Going Home

"I wasn't in her league, Sharon---remember? Being her best male 'non-boy friend' felt pretty special back then. We were pretty close...but not that way..." It was after dinner and Al had taken the children down to the store to get ice cream. It slipped out before he knew it. "Sharon, look, if truth be told I fell in love with her---braces and all when we were in seventh grade. She didn't know I was alive until that junior play and then she needed help on her SATs and with Algebra and then we started doing things together and here I was, geeky Walter hanging out with the home coming queen and the head cheer leader and there wasn't a chance in hell I was going to screw it up by making a move on her and..."

"She speaks of you often; as I recall you saved her life. If you'd stuck around for a while you two well might have ended up together---in spite of her parents. She missed you that summer when you left so quickly...missed you a lot. Small town America is so predictable; the home coming queen and king end up getting married---it's ordained. Look, Dennis and Katherine were happy together. No one knows to this day what demons were inside him. I was never sure that they were head over heels in love with each other but they were two sweet people with genuine affection who never caused the other any pain...well at least not until the day Dennis..."

"I married a girl that looks a lot like her; that was years ago. It didn't work out."

"Look, Walter, I love you like a brother and you and Al were best friends all the way back to elementary school. Katherine has two children as you know. You sure as hell aren't geeky Walter anymore and I have a sense that you've done just fine in life and aren't remotely hurting for female companionship. I can't imagine you moving back to this dying town and hooking up with a thirty seven year old widow with two teen aged or nearly so children. Plus, I'm not even sure she's staying. I think she's tired of being the widow. She's still a very beautiful woman and in this locale it's as if it would be disrespectful to Dennis's memory to ask her out on a real date. She has needs like any other woman. Go see her; don't call, hell she always home. Just go knock on the door and say hi. She lives not fifteen minutes from here; I'll draw you a map. Forget the damn ice cream. Hell, I knew you were in love with her way back when---and I also know she had a very deep and genuine affection for you...probably could have fallen in love with you if you'd been the least bit persistent."

***

"Thanks for taking the kids with your family to the lake sis; they always have a ball there. I know you guys are leaving before sun up so it's better that they stay here tonight."

"Kath, why don't you come? Who knows you might meet..."

"Sure that'll happen just like it's happened so many times before. I need to get some things organized; I need to figure out what I'm taking with me and what I'm not. I'm not even sure I'll stay for the reunion. It's just more old memories."

"Eddie told me that Walter's coming."

"Walter...he's probably happily married, missing his hair and thirty pounds over weight."

"Oh stop it! He was your best friend."

"And my best friend scampered away from this little town without even a decent goodbye. He was a good friend...a really nice guy...but we were never remotely..."

"Look, sis, I went out with him a few times, remember? Thinking back he was probably the nicest boy I ever went out with and a hell of a lot of fun. I was interested in Walter...but he wasn't really interested in me. He was in love with you."

"He had a funny way of showing it. The only time we ever kissed was at that party....it was a very nice kiss...it took my breath away...it stirred up serious feelings. Then he left barely two weeks later. Walter and I could never have been..."

"Because neither of you were ready to let it happen! You each had your own little vision of who the other was. To Walter you were royalty and out of his league romantically. To you, Walter---and I blame mom and dad for some of it---was a friend good enough to help you improve your SAT scores by four hundred points or get a B in algebra---or save your friggin' life for God's sake---but he wasn't certified and approved dating---or marriage material. It's just a shame you two never had the chance to find out."

"Right. Well maybe if I stay we can dance together for old time's sake. I gotta' go."

