God Laughs Ch. 05

Chapter five:

This is a chain story written by Jezzaz, Todd172, Stev2244, Harddaysknight, Girlinthemoon, Qhml1, Oshaw and blackrandl1958. One different author wrote each chapter in this story, building on the work of the preceding author. We are submitting one chapter each day until the story is finished. We would like for you, the readers, to see if you can spot who wrote the different chapters. If you care to hazard a guess, you may leave it in a comment on the last chapter of the story. If no one is right, we will pick the one closest to right and one, or more, of us will dedicate our next story to you. If multiple persons are right, we will dedicate the story to all who are right. We will wait one week after the posting of the last chapter, then announce which chapter was written by which author. This was a very entertaining exercise for us, and we may do it again. We hope you enjoy the story, Napalminthemorning.

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"Everybody freeze!" a loud voice boomed across the garden. Others had tried that before and failed, but for some reason, this time it seemed to work. Maybe it was because the voice was much louder this time.

Like my fellow sex maniacs, I turned my head slowly towards the source of that inhumanly loud voice. A vicious looking red-haired giant stood there in a wide, self-assured, almost arrogant stance. Of course, he wore the typical windbreaker, indicating that he worked for one of the countless three-letter agencies, but I couldn't see which one.

In my still foggy mind, I wondered if he once was a drill instructor or a mom. Only those had the vocal power to demand the immediate obedience that was shown here. Even the other agents instinctively stood at attention, I almost expected to hear heels clicking and see salutes.

He was obviously surprised to have calmed down the scene in front of him, which could only be described as a bit lively, that quickly. He looked around, maybe unsure if something even more terrifying was behind him.

Keeping in mind how fast the other agent's behavior had deteriorated, I asked myself if he maybe had some sort of immunity against whatever was happening here or if the effect just had tapered off, as time passed. Looking around, I saw an increasing number of people behaving strangely, meaning NOT being engaged in sexual acts, and began to hope it was the latter.

I decided to try to lead him into the house and the core of this Armageddon, later, to clarify this.

I looked around, and astonishingly enough, everyone was still frozen in mid-movement. This guy exuded an authority of which I could only dream. Everyone was staring towards the huge newcomer, as if he was an unwelcome intruder from the real world. It gave me time to take in the scene in every excruciating detail.

Some liquid was slowly dripping from the giant strap on dildo, model Interceptor Ultra, $22.95, that had been very active in seeking holes to vanish in, and had done so with a female midget attached to it. I had no idea about the origin of that substance dripping from it and had no desire to find out. As she held an enormous bottle of my own lube brand in her hand, I held to the hope that it was nothing organic. Power Glide, $9.95 per liter, neutral in taste and guaranteed no stains. Also available in strawberry.

Rhino was on his knees, sobbing silently. I wasn't sure if the scene with Bubbles or the bubbles still appearing from his yellow submarine Caterpillar were the cause. He was looking towards the pool, though, which gave me a hint on his priorities. It was also possible that he was lamenting the loss of our hedge that the elephant was still munching in the background, but it seemed unlikely.

The small bell on the one remaining nipple tassel on the Ringmaster's man tit still moved and chimed invitingly. $7.95, guaranteed sticking, painless removal. Well, 7.95 for a pair. I had no idea where the other one was. I also had no idea what a burgundy red satin tailcoat might cost; that was not one of my products and the only thing he was wearing apart from huge 70s sunglasses and a hat made of zebra fur. All in all, it wasn't exactly the dernier cri, fashion wise. His genitals were completely shaven, leaving some kind of unexpected clearing in a dense jungle. I assumed this had happened recently, and I wasn't sure he had realized it yet. I looked down in a brief panic, but my hairstyle was unaltered. While at it, I also tried to check my ass for tattoos, but couldn't find any.

Two of the cops, a man and a woman, had had the decency to put on their hats again, while remaining naked, otherwise. They were just part of the crowd now, any official function long forgotten. The woman had a suspicious looking sticky substance in her hair, and both behaved like newlyweds. I felt good about that; we had achieved some serious bonding within the police corps. His hands were cuffed together in front of him with unofficial looking red fur handcuffs, $34.95, when not on sale.

