Coming Together

"Yeah, I know. Money's not my big worry at the moment, it's how people will react, what will I tell them? My kids, what do I say, how do I explain it? They'll ask about the father; I don't know...I just don't know." She lowered her face into her hands, suppressing a sob. She felt her eyes welling up. Then she felt the comforting feel of Palmer's hand on her back.

"Tell them the truth. When push comes to shove, people tend to be a lot more understanding than you'd think." She looked at him and shook her head. "No, really, I had a cousin went away to college and came back pregnant after one semester. My uncle was a self-righteous, sanctimonious bastard; everyone figured he'd kill her. Funny thing is, he rallied around her, turned out his daughter and his future grandson were more important to him than his puritanical principles."

"It's not the same; I'm old enough to know better. This can't be chalked up to a youthful indiscretion." She appreciated his concern, but didn't think he really understood her problem.

"I assume you've thought of the obvious solution?"

"I couldn't, I can't." Even talking about abortion made her uncomfortable. "I don't have it in me to do that, I won't."

"Well anyway, as I said, you've got friends. Don't be afraid to lean on us. Another thing, that old saying that it's darkest before the dawn is more than just a cliché, it's a fact; you may find you've blown this whole thing out of proportion."

As he walked away, Ellen tried sorting out what he'd said in her mind. She saw the truth in it, but still didn't feel any better. She felt trapped and saw no way out. Returning to her work, she managed to push the whole thing to the back of her mind temporarily. Later that afternoon she ran into alone Palmer again in a service elevator.

"Ellen, look, I've been thinking about this. It seems to me like the thing that's bothering you is explaining how you got pregnant more so than the fact that you are pregnant. Is that close to it?"

"I guess that's kind of it. It's part of it anyway, yes."

"Well, just blame me. Problem solved."

"What? What do you mean?" There was a confused tone in her voice. "I'm not sure I understand."

"Look, you don't want the involve this young guy, and you sure as hell don't want to sound like you jumped into bed with some stranger who's name you never knew. So, say it was me. We've been friends for a long time, we've gone out together in the past, and friends sometimes do, uh, get cozy. People will buy it and at least you'll have that little piece of the problem off your back, not to mention your mind."

Bewildered, Ellen stood staring up at him. She actually saw some logic to it, however it didn't seem right. It would be dragging someone else into her mess. She would have to think about this. And she did think about it, the only trouble was the more she thought about it the more embarrassed she became for even considering it. While his offer seemed to be the height of generosity, it occurred to her accepting it would be the very definition of selfishness. She crossed another option off her list.

Later that evening she felt the need to call Palmer. She wanted to thank him and let him know how much she'd appreciated his offer, although she couldn't accept it. Fishing through her address book, she found his number and dialed, not too sure what she should say. She nervously waited, listening to the dial tone. Finally he picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Palmer, it's Ellen."

"Oh, hey, what's up kid?"

"Look, I've been thinking over your offer and I can't do it. I don't want people thinking you're responsible for my little problem."

"Well, it's your decision, but the offer still stands. If you change your mind, just let me know. I don't really care if anyone thinks I'm responsible and acted like a rat bastard."

"I care, you're not a bastard, if you were you wouldn't be trying to help. I don't want to make you look like one. It was a kind offer and I won't repay it by wrecking your reputation."

"Who says you'd be wrecking it? People might start looking at me as some kind of over aged lady killer; Rudolf Valentino, Errol Flynn, Warren Beatty, and now me." The joking tone in his voice set her at ease.

"Sorry killer, but I don't think your reputation as a stud would get much of a bump by listing me as a conquest."

"Don't sell yourself short. I'll bet your young man is missing you tonight."

She remembered the look of disappointment on Ted's face when she told him it was over. Perhaps Palmer was right; perhaps she was more of a catch than she'd thought. Either way, she was flattered and felt it was a nice thing for him to say. It also lightened the mood slightly, something she needed badly.

"Look, Palmer, I don't think I can tell you just how much I appreciate all this, but I really do. I can't thank you enough, but I really can't do it. I guess I'm going to have to face up to it alone. Time to face the music."

