Gabriella Ch. 09

She lowered her head to his chest again. "Guess I did too."

More time passed as they both lay still, their partially naked bodies entangled.

"I love you so much." He breathed in heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose to squelch any tears. "I just don't know if I say it too much or not enough."

She glanced up at him and smiled. "I think you say it just the right amount. And I love you too." She sighed and rolled off him. "I guess I will go see Ella. You're right, what's the worst that could happen? She ignores me. Been there, done that."

"Exactly."

She pecked his lips and stood. "I should get to bed. There's a job search with my name all over it in the morning."

A mix of guilt and pride swelled within him when she wobbled toward their bedroom. But soon he also felt the aches from their lovemaking when he stood.

"Fuck..." he mumbled and rubbed his knees.

He made his way down the hallway and stopped at Gabriella's bedroom door.

He and Patricia had an unspoken pact to keep her door shut, each for their own reasons. One morning when he had ignored the rule and opened the door, the heady scent of strawberry and cinnamon invaded his nose, momentarily short-circuiting his senses and leaving him short of breath.

Nowadays it remained shut.

Heaviness formed over his feet as he was held in place in the hallway, evenly between Gabriella's door and his bedroom door. He couldn't keep tiptoeing around his own home as if a ghost inhabited the room. It was just a room. Nothing more, nothing less. As long as it remained sealed, then it felt as though he were hiding something.

He turned the knob and pushed the door open. The intoxicating aroma still lingered, but the bare cold room seemed foreign. Her bed was neatly made, crisp white sheets peeking beneath the lavender comforter which hadn't been disturbed in months.

He tried to picture her in this space, lying upside down in a messy bed, her feet tapping against the wall to the beat blaring from her headphones. Or straddling her window sill as she smoked a cigarette.

Or standing by the edge of the bed, slowly unbuttoning her shirt as she waited for him to make the decision to step through the door...

Just a room. Nothing more, nothing less.

He left the door wide open and turned to enter his bedroom.

**********

Patricia

Snowflakes swirled around Patricia, not heavy enough to stick but bothersome enough to freeze her cheeks and the tip of her nose. Her frozen index finger hovered above the intercom button to Steven's building as she contemplated her decision.

She felt horrible dropping in on him unannounced, but had she told him of her impromptu visit, he would have tipped off Ella and something might have "come up" last minute to make her unavailable.

Patricia held her breath, about to press the button when a car screeched around the corner with their lights blinding her. Ella stepped from the car and gave a half-hearted backwards wave as the car zoomed out of the parking lot. Patricia licked her lips as nervousness coursed through her the closer Ella's footsteps sounded along the stone walkway.

Patricia exhaled deeply and stepped out from beneath the shadow of the awning above the door. "Hey Ella."

Ella released a small gasp and came to a halt.

For several seconds, neither said a word.

"How are you?" Patricia asked, each word creating white cloud puffs in the night air.

"Fine..." Ella answered slowly, her brow lifted. "What are you doing here?"

"I came by to see if we could talk. I know so much has happened and we haven't—"

"Tonight's not a good night."

The tension crackled between them as they stood on opposite sides of their ten year impasse.

Ella shifted her feet. "It's just that I have to be at work early tomorrow, so..."

Patricia nodded, but couldn't force her body to retreat.

Ella sighed heavily before moving around her and punching in the security code. The door buzzed and Patricia quickly followed after her.

"Ella, we really need to talk."

"And I told you tonight wasn't a good night."

"Then when is?"

"I don't know, I'll check my calendar and get back to you."

"No." Patricia gripped her arm. "Tonight."

Ella jerked her arm away and stared her down. "And if I don't want to?"

Patricia held her ground with as much intimidation she could muster. "Then I'm going to talk and talk until you hear me, even if I have to do it through the door."

Ella raised a brow. "Suit yourself."

Inside Steven's apartment, Ella barely cleared the door before she pulled her burgundy work shirt over her head, leaving her lacey black bra visible to all.

Patricia's eyes widened as she searched for Steven, but relaxed when she realized he wasn't there. She followed Ella into her bedroom and headed for the bathroom behind her when Ella slammed the door, barring her entrance.

Patricia closed her eyes and leaned against the door. She knew better than to think Ella would make this easy on her.

