Fading Memories

***

When I walk through door, I'm surprised to see the folks still up. The look on their faces tell me all I need to know. "I figured you would be in bed by now -- what's up?"

"Jase, your mother and I want to talk to you ... it's about Michell. Son, are you sure you know what you're getting into with her? We both think she's a lovely young lady, but son her disability is a lot to take on. She's young now and can get around with it, but what happens when it gets worse? We just want you to really take a pause and think this over. Ask some questions, we don't know if this is going to get worse or not. It just seems like you're jumping in too fast for something like this."

I want to be angry at them, but concentrate on taking several deep breaths before opening my mouth. "I appreciate your concern. It's something Michelle and I have discussed. She's said much the same thing to me -- do I really want to take this on? I ask myself, what's the worst that could happen? I don't really know, maybe she gets worse -- but also the advances in medicine are unfolding faster than ever. They're getting a better understanding of how and why this virus does what it does. As she puts it; She's actually one of the people who's body adapted and gave her some rebound -- it could have been much worse, as I'm sure you both know. The Polio virus itself has been beaten by her own bodies adaptation, that's what the doctor's told her parents. Right now, she's got a bum knee. And as I understand it, there's a very high probability that she won't get worse. So yeh, we've talked and I've given it some thought on my own."

"Well, that all sounds somewhat encouraging, but there is no guarantee she will never get worse."

"Mom, there's no guarantee I'll come back from a skiing trip -- there's no guarantee of much in life, is there?"

"Jase, you're a grown man as far as I'm concerned. Your mother may disagree. We've said our mind and that's all we can do. If you decide to keep going with Michelle, we'll do our best to be happy for you. I think that all we're asking is that you slow down awhile and give yourself plenty of time to think this through. We don't have a thing bad to say about her -- it's just our worry that you may be biting off something you can't chew. Anyway, it's getting late and it's probably time we all got to bed. Sorry Jase, we just felt we had to at least say something. Goodnight."

As I watch them head off to bed, I feel a wave of doubt crash over me. it's a doubt I've kept at bay up until now. I can't honestly say I disagree with them -- it is a possibility that she gets much worse. What the hell do I really know? Just what I can understand from some library books. For the first time since Shelia dumped me, I feel another setback suddenly casting a dark shadow over my life -- and for the first time since meeting her, I feel doubt creeping in between Micky and me. Maybe they're right?

***

As the days unfold, I know I'm avoiding her -- not so much her, but avoiding the huge elephant in the room. If I don't see her, I won't have to talk about it. At the same time, I feel my own heart breaking little by little as reality settles in. My friends seem to know my every thought -- one of the pitfalls of a small town. Not one of them has encouraged me to stick with her -- each of them has some negative possibility to tell me about.

***

I haven't heard anything from him since we all shared dinner together. I know what it is, I don't blame them. Hell yes, I'm a risk and a guaranteed burden. I knew from the beginning this was a mistake -- I just wanted to feel wanted and desired ... I guess I did get to experience it even if it was just in passing. Oh well, nothing ventured nothing gained ... just a slightly broken heart. It's for the best, better to find out now than later. My tears mock me, my loneliness snickers 'I told you so'. The poor little crippled Mexican girl always hoping for more. I struggle to stay above the waves -- dark waves that I surrender to as they pull me down under the waters of hopelessness.

*****

Scene Eight: Can Love Be Stronger Than Fear

For three weeks I haven't seen her or spoken to her -- not because I don't want to, it's more that I'm ashamed of letting others influence me. The first ones I tell are Mom and Pop.

"Yeh, I'm sure. And yes I thought about what you said. But I've made my own decision and I'm going to see if there's anyway to get her back. I've read as much as I can find on Polio, and I'm willing to risk that her body is able to deal with it."

"Son, give it some more time. You'll meet someone new. I'm afraid you'll regret this for the rest of your life. I just hope...."

"No Dad, I've given it enough time to know I've made the biggest mistake in my life already. I'm going to try to undo that mistake -- if I'm lucky maybe she'll forgive me. I know you both have only the best of intentions, but I really can't accept your advice on this. I just ask for your prayers for me and Michelle -- pray that our love, and hopefully our marriage, will last as long as yours. It'd be nice to have your blessing, but if you can't I understand."

