Dream Job

"...but you wanted him too,"

"Yes, I wanted him..."

"Why Bailey? Why was it so easy for you to cast me aside? You say you love me but now that the chips are down and you need my help..."

Jay's words stung her but she had it coming.

"Ok Jay, yeah, I deserved that and certainly you may have looked wimpy compared to someone like Andre' but...it was just a sexual fantasy that I lost myself in...I'll say it again, I made a dreadful mistake...I deeply hurt someone that I loved and that was you...I realized my gross error in judgment too late and I've paid an awfully high price for my indiscretion...I'll spend the rest of my life apologizing if I have to but I do love you..." Bailey couldn't hold back the flood of tears.

With her head in her hands, Bailey mourned for what she had lost with Jay. She didn't know how or if she could ever convince him of her love. A terrible weariness descended on her.

"Would I put myself through all this if I didn't have any feelings for you? If I truly didn't love you, I would have said fine lets end it when you moved out." Her heart ached with sadness and she openly wept.

Jay's heart was unmoved and he still felt outraged. But, slowly it softened. After three months, Bailey had a hint of a pot belly. In spite of her emotional turmoil, she had the glow of motherhood about her.

Jay had picked up on it and it was a source of fascination for him. In his mind he had pledged not to abandon her and he was determined to do the right thing.

"Bailey, I'll stick by you through this...I ah...just want you to know that...you can rely on me..."

Bailey stared at Jay. They were the first civil words he had uttered to her in months. Overcome with emotion, she wept because it was another glimmer of hope.

Jay took Bailey in his arms and tried to comfort her.

"Ok, try to calm down, it's not good for the baby," he stated with a weak smile.

As Jay embraced her and said those soothing words, she sobbed like never before. When Bailey looked at him, she saw the compassion in his eyes.

They agreed to continue the therapy but the mood had changed. The discussions were less angry. A trial period of reconciliation was recommended to see if Jay could tolerate being around her. Jay would occupy the spare room at their home.

Bailey wanted to sell the house and move back to Sacramento where they'd been happy together, where they fell in love. Los Angeles held only bad memories for her. Jay agreed but he was non committal about living together.

Bailey called her parents in Sacramento and tried to explain what happened. The worst part was telling them she was pregnant but Jay wasn't the father. Of course they were shocked but she was their only daughter and they wanted to help.

One night, they were sitting on the sofa watching a movie when Jay asked her something disturbing.

"Do you think about him? Having sex with him?"

Bailey's heart ached for Jay but occasionally she did think about Andre' and his hard sweaty body on top of her screwing her to orgasm after orgasm. She knew she should lie...

"Yes, I'm sorry but I do," she hung her head in utter shame.

Jay said nothing but was gloomy the following day. At dinner, he was very quiet and his eyes looked horribly sad.

"Please Jay, what's wrong?" she implored.

"I can't seem to let it go...you with him...the sight of you both...it..." his eyes were filled with tears.

"I'm sorry that you had to see that...I'm sorry for the awful way I acted...I'm so sorry that I hurt you..." her insides ached with sadness for the anguish she inflicted on the only man she ever loved.

He was suffering because of her and Bailey felt the deepest regret of her life.

"Jay, would you let me hold you? Please? It may take some of the pain away." Her voice was soothing to him and in spite of his feelings, he let her. But, he heard it, the love in her voice and while his love for her was in doubt, he realized that she had spoken the truth.

In Bailey's arms he experienced some peace. With his head on her shoulder, he felt the warmth of her body and found it comforting. It eased his mind a bit and he fell asleep that way. When he awoke, she was still holding him tenderly, lightly stroking his hair. They were a long way from repairing the damage but it was a start...

They agreed to live together under the same roof in Sacramento but would postpone the move until Bailey had the baby and the house was sold and settled.

****

As Bailey sipped her tea, lost in the recollections of the past, she heard high pitched crying, a wail coming from the living room. She hustled in and looked down at a small figure lying in a portable crib, the tiny face screwed up with a painful expression.

"Sweetheart, don't cry...shh...mommy's here..."

Bailey picked up the squirming figure, her son and held him close to her body. She felt along the inside of his diaper and it was soaking wet. A new diaper replaced the old one but he was still fussy. She located a fresh bottle in the kitchen and as she rocked him, he contentedly sucked the warm milk.

Her revulsion over finding herself carrying Andre's baby turned to joy when he was born. The first time she held him, she gazed with wide eyed wonder at the little miracle. Jay had been incredibly supportive and was in the delivery room with her.

"Have you thought of a name?" Jay asked.

With all the upheaval in her life, she honestly hadn't but when she saw the name of the hospital "Saint Christopher's" imprinted on the bed sheets, she was adamant, his name was Christopher.

Her baby, her little Christopher was the joy of her life. With her parents and Jay as her support group, she felt confident that things would go smoothly in Sacramento.

Bailey's relationship with Jay had improved dramatically in the intervening months. His encouragement and assistance during her pregnancy meant a lot to her. They established a middle ground and tried to put the wreckage of their marriage behind them. It was the absolute best she could hope for under the circumstances.

Bailey had confided to Jay that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with Andre. She didn't want his money or his interference in her life in any way. Her pregnancy was kept quiet and never revealed to Andre or Jordan, as far as she was aware. Jay assured her that he would help in any way he could, including financially.

Jay had a soft spot in his heart for Christopher, she saw it in his face, his actions and sometimes it moved her to tears. Jay should be holding his child not a stranger's. She intimated that sentiment one day soon after Christopher's birth.

"I'm sorry he's not your son," she'd said with sorrow, and the tears flowed down her face.

"But, he's part of you Bailey...I'm holding part of you," His declaration made her cry even harder.

Now when Bailey looked at Jay, she saw a man who'd grown by leaps and bounds, a real man who took on responsibilities that weren't his to take on. She prayed that someday they could start over as husband and wife. She loved him and whenever they were together, she told him so and he smiled in gratitude. He couldn't say the same in return but intuitively, she knew that he did.

They were still taking things one day at a time. Bailey realized that the misery she had caused Jay could never be fully repaired. He admitted that he was still plagued by the images of her and Andre' together. But, she was confident that over time it would fade and grow dim in his heart and mind.

In their private moments, Jay let her hold him and although that was all he would allow, Bailey knew that the close contact was a part of the healing process.

Bailey's physical desire for her husband had returned but she was aware that it might be a long time before anything of that nature happened. She was content to wait and initiate intimacy when the time was right.

Legally, they were still married and she wanted to keep it that way.

Christopher finished the bottle and she held him at her shoulder so he could burp. As she patted his back, she thought about the questions he would undoubtedly have for her in the future. But, it seemed like a long way off and she was clueless as to how she would handle his inquiries.

Bailey heard Jay let himself in through the back door. He smiled when he saw her and Christopher and it always warmed her heart. He took the contended child from her so she could finish packing the last items. As she bustled around the room, she watched Jay out of the corner of her eye, smiling and making goo goo eyes at her son.

If they did manage to establish a new relationship, Bailey with all her heart and soul wanted to have a child with Jay. She yearned for it already. But, would Jay want to have a son or a daughter with her?

It was food for thought for another day.