"Anything I can do to help, let me know. Just remember, you're not really alone, it just seems that way. It's like I keep telling you, you've got friends, don't forget that."

From that point on, she began to look at Palmer in a different light. She no longer saw him as just a work friend, but as something closer, more intimate; a personal ally. She began spending more and more time with him at work, lunching together, talking, just being around each other. She felt a warmth for him that she'd never felt in the past though she didn't quite understand why. All she knew was she was relaxed and comfortable around him. It was an addictive feeling, she wanted more.

We can't always help what thoughts drift into our minds, and Ellen was no exception. In the week that followed, she found herself wondering would she have refused if he had gone one step farther, offered to not only take the blame for her pregnancy but to have her move in with him or even marry her and raise the child as their own. She knew it was a selfish, one sided idea and she would push it from her mind every time it popped up. The problem was it continued to pop up and the more it did, she found herself wishing it could happen. She knew, however, she was hoping for too much.

Wishing was all well and good, but it didn't help her find a solution. What she didn't know was nature was about to take a cruel hand in all this and issue an unwanted answer to her dilemma. Waking up with a back pain one morning after a restless night's sleep, she chalked it up to sleeping in an awkward position. There was a queasy feeling in her stomach which she assumed was an early bout of morning sickness; something she would have to get used to. Then she felt the first cramp, mild, followed quickly by a second, more severe. She knew instinctively what was happening before any more symptoms appeared, miscarriage; she was losing the baby.

Panic was now setting in. Rushing to her purse, she pulled out her cell phone, quickly calling 911. After what seemed to her to be an eternity, she heard a dispassionate voice.

"County emergency system, what is the nature of your emergency?"

"I need an ambulance," she sobbed, "I think I'm having a miscarriage."

"Your name and address please." Ellen blurted out the information in an anxious voice. "And how far along is your pregnancy?"

"Eight weeks, what difference does it make?"

"Please be calm ma'am, what are your symptoms?"

"Cramps, bad ones, belly pains. Please is there someone coming?"

"An ambulance is being dispatched; do you have any medical condition we should know about?"

"Yes, God damn it, I'm pregnant and having a miscarriage." Her voice was now hysterical.

"Calm down ma'am, we're trying to help you. Are you on any medication, prescribed or otherwise?"

"No! No more damn silly questions. Please get somebody here."

"Ma'am, an ambulance is on its way, I'm trying to help, but if you can't calm yourself and start getting abusive, I'll have to hang up. Now do you want that?"

"The ambulance has been dispatched?"

"That is correct, it should be there shortly. Now would you like me to stay on the line with you or are you all right on your own?"

Angry now, she pressed the hang up button. Instantly she regretted it; even the dispatcher's indifferent voice was better than being left to wait alone. She hit the contacts list on her phone, scanned down the names, stopping at Palmer. She pressed dial and waited.

"Hello?"

"Palmer, it's me, Ellen. Thank God you're there." Her voice sounded panicky even to herself.

"Ellen what's the matter? Are you all right?"

"No, I'm going to the hospital, I'm losing the baby." She paused slightly. "Please don't hang up, not until the ambulance gets here. I'm scared."

"I'm not going anywhere. What hospital are you going to?"

"Central Medical, I guess. Oh, Johnny, I didn't want this to happen, honest I didn't. I didn't want it to end this way." She didn't realize this was the first time in years she had called him by his given name.

"I know you didn't, but don't go there. Sit down on the floor, take a few deep breaths. Just try to take it easy. I'm not going to tell you to relax, but you've got to try to. Don't fight it, it'll be all right. Remember that, it'll be all right."

Hearing his voice helped, she began to get some control over herself. She went back to her purse and got her wallet containing her ID and insurance cards. Then moved carefully to the door, unlocked it, sat down on the floor near it.

"Palmer, are you still there? Keep talking, it helps, please."

"Still here Ellie, I'm not leaving until the paramedics are there."

"Thank you, oh God thank you. Tell them something at work. Say I had severe stomach pains or something? Just let them know. Sorry to be such a bother."

"It's no bother, honey, it's what friends do. How are you doing now?"

"Better, it's just that I..." She was interrupted by the knock on the door, followed by a voice.

