Girl Friends

"Problem is I could do this all day," I murmured.

Rayla giggled and turned away a little, just enough for her lips to be out of reach. "Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

"I mean... it's nice, but I think all day might be excessive."

I sighed. "That's 'cause you're not in love."

"In love!?"

I went bright red immediately. "I mean... shit, I didn't mean that. I just meant... I meant I've been crushing on you. It came out wrong! It--"

Rayla laughed hysterically and put a hand to my mouth to stop me. "Haha, oh my god, it's ok. I know what you meant. It caught me off guard is all."

"Sorry."

"It's ok. It really is. That was nice. I liked it. I don't want, like, romance or anything. But kisses are nice."

I was still blushing, but I wasn't nearly so panicked as I'd been a moment ago. I was even able to smile shyly.

"You really like them?"

"I do."

"... do you want to do more?"

Rayla reluctantly pulled away from me and stood up. She adjusted her towel, re-securing it. I entertained a fleeting thought of tugging it from her body and seeing her naked again.

"Probably shouldn't," she said. "Too much of a good thing, you know."

"Ok. But we're cool, right?"

"Yeah, Ames. We're cool. Of course we are. You're my bestie, and I'll always love you in that capacity. Even if we're both a little weird sometimes."

"Cool. I... I'm gonna go shower too, I think."

"Sounds good. I'm going to borrow some of your clothes."

I nodded. "So I assumed."

****

Things went back to mostly normal for Rayla and me. We hung out together or with our other friends, went to classes, went to occasional parties. Just the usual.

I still crushed on Rayla. The difference now was that she knew it, and I knew she knew. Also the fact that I had kissed her and knew how wonderful it could be in reality. I wasn't sure if that made things better or worse for me. A little of each depending on my mood, I supposed.

"You gotta stop looking at me so lovelorn and shit," Rayla murmured one day while were hanging out at Charlene's pool with her and some of our other friends.

"I'm not," I said.

"You are. I'm getting pretty expert at catching you at it. Someone else is bound to notice."

I flushed. "M'not even lovelorn," I mumbled. "But... I mean you're in a bikini. What am I supposed to do, not look?"

Rayla snorted. "You've seen me naked."

"Yeah, and I liked that too. Bikinis are hot in different ways."

"Ah."

"And... you look really good in it."

"... thanks."

Rayla blushed a little too. I tried my best not to stare at her quite so hard, but I wasn't at all lying about how good she looked in her bikini.

I got an excuse to feel her a bit when we messed around in the water some. She knew exactly what I was up to, of course, even if to our friends it was just regular horseplay in the pool.

It didn't help any that Rayla looked even better when she got our of the pool all wet and her suit clinging skin-tight to her body.

Charlene distracted me from perving out too hard by sauntering by and sitting next to me. She was just as wet from the pool as Rayla and I, and was still messing with her hair trying to get it back into some kind of order.

"So, Amy, did you hear that someone likes you?"

I stiffened a little before realizing she obviously didn't mean Rayla. Not that I cared if anyone knew how I felt, but I didn't want it coming out like this and potentially bothering Rayla.

"Someone likes me?" I asked. "Not a boy again, I hope."

"Haha, nah. You know Jocelyn?"

"Um... vaguely. I think we had a class together."

"Yeah, well she thinks you're cute."

I felt Rayla smirking at me. I just blushed faintly. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. She'd say yes if you asked her out. Like ninety percent sure."

"Oh. Cool. But, um... I don't know."

Charlene frowned. "Oh come on. You have to date sometime. And she's into you! And she's cute and fun, maybe a little too shy, but that's--"

"No, just... I might kind of already like someone."

Charlene's eyes lit up and our other friends crowded in some more. I felt too much the centre of attention all of a sudden. Rayla was no help, mostly just trying not to crack up.

"You do?" Charlene said excitedly. "I didn't know that. Who is it?"

"I'd rather not say."

"What? But... is it me? Ooh, is it?"

I rolled my eyes. "You've got a boyfriend already."

"Yeah, well, maybe that's why you never told me then."

"It's not you."

"It's ok if it is. I mean, I don't like girls. But it's nice to be appreciated."

"Uh huh. It's still not you," I said firmly.

"Anyone I know?"

I sighed and leaned back. "I'm not telling. That's that."

"Tease!"

"That's right."

Charlene pouted for a moment. "Rayla!"

