Dreams I Cannot Dream Ch. 01

I sat down at her recommended gastropub, Breslin. From the outside, it looked like a regular bar with a few extra tables, but it had a menu to rival any fancy eatery in Manhattan. She called the waiter and ordered for both of us.

"So, I have something for us as well," I said, taking out two tickets from my pocket. "US Open semi-final tickets. We get to watch Federer and Wawrinka day after tomorrow."

"Oh my God!" she squealed and threw her arms around my neck. "You have no idea how much of a tennis fan I am."

Actually I did have a fair idea. I even knew that she had played at a semi-pro level in college. Jeannie's investigators were nothing if not thorough on their background checks.

She released me and kept that smile intact. It wasn't a smile, but a work of art. Her eyes danced in the light as she fixed her gaze onto me. She had a worn an emerald green dress which brought out a nice contrast to her eyes.

"How did you get the tickets? They were sold out weeks in advance."

"Oh, I know a guy," I waved off. In truth, Jeannie knew a guy who knew a guy, but my date didn't need to hear that detail.

"Are you going to our school reunion next month?" she asked hopefully. "I'm organizing it and you could be the guest of honour if you want."

"Let me see," I said with a look of mock concentration. "Do I want to go and meet the same jocks who made my teenage a living hell?"

"Was it really that bad?"

"This one time, three guys from the football team stuffed me face first into the trash chute. I spent hours staring at garbage before the janitor and nurse wrenched me out."

"That's awful," Amanda gasped. "Tell me who they were and I'll cancel their invitation."

"I didn't see two of them, but the leader was your boyfriend."

"Which boyfriend?" she asked quizzically.

"Billy Mitchell. The six-foot tall star receiver on the team."

"That..." she started before sighing. "Unfortunately that sounds exactly like the kind of thing Billy would do."

"Do you know where he is now?" I asked.

"I broke up with him after we graduated. If I had to guess, I'd say he's twirling a sign outside a Verizon store somewhere in LA."

We shared a laugh. The appetizers were brought to the table with an accompanying bottle of wine.

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

She nodded in response. "What on earth did you see in Billy?"

"He was tall, handsome and played on the football team. At that age, that's all it takes. You see, Jason, we girls are bombarded with criteria for an ideal man from when we can fucking walk. Some like the Prince Charming's among guys, some like the bad boys. It's the way we're programmed, to be idiot high school sluts. It's only after that do we get to see the men of the world for who they really are. You ask any girl our age what she would say to her younger self and it will always be - hold on to a geek and never let go. He'll love you and care for you like these dumbass jocks don't even know how to."

Both of us took a sip of wine before she resumed.

"You definitely don't need to worry about running into Billy at the reunion. I wouldn't call him even if I still knew his number."

"He was hardly the only one. Look, Amanda, it's a long list of people who I never want to see again that you'll be inviting. Not all of them are bad people. It's just that they used to be normal high school bullies. Sadly, that's how I still remember them."

"Still there had to be someone you liked."

I idly turned my fork through my appetizer and smiled to myself. The answer herself had asked me the question.

"So how long have you been in New York?" I asked, hoping to change the topic.

"About a year. My practice is just a few months old though. Still finding my feet."

"Quite a nice office though, with a receptionist and paralegals."

"Can't complain," she shrugged. "My Dad is paying for most of it. The lease and all their salaries. It's way more than I'm bringing in right now."

"Your Dad's here with you?"

"He moved to Manhattan after the divorce."

No small factor in Amanda's popularity in school was the fact that her father was a VP at a real estate company and had all the monetary benefits of a VP to lavish on her. He had recently traded up to SVP at one of the bigger property developers in Midtown.

"You'd think that after twenty nine years he'd start treating me like his grown ass daughter and not some pet project."

"I think I'll be taking that," I said, carefully sliding her glass of wine away from her before it could do more damage.

We finished up the few remaining starters on our plates.

"C'mon, let's go outside. I've got a surprise for you."

I hastily left a few bills on the table and led her to my newest acquisition.

"Aren't you a little young for a mid-life crisis?" she asked, eyeing the sleek sports bike parked outside.

