Cunts and Watercress

You either love it or hate it.

Me? I'm an old fashioned kind'a Gal from Southern USA who thinks nepotism is par for the course. It's like turning up at the golf course without a partner and the course pro offering you a eighteen stroke head start 'cos of the size of my rack, he said it woz 'cos a my handicap.

I'm a novice (at golf). My 42-inch DD tits have nothing to do with it.

Naturally, I swing.

Hell... it's unavoidable. It's not just that they (my 42 inch DD tits) stick out a mile. I've got a very narrow back. Mickey... the guy at the gas pump... he can span his fingers across my back. I know because I've sucked on them, but that's another story. Truth is they is more like 48 FF's is ya allow for the sublime s l e n d e r n e s s twixt my shoulder blades.

The long and the short of it is I really struggle with the driver, I'm ok on the irons, but the driver... the Lord knows I's tried. I dunno' maybe it's the extra weight on the swollen head, but I cannot take a driver. God knows I've tried. I've tried from ever position. I've tried with every type of head. I've been down over a pristine glossy four wood, I suckered a one wood an 'nuffin gets my goat more than a carbon fibred shaft topped by shiny walnut nobbed head that barely rocks my marble. Hell... who needs guys and their slick tools if my marble ain't gonna' be a poppin! Me... I prefer the muffin.

So the pro... let's call him... Rod... Well good ol' Rod, he watches me drive off wiv' my one iron on the 534 yard first hole.

I shanked it.

He made me noivous for Christ's sake.

He's standin' right behind me... BENDING DOWN... so he says... so he could see my strike through the ball -- Yeh, Yeh... we all known's what he was fuckin' gawping at. Is my fault all my panties are in the dry cleaners???

Fuck, a gal's gotta clean her panties some time... though I admit, I should have more than one pair. HEY bitch...you never gone out commando? Fuck me... well that happen's as well. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT... bitch!

I'm in a bunker about fifty or so yards from the tee... on the eighteenth tee! Talk about fuckin' embarrassing!

So Rod (sic)... give 'im his dues... he don't laugh. He says, 'Ya' grip's all wrong, Hun'.

"What's 'wiv the fuckin' HONEY," I say's. "I ain't ya' fuckin' HONEY! I ain't even sticky!"

"Y'a sure am sticky from where I's lookin', Honey."

"Y'a keep y'a fuckin eyes on y'a balls," I say's, laughin' like a kookaburra (an Aussie bird... I got it from Crocodile Dundee).Australia is in Erupe in'it? Mickey say's it's a fuckin' island in the South fuckin' Pacific. He's a dick head... that Mickey.

"Grip me shaft." He say's. (Rod... not Mickey)

"What 'ere? Christ... we's only on the first tee!"

"Fuckin' driver club shaft!" Rod snorts.

"Ooohh... no need to be so fuckin' Preppy!" Say's me, reaching around him and taking his shaft firmly between my glowing fingers. (Nice gal's don't sweat!)

"Now...," say's Rod, "wrap your fingers around my shaft as if you were holding..."

"your prick?" I ask... shyly... (Ok... I lied... I'm not sure I's shy... so sue me!)

Rod groaned.

"Is that too tight?"

"Na..." he squealed.

"Good... " I sighed. "With twice the force... I'm sure you'll get twice the thrust and you'll be able to stick it down there... a hell of a long way... Christ Almighty... You might even get it in the hole."

Well... There was no way Rod was going to get a hole-in-one. Are you joking... it was 534 yards for Christ's sake! Plenty of guy's have said my hands is magical but there's no way even I can get guy to shoot that distance.

He ended up in the bunker.

By the eighteenth green.

His ball came to rest adjacent (oooohhh) to mine.

Yes... he shanked it.

Just like mine.

A pair of shanked balls buried in the deepest bunker on eighteen hole of a golf course just outside Valentine, in Nebraska.

I suppose you want to know if I fucked him.

Well?????

Of course I fucked him on the eighteenth hole fairway bunker (sic).

He fucked me missionary... hell... it's Nebraska for fuck's sake, gotta stay within the Law!

Then I fucked him Reverse Cowboy. Fuck Nebraska!

The he fucked me Cowboy. Fuckin' Fuck Nebraska!!

Then we tried Fellatio, but he needed a fuckin' instruction manual. Jesus Christ, what is it with these guys from Nebraska?

He said to me, "What's in it for me if I go down on you?"

"Sand you cunt."

I laughed like a fuckin' kookaburra.

(That's an Australian bird -- not a Sheila -- but the feathered kind)

If I've brought at 42 inch DD titter... please vote, or at least register a 48 inch FF disapproval.

Author: Bollocks R US -- a US Senate approved slander on the fair state of Nebraska. Authors rights protected by condom. Not to be taken internally, which include thinking parts of the brain... such as they are.

NB: Please note that Nebraska prohibits same sex intercourse before the age of seventeen. Could somebody please inform my 'Auntie' who seems to believe that such exclusion was bestowed upon her shortly after my Mother met an unfortunate demise on confrontation with the 53rd Heavy Rifle Division during manoeuvres for preparation for forced entry into Afghanistan during the winter of 2012. My Mother's last words were. "Allah be Praised... Here come the Heavies... with cocked... uhhhh"

The above is brought to you by courtesy of the Might Is Right Corporation ©, a division of Hell I Burkon International ©, a Dinsey Production ©, All Rights Protected by MachineGun International ©, and Valentine!!!! YouMustBeFuckingJoking Inc ©, a The Iraq Inkquery Production © UK Glovenment -- Zimbabwee, the South Pacific Republic of Kookabarra (Protect thy National Bird) Ltd.

