God Laughs Ch. 04

Chapter four:

This is a chain story written by Jezzaz, Todd172, Stev2244, Harddaysknight, Girlinthemoon, Qhml1, Oshaw and blackrandl1958. One different author wrote each chapter in this story, building on the work of the preceding author. We are submitting one chapter each day until the story is finished. We would like for you, the readers, to see if you can spot who wrote the different chapters. If you care to hazard a guess, you may leave it in a comment on the story. If no one is right, we will pick the one closest to right and one, or more, of us will dedicate our next story to you. If multiple persons are right, we will dedicate the story to all who are right. We will wait one week after the posting of the last chapter, then announce which chapter was written by which author. This was a very entertaining exercise for us, and we may do it again. We hope you enjoy the story, Napalminthemorning.

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"You want to know where your fucking tiger is?" screeched the little man frantically trying to adjust his toupee as he rushed to join the group. "I'll tell you where your fucking tiger is! Your fucking tiger is currently sleeping in the cockpit of my vintage WWII Sherman tank!"

I literally thought our next door neighbor was going to pop a gasket. His veins were popping out of his neck and his countenance was transitioning from red to deep purple.

"I know, I'm going to regret this, but who are you?" sighed the overwhelmed agent.

In response, I answered, "Meet Rhino Starr, our next door neighbor," handling the introduction.

The agent furrowed his brow, "Rhino Starr? Aren't you the drummer for the British rock band, 'The Buggers'?"

Rhino preened from the recognition. He held out his hand to the agent. " Sir Rhino Starr, Esq., recipient of The Order of the British Empire, and percussionist of the Buggers."

Amber and I were accustomed to seeing our neighbor boasting of his achievements, earned half a century ago. After the breakup of The Buggers, Rhino plodded on with his solo career, dabbing in light hearted comedy films and the occasional celebrity music gig.

Adrift from the mass adulation he once basked in, he began an unhealthy competition with his brother, who resided in Michigan. The brother, some sort of automotive engineering genius, collected Ford Mustangs, lavishing on them top performance after-market alterations, along with daily ministrations of washing and waxing his beloved pony cars.

He would spend hours on his phone talking cross-country to Rhino, both of them swilling Pepsi while enjoying a meal at a Texas Roadhouse steakhouse, both brothers bragging about their wives, ironically enough, both were big-titted, big-assed women that somehow cheated constantly on their clueless husbands. Only after hours of lauding their praises, would the brothers divulge their latest toys and projects in their game of one-upmanship.

Rhino chose to collect a more eclectic form of heavy machinery: 18-wheelers diesel rigs, cranes, payloaders and... suddenly I knew from whence came the D6T Caterpillar bulldozer resting in the bottom of our pool.

Despite the protest of Amber and myself, the rest of the neighborhood, and even the city; Rhino parked his collection on the city streets, clogging traffic and being a general nuisance. Rhino contended our aggravations were offset by the publicity garnered by the eccentric collection, so he ignored our grumblings.

I turned to our circus Ringmaster, intentionally making eye contact so my eyes didn't drift south to view his aroused penis.

"Last night, did 'Tiny'..."

"Did 'Tiny' grudgefuck the shit out of that Caterpillar bulldozer, or what!" Our Ringmaster enthusiastically interrupted. "I never thought that an elephant could mount a machine that heavy and slam it a yard at a time until he climaxed right when the dozer tilted off into the pool! That inspired everybody poolside, we gave 'Tiny' a standing ovation and then we ran back into the house for our second round!"

Rhino gurgled in apoplexy, "My D6T Caterpillar is in your pool? My D6T Caterpillar that I paid six figures for is in your fucking pool?" he screamed.

"It's your own damn fault for leaving the damn thing parked in front of our house for months!" Amber angrily replied, all the while not disturbed by our Ringmaster's lack of attire and staring at him in admiration.

"Can we focus on the tiger in your tank?" the increasingly perplexed federal agent directed our attention in a shout.

"Was that a gasoline company slogan or a Buggers' song?" asked yet another federal agent, stumbling out of the house. She wore just a Jolly Roger's pirate T shirt, two sizes too small, which allowed her aroused headlights to appear where dead eye sockets should have been. The eye patch on her lovely Nordic features was a nice touch.

"The truth is out there, Skully!" the agent responded as he pointed to her and another underling to handle the tiger situation.

"Arrgh!" she replied as she obeyed the command. As she and the other agent walked off, they reached and held hands, and it was even money they would be distracted from their task once they were out of sight.

"I'm suing you assholes!" Rhino threatened. "And I'm asking for punitive damages for the physical and emotional damages suffered by my 'Cat dozer from your African bull elephant!"

Amber said, "Look, Rhino,"

"That's Sir Knight, to you," he retorted.

Amber looked placidly at him, "Look, it's been a hard day, Knight, and I've been working like a dog.

"Yeah," I joined, "It's been a hard day, Knight, and I should be sleeping like a log!"

Everything went dead still as he just looked at us, stunned as his toupee slipped and covered his right eye.

"I should throat punch both of you for that," he whispered in a still voice.

"Stop with the Buggers' lyrics!" the Agent commanded. "Nobody's leaving until I get to the bottom of this!"

A commotion stopped the rest of his spiel as Bubbles and her latest entourage appeared in view after Tiny the elephant stripped the hedge concealing them from view. Bubbles continued to moan enthusiastically as the federal agent munched on her bush.

Rhino Starr's rant abruptly stopped as he stared at the trio obliviously performing before us. A few agents began critiquing the trio. Amber cocked her head, trying to work out how Bubbles had torqued herself into a position unknown to the Kama Sutra.