"It's called doing something I want to do, not something I'm supposed to, for once," I said, running my fingers over the gleaming chrome finish. "How about a ride?"

"Really? Are we teenagers again?"

"God, I wish I had a Hayabusa as a teenager. It would have definitely gotten me some more attention from the girls."

Amanda still looked at me with a mixture of incredulity and suspicion. I tried one last time.

"I'll go to the reunion. One ride on this baby is all I ask in return."

"You drive a hard bargain," she giggled, climbing on behind me. "Where are we going?"

"The world is our oyster, m'lady."

Riding through the city definitely made me feel like an old man. Frequently, I could see fellow commuters and pedestrian staring at the two of us. After all, driving a superbike in New York's traffic was only for the terminally insane or filthy rich. It so happened I was both.

Approaching city limits, I revved up some speed. She held on to me tightly, her arms clasped around my front and her chin resting on my back. It felt surreal, being so tightly entwined in her.

We were mostly alone on the highway. A solitary vehicle showed up every once in a while. I put all my limited practice into keeping us steady at over a hundred.

"Where were you all this time?" Amanda screamed from behind me. "I like this version so much more."

A few houses appeared along both sides of the road as we approached a town. I slowed down and let the locals gawk at the metallic beast underneath us.

"How do you feel?" I asked her.

"Better than I have in years," she squealed. "I'm never going out with someone again unless he has a bike. Scratch that, unless he has this bike."

A few turns later, we saw the entrance to a dive bar with a row of Hogs parked outside. She motioned me to stop from behind.

"Keep the engine running, Jason."

"Why?" I asked quizzically.

In response, she giggled, still feeling the effects of the wine.

"Because I'm about to this," she said. The next few seconds unfurled in slow motion. She kicked the Hog on the far end of the lot and it slumped onto the next. On and on they fell like a line of dominoes, taking the rail with them. The noise attracted a whole lot of unwanted attention.

Before I had time to digest the whole situation, she slid back to her spot behind me and locked her arms around my waist. I could feel a distinct chill run down my spine as I surveyed the damage. Briefly, I hoped the owners of these bikes were either mild-mannered or too drunk to take immediate action.

My hopes were cruelly dashed when a couple of gigantic bikers burst out of the bar, not looking too impressed by the spectacle in front of them.

"I strongly suggest you start this bike," she leaned over and whispered to me.

It took the best part of a second for me to unfreeze before I turned the bike around and sped off. I had a sizeable head-start before I heard a couple of Harleys starting in the distance. It still didn't stop me from doing my best Valentino Rossi impression out of that town. Most of the locals we passed were bewildered by my madcap antics. I had sped my way to a safe distance from our pursuers before I stopped to catch my breath.

I took off my helmet and stared at her, utterly flabbergasted.

"What the hell, Amanda?"

"Relax. You don't even have a permanent number plate yet, so they won't be able track you. You gotta admit though. That was one hell of a rush, right? I've never done anything like that."

"You do know that if one of those bikers back there caught us, it could have been the very last rush we got."

"I know, but that's what made it great. This is the first spontaneous thing I've done without getting Dad's approval first. I'm guessing it's a first for you too. Didn't it feel great, the thrill of not knowing what was coming next?"

"If you don't mind I'll get my thrills on Netflix from now on."

"Don't be such a stick in the mud," she whined. "You're spoiling the coolest thing either of us has ever done."

I chose not to answer as I checked my GPS for the way back to the city. The rest of our ride passed in relative silence. Soon, we were among the unpleasantly familiar traffic snarls of the city. She directed me to her apartment building.

"Thanks for an awesome date," she smiled, making me temporarily forget how she almost got us in trouble before. "I enjoyed it more than you know."

Before I could reply, she wrapped her arm around me and latched her lips onto mine. Her tongue was slow and methodical in its movements, navigating a course over mine. Her eyes were inches away from mine now, those flecked sapphire blue pools which could overwhelm me at a moment's notice.

For what felt like the span between The Big Bang and the first cat video to be uploaded on YouTube, I felt high on my newest drug, Amanda. The touch, feel, taste, smell and sight of her drowned me into an abyss with no name. I was eighteen again, watching Amanda and her date dance at prom and kiss. In my mind, of course, it was me holding her hand, kissing her lips and whispering nerdy sweet nothings into her (ones that I had prepared in my room at night no less).

