Grave Conversation

'You speak to both of them, they're a pair. Divide and rule doesn't work.'

'He's not going to want to see me. Think about what I did to him. It was like a bad Tarantino film. Over the top.'

'A touch excessive.'

'Enthusiastic'

'Passionate for what you were doing.'

'Myopic to other potential solutions or ways of behaving.'

'Psychopathic.'

'I'm not a psychopath...'

'I know, you've been tested. Remember dumbass, I was the one who asked you to get that test done. You sound like a middle-aged Sheldon Cooper.'

'Who?'

'Television character. Don't worry. I guess televisions....'

'Not really part of my world.'

'He'll see you. They both will. You might not have anything to say to them, but they very much have to you.'

'I bet. I was kind of strong in my disapproval of their actions. I would imagine they want to return that level of disapprobation.'

'Your imagination is wrong. They want to make things right.'

'You're taking the full-on piss.'

'Give you a chance to meet your grandchildren.'

'Sorry Dawn, but I promise you, Marcel isn't the father of any children.'

'You really did cut their testicles out?'

'Yup. One of my stronger protests at their behaviour.'

'Wow, I just struggled to believe it. I saw the list of things you did. Darius told me. Some of them he found out after he came around in hospital.'

'Let's see. I cut their dicks off, cut off their balls, branded Darius, smashed Marcel's ankles, tasered them with abandon, fucked their asses, stubbed out a cigarette in Darius's eye and shaved them bald. I think that was it.'

'Wasn't that enough?'

'There were a few other things I was thinking of doing, but as the day went on I kind of found my enthusiasm waning.'

'There was more?'

'I didn't piss on them. That was something I was definitely planning on.'

'Let's hope they appreciate your generous and forgiving nature.'

Terry laughed and she joined him.

'Seriously Terry, they'd love the chance to speak to you.'

'Yeah, with their feet on my head.'

'No. Talk to them over the phone. I'll give you their number. Speak with them, see what they have to say. I think you'll be glad you did. No tricks. Given what you said and how you said it about what Ruthie did, I think there's something there you need to talk to her about. I think you'd be in a different place at the end of that conversation.'

'I'll think about it.'

'Please do. Not for me, or really for them. This is for you. I can hear that her betrayal cut the hardest.'

'Give me their number and I'll have a think about it. No promises, OK?'

'OK. Thank you. Pass me your phone and I'll put their number in. Mine as well.'

'Sorry Babe. You'll need to write it down; I'm a Luddite remember? No phone.'

'How did you call your Mum?'

'Telephones when I could find them. Most villages have them. Expensive, but worth it.'

'Bloody hell, you don't make it easy for yourself, do you?'

'I'm not looking for easy. I don't want it. I want to feel pain and difficulty. To feel tired and ache. I want to be alive. I spent all those years cossetted and I don't want to go back. Work behind a desk on a computer, no thanks. Sleep in a bed so comfortable that kings and queens couldn't afford the luxury and yet never appreciate it? No, fuck that!'

'Do you remember when you were a kid? When you were little and you'd just run. Run and run as fast as you could until you couldn't run any more, until you were gasping for air, nearly sick from the exertion. That was you being alive. When was the last time you felt that? When was the last time you lived?'

He stopped. He wasn't trying to sell his lifestyle. It didn't matter what she thought or what anyone else thought. This was his life; his only life and he'd live it how he wanted and on his terms.

'Wearing a hair shirt?'

Her voice was quiet but her question cut through him.

'Fuck me Dawn, if anyone deserves a bit of suffering, it's me. Yeah, part of my life is me punishing myself for what I did. Not just to those pair of idiots, but to you and Ruthie. To my Mum, to our friends and families. To the doctors who treated those clowns. The fans of the football club that Marcel can't play for. For the stuff I did when I was a lad.'

'How long are you going to do it?'

'Every day. Every day for the rest of my life. Dawn, it may sound harsh to you but it really isn't, not to me. I'm tough, I'm used to it. Any pain I feel just makes me appreciate that I'm alive. Physical or emotional pain, I can feel them because I am here and I'm alive. A lot of other people can't say the same. That sleeping rough means I say goodnight at sunset and good morning to the sunrise and I've seen sunrises and sunsets that would make you cry. I've seen staggering beauty and real deprivation. I've laughed and I've cried. I'm a lucky guy. I thought, I always thought I was lucky to marry you. To have you in my life and then when Kevin came along and Ruthie. I couldn't believe my luck.'

He shook his head. Picked up her hand and kissed the back of it.

'You hurt me, but you also penetrated that soft-assed cocoon I had around myself and my life. You ripped me apart but I felt something. Anger, rage, humiliation, loss, lots of different emotions. I also felt alive. Was reminded I exist, not as a character in a book or on some bloody soap opera but as a living breathing person. You gave me incredible highs and horrific lows. I don't hate you, hell, I still love you and fancy the ass off you. Don't feel sorry for me, Dawn. I don't want it and I don't deserve it.'

Dawn leant into him and he put his arm around her. Holding her, feeling her crying again. He kissed the top of her forehead, a gentle kiss. He felt her press in against him and he felt himself respond to her touch. She leant back to look at his face, he could see the question in her eyes, wet with tears and he nodded.

'One night. I want to see that damn tattoo properly.'

She laughed. 'Idiot, as soon as I came back I had it altered. You'll have to see it. I think you'll approve.'

'I want to see.'

Dawn brushed herself down and keeping hold of Terry's hand, the two of them walked out of the cemetery together.

'One night Dawn.'

'One night, collect the letter, have breakfast and I'll give you the telephone numbers for Ruthie and me.'

'One night.'

'One night, but I want a promise you'll ring from time to time.'

He nodded. 'I can do that. I liked checking in with Mum, it made me feel connected.'

'So, check in with me instead. I love you and if anything happens, I'll make sure you get brought home again.'

'One night.'

'One night this time, but you'll be back this way and we might be able to have another night.'

'One night. Command performance, limited tickets available.'