Failure to vote WILL BE RECORDED and may count against you in the Final Judgement scheduled to be held when HellFreezesOver or when Global Warming is proved to be a mathematical error, which might be a week on Tuesday (2nd February 2010) give or take a few days. Have a Happy Valentines Day if the above proves to be an approximation.

Fuck knows.

Get it! Fuck Nose -- Nasal Sex -- Dolphins Hard On -- Well I'll be Blowed!

As opposed to Aural Sex which is... listening to Dolphins?????????

I'm of for a tuna sandwich... on rye... with mayo... and maybe watercress... if we have any, which I somehow doubt... because unless I (42 inch DD's) do the shopping, there is never any watercress... Fuckin' Rob... Mickey... dicks!

Anyway... I met this flat chested girl, Amy, at the check out in Walmart on Linden Street, in Nebraska... she couldn't have been more than a 32 A cup. Tiny! You betcha' and cute. I was buying watercress... fuckin' Rob... fuckin Mickey... ass chasers the pair of 'em. Anyway... flat as a fuckin' pancake Amy, broad hips... which kinda made ya' feel there'd be sum'at to hang onto... gets sorta' frisky wiv' me at the check-out... Ya' know... kinda... 'Yeh...' and... 'As if...' and kinda... 'Juiced like a damp rag...' and 'Yeh... you and whose army...! Fuck yooouuu, Baaabbbee'... 'Clamp on this if ya dare...!!! Cunt' Anyway... Cunt did it... Hey! I don't do 42 DD's (48 FF's on a good day) for nufin'. Parking lot!!!! Me. Amy.

Fuckin' Lot.

Have you ever fucked a bunch of watercress? Com'on seriously?

Have you ever fucked a bunch of fuckin' watercress?

I gotta tell ya'... the juice from a fingering and tonguing a bunch a watercress is an experience not to be denied.

Now... I know ya' gotta be clever wiv' watercress... gotta be clean streams and all that bollocks 'cos a liver flukes and all those fuckin' parasites the fuckin' Al Pyjama infected the good ol' USA wiv' but fuck me... the bitter sweet, sweet, sweet taste of a cunt wiv' watercress is equivalent to the fuckin' Lord's Prayer... or Marta Fuckin' Stewart's fuckin' Chocolate Log fuckin' Christmas Supreme.

I tell ya'... blow a cunt wiv watercress... Sublime Pie is way, way, way better than Key Lime Pie... here's the recipe:

I cunt:

Preferably seventeen like Amy, don't be tempted to use a cunt more than twenty unless you are prepared to tenderise, in which case, you will require the service of most of the men in street where you live.

I bunch of watercress:

Pick fresh... I know this is difficult but believe me when I tell you freshness makes a difference. I get mine from a running stream near where I live, but fuck me (if you can, LOL -- I'm available through Tuesday to Thursday) Walmarts isn't bad (on Tuesday's... avoid Monday what ever you do... and if the leaves are yellowing come Thursday, tell her it's Chinese watercress!)

Place watercress in cunt: stalks first.

I know this goes against the grain and as sure as eggs is eggs she'll start bucking and heaving just from the stroke of the stalks against her (imagined) virginal passage... look... not many girls have been fucked with a bunch of weeds... but persist... tell her it's a Jewish fuckin' right of passage... she won't know the difference (if she's Jewish, your not gonna get in there anyway unless it's a Holy fuckin' Day!)

So what you're lookin' at is a beautiful glistening pink cunt ((or black if you are really lucky) avoid brown... black edged is OK as long as you can guarantee provenance) with a whole bunch of gorgeous round leaves sticking out.

Munch.

Like a Bull.

Munch.

Get closer to the aroma of heaven... cunt juice and watercress.

I guarantee you are dribbling.

I guarantee she's dribbling. (If she's screaming... slap her around bit and tell her you are Jewish)

Munch closer.

Munch much closer (don't bite flesh... THAT CAN ONLY END IN DISASTER)

Munch...munch... slurp.

OK... once the slurping begins... ya' need to get a fuckin' move on or she'll drown you.

CHOICES: Vacuum pump and consolatory words,

Or,

Lap like fuck and hope to drown or find the breaststroke to the surface. (Scientific research has shown that breast stroking -- on any female*** less than a 36 C cup -- will reduce 'female ejaculation'! I know... it's filthy word but needs must! Fuck me (I'm available through Tuesday to Thursday) it's a sacrifice*** but, Hell, women and children first.****

All in all, I wish you an absolutely cunt-astic or prick-alistic Valentines Day, I only wish that all the cunts I have known will turn up at my doorstep, sprig of watercress in hand, and invite me to celebrate the onset of Spring knowing their cunts will have been delicately, savoured, nuzzled, imbibed, and sprightly invigorated for the rigours of the Summer ahead.

Happy licking, cunt-aholics, regardless of sex (hopefully male... females please sign in after the competition closes.

I remain, as once describe, the best tongue and fingers in the world... Will.

*** Does not work on females from Manhattan!!!

**** Titanic moto -- not to be trusted!!