Head Above Water Pt. 03

His words rendered me speechless. The venom on my tongue dissolved; for once in my life, I didn't have anything to say. I didn't know how to piece together what I was feeling into words. All I could do was accept him and invite him into my body.

And so I spread my legs and let him fill all my emptiness.

—

A week later, I saw Wes cry for the first time.

It was late, almost ten at night as I was finally getting home. I unlocked the door, swinging it open and carrying in the groceries I'd bought after getting off work. I settled the bags on the kitchen counter and flipped on the lights, jumping when I caught sight of a figure sitting at the end of the bar.

"Wes?"

He had his head down, but he lifted it, along with a glass of clear amber liquid. His eyes were bloodshot red.

"What happened?" I asked, cutting across the room. He smelled strongly of alcohol.

"Nothing new," he said, putting down the glass. "I lost a patient on a solo surgery."

My heart caught in my throat. His patients were all children. A child had died. It was devastatingly tragic news that I almost wished he hadn't shared with me.

"That's awful," I said, unsure of what to do or say. "I'm so sorry."

He glanced at me, and I had to look away. I'd never witnessed a man this vulnerable before.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked gently.

"Physician-patient confidentiality," he said. "I can't. I want to, but I can't."

"I won't need a name to understand what happened."

"I suppose not," he mused.

I cautiously took a step closer, and he sensed what I was about to do, opening his arms and inviting me into his embrace. I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder, breathing in the scent of his cologne and that distinctly alcoholic smell that reminded me vaguely of drunken foster parents. I didn't associate Wes with those people, though. He was only human; they were monsters.

"Talk to me, Wes," I said in a quiet voice.

"Five-year-old female, cholecystectomy, cause of death: pulmonary aspiration. It's not like I've never lost a patient before, but this one was completely preventable. I'm angry with myself, Celine. I suspected, but I brushed it off."

"Suspected what?"

"That her parents had fed her when they weren't supposed to," he said almost acidly. "It was a simple elective surgery, I did everything by the book. I explicitly instructed her parents not to give her anything to eat or drink twelve hours before the procedure, but they felt bad about letting her go hungry. She had cornflakes and chocolate milk three hours before surgery. They lied to my fucking face. The reason you're not supposed to have any food or drink before surgery is because general anesthesia temporarily stops all reflexes, including the gag reflex. There's a risk of vomiting if you have food in your belly during surgery. Guess what happens when you throw up without a gag reflex? It has a chance of entering your lungs and causing you to suffocate and die before the surgical team even knows what's going on. I—fuck, I should have known. Those parents looked so sketchy—"

"Whoa, stop right there," I said, taking his face in my hands. "Look at me, Wes." He did. "This was not your fault, you got me?"

"It's my job to save these kids, Celine."

"You're not God. You can't control everything. You couldn't control those stupid parents, and now they'll spend the rest of their lives regretting it. This is a tragedy, but it's not a tragedy brought upon by your actions."

Wes blinked and looked away. His eyes were brimming with tears. This had really hurt him.

"I'm—I'm disappointed in myself, Celine," he said shakily. "No, not disappointed. Pissed. I'm fucking pissed that I didn't follow my gut feeling. I knew something was off. I just knew."

"You can't do this to yourself," I said. "This wasn't your fault, Wes. You have to see that."

"Her death was preventable, Celine. All I had to do was remove her gallbladder. I do cholecystectomies all of the time. Laparoscopic gallbladder removal surgery is safe. It's one of the safest surgeries you can have. And yet she died on my table."

"You said yourself that you did everything by the book. If you had to redo the surgery again, wouldn't you have done everything the same way? What happened was outside of your control."

"If only I'd pressed them," he said, sounding agonized. "If only I'd fought for that little girl."

"No, Wes," I said. "You did what you could. You did everything right. You're not responsible for the actions of dishonest people."

