Deep Talks (With Anal)

"Thanks. I try."

"Kasey?"

"I'm tryin' to leave you be, you know."

"I know. Just... do you really have a thing for your brother?"

"How gross do you think it is if I do?"

"I think it explains a lot. That's all."

"Well... I do. Xan was my first crush. And somehow, maybe, still my only one."

"Ah."

"It sucks. I don't recommend it."

"It hasn't gone away at all?"

"Not the way you'd hope. I dunno. You were the closest to ever pushing me into something more normal, but I don't wanna lie and pretend like I would have been able to love you properly. I don't know that I can with anyone. Even with Xan. If he'd ever loved me back like that... shit, I mighta just fucked that up too. Maybe it's better to stay a fantasy. Maybe I'm broken, and that's as good as it gets."

"I don't think you're broken."

"I am. It's only a question of how badly. And whether I can maybe be put back together. I mean, I'm already more whole than I ever was. You helped some."

"Oh. Well... good."

"Mmhm. Night, Brendan. Thanks for everything."

"Oh sure."

I stepped quickly out the door and shut it behind me, leaving Brendan alone. In the aftermath, I felt kind of stupid for ever trying.

It wasn't stupid. It was good. We were on the same page, basically. It sucked losing what we had. And I could have kept it going if I'd been more restrained. But maybe it was better that it didn't go any longer. Maybe getting everything out of it that I had was good enough.

It didn't really help in the moment. I'd tried to hold it together in front of Brendan. Not let him see the hurt in me.

Because it did hurt. It was good. It was adult. It was responsible. Nothing bad had happened. I didn't blame either of us. It was the way things had to be.

But goddamn it hurt. It was a rejection. It was the closest thing to a relationship I felt like I'd ever been in. And it was over. Probably. Definitely? No. Probably.

I went to Lily. I didn't know what else to do.

With her, I didn't ask. I'd never slept with her before, but asking just felt like I'd open myself up to double rejection, and that was too much for my poor heart this night.

Lily had been asleep already, but I woke her up trying to sneak into bed with her. I only knew I had because once I'd settled, she rolled toward me and put an arm around me.

"What happened?" she whispered.

"I fucked up. No. I didn't, actually. Kinda I did. I don't know. But Brendan and I are done."

"Ah. Fuck, dude."

"Yeah."

Lily squeezed me tighter. "That sucks. He was good for you, I think."

"I think so too. But I could never give him what he deserved."

"You don't know that."

"I do. I wasn't going to love him. Not the way he should be."

"Maybe not. But you know that's kinda the point of relationships. You chill for a while and see if love happens. Forcing it or needing to already be there, that's missing the point."

"... you think I should have tried?"

"I really don't know. I'm just saying if you never really try, you'll never really know."

"Huh. Maybe. Yeah. I guess."

"Sleep on it, ok? Whatever happened with you two, I'm sure if you want to talk again in the morning Brendan will listen. He's a good guy."

"He really is. Better than I deserve, probably."

"You stop that. Don't be mean to yourself just 'cause you're feeling bad."

"Sorry."

"Go to sleep. You'll feel better tomorrow."

"Ok."

It took me a while. Lily was back to sleep long before I was. But being next to her, feeling her comforting presence, listening to her breathing, it helped. It allowed to me to calm down and eventually join her in slumber.

****

"So, uh, we're setting a date."

I clenched my fist so tight it hurt, but under the table so it didn't show. "Of course you are."

"I pushed it to next spring. I said spring weddings seem like the best. Beth went for it."

"Uh huh."

"She... she'd like you to be a bridesmaid."

The knot inside me squeezed tighter. "I can't."

"I mean... it's not that big a thing. Just gotta show up for a few things. Get some pictures."

"Look happy?"

"Well... ideally, yeah."

"Xan, you know I can't."

"It's most of a year away. Maybe it'll be ok by then?"

"It won't."

"Oh."

"I can live with you getting married. That's fine. But it's gonna make me sick just being there, let alone being part of it."

Xander sighed. "You know, at some point you're gonna have to get over this whole thing."

"Fuck you."

"Kase-"

"No, seriously. You think I haven't tried? You know I've tried. You don't take me seriously, I get that."

"I do."

"You don't. You'd think it would have been long enough now that you'd get it. But you don't. It's just something silly to you. Like I'll grow out of it. I'm fucking broken, Xan. Always have been. I can't just, like, be normal. I can't do it. I'm all fucked up."

