Flight Delay

"The biggest problem for me has been that right after I did it I knew that I was wrong and that my anger was misguided. I had never told you how angry I was every time you had to miss a special occasion because of some trip you had to go on. I just bottled everything up until I finally lost control. I wanted to hurt you but I didn't want you to know that you had been hurt. How sick was that?"

I was speechless. All I could do was stare at Kate. I tried to think of a response to what she told me but nothing came to mind.

"Jim, I know you may not believe me but I am truly sorry for what I did and have been so ever since it happened. I have been trying every way I can to make it up to you but I don't know how to erase what I did. Remember the anger management class I took last fall. I told you it was to help me be a better teacher. It wasn't really a class. I was in therapy. I was trying to understand why I was so angry and how I could control my anger in the future. I never wanted to hurt our marriage but I did. I am tempted to beg you to forgive me but I won't. If you ever forgive me it has to be because it's what you want to do, not because I begged you to."

"If you felt so guilty for what you did why didn't you just confess this to me last year?" Finally my brain had stared working again.

"If I had confessed to you last year we would have had this same conversation then. I had hoped that we would never have this conversation. I admit I was afraid of how you would react and I still am. My hope was that if I worked hard enough at loving you that if you ever did find out what I did you would be able to forgive me but I was never sure if you would."

"But you should have told me. You have kept this terrible secret from me for more than a year. We could have dealt with this when it happened and it would be over with by now."

"I was trying to protect you from the pain you're feeling now. If I had told you last summer right after this happened it would have eased my conscience but it would have hurt you. One of us hurting was enough."

"God damn you," I yelled.

"I know you hate me right now but please don't shout at me."

"I suppose the next thing you'll say is that you'll do anything to make this up to me," I said quietly but with enough anger in my voice to make my point.

"No. I know there is nothing I can do make this all better. I know you still love me, at least a little, otherwise you wouldn't be here now. My hope is that the love you still have for me will at least make you want to try and get past this.

"I love you but the decision of where we go from here is up to you. I know that's not fair. You didn't do anything wrong but you're the one that has to make the tough decision now. Just know that I will love you no matter what you decide to do."

I couldn't believe the anger I was feeling at that moment. I thought that I had been prepared for what she was going to tell me, after all her version did match what Kyle had told me. Apparently I wasn't ready. I was about to tell Kate about my weekend in Vegas with Joey, to let her feel the hurt I felt when I found out about her night with Kyle.

I looked at Kate and again noticed how bad she looked. It was obvious to me that she had been suffering over the last four months. She was looking at me with hope in her eyes and I just couldn't do it. I just could make myself hurt her that way. "What are you going to do?" Kate asked.

"I don't know. I guess I need some time to think."

For the first time since we entered the room Kate look away from me. Her head dropped and she stared at the floor for a moment. Then she got up and walked over to me.

"I know I said I wouldn't beg but I pray that you will find a way to get past this and forgive me," Kate said and then she bent down and kissed me on the forehead. "I am going to fix some dinner. Will you stay?" Kate said.

"I live here, don't I?"

Kate smiled at me for a moment. "Would you like a drink before dinner?"

"Is there any beer?"

"I'll get you one."

Kate brought me a beer and returned to the kitchen to start dinner. I sat by myself in the family room and thought about what Kate had told me and compared it to what Kyle had said. I believed that Kate had told me the truth because the only other possibility was that Kate and Kyle cooked up that elaborate story. If they were going lie to me why not just say that they didn't have sex. Kate could have admitted to fooling around in the bar and then said that they didn't have sex. I had no proof of anything. Kevin saw them kissing and getting on the elevator but he didn't see them having sex.

During dinner Kate kept looking over at me. She looked as if she was afraid I was going to get up and leave. We didn't talk much during dinner and only spoke a few words as we watched some television afterward.

At ten o'clock Kate got up and headed for the stairs. "I'll sleep in the guest room and let you have the master bedroom," Kate said.

"No. We'll sleep together," I said.

"Are you sure? I thought that you wouldn't want me to be that close to you tonight," Kate said.

"I slept with you for nearly a year after your affair and it didn't kill me so I can certainly share a bed with you tonight," I said.

I waited until I was sure Kate was in bed before I went up. When I climbed into bed Kate looked at me and said, "I love you. Thanks for coming home and giving me a chance to talk to you. I'll be here for you whenever you decide you are ready to be with me. I only pray that it will be soon."

"We'll see."

Sunday went a lot better. Kate got over her fear that I was going to leave and we started talking about things other than her affair. She talked about the kids in her class and what was going on at the school. She asked about my job and how long I had before my next project started.

"There is another project starting this month in San Diego," I said.

Kate's eyes started to fill with tears. "How soon will you have to leave?"

"Not right away," I said trying to be non-committal.

"I had hoped that we would have some time to work through our problems," Kate said. "I'll take whatever time we can have."

Monday morning I mowed the lawn and did some yard clean up and stayed away from Kate as much as I could. I was raking up some grass clippings in the back yard when Kate came out onto the deck to shake out a rug. As I watched her I felt very sad. I missed being with Kate more than I had realized. I wanted our life back the way it was before but I didn't know how to make that happen.

Over the next couple of days, every time I was in a room with Kate, she seemed to be walking on eggshells. Whenever I started to say something, Kate stiffened as if she expected bad news. It got so bad by Wednesday night that I had to say something about it.