My mother walks to me, envelops me with a hug. It's a broken and trembling voice that breaks that embrace, "Jason, I do give you my blessing, I see the feelings you have for her is stronger than we thought -- honey, love will get you through just about anything this old world can throw at you. You just hang on tight to that love and I know you'll both be just fine. Now get going and go tell that poor girl you love her and ask her to marry you. But if I can give you one piece of advice ... and I don't doubt you feel love for Michelle. But Jase, I really think it would be better if you and Michelle would consider a longer engagement. You're both busy in school, and you have to admit that you haven't really been together very long. Would it hurt anything to set the wedding date for ... I'd say a year from now? Spend that time making sure that it's solid enough to stand the storms of a marriage. Concentrate on both, your studies and growing closer -- make sure you two really are destined to become entwined as one soul. Think about it, and then talk to her about it. Maybe you could even set the date for Valentine's Day 1974? That sounds like something she might like -- I know I would if it were me. Now go talk to her and see if you can work things out. "

***

I'm not a hundred percent sure what the rules are for men getting into one of the women's dorms. As it turns out, there's a desk with some student staff to ask. "I'm wondering if there's some way you could let Michelle Morrison know that Jason Nichols is here and would like to talk to her." There must be a way, one of the young ladies pretty much runs off to tell my love I'm here and need to talk to her. It's taking awhile and one of the young ladies lets me know there's a small lounge room just down the hall I can wait in. When I find it, the room is empty and I take a seat and wait ... I wait what seems an eternity. Just when I'm considering going to ask someone, Michelle opens the door and walks in. We just stand there looking at each other -- I give her a small smile and she returns the gift. "Micky, I fucked up. I let other people put ideas in my head -- Micky, I made a mistake. Can you forgive me?"

I can't believe he actually came back -- all my tears and fears and doubts. I can't and don't even try to stop my tears. The words are in my head but I can't seem to say them. When he comes close and pulls me tight to his body, I can't tell if my sobs are from happiness or fear it is all a dream.

"Micky, talk to me. I'm sorry. I can't live without you. Can you still love me?"

I wipe my face with just a hand, I must look a mess. "Yes, I never stopped loving you. I'm sorry if I did something to turn you away."

"Baby, you never did anything. I just let other people lead me astray. They may have meant well, but I don't want to live my life without you. That's the bottom line, you make me feel whole -- it's love. If anything can be called love, what I feel right now is it. I'd really like us to start again and this time we won't listen to what anyone else has to say about it. Be that my parents or your parents -- or even President Nixon!"

His words sound like the ones in my dreams, but his warmth against me is real. "I wanted to call you, but never built up enough nerve. I've even day dreamed about a moment much like this where you come back to me -- even now it seems like a dream."

"It's no dream Micky. And you were never to blame -- it was all on me, and I was stupid. It's that simple. If it's not too soon, I'd like you to know that I wanted to ask you to marry me. I let other people influence my better judgement about that. Now I'm asking. Will you marry me? My mother told me not to rush you or push you too fast. What do you think about getting married next Valentine's Day? That gives us a year where we can wrap up our studies -- but it'll also give us plenty of time for us both to be sure this is what we want. It gives us all year to do things together -- and to be together. It sorta makes sense you know? We really do need to get to know each other more in a lot of ways."

His words are the words I've played in my dreams -- so many nights thinking of our life together. But always my reality closed the curtains on my perfect play. But now he's asking for real .... "Yes, I heard those words in my dreams -- you are real, yes?"

"Sweet Mickey, my sweet Mickey, feel my lips on yours and you'll know I'm real." We meld into one again -- how close I came to loosing her. Never again will I allow anything get between our love ... never.