With a sigh, she picked up Ella's shirt and placed it on her bed.

A few minutes later Ella emerged from the bathroom in a towel, an annoyed expression swimming in her eyes as she walked past her to the dresser where she pulled out light pink panties and a thin gray tank top. She glanced over her shoulder before shaking her head and dropping the towel.

Patricia tried to remember the exact moment when she'd realized Ella had shed her girly string bean figure for the womanly curves she now possessed. Curves that had been a great source of anxiety once Patricia realized Ella knew exactly how to use them.

Ella slid into her undergarments and turned around, her expression blank.

She took in her daughter's freshly washed face. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, but around her temple and the nape of her neck, the small fine hairs curled as a result of the steamy shower. When she was in elementary school, her class pictures were always taken at the end of the day, after she'd played hard during recess, and her hair curled from sweat in a similar manner. The images of the past made her smile.

"So what did you want?" Ella asked, cutting through the memory.

Patricia's throat felt lodged with sand. Now that she was here to confront their past, saying things aloud was much different than keeping them deep in the recesses of her mind. Saying them aloud made them real and she had avoided that for so long.

She quickly turned away and took in Ella's new room. "This is really nice. And a lot bigger than your other room. Are you okay living here with Steven?"

"I thought he gave you updates."

"He told me you were doing well, but I'd like to hear it from you."

"I'm fine."

"Good. And how's the new semester."

Ella leaned back against her dresser. "Mom, will you please stop doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"This...this thing you keep doing." Ella sounded tired. "Look, I know you really want us to have this mother-daughter relationship you see in your head, but it's just not going to happen. I accepted it years ago and I really wish you would too."

A thicker skin should have congealed over the years, but Ella's rejection still sliced through, opening an old wound that refused to heal.

"Maybe one day when you're a mother, you'll understand why I can't accept it," she answered softly. "And after I explain everything tonight, I hope you understand why I can't..." a knot formed in her stomach, "...why I won't let go."

She waited for Ella to contest or insist she had to go to bed, but when she didn't budge, Patricia began.

"You know I was your age when I had you, right?"

Ella gave a slight, bored nod.

Patricia sat down on the bed, her knees losing their nerve while her hand ran over the smooth black and white patterns on the comforter. Her mind drifted back to those lost moments of her life. "I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know where to turn to. Your father was basically out of the picture and I knew I couldn't go to my folks. I didn't know the first thing about being a parent, but I knew it was the opposite of what my own had been to me. So after weeks of struggling to find an answer, I turned to..." her breath caught in her throat, "...Hopeful Living."

She searched Ella's eyes for some confirmation that she understood, but Ella showed nothing. Just the same blank stare that she reserved for her. "Do you know what that is?"

Ella nodded.

"Oh." Then panic set in wondering if Ella had once had the same problem. "Have you ever been there?"

Ella stared through her. "I know what it is."

"Okay." Patricia couldn't think about it if she was going to get through this. "Well, I got there early and sat in the car for several hours, just thinking until my appointment time rolled around. And when it was time, I placed my hand on the door handle, and I swear to you Ella, right as I got ready to step out of the car I felt you move. Of course now I know it was only nerves, but then I felt this surge of hope and if I was ever going to make anything in my life right and mean something, it would be this. You. So I tore out of the parking lot and never looked back."

"What does this have to do—"

"Let me finish," Patricia said.

Ella exhaled and stared down at her feet.

"And I told you that only so you'd understand how I felt you were a miracle to me that day. You felt like this saving grace and I wanted to protect you from everything. Everyone. Including..." Images of her mother sitting at the kitchen table in a housecoat, lowball glass filled to the rim with vodka and a cigarette as she stared out of the window waiting for her father to come home rushed over her. "Including me."

"My relationship with my own mother wasn't good. But I swore to myself that whatever emotional scars I carried from that relationship would end with me. That you would always be protected from that. But as I got older there were so many times that I felt myself becoming her. I wasn't cruel like she was, but I could feel my spirit deflate for no reason and all I wanted to do was be left alone to cry. And I refused to expose you to that, so I did what I thought at the time was right. I..." her voice faltered, "...left. I'd take long drives out of town and sometimes out of the state. I found myself checking into random hotels just to lie on the bed and get away from everything. Sleep the day away...my life away until I felt better. Whole again."

