Exclusive Ch. 01

Soon I'd have to say goodbye to him, something that was always very hard to do, when he left me to go back to Uni, almost six hundred kilometres away. If it was hard normally, it was going to be a thousand times more difficult in the morning, and with me having to make a special presentation at work, I couldn't even be here as he left. I had to be gone by seven, no excuses would be accepted.

The silence was shattered by my alarm, Greg reached for me, I thought to make love one more time, but he, knowing how important that my presentation to management was to me, was pushing me out of bed. I looked like shit in the mirror, and that's how I felt too.

My mind was screaming INCEST at me. With the day I had in front of me, it was going to be hard to get that thought out of my mind. I hoped that it didn't affect me too much.

I needed to spend time running the water down my body to ease my pains, but there was no time, I had to get out. I'd lain out my clothes the night before, which helped. Greg made my breakfast and watched as I ate it. Every mother should be served breakfast by a naked waiter, especially if it's her son.

He said that he'd clean up before he left, but I asked him not to, I wanted to do it when I came home. He asked me why, I shrugged, there was no reason, in fact I can't even tell you why now, it was something that I just wanted to do.

I cleaned my teeth, and then, it was time to go. No long farewells, no going back for another hug. That was it, one last quick suck of his cock, and...gone.

"Hey, look Ma, lipstick on my dipstick." I turned to look, and sure enough, there it was, bright red for all the world to see at the base of his shaft, I floated out to my car with that thought in my mind,

I sat on the train in silence, I looked around at the regular passengers, two that I'd seen before smiled at me, I nodded in recognition, but made no attempt to talk.

I was sure that people could tell when they looked at me that I'd spent the weekend totally naked making the most beautiful love with my son. Surely it was obvious to everyone what I'd been doing, it must show on my face.

Finally, I got to work, and started out the last minute checks for my presentation, several people told me that I looked like shit, that really helped me.

As soon as I started my speech, the adrenalin kicked in and I knew that I'd be ok, even though I couldn't get Greg out of my mind. Even as I was presenting, I thought of him, and when I'd finished, I was thinking of him. All day I thought of him, it was a miracle that I did any work at all.

At least my brain had stopped yelling INCEST at me, for the moment at least.

As I returned on the train that night, I was exhausted but happy, the day had gone very well, a reward for my not leaving everything until the last minute. All the groundwork had been put in, and the response from my manager was positive, maybe there would be a promotion in it for me, at least she said she'd put me forward for it.

I stopped for take-away on the way home, there was no chance that I was going to cook tonight.

When I got home, I didn't want to go in. I had to wait at the door to get up the courage to enter, but eventually of course, I had to.

As soon as I walked inside, the emotion of the past few days hit me, and I burst into tears, I'd been sure that Greg would be there, but he wasn't. The house was cold even though it was in the middle of summer. There was something wrong, I felt as though Greg had died, not simply left to go back to school, as he'd done many times over the last four years.

I'd asked him to not clean up as I wanted to do it for him, but that backfired on me big time. There were his breakfast dishes, a pair of shoes that he'd decided to not take back with him, or just plain forgotten, and as I walked through the house, I saw so many things that reminded me of him.

I went upstairs, my bedroom door was closed, my heart skipped a beat, maybe he'd not returned to Uni, but was waiting in there lying naked on the bed ready for me.

I opened the door, and no surprises, he wasn't there, but still my disappointment hurt me, the bed was unmade but the room empty. And then I saw them, over on my dressing table was the biggest bunch of flowers that I'd ever seen, they were enormous, and must have cost him a fortune.

I cried buckets, I sat on the bed with my head in my hands and sobbed like a baby. The room was filled with their aroma, which is probably why he'd closed the door. As I controlled myself, I walked closer to them and seeing the card almost obscured amongst the foliage, pulled it out and broke out crying again as I read the words, 'To the best mother in the world, who has now become the best lover in the world'.

I don't know if I was still crying, or if I'd started again, but the tears were flowing freely.

I was happy, but then again, depressed, my emotions were all over the place, I walked round in a daze. Eventually, my mind came around to food, but by this time the Chinese had gone cold. It matched me; it was shit, and the word incest was back in play again.

The doorbell rang, I wasn't expecting anyone, my heart missed a beat, it must be Greg, he'd changed his mind and decided to return to me. I ran and opened it, there stood Max with a smile on his face, and a small bunch of flowers in his hand.

I'd forgotten about Max.

"Hi Mel, sorry I didn't ring you, I must have lost your number, can I come in?" He looked at my face, and sounded genuinely concerned as he asked, "Are you all right, you look awful?"

I didn't need that at all.