*****

Scene Nine: Valentine's day Feb 14, 2022

Before our two daughters show up to spend Valentine's Day with me, I sit and replay the life Micky and I shared in the 48 years we were married. But I always count that year of engagement, so to me it's a shared life for 49 years. She passed this year, two weeks before Valentine's day -- just two more weeks and it would have been our fiftieth Valentine's Day together. When we met we were both just kids really. Back then twenty-two seemed old, but in hindsight we were just getting old enough to not be completely stupid. At least my stupid took a pause long enough for me to ask her to marry me. We had so many good years, but her broken body kept breaking a little more every year, especially these last several years. Seems ironic it had little to nothing to do with the Polio everyone was so worried about -- mostly just old age. I always wanted it to be me who got out first, but I guess the good Lord figured she needed me to stick around. I promised I'd take care of her and I guess I did the best I could. The breast cancer, even though it was caught in time, still took a heavy toll. The radiation and the pills saved her life and gave her more years, but also weakened her and made her sick in other ways -- worst of all was the lingering cloud over our heads that the cancer might come back. Thankfully it never did -- she'd suffered enough already. Then the Polio she was attacked by as a child threw in it's last kick. All she could do for the most part was rest in bed. I still wonder if things got worse because the other health problems kept her immobile in bed too much -- the doctor said it could be, but we'd never really know.

In our early 70's, we both knew we'd been blessed beyond what we might have deserved -- at least, speaking for myself; I know I was blessed by her being in my life. She said the same to me almost every day. Right now, I'm adrift. To be honest, I don't care if I die tonight. Some say it get's better with time ... I say, they don't know what the hell they're talking about. How can it get better after being the best it could ever be in the first place? There's no replacing the love we built and shared together. I won't even think about it, much less pursue such folly. No, what I'll do is replay every memory I have left of her and even that is getting harder. As the days turn into years, it seems little scraps and bits of those memories are fading and sometimes get lost in a blank darkness. It's my greatest fear; that one day I might not even have my memories of our lives together. Isn't that a description of hell -- a living hell?

But while I can remember, I'm gonna write these memories down. I'll write about everything I can remember -- that first night -- that time I almost lost the love of my life because of stupidity and listening to other people's advice instead of my own heart. And Mom was right, that year really did solidify what Micky and I had together. I'll write about the wedding in the Catholic Church down in Farmington where all of her family lived. I'll write about the big barbecue her folks put on after the priest pronounced us man and wife till death do we part. I'll write about every childbirth -- I just wish I'd started writing sooner when the memories were crisp and fresh.

Then I'll read my same romance novel over and over until my tears run dry and these old eyes go dark. There's no way to explain love to someone who's never known true love -- a love where the saying that 'the two become one' is a reality, not just a saying. So here I sit, the box from the shelf in our closet open in front of me. She kept the first Valentine's day card I gave her -- including the scratched out name of that silly girl so long ago ... and 'My Friend Micky' hastily scribbled in it's place. I'm gonna read every one of them again, both mine to her and the ones she gave me every year. Seems a silly custom on a casual glance at the box full of cards -- and I'm sure that for some people a card is no more than wasted paper. But not these cards. These cards are my lifeline right now. These cards were treasured by the one person I ever treasured more than anyone or anything.

Ya know, we lived our lives here in the Durango area. Like all old people, we complained about the rapid growth from our days to now. I know it's happening everywhere, but it hurts when all the secret places she and I knew in our lives together are overrun. But deeper down, I know it's all a wild and wonderful discovery to those young ones who are just like Micky and I were for our whole life together -- roaming around the back roads, taking risks I wouldn't take today. Making love under the stars on a clear summer night in a small grove of Aspens -- the leaves fluttering in a light breeze making it seem that the millions of stars above us are blinking on and off as we lay together as naked as the first man and the first woman on Earth. And what about those other times hunkering down in fear as the thunderstorm grows, the wind trying to rip our tent from the ground and the thunder sounds like a stick of dynamite just on the other side of the tent's thin cloth. All I can do is be thankful for all we had and all that we experienced for the time we had allotted to us. I guess that I should stop now -- I need to go into town and pick out my 2022 Valentine's Day card for her before all the kids and grand-kids show-up. I figure Micky's watching me ... I want her to know that she's still my only Valentine -- my one and only love. ~

THE END

There's been a few readers who had some trouble following the story timeline. Thought I add a Timeline Summary: Both born in 1950, both in final years of college together in 1973 and both +/- 23 years old, Started dating on Valentine's Day 1973, Married one year later on Valentine's day in 1974. Both in early 70's in 2022, Micky dies two weeks before Valentines Day 2022.