Do You Dream About Me?

'Do you dream about me?

Tell me truthfully. Do you dream about me?'

* * *

I lay still. An enveloping darkness fastened shut the lids of my eyes, heavy with the black of pre-dawn.

Something had stirred me. I lay listening, straining to hear a sound. Nothing. Not a whisper in the trees. Not the mice in the attic. It was the silence of a tomb.

Can you imagine that silence? A quiet so complete that your ears bleed from the strain of listening... and your head aches from trying to recall the sound of her voice... and then she whispers. Did she whisper before?

'Do you dream about me?

Tell me the truth. Do you dream you are with me?'

And I turn my head, and I open my eyes, and I peer into the darkness where she lay... once lay. And I can smell the musky stain of her body, giddy, replete, and see her skin glowing, and feel her stretched-out heat beneath the bed-sheet.

When was that? Did we ever have that?

How many nights since she lay beside me?

I try to remember. It must be hundreds. I lay on my back and I stare wide-eyed trying to cleaver the darkness, trying to part the way until the dawn. I can't sleep, mustn't sleep. If I sleep she'll call me. And I'm afraid to see her... can't face her now... What could I say? How would I explain...

I work my tongue across secretion-crusted lips acrid from smoke and beer. Does she know I'm smoking now? Does she know I'm drinking again? Is she watching?

She stifles a nervous laugh but I don't look... there will be no sparkling eyes, no soft parted lips waiting to be kissed, no warm embrace... no forgiveness...

'You shouldn't be smoking. You promised.

Why are you drinking? You promised me.'

Yes I promised... Don't we all make promises; promises that we believe are forever before the night comes and swallows them whole. Promises that were freely given, no price tag, no doubt, easy to give when the future beckons... What good is the promise that echoes in an empty room? Words that shatter like glass on the floor and lay there unheard unseen waiting to snare the tiniest false step, promises that cut to the bone. Yes I promised... but so did you and where are you now when I need you... where are you now?

* * *

Ha! Nothing to say. I like the silence. Boom, boom. In the silence, I can hear the truth in my heart. Boom, boom. Can you hear that? Can you hear the truth in my heart? Boom, boom. Am I'm alive... or does the truth live with you in death? Boom, boom. Does your memory live with you in death? Boom, boom. I need to know... do you remember what happened? Boom, boom. Are you angry with me? I need to know... am I forgiven? Boom, boom. I don't want to remember dying... I don't want to remember this pain. Boom, boom. I don't want to remember the broken promises... that stain like cloying lies. Have you nothing to say?

* * *

'Do you dream about me?

Tell me your truth. Do you dream I am with you?'

Where else would I go? How could I not dream about you? Did you think I'd found someone else? Sometimes I really believe you are here. That I'll wake in the morning and everything will be just as it was. But there is no going back... nowhere we can return to... and even if we could, it was all just a masquerade... a sick joke played at our expense... Did you consider that? All our time together was an illusion... there was no future... not for me... not for us. And I can't face you. I never had your strength, or your courage. You were ever the binding that held me, without you I've fallen apart. Dreaming is not enough... not when I wake in the dark burning for your touch... not when I long to hear your breath in the still of the night and to feel your face on my shoulder and your hair caressing my chest. Even when you slept the strength of your love kept me safe... or so we both thought...

You're not coming back...

* * *

'Do you dream about me?

The truth doesn't hurt. Do you dream we will be together?'

How can I face you? I failed you at every turn. Stupidly blindly unthinking. In the hospital they told me it was not my fault, but it was my fault, we both know that. I shouldn't have been drinking... it was just a couple of beers. Hell it was Halloween; everyone was drinking. I should have been more alert, I'd have seen the car sooner and could have avoided it. And the look on your face, I can't see anything but that look on your face, you knew everything we'd dreamed about, everything we promised, everything was to be wrenched from our grasp. You knew... and yet you still managed a smile, you forgave me... even then, you forgave me.

How can I face you? In the hospital they told me you'd gone, and the doctor... she didn't know where to look. She told me I'd be up and about in a couple of days, but they needed to run some more tests, she was embarrassed and I thought it was because of you. When she showed me the x-rays... and explained what was wrong... I thought they'd made a mistake, that they were someone else's x-rays... they couldn't be mine.

I took it from you... your future... I took it from you with my carelessness. I was supposed to take care of you... that's what we promised... I should have died then... in your place, not this slow lingering death, a year while the Devil's bony fingers play with my lungs, gripping them, squeezing them dry of air... a relentless grip... until I draw my last breath. I don't understand how this is fair, I was dying even then, the illness had begun its final relentless surge, why were you taken in my place? Where is the fairness? Why were you not spared? I don't understand it. I've told them not to ventilate me when I can no longer breath by myself.

For those first few months... alone in our apartment, resting with the Devil, empty in our empty bed, I was too ashamed to reach out for you, couldn't accept your forgiveness, couldn't forgive myself for robbing you of your future. And selfishly... when the pain began, I wanted you there... I didn't want to face the pain alone. For a few weeks I started smoking again... and drinking... Hell what did it matter! And for a while I grew angry with you for not being there. We promised each other... we always promised to be there for the other. How did our dreams become shattered and cast down amongst the broken promises?

* * *

'I dream for you.

Truth is, I dream for nothing but you.'

They tell me... it's a year today... I think they're surprised I've... hung on this long. I can barely... draw breath... I hoped that you... might find me... this of all nights. The nurses... are wearing Halloween hats... none of us are here... not really... we are not afraid of ghosts... or Devils... we have our own Devils... to face... and mine... is waiting for me... I'm not afraid... I need... to be with you...

'Hush. You're safe now.'