Walter had seen Katherine return to her darkened home; he had sat in the car across the street for several minutes. The question of what he was going to say was rooted in him deciding at this juncture in his life who he really was. Walter had long since lost his shyness around pretty women. He wasn't the same Walter Katherine had once been best friends with. He had blossomed in college and become a fledging leader. He'd been a military officer and had been decorated for valor on numerous occasions and led others under life and death circumstances---and done so with honor. He was now a senior middle manager about to take the step to senior management having earned that right by being a guy who was unafraid, took risks and took charge. Yet for all of his accomplishments, this one woman had owned him heart and soul since the seventh grade---and still didn't know it. As he walked toward her door he was bolstered by the thought that when in doubt, tell it like it is. It had worked in college, on the battlefield and in corporate America. Would it work in affairs of the heart?

When she snatched open the door and stood two feet in front of him every bit as beautiful and desirable as she had been twenty years earlier, he almost lost his nerve.

"Walter?" A look of surprise, pleased, not sure?

"Katherine. Kathy. Kath. Bear with me here. I need to get something off my chest. Hi. I'm Walter although most folks call me Walt now days. Back in seventh grade you, your braces, your soft blond hair, powder blue eyes and skinny little butt sat across the aisle from me half way back in Mrs. Sander's English class. I couldn't stop looking at you; I almost got in trouble for it. You didn't know I was alive. I used to find ways to sit near you during lunch...stand near you outside before class. You finally noticed me during the junior play. We did things together...studied...science projects...running...weight lifting...hiking. We became pretty good friends; we spent a lot of time together during our senior year. We only shared one kiss and it was spin the bottle. Two weeks later I left. That kiss had something to do with it. I was just Walter; you were...well, everything! I couldn't stay...because I knew you and I didn't have a prayer in hell of every being more than friends. I was so hopelessly, head over heels, desperately in love with you. Hell I was in love with you before I even really knew you! And then we became friends...and you were even more amazing than the vision I had of you. I didn't say goodbye. I owe you an apology for that. I'm rambling on here. The point is, I'm still hopelessly in love with you. I know you have had some real heartache over the years. I wish I could take that pain away. But right now you need to either look me in the eye and say: "no, Walter, I couldn't possibly love or be in love with you in a million years." Or, if I haven't read things completely wrong you might consider..."

"You always talked too much when you were nervous, Walter...Walt. Come inside before the neighbors begin to wonder what is going on. You were the best friend I ever knew. Yes, there were times that I conveniently forgot that you were also a boy...a special boy. That kiss changed everything. I wanted to tell you that but you avoided me and then you left and all things being considered now that I know what was going on in your head and heart---I get it. I am now a thirty seven year old 'widow woman' with two children aged twelve and fourteen who is pretty sure she doesn't want to live here any more. And here we are at almost 9:00 o'clock at night and you show up at my door after twenty years without a word and..."

And then he kissed her, much as he had twenty years ago; and she didn't try to stop him. Ultimately her arms crept around him as his encircled her strong body. She started to speak. He spoke first.

"Shush...too much talk on both our parts. Just kiss me...hold me...love me as I have always loved you."

"Okay." Katherine whispered, moving her hands inside his shirt...releasing buttons...pushing the shirt off his body as he opened her blouse and released her small breasts. In short order both were naked; Katherine led him to her bedroom and made love with a man for the first time since her husband had left her eight years earlier. She had almost forgotten how special it felt to be in the arms of a man who loved her. When he entered her still strong lithe body after a more than adequate interval of exploration and mutual pleasuring, she cried out his name...the name of her special friend two decades before...the name of this man who was in love with her and had been for so long. This was the man whose heart she had unknowingly captured back in junior high; he was also the man she had missed and thought about wistfully for twenty years. She had always loved him as a friend....her best friend. They were making love as a man and a woman for the first time ever. Could she love him that way...romantically...as a woman loves a man? How could she ever have missed it? The answer was so obvious; so she told him.

"Damn you! I love you, I love you, I love you...I missed you so much! How stupid and foolish we were...so young...why couldn't we see it back then...you loved me but didn't think I could love you?" As the first of many screaming orgasms overcame her, Katherine decided that there would be lots of time for talk later. Talk came with coffee some time after the sun had risen.

"Thank you." She whispered cuddling in Walter's strong arms.