"Miss Reilly? Ambulance service."

"Come in, door's unlocked." Then to Palmer, "Johnny, they're here, I have to hang up. Thank you, thank you so much."

The mere presence of the paramedics had a relaxing effect on her. She felt her breathing slowing down and a sensation of fatigue overwhelmed her as the stress faded. Their easy demeanor and pleasant chit chat between questions was reassuring. When they placed her on the transport stretcher and wheeled her out into the hallway she was feeling better. Once outside, between the building and the ambulance, in the fresh air, she began to think that perhaps she'd been wrong; maybe it had been indigestion or the flu. Once loaded, on the trip to the hospital however, she began to hemorrhage. There was no doubt now, she'd been right, she lost the baby. The feeling of fatigue was replaced by helplessness. She'd never felt so frail and weak; she was going into shock.

The Emergency Room was a blur to her. Upon arrival they assured her the worst was over. The pregnancy had self-terminated, but there was no danger to her health. Nurses, technicians, interns came and went, cleaned her up, probed her, took vital signs, but all repeated the worst was over, don't worry, everything would be all right. Ellen didn't care she laid in the bed in the small cubical feeling small and lost. An intern came in and told her that her doctor had been notified and he wanted her to stay in the hospital for a day, possibly two for observation, a couple of tests, and possibly to talk to a counselor. Ellen merely nodded, too exhausted to respond. An admissions nurse slipped into her cubical.

"Ellen, your step brother is out in the waiting room, he'd like to come back to see you. Is that all right with you?"

"My step brother?" There was a confused tone to her voice.

"Yes, your step brother, John Palmer. He concerned about you, should I send him back?"

"Oh, John, yes, of course. I'm sorry I just didn't..." Her voice trailed off. She didn't know what to say.

Actually, she didn't have to say anything. The nurse gave her a knowing smile and nodded her head. She was used to friends passing themselves off as relatives in order to see patients in the ER. She also believed a friend at a time like this was worth more to the patient than all their medical reassurances and had learned a long time ago to turn a blind eye to the situation.

The effects were immediate when she saw Palmer came into the cubical. For the first time that morning there was a trace of a smile on her face. However small and vague it might be, it was a smile none the less; she was glad to see a familiar face. She extended her hand out towards him. When he took it she pulled it close to her, clutching it with both hands in front of her throat.

"Thanks for coming, you really didn't need to, but I'm glad you did, so glad."

"I didn't want to think of you here all alone, so I told them at work I was taking a couple of hours to check on you. They thought it was a good idea. Everyone's concerned." Then, after an awkward pause, "So, how're doing, kid?"

"I'm OK, I guess. They tell me this is all routine, fairly common, nothing to worry about."

"Well, that's good to hear."

"Yeah, the problem is it's not routine to me. It scared the God damned hell out of me. I'm still a nervous wreck."

"That's understandable, I'm nervous just being here."

The small smile slowly spread across her face as she began to relax. She squeezed his hand tightly for a second or two, then released it. She was calming down now. Just having a friend with her helped her bring it all into perspective. Other women have gone through this, it's a part of life, granted one of the nastier parts, but fairly common. The feelings of grief and loss were still with her, but fear had left. Ellen didn't know it at the time, but she'd taken the first step on the path to recovery.

"So, any idea how long you're going to be here?"

"Till either tomorrow or the day after, I'm not sure. They want to run some tests, I guess. I think part of it is because I live alone, they don't want to ship me out too fast. Right now I'm waiting for a room to become available."

"Kind of makes sense, in an inconvenient way."

"Perhaps, I don't know. Hey, what did you tell them at work, anyway?"

"Just that you woke up with severe abdominal pain and called an ambulance."

"Good, thanks. Any more questions, tell them it's some sort of ovarian cyst. That's what I'm going with, that's what I'm telling my kids. The hospital has a patient confidentiality policy, so nobody can check. Hate to lie, but it's probably for the best."

"Yeah, besides, it's really not anybody else's business anyhow."

"Thanks, Johnny. You don't think my attitude, you know worrying about it and all could have caused this, do you?"