"Bubbles?"

Hearing Rhino's voice, Bubbles looked up at us and smiled as she said, "Hi, Honey!"

Damn! That was why Bubbles looked so familiar to me! I continued to watch and appreciate the gyrations of Mrs. Rhino Starr. Amber sidled up to me and murmured, "Baby, if I crooked my knee behind your head and you move your right ankle next to my hoo hah..."

"...Wouldn't my elbow wind up in your armpit?" I asked distractedly as we continued to contemplate how to achieve that result.

Rhino was running back and forth screaming at his wife. She continued to ignore him as the huddled bodies worked out among themselves how to untangle.

"Wow! That party was so much fun, guys!" Bubbles directed her compliment to Amber and me.

"DID YOU NOT HEAR ME SLUT! I'M GOING TO DIVORCE YOU!"

"Yeah, yeah, we all heard you Rhino. No big whoop," said Bubbles in a bored distracted voice.

"If you only spent an iota of your time with me instead of your goddamn vehicles, none of this would've happened! I begged you to go over with me to Amber and John's house last night but, nooooo, you were too fucking busy bragging to your brother about that goddamn WWII tank you bought yesterday!"

Bubbles turned her acid tone towards us. "Let me tell you something folks, the name, Rhino, is a misnomer. He has never been horny!"

I winced as the slam impacted Rhino. Bubbles stalked off, trailed by her adoring participants and a few more agents, male and female, interested in hand frisking her.

"She's just saying that," Rhino finally protested, "I'm really quite virile, you know." Again, he paused to readjust his toupee. "And, I'll show her! I know for a fact that Lovely Rita, Mistress Maid, is quite enamored with me, and nothing will come between us!"

"Excuse me, are you, Rhino Starr?"

We all turned to look at the young lady. Long straight blonde hair, blue-eyed, tall and attractive, even with the incessant gum-smacking.

Rhino perked up as his ego recovered from wife's comments.

Why, yes, I'm Rhino Starr, Esq., recipient of the Order of the British Empire, and percussionist of The Buggers," he replied.

"Can I get you to sign this?" she asked in a bored voice.

Rhino, not picking up any clue, asked, "How do you want me to make this out to you?"

"Your legal name and we'll be damn skippy!" she intoned in the same bored voice.

"You know, it's amazing what different fans want," Rhino said as he signed with a flourish, "I remember girls used to ask me to sign their tits!"

Rhino peeked at the girl as though his comment would subliminally sink into her id and make her request a similar signature.

"Yeah, Grandpa," the girl rolled her eyes, "I bet Grandma thought you were the bee's knees!"

She sarcastically retorted. "This is your copy." She handed Rhino some papers.

"What is this?" Rhino asked.

"It's your copy of the city's injunction against your vehicles. They're all being towed off the city streets and parked in a warehouse, all at your expense."

Just then, a large wrecker drove by and gave a blast from the air horn. Kevin, AKA Tyrone, wannabe gangster, waved at us as he worked his day job as a tow-truck driver. Officer Neiderhauser smiled and waved from the passenger seat, and then turned towards Kevin, bent over and disappeared from our sight. Kevin instantly arced his back and another long blast from the air horn erupted.

"Hey, that's one of my 18-wheelers he's towing!" Rhino protested.

He ran down the street yelling for the wrecker to stop. His toupee flopped off and landed behind him in the street. The huge mastiff that had tormented the ASPCA lady lazily sauntered over and sniffed at the toupee, then he lifted his leg and directed a stream of piss, marking his territory.

"Was that a Peterbilt he was towing?" the ringmaster asked the group while we continued to watch the tow-truck drive off with Rhino Starr falling farther and farther behind.

The attractive blonde process server gave an approving appraisal of the Ringmaster and said, "I don't know about a towed Peterbilt, but I damn sure know how to tow a built peter!" With that, she reached down and easily grabbed his gearknob. The Ringmaster gasped as she smiled at him and discarded her gum.

"I think I found a new flavor I want to smack on!" she declared as she led him off to the house.

"Five will get you ten that she has him in overdrive in seconds." Amber declared.

Nobody bothered disputing my wife. We stood there in silent contemplation.

"Can we NOW get back to what happened here?" the miffed federal agent griped.

"What do you want to know?" I asked.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT DO I WANT TO KNOW!" he ranted.

"I want to know how the first person decided to eat an oyster!

"I want to know, who wrote the book of love!

"I want to know the infield fly rule!

"And most importantly, I want someone to tell me how all this goddamn mess started!"

"Well, it really is quite simple," Amber said, "You see, Rhino Starr wasn't the only recipient of the Order of the British Empire in the neighborhood."

The revelation took the agent back in surprise. "So, who else in this godforsaken neighborhood been anointed with knighthood with the Order of the British Empire?"

I sheepishly raised my hand.

"Why, does that not surprise me?" the agent pondered.

A scream interrupted us, one of the last remaining gang members who accompanied Kevin, AKA Tyrone, ran naked from the house. A bridle-bit hampered his ability to give a full-fledged scream. Directly chasing behind him, was Mistress Moonbeam, her midget, and several other similarly clad acolytes.

"Well, that was a horse of a different color," I commented.

The agent just closed his eyes and said, "Just, shut up! When the next time comes that you feel inspired to speak. Just. Shut. Up."

He turned and directed the conversation back to Amber.

"Okay, ma'am, I'm designating you first to tell me what transpired and who is to blame."

Amber cast a worried look at me and then turned to the agent.

"It was a dark and stormy Knight..."