Fate

Just as Justin was getting ready to celebrate his first anniversary, he called me and told me that his wife was pregnant. He was jumping around on the phone, ecstatic and scared at the same time. I really was happy for him. Over the next few months, I tried to date. I would go out from time to time and occasionally even go home with one of them. It never clicked. The sex was okay; it was fine. But there was nothing to it. It paled compared to that one night almost three years ago. So I gave up after a few times, okay twice.

I got one of the happiest calls I had ever heard one morning in April. Justin was the proud daddy of twin boys: Andrew and Matthew. I promised I would make the four-hour drive and see them later that day. I made the trip that afternoon. But, I was greeted by absolute horror in Seattle. Shortly after the boys were born, Justin’s wife threw a blood clot and had a massive stroke. She was dead. It all happened during the time I drove. Justin went from being a husband to a widower in such a short time. He was devastated.

When I arrived, Justin clutched me as if I were has last hope. I served as a lifeline to sanity. His heart was breaking. I held him in my arms at the hospital, damning myself because all I could think about was how right this felt. I wanted so badly to lift his face to mine and kiss his pain away. I wanted to take him home and show him that there was love in his life. That it hadn’t ended this day. I felt so damn guilty holding him, thinking these thoughts, and feeling like a bastard for having them in the first place.

The twins had been a little early. I helped Justin plan and carry out a funeral before he had to bring them home. The night before he was to bring the babies home, he begged me to stay and help him. I didn’t want to, I knew it would only lead to heartache. But I couldn’t leave him alone either. He told me that he could put them in daycare once they were a year old. He asked me to put my life on hold and take care of his children. I did the only thing I felt I could do. I called and quit my job and had my things shipped to Seattle. I stayed in the guest room of Justin’s house and helped care for two infants.

I knew nothing about babies. But I quickly learned how to change diapers and hold and feed two fast growing boys. I was there when they smiled the first time and giggled and laughed. I was there when they crawled for the first time and even for their first words. The first night that Andy got sick and I had to hold and rock him through his sniffles I knew I had made another huge mistake. I had grown to love these two little ones as much as I loved their father.

Justin was just as devoted as I was. He worked hard all day but came home and played and held both of them as much as he could before they went to bed. I got to the point where I didn’t even notice the extra laundry and cooking. I became a housewife.

There were some nights where Justin would close himself off in his room and things would get very quiet. But those nights became fewer and fewer the longer the months progressed. Our relationship became very odd. I couldn’t define what it was we shared. We were friends to the outside world; I became almost a live in domestic helper. But, there were moments of rare tenderness between us. When Matt pulled himself up on the coffee table and then fell down and bumped his head, we became two skittish parents holding and comforting a crying baby. We marveled over the first tooth together and we argued over what they would wear for their first pictures. We were so domestically normal. But there was no love spoken. There was no hint of a kiss or gentle caress. I didn’t expect any. I was a friend he needed, a buffer between unbearable loss and great responsibility. I understood how difficult life would be for them. Each year when the boys would want to celebrate their birthday, it would be a constant reminder of the death of Justin’s wife.

When the boys were almost a year old, I knew the time we agreed upon was almost over. I wanted to be there for their first birthday party but planned to leave after unless Justin asked me to stay. I was just pathetic enough to know I would stay until high school graduation if he would let me, even if things stayed just as they were between us. I didn’t know how to approach Justin about it. How would he feel celebrating the birth of his children on the same day he had lost his wife? I didn’t know what to do. But I screwed up my courage and approached him a few nights before their birthday.

“Justin, I want to talk about the boys’ birthday.”

“What about it?”

I was nervous about it. “I wanted to have a party for them, with presents and a cake.”

“I don’t see why not.”

I smiled at him and decided to press about our arrangement. “Justin, it has been a year. You told me that you would place the boys in daycare once they were one.” My voice trailed off, I didn’t know how to ask the questions; how to word them.

“I am going to put them in daycare so you can go on with your life. I have asked too much of you.”

“I didn’t mind. I was glad to help.” I knew my heart was ripping. He was sending me away. “I’m going to miss them so much. I was hoping they would take their first steps before I left.” My heart was in my throat; I was wringing my hands, nervous and hurting. “I’m kind of worried about it actually, the books I read said they should be walking—“

He cut me off. “You are not their mother.”

I was shocked. “No, I am not. I am just concerned.”

“You are not their father either.” He was so angry all of a sudden.

Where was this coming from? “No you are their father. They call you ‘daddy’. They just call me Marc.”

“Why are you hanging around Marc? Why don’t you get a life and stop living yours vicariously through mine? Are you hoping I will be looking for a mother to replace my wife? Trust me, I won’t be asking you to fill in for her.”

If he had punched me in the stomach I don’t think he could have made the air leave me any faster. I knew then that he probably knew how I felt about him. He knew and I must have come up lacking.

“You’re right Justin.” I guess I’m transparent. “If it is okay with you I will stay for the party and then go. I’ll be all packed and gone once they are in bed that night.”