"God, Ellen, don't even think it, don't do that to yourself. It just happened, that's all. You're not old, but you not a kid anymore, these things happen in middle aged pregnancies. It's just a bad break, bad luck, that's all. Don't be so hard on yourself."

Her smile widened, but it was a sad smile none the less. She felt her lower lip tremble slightly as she grabbed his hand again. Squeezing it once more, then pulling it up to her lips and kissing the back of it.

"Johnny, I can't tell you what a comfort you've been to me, today and all through this. I think I'd be lost without you."

"Nonsense, you'd get along fine. You're tougher than you realize."

His free hand did something with her hair, she couldn't tell if he was smoothing it out or brushing it off her forehead, but she liked it. She noticed he had a knack of saying and doing the right things at the right time to make her feel better. But now she was worried about monopolizing his time. She didn't want to wear out her welcome.

"Like I said, I can't tell you how glad I am that you came, but you should really go back to work, I'll be all right now, but that damned hotel might just fall apart with both of us off the job. We can't have that."

"No, I guess not. You sure you're all right?" She nodded her head. "OK, if you need anything, don't hesitate, just call."

"I will, thanks."

He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. She raised her head slightly and kissed him on the cheek. Wordlessly, he slowly turned and walked away. Pausing at the edge of the cubical, he turned and waved at her, and then he was gone. Ellen was alone again, but oddly didn't feel alone. It's good to have friends, she thought to herself, and she was just beginning to realize how good a friend she had in Palmer.

It was almost an hour before she was moved to a room. The rest of the day was spent waiting for one test after another. Between the probing and prodding she managed to call her children, telling them she was in because of the "ovarian cyst". She really did dislike lying but she refused to tell whole embarrassing story; Mommy got knocked up by a twenty year old. There was also a twinge of guilt because she had not called them first in the morning, but Palmer had been the only one who knew the whole story.

They all trooped in just before the evening meal bearing flowers and candy; her son with his wife and her daughter. Her daughter said her husband wanted to come along, but they couldn't find a babysitter. Ellen felt a twinge of sorrow at the mention of her grandson, a reminder of what she had just lost. She realized then that this whole business was going to haunt her for a long while. Perhaps the doctor had been right when he'd recommended she talk to a counselor. She decided she would talk with him about it when he came in tomorrow.

Aside from all that, she was glad to see them. Talking and joking with her family helped take her mind off of her problems. Palmer may have been right when he'd told her things are seldom as bad as they seem. Funny, she thought, he seems to have been right about a lot of things. It also struck her as funny that he kept popping up in her thoughts, but then again, she had been so very dependent on him these last couple of weeks. So maybe it was natural to think about him.

When the meal came, they all made bad jokes about "hospital food" while Ellen picked at her tray. Halfway through her meal, there was a knock at the door. Looking up, she saw Palmer standing in the door way. There was a ceramic vase of Roses in one hand and a large envelope in the other. She broke into a grin, a real one this time, not like the weak, vague ones of this morning.

"Johnny, hi!"

"Just dropped by to check on you, I didn't know you'd have a full house. I brought some flowers in case your room needed some brightening up. It looks like you don't really need them."

"Like hell I don't." She held her arms out, gesturing with her fingers. "Fork 'em over, buddy."

He came over and handed them to her. Taking them, she inhaled their fragrance.

"A girl can never have too many flowers, silly boy." She looked up at him with an open mouth smile.

"Especially from a handsome stranger", said her daughter-in-law, jokingly.

"Oh, John Palmer, this is my son Patrick and his wife Annie, and over on this side of the bed is my daughter Jan."

Palmer leaned across the bed and shook hands with Patrick and Annie, then turned and shook Jan's hand, looking at her face.

"Lucky girl, you've inherited your mother's looks."

Jan smiled brightly, it was obvious what he meant, the dimples in her cheeks matched her mother's exactly. She looked at her mother whose head was slightly lowered, lips pressed tightly, trying unsuccessfully to suppress her smile. Annie sat also smiling, her eyes traveling between Ellen and Palmer.

"Oh, you are good. You flattered both of them with one sentence. Look, they're both blushing." She then looked at Palmer, tipped her head theatrically, "Smooth, verrry smooth." She held two fingers up to her eyebrow in a mock salute.