease of manner have been exactly what Anna has needed, even though she would not have thought that before she met you. So it's logical that you know what she needs to get through this. Just go easy, and pay attention if it gets to the point that you can see it's not going to work. She is irrational right now, so let's not give her anything that would add to that, or else I could see your relationship taking a hit that wouldn't be good."

Eric stood up and walked back to Anna's bedroom. She was still under the blanket, so he motioned to Kim to come over to him. In the hallway, he whispered his plan to her, and she smiled and gave him a hug. He went into Anna's bedroom alone, and sat on the edge of the bed.

Anna immediately knew that it wasn't Kim. She pulled the blanked down and saw Eric. She started to say something, but Eric stopped her with a simple hand gesture. "Anna, I want you to listen to me. When I get done, you can say anything you want, but I want you to hear me all the way out before you answer.

"There is no way that I can even begin to understand all the pain and anguish you have experienced as the result of the attack, and I know that some of that pain and anguish has resurfaced since you had your phone call earlier. So I'm not going to tell you that you need to push that pain and anguish away, because I know how difficult that is, and I know you've been trying to recover for a long time.

"But I am going to tell you this. No matter how much pain and anxiety you are feeling now, or will ever feel in the future, I am going to be there for you, and you are going to use me to be your solid rock when you feel like things are slipping away. I'm telling you right now that nothing you can do or say will cause me to leave you or think less of you. So you might as well get used to the fact that even though you think you want me to go away right now, I'm not going anywhere. Since I'm staying put, you might as well use me for the rock I can be for you, the strength you need to help you through this news today."

Anna stared at him for a moment, as if trying to process his words and developing the appropriate response. She didn't expect comments like this to come from Eric, but she could see that he wasn't just saying them to try to make her feel better. He was saying them because he genuinely cared for her and was willing to stick with her for as long as she'd let him.

"Why, Eric? Why do you want to be with me, when I'm obviously carrying all of this baggage around? I don't know if I will ever be able to completely forget about what happened to me. That means there's likely to be more days like this when something sets me off and I struggle."

Eric smiled. "Why? Here's why -- because I fell in love with you even though I knew you were carrying around the baggage, and it didn't scare me away then, so why would it scare me away now? Anna, I've seen all the good things about you -- you're gentle and caring; you're beautiful and smart; and most importantly, you love me, and I kind of like knowing that you do! I know there have been many good days between us, so let me help you put bad days like today behind you so that we can enjoy the good days.

"When I think of you, I don't think about what happened before I knew you, although I certainly know the impact it had on you. Instead, I think about how wonderful today is, and how much better tomorrow is going to be, for tomorrow is another day with you that lets our love for each other grow that much more. It doesn't seem like it can get any better than today, but it always does. And I want to be there for that -- with you, all the way to forever."

Anna sat up and lunged for Eric, hugging him as her tears flowed. She held onto him for several minutes, sobbing into his chest, as if she was afraid to let go. Eric didn't say a word. He knew that what she needed most right now was his strong presence, and there were no words that could add to the strength she was feeling from being in his arms.

Kim and Janice had peeked into Anna's room to see how she was doing. As they backed out, Kim looked at Eric and smiled, silently mouthing the words "Thank you" before they slipped out of sight. Eric had more he wanted to tell them, but he knew that he was staying with Anna for as long as she needed him. As they closed the door behind them, Eric turned all his attention back to his girlfriend. He could hear her breathing begin to slow, and he knew the worst of it was over for Anna.

Anna looked up at Eric and said, "Thank you for understanding. I'm having a hard time with wanting to keep you away from the problems this caused me. I guess since it happened before I met you, I feel like that it shouldn't be something you need to be concerned with. But I know that's stupid. It's just going to take me a while to believe that myself."

Eric smiled and kissed her on the tip of her nose. "I understand, as long as you understand that I'm in love with all of you, not just the parts that have happened after we met. I want you to let me help you through this -- even these times when the flashbacks wrack your mind. I think those are the times that you many need me most, if you'll let me be here when they happen."

They kissed -- this time on the lips -- before Anna looked at Eric with a look of concern on her face. "I know this is probably a little farther than we've gone with each other before, but I hope you'll understand why I'm going to ask this. Would you stay with me the rest of the day? I feel like I could use your strength to help me through."

Eric smiled. "That doesn't seem forward to me, my love. Of course I'll stay with you."

Anna shook her head. "I mean more than just staying with me. Eric, would you lay in bed with me and just hold me? I feel so much better now that you're here, and if you wouldn't mind, I think having you close to me will continue to help."

She pulled back the blankets on her bed. Eric took off his shoes, and then slipped in under the blankets with her. They both lay on their sides, facing each other, and Anna buried her head into Eric's shoulders. They lay there without talking for a little while, and soon Eric realized that Anna had gone to sleep. He gently put his arm around her and held her, just like she had asked. It wasn't sexual in any respect, but the emotions he felt as he held her made this moment one of the most special in his life.

The only sound disturbing the silence of the moment was her soft breathing as she continued to sleep. Eric pondered the situation -- not only with this new incident that brought anguish to the girl he loved, but the relationship as a whole. He knew that it was complicated being with a girl who had been through so much pain and terror. Theirs certainly could not be called a "normal" relationship. But he also realized that while the route to get to this point may have been slow and deliberate, it also allowed them to know each other more deeply than a couple who may have started out being sexual with each other and then took the time to learn more about the heart and soul of their partner.

He loved the close contact with Anna -- holding hands, hugging and kissing, and feeling her laying her head on his shoulder, much like at that moment. He knew that at some point in time, he wanted to expand their relationship to include a sexual component, and he honestly didn't have any idea how long it would take before they were ready for that. But with the intimacy he was feeling as he held her while she slept, he didn't see how adding sex to where they were right now could make it that much better, since he felt so close and loving to her as he protected her from the demons that were in play in her mind.

If it took another month, he was good with that. If it took a year, he really felt that just being with her and loving her and knowing that she loved him back was what he needed more than sex, and he knew she would feel the same way. It was at that moment that he began to make formal plans to ask Anna to marry him. It was that moment more than any other that showed him that he would never be able to live without her, no matter what her special needs might be in the future.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving break could not have come quickly enough for Eric. Holiday music program preparations at both the high school and elementary school level had been hectic. He knew that the most attended musical performances were those that occurred during the holidays, so he wanted to make sure his students performed at their peak ability. Having a five day break from school was important to give him a time to preserve his sanity and build up the stamina needed to survive until winter break started right before Christmas.

But the break was also going to allow him to spend the five days with his beloved Anna. She had been fortunate to have her request granted to take time off that was equal to Eric's break. They planned to spend a quiet day before Thanksgiving together at his apartment. He had asked Anna if she wanted a complete Thanksgiving meal, knowing that she loved to have him cook for her. But she was content with eating regular food, not wanting Eric to have to go to any special trouble for her. They planned on visiting her mom's house on Thanksgiving Day, and his parents and sister and her family on Friday. There would be plenty of food served at those gatherings, so a day of light meals would be the best.

They had made plans for this weekend in advance, so they could do all the things they needed to do. Anna actually had to work until 7:00 a.m. on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Often when she worked nights, she and Eric would hardly get to see each other, since she worked a 12 hour shift and needed pretty much all of her off time for sleep. Eric didn't have school on that Wednesday, so he was going to pick her up from work and bring her to his apartment to sleep, since Kim and Janice had told them that they were going out of town for a couple of days to visit Kim's parents. That way Anna would not have to worry about being in their house alone.