She wiped at a quick succession of tears. "I c-could see you so clearly in my head, knowing you'd be watching your f-favorite cartoon as you ate a bowl of cereal. Then you'd t-take a bath and go to bed wondering when I was coming home. And I..."

What little poise she had left crumbled as sobs overtook her voice and Ella blurred from the onslaught of tears pouring down her face. The constricting in her ribcage intensified, crushing her heart and lungs, making it impossible to breathe. She rubbed at her chest praying she wasn't having a heart attack.

She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply through her hiccups and sniffles while the quiet lonely nights on Hemley Street surfaced. The dark cramped apartment held memories that she hoped to forget. Memories Ella hadn't forgotten...but would hopefully forgive.

"You have no idea how embarrassed and upset I am with myself. But I swear to you, I thought it was the best way to keep my issues from becoming yours. I saw firsthand with my mother how it could change a child just being near someone so toxic. It wasn't until later that I realized being left alone..." more tears tickled her face, "...was just the pretty way of saying neglected, and that was more harmful than anything I could have done had I'd just stayed."

Everything quieted as time stood still. Finally the large weight had been lifted from her chest. All these years she had been too embarrassed to admit her failings as a mother, although Ella's behavior was all the proof anyone needed.

But the lifted weight soared only for a moment before it came crashing down on top of her as a single tear hovered beneath Ella's eyelid before it dropped. She quickly swiped it away as another threatened but she moved from the dresser and rifled through her purse.

"Ella, I..."

She pulled out a pack of cigarettes and walked out without a word.

Patricia stared at the spot Ella had vacated as her mind drifted again. Four year old Ella's soft sniffles and large wet hazel eyes watching her closely as she applied a Band-Aid to a nasty cut on her elbow after a tumble. Back then she had been able to kiss the tears away as she picked her up and told her that everything would be okay.

But Ella had several more tumbles over the years and she had not been there to pick her up. No one had...until Simon. But she was here now and determined to make up for past mistakes and have a future with her. She took a deep breath and walked out.

Patricia's heart dropped to her feet and she swallowed back a gasp when she saw Ella on the balcony. Her thin top billowed in the wind as she sat perched on the granite banister with one leg dangling over the edge.

A shiver climbed up Patricia's spine when she slid open the balcony door and she wasn't sure if it was due to the chilly weather or the ten story drop Ella balanced on. "Please be careful."

Ella blew smoke upwards as a quietness settled over the balcony, sweeping the clean sharp smell of winter around them. Patricia pulled her jacket tighter and squeezed her jaw shut to halt the clattering of her teeth as the cold night air showed no mercy.

Patricia moved closer to the banister and stared out at the flickering lights of downtown. "Was I wrong to tell you those things?"

When she didn't respond, Patricia glanced up at her daughter's profile. They may have shared looks, but that's where the similarities stopped. Most of her life she had been cautious, shy and a bit of a worry-wart, while Ella was reckless, uninhibited and indifferent. She was the peacemaker and Ella was the fighter.

"I know that was really difficult to hear. Trust me, it was just as difficult to admit."

"Then why did you?" Ella asked, still staring out into the distance.

"Because I want you to understand how much you mean to me. You are the most important thing in my life Ella, and it kills me that..." She looked back out into the night to avoid more tears. "I know I can't make things right overnight, but I hope this can be the beginning of building our relationship."

"I'm so important..." Ella began, tapping the ash from the end of her cigarette, "...yet you chose to rebuild your relationship with Simon first."

Patricia's fear had finally manifested. The decision she knew would come back to bite her. "Please don't think I chose him over you, Ella. It wasn't like that. Things just got..." Myra's words taunted her, "...really complicated at Myra's and I had to leave."

"Complicated." She stared down at her. "You want to hear a little bit of un-complicated truth?"

Patricia leaned against the banister, bracing herself.

"Maybe if you'd kept your appointment twenty years ago, you'd be a hell-of-a lot better off."

"Ella! Don't say that! That's not true and I don't want you to ever think that!"