"Kate, you are making us both crazy. I can't help but feel that you are afraid of me right now," I said.

"I guess I am afraid. You haven't told me what you are going to do and I'm scared," Kate said. "I keep expecting you to say that you don't love me anymore and that you are going to leave me."

Something about the look on Kate's face got to me. She looked so pained and sad that I couldn't look at her anymore. I got up from my chair and said, "I am going into my office for a while so that I can think. I am planning to go into the office tomorrow to talk to John about my next assignment and when it will begin."

As I left the room I saw the worry on Kate's face.

I sat in my office trying to work through my feelings. I knew that I still loved Kate but I was still angry about what she had done. Suddenly something she had told me on Saturday came to me. It was when I asked her why she didn't come to me right after her fling with Kyle Porter and tell me about it.

Kate said, "I was trying to protect you from the pain you're feeling now. If I had told you last summer right after this happened it would have eased my conscience but it would have hurt you. One of us hurting was enough."

It was at that moment that I thought about why I hadn't told Kate about my weekend with Joey. I was beginning to understand. She thought that if I never knew about her fuck up in Cortland I wouldn't be hurt by it. If I believed that she should have told me about her night with Kyle right after it happened then I should tell her about Joey. Well, I not only didn't tell Kate but I was certain that I was never going to tell her. This was one time when there was no clear answer to what was the right thing to do.

One thing that did become clear to me was that my having sex with Joey was wrong. I might have been able to justify it if I had done it to get even with Kate for what she had done but that wasn't why I did it. What happened with Joey was that I suddenly found myself alone with a very attractive, sexy woman that was willing to have sex with me. I never stopped to think of why I was doing it or what the consequences of my actions might be. What if Kate hadn't strayed? Would I have so easily have fallen into bed with Joey? I couldn't say for sure but I think I might not have been able to resist the temptation.

So which one of us was more in the wrong? Kate for having sex with Kyle Porter because she let her anger get out of control causing a momentary lapse of good judgment. Or, was it me, for so easily succumbing to the invitation to have sex with Joey?

Until that weekend with Joey I had always been a faithful husband. It was true that I would not have been in Vegas with Joey if it hadn't been for Kate's escapade with Porter but was that the cause of what I did or just incidental to the event. I began to wonder if the only reason that I had always been faithful to Kate was because I had never before been presented with the opportunity to cheat on Kate with a beautiful woman.

By the end of the evening I still didn't know what I should do but I knew what I wanted to do.

In the morning I went to see Jack Brown. He asked me how I was doing and I told him how things were between Kate and me. Then we talked about the LA project and what lessons we learned from it and then I told Jack what I wanted to do.

When I walked into the house later that afternoon Kate was looking at me anxiously. "When do you have to start the new job?" Kate asked. I could hear the quiver in her voice as she spoke.

"A week from Monday, I am on vacation until then," I said.

"How long will you be away this time?" Kate said.

"I guess about forty to sixty hours a week."

"What do you mean by forty to sixty hours?"

"Just that as the manager of the engineering department I will have to put in some long days but I should be home every night."

Tears were pouring down Kate's cheeks and her lips began to quiver. "You got the management job? No more travel?"

"That's right," I said.

"What about us?"

"I'm still here, aren't I?"

Kate jump out of her chair and came to me. She threw her arms around me and held onto me. "I will make you happy. I promise you that you will never regret giving me another chance," she whispered in my ear.

I put my hands on Kate's shoulders and push her back a little so that I could look into her face. "This may not be easy for either of us but I have decided that I want us to try and save our marriage," I said. "If this is going to work I have to know that you won't get pissed at me some day and do something that stupid again."

"I won't. I promise that I will talk to you instead of letting the pressure build up like I did," Kate said. "I'll start going to the anger management group again if you want me to."

"I don't know if that will be necessary but I want a promise from you that if I suggest that you do that later you will do it without arguing with me."

"I promise," Kate said and grabbed my face and kissed me hard on the mouth and then pulled away with a look of fear on her face. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have done that, I know you might not be ready to resume physical contact with me yet."

"It's too late to take it back now," I said and I picked Kate up and carried her up to our bedroom. I hadn't been thinking about the physical part of our relationship until Kate kissed me. Frankly, I was a little surprised at how quickly I became erect from that one kiss.

*****

"How long?" Kate asked.

"A month."

"A whole month? Where?"

"England and Ireland first, then France and finally Italy," I said.

"I'm so excited I might pee my pants."

"Not here. It will leave a puddle under your chair and the other customers will see it," I said.

It had been two years since I had decided to work with Kate to save our marriage. The first two or three months were difficult but in time we worked things out. We went to marriage counseling for a few months and gradually the pain and anger were gone and I was in love with Kate again.

We were having dinner out to celebrate our anniversary when I told Kate about the European vacation I had booked for us to begin as soon as Kate's school year ended in June.

Kate was holding her wine glass in front of her face and she was smiling at me. "So we go sight seeing all day but what do we do at night?" Kate asked.

"Make a baby," I said.

"You sure know how to plan a great vacation," Kate said. "Did I tell you how much I love you today?"

"Yes and you told me yesterday too."

"I just don't ever want a day to go by that I don't tell you that I love you."

"I like it better when you show me," I said.

"So do I," Kate said. "Let's go home."

The End