"No, Kase. You think I don't take you seriously? I do. I just don't see you the way you do. I don't think you're broken. You never have been."

"Twenty-three and never had a real, functional relationship. What do you call that?"

"If you think everyone's running around having functional relationships, that might be your problem. Hardly anyone does."

"Who are you kidding? Everyone's always finding someone they like. Everyone. You do it lots. Or you did, before Beth."

Xander snorted. "Nah, Kase. Why do you think I've stayed with Beth so long? The other girls I was with... those relationships would not have been healthy to stay in."

"You seemed fine with them at the time."

"Yeah. For a time. You see people getting in all these relationships and think they've got it figured out? They bounce between people specifically because they don't have it figured out. They're trying desperately to be happy. To find someone who makes them happy. And it's not working. They aren't winning the race. They're still trying to find which direction to run in."

I sat back, stunned at the torrent of words flooding from Xander's mouth and the sheer intensity of them.

"You go in so pessimistic," Xander continued. "I've seen it. And that's not great. But honestly, it doesn't put you any further behind anyone else, really. Going in thinking you've found the one when you haven't isn't better than going in assuming it's all doomed to failure. Neither's good, don't get me wrong, but you're not in such a bad place."

"But aren't... aren't they, like, going in with a chance, though? A chance at being normal. I don't even have that."

"Maybe it'll work out if you find the right guy. Who's to say?"

"There only ever was one. And he's getting married."

"You haven't met even a decent fraction of the guys out there, Kase."

"Yeah. Obviously. No one can. You can only meet who you can meet. Only so much you can do." I sighed miserably. "This idea of there being 'the one' out there never made sense. Like how are you gonna find them in a billion other people? It's an even more cruel joke for me 'cause I did, and he's my brother. And it's bad and stupid and I'm surprised you still put up with it, really."

"Don't say that."

"Well really, though."

"I need you in my life. I've got no one else to tell all this fucked up stuff about me. And it matters more than you know that whatever else happens, you care about me."

"But... you're not broken. You're all normal and all like 'can't fuck my sister, durrrr.'"

"Why'd you give me a stupid voice? That's a perfectly sensible thing to say."

"Maybe it shouldn't be, ever think of that? You say people are being all dumb and shit and have no idea which way to run? Maybe they shouldn't be so uptight about who's right for them."

"So just... boink your sib if it feels right?"

"Why not?"

"I really don't think I have a sufficient grasp of philosophy to delve too deeply into that one."

"Well if you figure it out, get back to me. In the meantime, I think I got somewhere I need to be."

"You think?"

I stood up and stretched, trying to release some lingering tension. "Yeah. I think. It may all go horribly. But on the other hand, probably can't make it any worse."

"... you've got me intrigued, but I have the feeling you're not gonna tell me what this is about."

"Correct." I hugged Xander tight. Despite having my mind basically made up, I still needed to feel him for a moment. To take comfort in him the way I just couldn't seem to grow out of. "Congratulations on getting married. Tell Beth I'll be her stupid bridesmaid, ok?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Serve her right when I throw up during the ceremony."

Xander snorted, then giggled at the absurdity. "I hope we get pictures."

"I'm sure we will. Bribe the photographer if you have to."

"Will do. Love you."

"Mmm. Love you too."

****

Brendan was perfectly chill, just hanging out at home. A perfect foil to the bundle of nerves that I was.

I didn't know what else to do other than just launch into it.

"Do you wanna go out sometime?"

Brendan tilted his head curiously. "What?"

"Go out. With me. Date. Do you want to try a date?"

"I... didn't we... did I miss something?"

"Of course you did, but that's not important." I pushed my hair back, stalling for a few precious seconds. "Look, part of our problem was we didn't do things in any kind of normal way, yeah? So... do you want to try being normal? Just go on a normal-ass date?"

"Maybe?"

"Oof."

"No, like, I don't get it. I thought you didn't like me that way."

"That's what dating's for. To maybe find out. No blowjobs. No brother stuff. No sneaking into bed. Just... just a date."

"... maybe there could be some blowjobs?"

I grinned cautiously. "Have to play your cards right for that, boyo."

Brendan grinned back. "Say Saturday?"

"See you then."

I walked way quickly so as not to show how fluttery I went all of a sudden. Maybe this was a terrible idea, but it felt kind of exciting. Not necessarily in a good way, but maybe. Hopefully.