Almost twelve years later, every single moment I had spent fantasizing this moment flashed before my eyes.

Time resumed when I felt the soft lips leave my face, wrenching a bit of my heart out with them. She looked at me with her piercing gaze and an unseemly tremor played on her lips.

"We'll talk about this later," she mumbled, staggering backwards and then into the building.

My world was normal again. Normal with a Hayabusa which I had only bought to impress her. The best fifteen thousand ever spent.

* *

"I'm not kidding, Lucy, she actually did that."

I turned to my side and looked at the favourite part of my bedside table.

"The next thing I know, this huge bearded biker comes out of the bar. He's got more tats than skin and he looked like he distinctly wanted to rip my head off and hang it from one of his Harley's handlebars. Another guy comes up behind him, not looking too different. I must have broken the land speed record on my way out of that place."

I could almost hear Lucy laughing. My memory of her voice had this distinct melodious tone.

"And then when I dropped her off, she kissed me."

There was silence in room, punctuated only by my deep breathing.

"I had almost forgotten what that felt like, to be kissed. Every time I close my eyes, I can see her lips hovering in front of me. When I open my eyes, I want to see them again. She's everything I remember and more.

I'm sorry. This is our time and I shouldn't be talking about a girl I'm going out with. It's just that there was a time before I knew and fell in love with you... and then I was hopelessly in love with Amanda Rossi. It's just that I never thought I'd get to kiss her."

I pulled my duvet to my chin.

"You deserve better than to be a consolation prize, Lucy. I loved you more than I know how to put in words. I only wish I had shown you how much before that day...

My therapist wants me to move on. Jeannie wants me to move on. Everybody fucking wants me to move on. Why? What is wrong with feeling this pain if it is all that reminds me of you?"

Pain purified. It distilled. It cut out all the background noise in my brain until all I had left was what's important. Lucy had left an aching void that I never knew existed. If only I could have gone back to when solitude was my only companion. If only I could undo all that Lucy had done to me.

If only I could have gone back in time and cut my wrists deep enough. None of this would have happened.

No it is not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Fuck you, Tennyson.

"I deserve another chance at happiness, don't I?" I asked Lucy. As was the case on the last hundred and ninety seven nights I had asked her, she did not reply.

I fumbled at my bedside for the remote to my home theatre. The only bit of music I owned was a playlist Lucy had put together for our second anniversary. It was entirely romantic. Up until her death, I had listened to it maybe once. Now, I knew every word of every song.

The lyrics cut into me like little knives, ripping at old wounds and creating fresh ones. I lay there, facing the ceiling and bleeding inside. The exquisite pain of interrupted love coursed through my body. Those wounds never healed, only grew deeper.

"Hey, asshole. Turn the music off. We're trying to sleep in here."

I hastily apologized through the wall and did the needful.

* *

The next day, I showed up in the evening. There was something distinctly different about the atmosphere at LiveTrade.

I could immediately tell something was wrong. Very wrong.

Chase and the rest of the employees at LiveTrade were doing their best headless chicken impressions, running from terminal to terminal. I almost bumped into two of them before they realized I was there.

"What's wrong?" I asked, mentally ready to hear something I wouldn't like.

"One of our beta testers just reported a bug. It's a bad one." I vaguely heard amidst the din. "If the user enters a certain special character while creating a new account, the app crashes."

"How common is this character?"

"Common enough to be a problem. We go live tomorrow."

I did a quick scan of the room and it turned out that Helen and Kirsten looked more disappointed than frantic. I beckoned them over and asked.

"We had a party planned at the Plaza to celebrate our launch. Just close friends and family. The invites went out to all of our families days in advance."

"Oh right," I said, vaguely remembering an email to that effect. "Are none of you really going?"

Jordan peeked over the screen to nod briefly before immersing himself again in code. I slumped into the nearest available chair and motioned everyone towards me.

"I know I'm not really here to give out words of wisdom, but bear with me this once. I promise I'll keep it short."