My eyes opened wide in panic for a second.

"Rayla, you know who Amy likes, right?"

I closed my eyes and fought my pounding heart, trying to keep cool. I'd very nearly just given myself away because I thought Charlene had realized that it was, in fact, Rayla with whom I was smitten.

"I might," Rayla said lazily.

"So you do!"

"I might, I said."

Charlene folded her arms. "Are you gonna tell us?"

"Even if I know, it wouldn't be my secret to share."

"But you do know," Charlene insisted.

"You ask again and I push you into the pool," Rayla said.

Charlene shrugged and stood up. "Fine, but you two are no fun."

"We have some concept of privacy, is all."

"That's what I said. No fun."

Rayla gave me a sidelong grin as Charlene pattered away. I smiled shyly back.

****

"What do you normally do when someone asks who you like?" Rayla asked me later, when it was just the two of us.

"I don't know," I said. "Doesn't come up that often."

"You used to tell me about girls you thought were cute."

"Oh. Yeah, well, I guess I still do that sometimes. I guess it's been different since...."

"Since you started thinking I was cute?" Rayla asked with a teasing smile.

"Since I started crushing on you," I corrected. "I think... I think I always thought you were cute. Just didn't realize it for a while."

"Always, huh?"

"Oh don't look so smug. You are cute. Not like that's a revelation."

"It's nice to hear though."

I shrugged. "I guess."

Rayla lay on her bed and curled her knees up to her chest. We were at her house this time, and I'd stolen some of her clothing. Honestly it was to a point I couldn't always keep track of whose clothes were whose originally.

"You're cute too, if that helps," she said.

I blushed. "Thanks."

"I mean... I don't really want to do anything about it. But you are, though."

"Just me? Or do you find lots of people cute?"

Rayla chewed her lip. "I'd say... a decent number of people. Usually when I flirt with someone it's 'cause I think they're cute. For a while I thought maybe that would be enough, but it never was."

"No. It's more than that for me too. Like... like I don't know. It's you, you know? Basically the person who knows me the best of anyone, who I always spend all my time with, who's basically like a sister... actually maybe ignore that last one."

Rayla giggled. "No, I get it. Like a sister you want to make out with."

"Gross! Shut uuuppp. Just like... god, I want to be best friends with you always. Just, I don't know, if there was some naked time in there sometimes it would be ideal." I waved my hand. "Not that I'm trying to pressure you or anything. I definitely don't want to do that. I'm just saying. Some people want to fuck random hotties. I don't think that's for me. I like knowing you already, and knowing how much I like you, and... stuff."

Rayla was quiet for a moment. I busied myself brushing out my hair, pretending like I hadn't just over-shared like crazy. Though to be fair, we knew each other so intimately already it wasn't like over-sharing was really a thing between us.

"I like that," she finally said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean... I like the idea of living with someone like that. Someone who's your best friend, and you love waking up next to every morning, and going for walks, and sharing all the same doofy jokes you've had for years. Just sappy romantic shit."

I smiled. "Yeah. That sounds nice."

"I just really, really struggle to ever want to have sex with anyone. Even you."

"Oh my god, Ray. I... we're not having sex."

"I know. But you would, wouldn't you? If I wanted to, and got naked right now, and... and stuff."

"... yes."

"Right. So just... that's the part that doesn't work for me."

I sat down next to her, carefully seating my weight on the mattress, trying not to disturb her. She looked even cuter than normal, all curled up and thoughtful.

"Ray?"

"Hm?"

"This might sound stupid, but...."

"Say it."

"It might be really stupid."

She shrugged. "So? It's me. Just say it."

I nodded. "Ok. What if we just tried dating. The two of us."

"But I--"

"Just the parts you want. No sex. No... I mean I don't know what else you don't want, but none of that either."

Rayla reached for my hand and gently ran her thumb over my knuckles. "That actually doesn't sound stupid at all."

"Really?"

"Really. I just, like, don't want you to get hurt, Ames. I think that maybe I'd like that, but I've spent a lot of time thinking I might like to date lots of people, and I never actually do when it comes to it."

"This is different," I said more confidently than I actually felt.

"Why?"

"Because you already kissed me and didn't hate it."

Rayla cracked a wide, slow grin. "You're going to be insufferable about that, aren't you?"

"It's my favourite thing that's happened in a while, yes."

"... you can kiss me again if you want."