****

Chapter Seven: Kasey at Twenty-Four

****

I'd never realized how good it felt just holding hands. It wasn't something I'd had many opportunities for. I was pretty sure Xander and I had held hands in our younger days, back when it didn't really mean anything. Evidently that either had a lingering effect on me, or it was just something I naturally liked and had forgotten about.

Brendan found it all very adorable. At times, though, it probably drove him a bit crazy.

I liked the hand holding, the cuddling, the caressing, the lying together and whispering all sweetly. He must have missed the blowjob sister phase at times. He was happier being normal, sure, but I could tell there was an undercurrent of horniness in him at times that I didn't really feel.

Sometimes I did. Sometimes I was as happy to play with his dick as he was to have me getting him off. Other times I only really did it because he wanted it. And still other times I strictly ignored his hints because I just wasn't in the mood. But at least I felt like I didn't have to be in the mood all the time. That it wasn't a failing in me. That was progress, probably.

But perhaps it wasn't enough.

"Hey, Kase?"

I lay next to Brendan, only slightly more clothed than him. The taste of his cum fresh on my tongue. Directly after a blowjob wasn't when I usually expected anything too serious, but there was something in his tone...

"Yeah?"

"How come you never want me to do you?"

"What you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"I don't."

Brendan sighed. "Like... licking you. Fingering you. Anything."

I shrugged. "Not that big a deal."

"It kinda is. I want to make you feel good, you know. It doesn't always have to be one way."

"It's not. I like making you cum."

"Sure. But I like making you cum too. And... and I know maybe I'm not great at it..."

"It's not you. I only cum easy with certain things. My magic wand will usually do it. Or just the right porn. Otherwise, it doesn't really happen much."

"Yeah, but, like, I need practice, don't I? Or I won't get better."

"True, I guess."

"But it's like you don't want me to."

"It's unnecessary, is all."

"Disagree. But, uh, that kinda brings me to something else."

"What?"

"Sex."

"Oh."

"I didn't want to push anything-"

"I just made you cum, didn't I?"

"Yeah. And that's great. But Kasey, I really like you. Really, really like you. It's not about cumming."

"It's not?"

"No. It's like... like... it's more special, I guess. I don't know. It means something. And maybe it kinda means something if it never happens, but in a worse way."

I felt a small tingle in me. Something more than cumming. That I could work with.

I thought back to my stories. The ones that had initially opened up my world. They'd all been brothers and sisters, sure, but beyond that, I only really wanted to see them fucking if it was more than that. If it was, as Brendan said, special.

"How special would it be?" I asked tentatively.

"What?"

"How special?"

"I dunno. A lot?"

"Brendan!"

"What?"

"I'm serious. How special?"

"Kase... fuck. Like, ok, sometimes I think about doing it with you and... and it just feels so right. Like it kinda hurts to think about, but in a good way. An ache. Like a longing or something."

I tingled harder inside. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"That's pretty special."

"I guess."

"You know I haven't done it before."

"I assumed."

"Is that ok?"

"Yeah. Of course."

I could see Brendan getting excited. I was, admittedly, pretty excited too. Maybe we should just do it. See what happened. It'd be special, right? We'd been together a while. I liked Brendan. Maybe not quite as much as he liked me, but it wasn't all that far off. Not enough to be a problem, hopefully.

I squirmed, racing through possibilities in my mind, trying to figure out how it would go. If it would be anything at all like some of my favourite, most romantic stories that I revisited regularly. The ones where sibs fell madly, stupidly in love, and the hell with the rest of the world anyway.

It wasn't quite as special and romantic just being a regular couple, but there was precious little anyone could do about that. It was, too, a lot simpler that way. Probably for the best.

"If we did it," I said slowly, watching Brendan's eyes light up, "would it be ok if I changed my mind? I can't promise I wouldn't, is all."

Brendan wrestled with that one. "I mean... yes. Yeah, it's ok, but..."

"I don't intend to. I'm just saying, if we start and I don't like it... you need to be ok with stopping."

"That's fair. Have you never... like anything at all in..."

I tilted my head curiously until I realized what he meant. "Oh. Dildos, you mean. Yeah, sure. Not my favourite, but they're ok, I guess."

"Oh. Well, like, it won't be any worse than that, right? And it should be a lot better."

"Ooh. Confident, are we?"

"I'm pretty sure it'll be better than just a toy."