I certainly had their attention, however briefly.

"If you ever have a conflict between work and making time for your friends and family, it should be a no-contest. Friends and family always win. Period."

They listened with rapt attention.

"That was code for - go to the fucking Plaza."

"But what about the-"

"That's where I come in," I said, calmly getting myself a seat. "I just need the credentials to one of your workstations and I'm good to go."

Blank stares all around. A pin dropped two offices over could be heard.

"You want to fix the bug?" Jordan asked hesitantly, as if not quite trusting his ears.

"No, Jordan. I went through the most demanding CS major in the country so I could sit in an office and give orders. I created a codebase ten times this size on my own not so long back. I think I'll manage."

"Are you sure?" Chase started. "The party isn't really that big a deal."

"Let me stop you right there. You have no clue how badly I want to go back to where you guys are right now. Given another chance, I'd dump my work every damn time my wife wanted to see me. It's a simple formula really - work your ass off when you get the time, but the second your family needs you, be there. I wish I had someone to tell me this five years ago."

I finally sighed.

"Just give me one of your login credentials and go already. That's an order."

Still dazed, the entire team of LiveTrade shuffled out through the doors, talking amongst themselves in hushed tones. No doubt what I said made little sense to them then, but I hoped it would in the near future.

More important matters were at hand, mostly based around an errant double byte character. I did a few preliminary tests to confirm the extent of the problem. It would require all of my jedi powers to fix.

I stole a glance at my watch to see my investigation had left me past dinner time. Damn, I was rusty.

A quick dinner and a metric ton of coffee to keep me upright was called for. I made my way to the sorry excuse for a cafeteria. To my surprise, Amanda was also there, eating out of a paper bag.

"Long night ahead?"

She nodded in response, laying out some food on a tray.

"I've got a bug to fix. What's your excuse?"

"The judge moved up the next hearing on one of my cases. I've been preparing the strategy since yesterday and am still grossly under-prepared."

"Anything interesting?"

"Not OJ material. My guy may or may not have hidden the real profits of his company from his partners so as to give them a smaller share," she said briskly, digging into her bag for more.

"Is that code for he's guilty?"

"No, Jason. It's code for I-had-better-get-him-cut-loose-since-he's-my-biggest-client."

We talked in banalities for a few more minutes. Every subtle movement of those sumptuous red lips replayed the kiss in my mind.

"Anyway, it was nice talking to you. I should go now."

Amanda got up to leave. Those lips moving out of my field of vision snapped me back to reality.

"Amanda, wait," I said abruptly.

She looked back at me, raising her brow. I stood up and held her hand.

"About the other day-" I began, stopping when she understood what I was talking about.

She pursed her lips and looked at the ground for a few minutes. Somewhere behind those perfectly shaped blue eyes, she was debating her kiss. Maybe she was reconsidering that restraining order from before.

"Jason, I'm really too busy now. We'll talk about it later. I promise."

"Sure," I smiled, jamming an imaginary glass shard into my heart. "Whenever you want to. No pressure."

A little bit of me will die every second until you do but, seriously, no pressure.

I waited for her to leave before I tossed the rest of my food in the trash. My appetite had suddenly waned. I needed to bury myself in work in the worst way possible. Thankfully, I had enough of that ahead of me.

I went back to my screen in time to see Chase post his party pics on Instagram. All their family and friends were there and they seemed to have a good time. It gave me a small inward glow of pride knowing I had helped it happen.

"Back to the code."

I stuck to my task gamely for an hour or so, making decent progress.

It was almost midnight when Amanda walked in through the doors, officially creating new ground for me to worship. She looked like someone not used to pulling all-nighters.

"Need more coffee?" I asked helpfully.

"No," she said softly, taking a quick glance around the empty office.

I was going to ask her if she was sure when her lips mashed into mine, effectively leaving me with the vocabulary of a chipmunk. The cup of coffee in my hand unhelpfully spilled onto my shirt and the table. I didn't care. It could have set my shirt on fire and I still wouldn't have cared. Her arms wrapped around my neck drawing me into the kiss and her tongue swept through my mouth, furiously trying to coax mine out of shock induced paralysis.