I stroked my hand through Rayla's hair, guiding her face to tilt up more toward me, then kissed her. I was, in my own limited opinion, getting quite good at kissing her. It just felt so right.

It was exciting and nerve-wracking every time so far. Yet, despite that and all the thrills running through me, it felt comfortable, like it was something we'd been doing for years. Maybe it was because it was Rayla, the person I was already the most comfortable with. She could make my tummy fill with butterflies, but I never had to truly be scared of anything when it came to her. Our emotional connection was as warm and solid as ever, even if some physical connections were brand new.

"Damn that's still really nice," Rayla said.

"Mmhm," I agreed.

I tried to kiss her some more, but she gently held my face back from hers.

"Is sex... is it even better?"

"You're asking the wrong person."

"Right, yeah. Guess neither of us really knows, huh?"

"Not at the moment, no," I said. "Can I kiss you more or what?"

Rayla giggled. "You're so single-minded."

"If you could kiss yourself, you'd understand."

"You mean if I was totally smitten with myself and getting all kissy."

"Sure. That."

"Ames... what if sex would be really good and I'm just scared of it for no reason?"

I sat back, giving up on more kisses for the moment. "I really don't know what to tell you about that. Do you feel scared of it?"

"Kind of."

"Then maybe you're just not ready for it. I don't know."

"Maybe. Maybe I just need to do it to find out."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Or maybe it's really just not something I'd like."

"Also possible."

Rayla harrumphed. "You're not helping, you know."

I shrugged. "I can't decide who you are for you."

"Well, no, but you could give me some well-intentioned but ultimately useless advice."

"Ok, you should kiss your hot friend some more."

"I said you were cute. Never said hot."

"You didn't have to say it. Your eyes gave it all away already."

"You're such a goof, Ames."

"Mmhm."

I moved in again. Rayla accepted more kisses. I took my time, pushing my luck, waiting for her to signal it was enough. She didn't. I just kept kissing her, slowly ending up on top of her.

My instincts were to go further, to feel her, to get under her clothes. Stuff like that. I didn't listen to those instincts. I accepted a long, luxurious make-out with her. It was, I felt, the right choice.

****

It was weird dating Rayla at first. We were both so awkward about it. Even when it was just mostly the same as hanging out the way we'd always done. It felt like we needed to be different around each other in some way.

We worked our way through that. We realized we didn't need to be different or more formal together. Basically just hanging out with some occasional hand holding and kisses was all it took.

I was over the moon about it, so happy it hurt. Rayla didn't always know how to feel. I understood that. Sometimes I wished she could be happier and more certain of herself, but sometimes too I worried that if she wasn't exactly the way she was, she wouldn't be with me. Incredibly selfish of me, I know, but I was young and in love. Both of those things can mess with a girl's mind.

It was scary and exciting letting people know about us, especially since we weren't really quite girlfriends exactly. Just friends who were seeing what dating each other felt like. I kept tripping up wanting to call Rayla my girlfriend, but not quite being able to yet.

"Well at least I get why you two were being so weird about stuff," Charlene said.

We were hanging out at her pool again, in the evening this time. A half-dozen of us just lazing around getting drunk or stoned, as to preference.

"Who was being weird?" I asked casually.

"I mean you kind of were for a while," Wendy said. "The two of you. Amy wouldn't tell us who she liked, and Rayla used to flirt with everyone, then no one. I was starting to wonder if she actually liked anyone."

"I still wonder that," Rayla said. She had her head in my lap, and despite acting drunk, I was pretty sure she was the most sober of any of us there.

"You like Amy," Charlene said as thought it settled everything.

"Besides her, I mean," Rayla said. "Like someone who doesn't like boys or girls. That's a thing, right?"

"Asexual?" Wendy said. "Sure. That's legit." She blushed faintly. "So you two don't, like...."

"None of anyone's business," I said lightly.

"Sure, sure. Right."

"Maybe you're demisexual," Beth said. I'd sworn she was too high to even be paying attention, but I'd apparently been wrong.

"I'm... half sexual?" Rayla asked, wrinkling her nose in a manner I found incredibly endearing.

"Nah, like you only get attracted to people you're already close to. That kind of thing," Beth said.

"That's just how it works anyway, right?" Rayla asked. She looked around. "Right?"

"Well... not really," Charlene said. "I mostly want people I don't know that well. It just feels so messy if I already know their drama. Though to be fair, it doesn't work out that well for me most of the time, so that's not necessarily the right answer."