"Depends on the toy."

"You trying to make me insecure or what?"

"Maybe a little."

"Oh thanks."

"Well I'm gonna be a little insecure too. So it's only fair."

"I don't know if that's really how it works."

"You wanna argue, or you wanna have sex?"

Brendan didn't even think about it. "Sex."

He started rolling toward me, and I gently pushed him back.

"Not now."

"Uh... what?"

"Obviously not now. If we're gonna do this, it's not gonna be after you just came already."

"I can go again."

"I know. But... not like I want anything cheesy and romantic or whatever. I'm not a lovesick teen. But maybe a little special?"

"Oh. Special. Yeah, that makes sense." Brendan visibly relaxed. "We can do special."

"Again with the confidence."

"Again with the making me insecure."

I laughed softly and kissed him. "Good night, Brendan. Don't be up 'til all hours worrying about this."

"Don't worry. It's gonna be so good."

****

"So... I think I'm gonna have sex with Brendan."

It took Lily a moment to process, then she grinned widely. "Oh thank fuck. Finally."

"Hey now!"

"Well you have to admit, it's about dang time."

"That's exactly no one's business."

"Excuse me, who insisted just now on informing me all about it?"

"... shush."

"Was it you? I think it was you."

"Are you gonna be a supportive best friend or what?"

"I can be supportive and teasing. Multitasking isn't that hard in this case."

"Sure."

"Sooo?" Lily leaned casually forward toward me. "You excited?"

I groaned and slumped, letting my emotions take over. "I'm so fucking nervous."

"Ha, yeah. That makes sense."

"Does it?"

"Yeah. You never got a first time out of the way early. At least you're doing it now."

"I don't want to do it wrong."

"Don't worry about that. Just get through it. Brendan'll enjoy it whatever happens. You know, excepting a real disaster. Just try to not hate it. And maybe pick up a few things."

"He might hate it."

"He won't. You let him cum in you, he'll be a happy boy."

"He can't cum in me! Has to be a condom."

"Oh, well, yeah. Fair enough. Not on the pill, huh?"

"You know I'm not. Why would I need to be?"

"I guess I just assumed you were. I don't know why, in hindsight. We should see about getting you on it. Or actually there are other options. Supposedly better ones. If I went out with boys more often, I probably would have looked into them more."

I squirmed uncomfortably. "Well... whatever. Condoms are fine."

"They're fine, but not great. Best to stay safe though, you're right. Go with them for now. But we're looking into options, ok?"

"Unless he breaks up with me 'cause I'm so bad."

"He won't. And even if he does, you still need options for the next boy."

"Why do you assume there'll be another one? If this goes horribly, maybe I just won't bother."

"You want a happy, healthy relationship as bad as the rest of us, Kase. Wanting it with your brother doesn't change that."

"Maybe it does."

"It doesn't. And honestly, that's not even the worst baggage I've ever seen. You're not the hopeless case you make yourself out to be."

"Says you."

"Yeah. And I'm an expert. So deal with it."

****

The day came. I still wasn't sure I was ready, but it had to happen sometime.

Brendan was good about it. He took me out to dinner and everything. We had some wine together back at the apartment. Some calm music. Trying to get me all happy and relaxed I guess. I went a little harder on the wine than maybe I should have, but that was on me and my nerves, not Brendan.

There was something brotherly about the way he took me to bed. I didn't dare say that out loud, even though he probably would have understood. I didn't want to ruin the mood. It helped, anyway. Helped to feel like I was cared about. Like the sex was just happening between two people who wanted it rather than something orchestrated.

I wished I was more drunk. It wouldn't have been good, probably, but that was where I was at.

Still, I liked it at first. I liked being in his arms, slowly dragged along while he held me and we stopped a few times to make out. Then more of the same on his bed.

Then he insisted on licking me out. Which was fine, but I didn't really want it. I wanted sex. In the sense, of course, that I wanted to get to it and see whether I hated it or not.

Brendan's attempt at pleasuring me was doomed to failure. He wasn't going to make me cum like that. I could barely make myself cum without some specific tools and/or techniques. He didn't really stand a chance with just his tongue.

It felt nice. At least there was that. But then there was all that pressure on me to make sure he knew I was enjoying it, and then to pretend like he made me cum at the end. That part I wasn't in love with.

I could have just been honest, sure, but again, I didn't want to spoil things before they'd been given a real shot.