"I don't want to get in our first fight about it but no---thank you. I dreamed about you and I sleeping together from the very moment I figured out what men and women actually did in bed. I had no idea..."

"I haven't, as they say, been with a man in eight years so I can't promise quite that level of arousal next time. On the other hand you seem to have translated, what twenty-five years of wanting me into a pretty amazing night?"

"Where are your children?" He asked. She told him. "What are your plans?" He then inquired. "Sharon told me that she thought you were getting ready to leave."

"I am...was...maybe still am. Regardless of where you and I are going I'm not sure this town would accept..."

"This town loves you as they loved Dennis. They want to see you happy. If you want to leave---I'll leave with you. If you want to stay I'll stay with you." He told her.

"There aren't really many jobs here; sure there's a new factory coming on line but..."

"Kath, other than the specter of being the beloved hometown football hero's widow---and I mean that with no disrespect---Dennis was always kind to me; he helped me get over a lot of my awkwardness. I considered him a friend back in school. As jobs go I have some time, probably a couple of months to make some decisions. Once I make them, I'm pretty much stuck with them unless I want to go look for a new company to work for. Even if that be the case, I will do what you need me to do. Look, as much as I'd love to spend the rest of the day in bed with you---let's get moving! I'm hungry and your fridge is barren. I need breakfast and I have something to show you."

Of course getting up and getting dressed means taking a shower; they did so together. This time the sex was far less about love and romance and more about, well, fun...fucking fun.

"Does everyone still go to the Castaways for breakfast?"

"Things haven't changed that much. Are you sure? Everyone will see us and..."

"And I'm in love with you and you told me at least in the throws of passion that you loved me and I fully intend to change your status from widow to newlywed at the first opportunity?"

"You're moving pretty fast."

"Oh, sure! It's only taken me twenty-five years to tell you I love you and ask you to marry me?"

"Are you asking me to marry you?"

"I am, though not as formally as I had always planned. I think your children might have a right to some input."

"They'll be back late on Sunday."

By the time Walter and Katherine finished breakfast at the local breakfast joint they had probably seen half the people they had gone to school with. No one could really miss the way the two looked at each other...touched each other. She realized that she never for a minute should have doubted the true character of this special town which had been her home since birth. There were whispers here and there accompanied by a whole lot of big grins and even a few tears. It was when the waitress, who was also the chief cook and owner and the mother of the current school principal whispered in her ear that she had doubts that she really wanted to leave.

"I'm so happy for you Kath! Walter's certainly turned into a real fine looking man. God bless you. You deserve happiness again more than anyone in the world." Others shared similar sentiments. How could she have underestimated these people?

Walter drove Katherine to his hill side. "What do you think? It's only fifteen minutes out of town and fifteen minutes in the other direction to the new plant."

"You're going to apply for work at the new plant?"

"Not exactly. If you decide we should stay, I'm going to run the new factory. That was sort of the excuse I gave myself for coming back---see if I wanted to actually live up here again---when in reality I came back to tell you I loved you. I don't have to take the job. I currently live about fifteen hundred miles from here but I'm about to be promoted and I'll have a great deal of say in where I move. If I stay with the company it will doubtless be my last move. I'm not much into corporate politics anyway so I have no plans of going to headquarters again. I'd like to build a house right about here. A house for you, me your children---and any more children we might decide to have."

"What do you want to do, Walter?"

"Be with you wherever but I guess I'd have to say I'd really like to come back here and stay."

"Yeah, me too. I know I'd miss it. The kids don't really want to move. Everything and everyone they know is here."

As they were preparing to return to town, Al and Sharon drove up; the small town grapevine never failed.

"Well have you popped the question yet?" Al exclaimed as Sharon gave him a look.

"Unofficially, I did. I didn't have a ring and we haven't talked to the kids but...yes."