"Don't think there is a right answer," Beth said lazily. "Just people being into whoever they're into. No right or wrong about it."

Rayla still looked confused. "But... Ames, you're into me, and we were really close already."

I nodded. "That's true. But, like, I've definitely been horny for other girls before. Just not in a particularly strong way, I guess. Not like with you."

Rayla appeared troubled now. "People really get horny over people they don't know?"

A chorus of assents returned. I squeezed Rayla's hand, trying to convey reassurance.

"I just thought people were, you know, showing off and stuff," she said.

"That too. But some of it's real," I said. "Sometimes there's just this feeling. Doesn't always take much."

"It does for me," she said softly.

"I know. And that's ok."

"You want a hit of this?" Beth asked, holding a newly lit joint. "You look like you need it."

Rayla nodded and sat up, moving closer to Beth so they could share. "I think maybe I do. This is... a lot."

"I mean you're still the same person as always," Charlene said. "If that helps any."

Rayla sighed. "Yeah, but I realize now I'm even weirder than I thought. And I feel way, way stupider about all those times trying to flirt with people. I just thought it would click sooner or later. Like I'd figure out what I was supposed to feel."

"Well it might have kind of worked," I said. "Just not really in the way you expected."

"Maybe," Rayla said. "Shit though, Ames. What if I'm just doing it again but with you? What if I never actually feel the right things? What if--"

I moved quickly, if a little uncoordinated thanks to my drink. I kissed Rayla, nearly tackling her to the ground. Our friends cheered and laughed at the clumsy attempt. Rayla started laughing too. I grinned at her until she buried her face against me, still occasionally shaking with repressed laughter.

"You two are too friggin' cute," Charlene said. "Make me want to try again finding a good boyfriend."

"Don' worry 'bout it," Beth said, leaning back and letting her eyes close. "Jus' enjoy the night for now."

"Yeah. Yeah I guess."

****

Rayla continued to brood from time to time about what exactly she wanted in a relationship, and whether her desires were fair to me and/or herself. I mostly just kept taking every opportunity to make out with her more. I knew what I wanted, and I was getting at least some of it, so that was working out nicely I thought.

Rayla usually could be seduced into kissy times, though it was very, very rare for her to initiate. It was fine. I knew what I was getting into. There were occasions when I kind of minded knowing that I was more into her than she was into me, but again I knew what I was getting into, and really had no one to blame but myself.

Mostly I just loved it. I had my best friend, same as always, and I got to kiss her lots. We held hands sometimes or snuggled more than usual, and I got to play games of trying to subtly pressing against her in more intimate ways than ever before. I spent practically a whole movie night once with my head nestled against her boobs. She definitely knew it was deliberate, but she let me do it anyway.

What actually caught me by surprise was the revelation that she might have had her own interest in me sneaking feels from time to time.

We were at my place, sitting in the dark on my couch and watching a show together. It was late, my parents were in bed already, and we were snuggling hard together. We got into little bouts of making out here and there, but mostly I was just holding her, my arms wrapped around her midsection.

"Ames?" she said.

"Yeah, babe?"

"Hehe, that's still so weird hearing you call me that after all these years."

"What, you don't like it? What about--"

"No, I kinda do. It's just strange is all."

I shrugged and kissed her shoulder. "Oh. Anyway, what were you gonna say?"

"I... nevermind."

"No, tell me."

"Ok. I was just gonna ask if, like, you ever wanted to... feel me up more."

"... is that a serious question?"

Rayla nodded. "It is."

"Of course I want to feel you up more. Ray, I want to do so many things to you. Or with you. Or whatever."

She turned her head fully away from me, hiding her expression. "So why don't you?"

"'Cause I don't want you to be uncomfortable about it, duh. You like kisses, and I'm happy to stick with them."

"No you're not. You want more. I can tell when you get all horny and stuff."

I bit my lip. "I mean... yes, I do want more. I just don't want to be pushy, and I don't ever want to ruin our friendship over it. I would... I would stop kissing you forever if I had to before I'd want to scare you off."

"Oh Ames, I really like kissing you."

"I know. I'm glad."

"How about... how about if you want to try some things sometimes, then maybe you should, and I'll let you know when I'm not comfortable, ok?"

I wrapped my arms tighter around her, feeling my eyes go wide and my fingers tremble a little with excitement. "Really? For real?"