"Oh, hello Max," that was as far as I got, and then I froze, what was I to do, I certainly wasn't in the mood to have sex with him, or anyone else for that matter, after the weekend that I'd just had. My biggest problem now apart from anything else, was coming to terms with who I'd had sex with over the weekend.

Max stood there uncertain, it wasn't the greeting that he'd expected.

I didn't want to be hard on him as I'd really lead him on a fair bit, but sex was totally out of the question.

Still he stood there, the reality showed on his face that things weren't going to go as he'd hoped.

There was only one thing to do, and that was to lay it out for him, so looking him right in the eye, I started speaking without having any idea how I was going to handle it, but the further I went, the easier it got.

"Max, I'm terribly sorry, a whole lot has changed over the weekend, it's such a shame that we met when I was out with my son and his mates. If I hadn't been...well, I think that anything could have happened." I was on a role now and was going to be ok. "But over the weekend, I've realised that...that...that, I'm still in love with Ken, and I'm just not ready to take the huge step of being with someone else just yet.

The last part of the sentence was delivered at gabble speed.

There was a silence as he digested my words, before he said, "That's not what Cathie told me."

I made another note to kill my sister.

"No Max, she's the one who thinks that I need a new man, I'm still to be convinced, and it wasn't until after I came home that I realised I just wasn't ready yet."

"Have you talked with Cathie about me?"

"Yes," and without thinking my eyes dropped down to the bulge in his pants.

Max caught me looking and smiled.

I mentally kicked myself and aimed another one at the absent Cathie.

Max stood there, but now with the flowers almost hidden behind his back. After quickly glancing at his watch, he said, "Ok, Mel, I thought we'd be pretty good together, you know with..." his hand waved in the general direction of his zip. Then with another quick glance at his watch, said, "Ok I'm disappointed after what Cathie told me about you."

My sisters' life was definitely over.

But Max wasn't giving up yet, "Are you really sure you wouldn't like to... you know...try it?" Again, he waved his hand at his groin.

I shook my head, "Sorry Max, maybe last Friday, but not now."

"If you change your mind, Cathie's got my number."

"I'm sure she has."

As he walked away, he again looked at his watch, and now had the flowers around in front of him, I deduced that I wasn't Max's only option that night.

As soon as I closed the door my phone rang, joy, oh joy it was Greg at last. He'd driven more than a half way to Uni and had stopped at a small motel. We talked about everything and nothing as lovers do, when we finally hung up, it was almost ten thirty. I was so exhausted from the big weekend, my early start and the presentation that I'd made, that I went straight to bed without eating. A quick shower, and I was unconscious as soon as I hit the pillow.

I awoke very early, before five, I'd thought that I would have slept right through, but not so for some reason. Then it hit me, why was I so upset that he'd gone back to school, what we'd had was so good, but it was also so wrong. I was the adult here, and I should have been the one to act like it. But here I was behaving like a teenager with my first love.

The word, 'why,' kept going across my mind. Why was I acting like this? Why could I not pull myself together? Why had my son made such an impression on me? Why did the legal aspects of our situation not concern me as much as it should have?

On the train to work I decided that there was no way that I could answer any of those questions, my decision making was completely compromised, and the only thing that I could do was to go with the flow. The reality was that he would soon realise that I was an older woman, and in the course of time the differences that that brought, would impact him. He'd eventually find someone his own age, settle down, get married, have children, and live happily ever after, if that actually still happens these days.

For my part I was going to enjoy whatever the gods gave me, for as long as I had it. Even though I knew that in the end, I'd most likely get hurt. Don't they say, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?

Unfortunately, that was easier said than done because just after lunch, the emotions changed again. The adrenalin levels must have dropped, and I hit the reality wall. I was sure that people could see when they looked at me that I'd suddenly become a bad mother. I was having difficulties accepting that I'd been the one who'd driven the entire escapade. I saw continuously the panic, even fear, that had been on his face initially. Fear that I'd just ignored and driven the whole thing forward, because I'd needed sex so badly that I was prepared to sacrifice my only child, to satisfy my lust.

Two of my co-workers commented that I didn't look very well, so it was a relief when the day ended and I could go home. I managed to catch an earlier train than normal, it wasn't as crowded as usual, so it wasn't too hard for me to sit away from anyone else. I needed time and space to get my head around my new situation. When Greg and I talked that night, I was so close to telling him how I was feeling and that I thought that what'd happened between us was wrong, and that it mustn't happen again. I didn't tell him because I wanted to make sure of what it was that I wanted. If only I'd taken the same cautious approach on Friday night.

My late Mothers' words came crashing into me back from the years, when she'd said many times, "Decide in haste, and repent at your leisure, because you've got the rest of your life to get it right afterwards." Like a lot of people, I should have listened to my mum, she didn't know everything, but she did have a lot more wisdom than I do, even now.