"Well hell, you will and she'll say yes and the kids will just be fine with it. Here's your wedding present. It's the deed to this twenty acres. It's hand written and needs to be registered with the county but if you want it it's yours." Walter had tears in his eyes. The two old friends shared a male moment as the two women whispered conspiratorially a few feet away.

"Come on Al, let's leave these two to do a little, ah, new house planning. The kids are away for the rest of the day and you've got some chores to do back at the house."

After the other couple left, Katherine led Walter back to the edge of the woods. A few yards inside there was a small clearing under the trees which obviously showed signs of human preparation.

"Sharon guaranteed me there are no bugs or snakes here and also said they plan to use this spot every now and again after we build." Katherine had removed her clothes in a matter of seconds. Walter got the message and did the same.

"Look me in the eyes Walter. Last night you made love to me, several times like no man---no man---ever has. You made me feel special again...loved...cherished...unique. I'm hoping you plan to do that every day for the rest of our lives. And this morning in the shower was pretty playful. But right now, naked out here in the woods...just fuck me. Show me how much I excite you...let me know you can't keep your hands off me...that every time you look at me...you want me."

Some time later as the two new found lovers laid together in the after glow of their most recent exploration, Katherine spoke.

"I need to tell you some things. If it bothers you we need never talk about it again. Walter, Dennis and I were happy. He was always just good old Dennis. He was an amazing teacher; teaching excited and energized him. Like everyone he got occasional bouts of moodiness but he'd always snap out of it quickly. He was always so damned consistent and steady. He lit up any room he entered. We never fought; he was a doting father. Nothing ever seemed to bother him. That day....I've racked my brain...I don't have a clue. He gave me a peck on the cheek as he always did. He was smiling and seemingly without a care in the world. A half an hour earlier he and his brother had been throwing a football in the backyard. 'I'll be back in a few minutes,' he said, waving goodbye as he drove off. Less than an hour later the police chief---who was and still is in fact the entire police department---knocked on my door. Kids liked to drag race on the bridge so he routinely patrolled there. He saw Dennis' car pulled off to the side and assumed he had car trouble. Walter, it just didn't make any sense but over the years I've come up with a hair brained theory."

"I know this is hard babe...go on."

"It's more like two theories. First, as long as anyone had known Dennis he was the guy who was always there for people. He'd listen to their problems and end up cheering them up or helping them find answers. I worry some times in retrospect that we never did the same thing for Dennis---we all assumed that he was just too happy and well adjusted to have issues of his own...but he must have. Secondly, and this is more a reflection on our life together. It reminds me a little of that movie when the guy discovers that his whole life is just a TV show. We were happy together...almost too happy. At times our existence felt just like a fairy tale. We never fought; Dennis never raised his voice. It was idyllic and looking back almost surreal. Our sex life was more than acceptable but even there I look back and wonder if it was real or if we were play acting. Dennis' was a very competent lover. Now having something real to compare it to I realize I never felt or saw the passion, intensity, depth---whatever---that I feel with you and from you."

"Kath, I don't have a clue although part one of your theory makes nothing but sense. I certainly never said, 'Dennis, thanks for helping me feel like less of a dweeb---is there anything you'd like to get off your chest?' Maybe Dennis had hopes, dreams and aspirations inside his head and heart that we didn't comprehend. He spent his whole life making other people happy...living up to our expectations of who he was. Thirty can be a traumatic milestone for some. Maybe in his heart he didn't want to be the former hometown football hero and current teacher of the year. Maybe he had always wanted something else, something more, but rationalized that he couldn't because he would disappoint people. The pressure of living up to what others expected coupled with the specter of living a life---albeit a life everyone else coveted---that wasn't the life he dreamed of, ate away at him inside. Suicide is not a rational act; it's also a selfish act which is not the Dennis' we knew---or thought we knew. We---those who loved them---always tend to blame ourselves when a special person takes their own life. We're also desperate for closure—a rational explanation for what is not rational. I'm afraid that's the best I can do."

"Do you want to have children...with me?"

"If it's humanly possible, yes, without question. How are you on that issue?"