He looked at me kind of strangely. So I continued. “Justin, I know that one night doesn’t mean anything here.” I pointed to my head then moved my hand to my heart. “But I can’t seem to get it here.”

I turned from him and left. I went into my room and decided to start packing. I had nine days to figure out where I was going and what I would do when I got there. Over the next couple of days I took as many pictures of Matt and Andy that I could. I called my folks and decided to move in with them for a few weeks in Portland to get on my feet. The night before the boys’ party, Justin tried to give me a check. God; that hurt. I was no longer a friend, but a domestic servant having done a job. Because I knew it was a hard time for him full of painful memories, I took the check but knew I would never cash it. During the party I gave Justin a wide berth and just enjoyed watching the boys smash their fists into their cakes. I had given them a set of riding/push toys that would allow them to toddle along behind or push them along like a bike. Everyone left but Justin and his mom. He went into his room and I carried my things out to my car. I had the last load in and wanted to say goodbye to the boys one last time. I walked into their room and saw Andy awake. He had pulled himself up to standing. His face lit up when he saw me and banged his hands against the crib. I walked over and picked him up and cuddled him when I sat down in the rocker. I looked down into his blue eyes, so much like his daddy’s.

“I am going to miss you and your brother so much.” I stroked a finger over his face, curling around his cheek, tracing the slope of his nose. “But I need to leave. I need to live my life for myself and not vicariously through your daddy.” He smiled at me and grabbed my finger. “I know, you don’t know what vicarious means. I guess I have just been an emotional vampire, craving to be around your dad to get a few scraps of his time.” He grinned at me and I felt my throat tighten with tears. “Of course you want to know why I am in here telling you and not your daddy.” His hand came up and patted at my face, I pretended to bite it and he started laughing. “The truth is I could never get over one night we spent together. I fell in love with your daddy and never had the courage to tell him.” I cradled him to me, hugging him hard. “I love you Andy and I will miss you every day once I am gone. But you’re lucky. Within a few months, you won’t remember me. But I will always remember you. Even when you are forty years old I will still love you and hold in my heart this past year. And I will always love your daddy. If I weren’t such a coward I would go tell him that.” Andy yawned in my arms and I stayed quiet while I rocked him to sleep. When he was out I picked him up and put him in his crib. I walked over to Matt’s crib and leant down and kissed his soft head then walked out the door. I went back into my room and found the check Justin had given me. I wrote VOID over it and left it on the dresser. I walked out and found Justin’s door open and the room dark. I found Justin’s mom sitting on the couch. I told her goodbye before I walked out. Justin wasn’t there. I made it almost all the way to Portland before I broke down. I checked into a hotel in Centralia and decided to stay there before going on in the morning.

Life became a lot like a black and white movie, lots of shadows but no light, no color. I had moved into my own place within a month of returning to Oregon. I didn’t date; I just worked and came home, to sit and read without comprehending, watch television without seeing, and sleep without dreaming. I knew I was in a grand funk, my mother was afraid I wasn’t going to pull out of it. But I refused to call and ask after the boys or Justin. I was going to move on.

The boys’ birthday was on April 12th. On June 1st, I was home, wondering whether or not to go out when a knock at my door stirred me from my musings. Justin stood there, smiling at me. Oh God! I am never going to get over him. I smiled back at him. He had a bag in his hand and he sort of pushed into my apartment and told me he needed to talk to me.

“How are the boys?”

“Good, they miss you. Andy took his first step the other day.”

I just smiled at him. It must have been a little wobbly because he stepped closer to me. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me lightly. He pulled back and looked at me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

My heart was beating madly and I couldn’t focus on what he was saying. “Tell you what?”

“That you loved me.”

I looked at him strangely. He just went on. “The baby monitor was on when you were saying goodbye. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Oh Justin, how could I tell you that I couldn’t get over one night in bed with you. That I knew that morning you would turn away from me and I couldn’t face that.” I walked away from him, staring out the window. “Justin, I never meant to fall. I tried to get over it. I didn’t stay and help you because of it either.”

“I thought that night… I didn’t think you thought it was as wonderful as I did. I love you Marc.”

I was shocked. What was he saying? Good question, so I asked him. “Justin, what are you saying?”

“I love you. I need you. I want you to come home with me.”

“I’m confused.”

He smiled at me, that same shiny smile I fell in love with. “I loved my wife and I’m sad that she died, but I don’t want to live my life alone. If she were still alive, I would have stayed with her, happily, until the day I died. But she did and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

I was still in shock. He had been so angry with me. Here he is telling me everything I ever wanted to hear. He must have sensed I was lost.

“Marc, I was confused. I felt guilty for wanting to move on with my life. I had a feeling you wanted me, but I felt guilty about wanting you too. So I said those horrible things and hurt you. I needed some more time and I wasn’t able to ask you to stay. I needed this time away, to realize how much I missed you, before I could face my past and move on. I’m so sorry.”