I'd managed to pull myself together a little before we talked, and speaking with him helped a bit, but I was still not ok as I went to bed.

The next morning, I was still no better, and so on the train I made a determination that I was not going to make any decision for a little while, but I was going to just go with the flow and see where it took us to. The good thing was that as long as he was at Uni, the temptation was away there too. I wasn't sure what I'd do when he came back home, but I'd have to deal with that at the time.

For all of that day we exchanged text messages continuously from about eight am, and as soon as I was home, I was on Skype to him, I'd again bought Chinese and this time I ate it hot whilst talking to him. When I finally went to bed, I realised that I still hadn't cleaned up the mess that I'd told him to leave for me. "Tomorrow," I confidently told myself, but of course we were on Skype again when tomorrow came, and then every night for the rest of the week, so it wasn't until Saturday that it got cleaned up.

Having rationalised the extreme feelings that I was having about my son, I started to really immerse myself into the relationship. I knew that it was wrong, but I'd decided to just ignore that, and get on and get as much from it as I could. In the back of my mind I knew that at some stage I was going to get hurt, but I put that out of my mind too.

The silly thing was that the 'L' word kept flowing through my mind, and even after I'd realised that that was so crazy. The 'I' word was never too far away either.

There had been several calls from Cathie during the week which I'd either missed or ignored, none of which I'd returned. I wasn't sure how I'd respond to her interfering in my life, even if it'd been well meaning. I also wasn't sure what I would do if the subject of Greg came up, would I lie, or would the truth just burst out from my eager mouth.

It wasn't a surprise when Cathie called around on Saturday afternoon, I thought that she might do so because I'd ignored her calls. Nothing was said about them after I'd apologised for not calling back. I just told her that we were very busy at work, and I'd come home exhausted every night. I was very cautious of what I said, and very careful to analyse every question before answering it. She only stayed an hour or so, and I was really glad when she left, in case the truth of how I'd spent my time with my son came out.

The rest of my weekend was awful, my life was so empty, it was no different from any other weekend in that I almost always spent them alone, but somehow after the last one, I felt so flat. Greg and I Skyped all the time until I blew my download limit and had to buy more.

On Monday I got a shock as I got my period, I'd completely forgotten about that with all the other things going on in my life. For a brief moment, I felt sad that Greg hadn't got me pregnant, God knows there must have been enough little wriggly things swimming up there to do the job for him. Soon however the sadness left, and reality kicked in, as the problems it would have created ran through my mind. The next day I saw my doctor and got the pill. I'd been lucky this time, better not chance it again, because I was sure that there would be a next time, son or no son, I wasn't going to let go of him that easily.

The next week, and the week after that, were both the same, as was the week that followed those. I was going to go crazy before he came home if we stayed apart like this for much longer. I was back to masturbating, and hating it, my brain was out of control continually.

Then on the Monday of the next week, as soon we spoke, he sounded excited as he asked, "Mum do you know where Belldale is?"

"No, why?"

"The Uni just had a jobs expo where a lot of employers came to check out the graduating class, and one of them wants me to go to their head office there. It's about a hundred kilometres away, and they want to see me for two days, Monday and Tuesday next week. I can get away early on Friday, and I thought...you know." He hesitated a little. "I thought that it might be nice for us to... you know... meet and... you know... spend the weekend together."

My body got all warm and fuzzy just thinking about us being together again, and the ants and spiders were back running amok.

"I can make it," I said quickly, not even being aware of how, or even if, I could get off early on Friday.

The next day, I almost begged my manager to allow me to take the time off. She wasn't happy about it, but as my presentation had been so well received, and for now at least, I was the flavour of the month, she finally relented.

I texted Greg, and got an ecstatic response from him, we'd soon be together again. I'd a feeling that this week was going to go very slowly indeed.

Later that day my manager came back to me, stood there wagging her finger accusingly at me, but smiling and saying, "There's a new man in your life now, isn't there?"

I know that I looked embarrassed, and could only shrug, knowing that I was blushing.

"I've just noticed how differently you look since you got your leave approved. You should've told me before, I'm not that cold hearted as to deny you the time, if that's the case."

I looked at my calendar, it was Tuesday, Friday was a long way away at this point. But at least I'd got something to look forward to. Greg and I Skyped again that night, and not for the first time since he'd returned to campus, I masturbated thinking about him. This time it was more enjoyable knowing that I'd see him in only a few days time. I didn't care if the neighbours heard me or not, in fact I wanted the world to hear me, and know how happy I was, because right then, noise equalled happiness.