Teresa and Bobbi Sue appeared to be a couple by now, as well, at least if the changed ownership of the cowboy hat was any indicator. Both looked very content. Both were wearing our premium nipple clamps, model Miami Vise, 19.95, stainless steel for a secure grip.

I could also see two pizza delivery guys, having no idea what might have happened to the third. One had an "Alberto's" T-shirt on, the other one from "Napoli".

"Alberto" had our mid-range whip model "Cat o'nein" in his hand, $29.95, double dildo handle, real leather and skin-friendly lashes. "Napoli" was currently bent over a deck chair, looking over his shoulder, his broad ass displaying colorful signs of excessive whip usage. Maybe I'd have to rethink that skin-friendly slogan; those welts looked pretty angry. What else could I use instead? Leaves decorative marks even on the hairiest pizza delivery guy's asses? No, not catchy enough.

The various agents who had arrived earlier were more or less assimilated and partially undressed by now, and part of the passive gawking crowd. It seemed that whatever had caused this mess had still been at least partially in effect after they had arrived at the crime scene. It was difficult to tell them apart. Wearing the windbreakers was no clear indicator anymore, at least if I assumed the slender albino woman I had fucked last night wasn't the owner of the garment she was currently wearing inside-out.

There was a pale, scrawny man I'd never seen before, holding a tattoo gun and just standing there with empty unseeing eyes, wearing some sort of short maid apron and one of our inflatable pony tail ass plugs. Size XL, it seemed. $34.95, easy to clean and durable. He didn't seem to be fully aware of the device, but it suited him nicely.

Our stuck-up lawyer, Walter, was currently sitting exhausted on the ground, watching everything in awe, still wearing the pink tutu, silver bra and angel wings. Complete set for just 39.95, machine washable and suitable for any occasion. Almost any, come to think about it.

In the bushes I could spot two huge pale buttocks that might or might not belong to the fat, bearded lady. I recognized the dildo protruding between them as the model "Turbo Intruder", with two-stage high power vibration unit, currently on sale for just 14.95. Not meant for anal application, though. There was even a clear warning on the package, which he didn't seem to have read entirely.

I couldn't see the hot black voodoo woman or the pony couple, but the scene was colorful enough, even without them.

"So, what has caused all this nonsense?" The booming voice brought me back to reality.

Everybody pointed in different directions, but the majority seemed to blame the main house. With a resolved look, he started to march towards it.

"Stop..." I tried to warn him, but was interrupted by a sharp elbow in my ribs. "What?"

"He's cute," Amber whispered.

"Oh yeah. I say he should inspect the main house," Bubbles added giggling.

"Thoroughly inspect the main house. Every nook and cranny." My wife laughed. Damn, they still hadn't enough? I felt sore, like a truck load of thumbs.

"But there's that evil macaw woman in there," I tried to object, feeling some sympathy for the unsuspecting defenseless man.

"Poor sod. She will probably fuck him to death or bludgeon him with Smith and Wesson."

They both laughed and it sounded a bit insane to me. As we followed the crowd into the house, I was impressed to see that the giant's agency was so secret that his windbreaker didn't even have a stupid yellow three letter logo. Leaving that off is thoughtful intelligence work on the highest level, I thought. Everyone moved along, apart from the elephant that was busy cleaning up the remainders of the hedge.

I also noticed that the unofficial dick hardness indicator generally started to point downwards, indicating that whatever hormonal anomaly that had happened here was waning. People were also walking suspiciously straight again, and nobody seemed to still actively fuck any person, animal or object at the moment. Things were slowly returning to normal. I just wondered if that was a good thing.

While we waded through the clothing, bottle and sex toy dump that had once been my home, I at least spotted the missing prototype toy box, though it didn't do me much good. If was completely empty, of course. That meant someone had even taken the dreaded experimental studded "Thor's fist" dildo, $64.95, for the ultimate experience. Instinctively, I moved my backside towards a wall.

As I entered the living room at the back end of the bizarre flock, I saw Barbarossa standing behind a table, looking at a big dark briefcase in front of him with a triumphant look, as if he had just solved the crime of the century. The whole congregation was assembled around him, as if in a theater, with expectant expressions, waiting for new thrills to come. I tried to concentrate, but could not come up with an explanation of where the briefcase had come from.

"Who owns this briefcase?" he demanded, obviously reading my mind.