“But you’re not gay.”

“When we were together, I realized that I could be with you and not question. I was attracted to you and I was curious. But that first time jerking off on your bed would have satisfied my curiosity. Everything else was enjoyment and discovery. Do I have a label that describes my desires, maybe, but I don’t need it and I don’t care.” He cupped my face in his hands and brushed his lips against mine. “I’ve never been one to go from person to person. I seem to only be able to be with one person and when I find that person, it needs to be forever. I tried to be indiscriminate, but I was dissatisfied. Making love to someone I loved was so much more satisfying than having sex with a virtual stranger.”

“You love me?”

He smiled that smile again. “With all my heart.”

“Where are the boys?”

“With my mother. I figured we needed some time to be together, to learn ourselves again. We need to make love and talk and laugh and love.”

With that he took my hand and on a tour of my apartment until he found my bedroom. He pushed me down on my king-size bed and took off my shirt. He lowered his head to my chest and lapped at the hair in the middle, stroking lightly and moved slowly to my nipple. He latched onto it with his teeth, biting hard. I cried out and he then released it and laved it, soothing the sharp sensations. He pulled off and blew cool air over it and I shuddered under him. He knelt between my legs and drew off his shirt and started shucking his jeans and shoes and socks. In seconds he was naked in front of me. He stood very hard in front of me; so very, very thick and curved up slightly. He grabbed my jeans and underwear in one grip and yanked them off me so I was just as nude as he. I stood at attention, so hard that I bobbed with each beat of my heart. He lowered himself on me; chest to chest and cock to cock. He kissed me hard and began humping against me. I pulled back from his hard kiss and warned him that I wouldn’t last long; it had been so very long since I had been with anyone. He told me it had been since before his wife died that he had made love. He shut me up with another deep kiss. A few more thrusts of his hips and I exploded into the soft fur on his belly. Feeling me explode, he let loose into the hair on my chest. He came so much that I was afraid I would have my hair glued as if by bubble gum.

He had completely collapsed against me. I wrapped my arms around him and we dozed. We woke up a little while later. When we tried to pull away from each other, we were stuck together with cum. We laughed and moved in tandem to my shower. The warm water allowed us to pull apart without ripping out chunks of hair. We washed each other off and kissed long and hard. We were connecting physically, spiritually and emotionally.

We moved from the shower and collapsed on the bed. He went searching in my bedside table and didn’t find what he wanted. He looked at me and asked how long it had been. I told him the truth, since just after his wedding almost three years ago. He was shocked at first then saddened that I was alone for so long. I simply told him I wasn’t alone until I came home after the birthday party. I had a family and love while I had been at his house. He was disappointed I didn’t have what we would need to make love. I told him that I had some Vaseline in the bathroom and it would do if he wanted to forgo a condom. He didn’t even question, he got up and got the Vaseline and we went at each other. We had a minor skirmish over who would go first. We both wanted the other to be happy and we both wanted to receive. After a few minutes I grabbed a penny off the table and we flipped for it. Once the coin was flipped and Justin had greased up his cock, we both laughed at how ridiculous we had been. I was still giggling until Justin pressed to me. I arched my back at the extreme pleasure. He was so considerate and gentle. It had been so long and he knew how thick he was. He moved slowly, rocking me gently until he had seated himself fully. He kissed me deeply and asked if I was okay. When I smiled and nodded, he began to move.

Memories fade over time, and I had definitely relived our previous time together. The memory had faded, but the new reality overwhelmed me. He moved within me slowly. I clasped him and he thrust. We were one undulating mass of raw, sensitized nerve endings. When we would get close to the edge, he would stop so we had to build again and again. I thought it was cruel. I thought it was heaven. Justin looked down at me and smiled, that same smile of warmth and it was too much. I exploded against him. I must have spurted for minutes against the soft hair on his chest and belly. He looked down at the damage I had caused and laughed before shuddering into me.

We took turns after that. We spent the next six days in bed, laughing, talking, and loving. We decided to move into a different home in Seattle so he could keep his job, but we would live in a home of our choosing. His mom was a bit surprised by our coming together, but not upset. Justin wanted me to adopt the boys. His late wife’s parents weren’t keen on the idea. I was willing to drop the idea to smooth the strong emotions. But Justin demanded it. Eventually it worked out. They had seen how well I cared for the boys and how much I loved them. After a few years they admitted that if Justin had remarried they would know that his new wife would raise their grandchildren. It just took them some time.

I almost forgot. When we picked up the boys from his mother’s after our wonderful week in my apartment, the boys both ran into my arms. They hadn’t forgotten me. I don’t usually cry. I had never been a crier. But I was right there in the entryway of Justin’s mom’s house. We both just turned 30 a few months ago. The boys are in the first grade and very precocious. There have been a few bumps in our road, mostly from external sources. But each new wave simply makes us stronger. Legally, we are nothing. Spiritually, we are inseparable. Fate brought us together in college and horrible tragedy brought us together for good. I found that one must never question fate.