"It is true, you just can't admit it to yourself. You wouldn't have been tied to my asshole father for life or wasted so much money on hotel rooms or even feel guilty like you do now. And Simon..." she shook her head and exhaled, "...well, things could have turned out differently for you."

"I have never regretted that decision, Ella. Not for one single second in my life. You are the best parts of me and I love you more than anything...everything...and what I do regret is not expressing that to you each and every day so you'd never feel the need to question my love for you." She moved closer to Ella. "All I'm asking for is a chance to work things through and get to know each other again."

"So then, how does this work? You tell me your sob story and I tell you mine? Because the truth is I wasn't sitting at home pining away for you. At least not after I wised up. Over the years, I had plenty of company to keep me occupied during your mini breakdowns."

Patricia's cheeks grew hot. "I'm so sorry."

She shrugged and tapped the ash from her cigarette. "I'm not blaming you. No one held a gun to my head to do all the things I've done." She glanced at her. "And I've done a lot, as I'm sure you've heard."

"They may be things you've done, but they don't define who you are."

Ella smiled. "I'm sure if you asked the people in this small town, they'd say it defines exactly who I am."

"Well, I don't care what they think. They don't know you."

"And neither do you," Ella slung back.

The heaviness of that statement settled over Patricia. She turned and watched the city lights flicker in the distance. "Regardless of the past, I do know some things, Ella. And those things are more than what the judgmental busybodies in this town think they know."

"Really, you know things, huh?" Ella flicked the ashes off the edge of the balcony. "So did you know that your daughter got out of detention sophomore year because she gave Mr. Garrett blowjobs?"

Patricia opened her mouth but a sickening thickness blocked her throat, choking her. Whatever shock she expressed outwardly was nothing to the quaking inwardly. She remembered the constant calls and yellow carbon slips that came in the mail informing her of whatever disciplinary action the school would take for Ella's disobedience...all signed by L. Garrett. But then the notices and calls stopped and Patricia contributed it to Ella getting better.

"Or that senior year, a small audience watched as she let two college guys—"

"Ella, stop!" Patricia shook her head. "Please just...I don't want to hear those things."

"Fine, I'll stop. But then you stop pretending you know me because I haven't been that little girl eating Fruit Loops and waiting up for you in a very long time. And if you really knew me now, I doubt you'd like me very much."

"You're my daughter and nothing could ever change how I feel about you."

"I'm not so sure about that," she responded quietly.

Patricia hesitated before placing her icy hand over Ella's. "Well I am."

Ella's eyes shifted from her face to their hands. Patricia quickly realized her mistake and tried to lift it, but Ella locked her fingers around hers and raised their hands.

She held her breath as Ella slowly dragged her fingertips over the back of her hand until she reached her wedding ring. She began twisting the platinum band until it slid off.

Patricia rubbed the small indentation left around her finger. A warm current flowed through her, remembering the small black box Simon slid across the crisp white table cloth at the upscale French restaurant. He remained silent, his eyes burning deep with more than just the question of marriage. Their love, promises, hopes, everything wrapped in forever was exchanged in those silent moments just before he blurred through her tears. She fanned her face, completely speechless as she nodded emphatically.

Ella examined the diamond closely before slipping it onto her own ring finger.

Patricia was lost in her own thoughts when Ella spoke. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I said do you regret marrying him?"

"Oh. No, never."

Ella stared down at her. "Even though he cheated on you?"

The words punched at her heart, still too raw when spoken aloud.

"It's different when you're married, Ella. You endure a lot more than you thought you ever would. And in a way, it does make you stronger. Love each other even more if that makes sense."

"Don't you ever wonder about her?" Ella asked, handing back the ring. "The other woman."

Myra's venomous words prickled at Patricia's insides as she carefully observed her daughter. The other woman had been a young blonde student named Sarah according to Simon. The description had driven her mad as she did double-takes of every natural and bottle-job blonde within the city limit. But Myra had cast doubt on Sarah's identity and left Patricia struggling between a blurred vision of the girl Simon had described and another image, one sitting before her, which she fought hard to expel from her mind. There was no proof to uphold Myra's claim. No reason to suspect that Simon and Ella had ever had a relationship beyond the one she was privy to. What sane woman would ever accuse her husband of something so unspeakable?