While he was still waiting for coherent answers, I saw macaw's tits slowly creeping towards him, taking the rest of her body with them. She was definitely looking predator like, targeting him as if he was some rare delicacy. I was glad to have her off my back; they could make beautiful red-haired giant babies together. Bubbles was decidedly less relaxed about it, watching her every movement with a frown and fearsome talons. This was a cat fight waiting to happen. The poor guy didn't even notice any of it and I was sure, when they would be splitting the loot, he wouldn't have much of a say in it.

Still, no one answered his question. Most had obviously followed him out of herd instinct and weren't fully in possession of their mental abilities yet.

"Okay, has anyone seen where this briefcase came from?" Barbarossa asked in a voice that left no room for evasion. As the master of the house, no, I didn't feel like that anymore, anyway, as the owner of the company on the deed I felt compelled to answer and break the puzzled silence.

"I have no idea. We just invited my wife's boss yesterday to clarify some... Well, whatever. Things went well... No, things went as expected until... Well, I don't know... Next thing I know, I woke up under a busty redhead..."

"That would be me, asshole. Couldn't you just fuck me like any normal guy? I'm sore like..."

"Stop! Just the facts, madam," Barbarossa interrupted us with his damn built in megaphone. I thanked him inwardly, having no clear idea what exactly I had done to that woman last night. She seemed to stand a bit bow-legged, but come to think about it, that seemed to be the norm around here, and not just for females. It didn't stop her from further pursuing her red-bearded prey, though.

The officer looked at me questioningly, my nude upper body, the baggy jeans and the makeshift belt certainly didn't lend me any credibility. With a frown, he addressed the colorful group again.

"Has anyone opened it recently?" His impossibly loud and manly voice didn't seem to help his cause as the female half of his audience lost all interest in the matter at hand and just looked at him with puppy eyes. This had to stop or he would leave this house with a harem in tow, leaving me behind with a bunch of men, many with objects in their asses that didn't belong there.

"Stop, nobatti muuf" came a heavily accented command from the background. Obviously, there was yet another person present nobody had noticed before. We seemed to have acquired a strict open house policy recently; everyone came and went at will. Everyone turned around in surprise, wilting dicks seeing movement again in circular trajectories.

There was a group of three albinos in camouflage suits. Of course there was. Even three Martians wouldn't have surprised me at that point; in fact, they seemed to be missing to complete the scene. Apart from that, we had almost everything present.

The newcomers were armed to the teeth. Uzis, assault rifles, pistols, you name it. They carried around a whole arsenal and looked as if they had just stopped by before invading a small country. More shockingly, they were completely clothed, but didn't seem embarrassed at all about it. Gas masks were casually dangling from their wrists.

"Sis is aar brifkes, agent Vincent Logan."

"The Albanians," the giant obviously named Logan replied. "Jules himself, even. I should have known. Why did you deploy it here, of all places?"

"Needed test. My kasin at circus", the guy evilly laughed, as if that explained anything, while he pointed at the pretty albino girl who killed my magnum bottle last night. Yes, albinos blush heavily, I learned. It's particularly noticeable when they are completely naked. She was obviously not in the loop about this.

"Open it, Vince."

Logan Barbarossa did as instructed, unlocked and opened the cover and looked into the case, clearly in awe. His face was illuminated by a fascinating golden sheen. He suddenly seemed very peaceful and content, even enraptured. His mouth fell open a bit. It was a serene moment.

"We happy?" Jules asked softly, but Logan didn't answer, still staring into the briefcase.

"Vincent!" Jules repeated more forcefully. "We happy?"

"Yeah, we happy," he answered, and he looked as if he really meant it.

"Good, it still sere. Now step back, I will take."

"Oh yeah, you will take, Jules," Logan casually replied while reaching inside the case.

"Noo. Don't do," the Albanian shouted, clearly in panic.

A hissing sound could be heard before the Albanians were able to frantically fumble on their gas masks.

I wondered what the small white and innocuous looking cloud emitting from the case meant for my sore dick. It felt as if it had been used to its absolute design limits, already. The groaning around me indicated that others shared my worries.

"No more tattoos, please," I heard Amber groan. "Whatever you do, no tattoos. And my ass, please don't..." was all I could hear before Smith and Wesson suddenly blocked my ears.