He met my eye, and I saw tears in the corners of his eyes. I wiped them away with the pads of my thumbs.

"It takes a very special kind of person to do the work that you do," I said gently. "You sacrifice your sanity to help those kids. Out of all the paths you could've taken, you chose a difficult one and stuck to it because it felt right to you—and it was right, Wes. The world is a cruel and fucked up place, but you are doing something good, something meaningful, making a difference. The world needs people like you, so don't you shut down on us now."

Wes was quiet for a moment, mulling over my words, and then he spoke.

"Where have you been all my life, Celine?"

"Right here," I said, placing my hand over his heart. I'd never done something so outrageous, never displayed my feelings so openly before. I cared about Wes. I wanted him to know it, especially now that he was so vulnerable, baring his soul to me.

"The world needs people like you too," Wes said, looking at me with softened eyes. "You have a heart of gold, babe."

"You're the only one who thinks that."

"Fuck everyone," he said. "They're blind."

I laughed.

"What the hell do you even see in me, Wes?"

Wes took my face in his hands, cupping my cheeks with those steady, warm hands.

"Everything," he said softly. "I see everything."

Now my eyes were pricking with tears. He was so forward, so overwhelmingly direct, breaking through the walls I'd spent years building. It was absolutely terrifying, and yet I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

"Kiss me, Wes."

"As many times as you ask me to."

Then he kissed me tenderly, and this time, we kissed away his pain instead of mine.

—

"What do you dream of, Celine?"

It was sunset at Balboa Pier. I was leaning over the rail, looking down at the crashing waves as Wes held me, his hold tightening with each passing second. I was probably leaning over a bit too far. I eased back onto the balls of my feet and found that I couldn't meet his gaze.

"Drowning."

"In water?"

"Yes, but more. Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in everything."

Wes was quiet for a moment. He pulled me closer, until I laid my head on his chest and listened to the language of his heart, to that thumping that reminded me that he was real, he was here, and he was mine. It had been four months since we'd met—four beautiful months of laughter, petty arguments, make-up sex, cuddles on the couch, stealing food off each others' plates, and dates like these, exploring outside of our busy lives, enjoying all the little things that gave us all the big feelings.

"I used to feel like I was stuck inside of a burning house," Wes said. "While you were drowning, I was burning."

"How did you overcome it?"

"I didn't," he said. "It was you. You doused the fire."

I knew what he was going to say before he said it. I felt it in my bones.

"I'm in love with you, Celine."

My eyes watered. I turned back toward the railing, gripping it with both hands, taking in the fresh air, trying to breathe in peace and breathe out the panic. I was twenty-eight-years-old and this was the first time anyone had fallen in love with me.

"Did I spook you?" Wes asked gently. "I know it's too soon."

I shook my head.

"No," I said. "I just—this is the first time I've heard anyone say those words."

"It's my first time speaking them," Wes said.

I looked over my shoulder, finally meeting his eyes. They were hopeful, wide and unafraid.

"You've never been in love before?" I asked.

"Not until I met you. Pretty lame, considering I went thirty-one—thirty-two years without falling in love even once."

"What was stopping you? Weren't there other girlfriends before me?"

"They weren't you."

I laughed despite myself. "You didn't even know I existed."

"Of course I knew," he said. "I was always searching for you."

"You were not."

"Why do you have to always challenge everything I say?"

"It's in my nature."

"Well, it's in my nature to put up with it, I guess," he said, smiling wide.

I reached up and brushed his black hair back from his forehead with my fingers.

"Shut up," I said.

"How about I change the subject instead? Tell me about your other dreams now. What are your goals? What do you wish for?"

"I want to be on the board of directors at the company."

"You'll get there," he said immediately, hardly even thinking about it. "I know you will. That's a very achievable dream."

"I'll have to go to college and get at least a bachelor's first," I said nervously. I'd never actually told him that I hadn't gone to college.

Wes looked unfazed. "Another achievable dream. We'll sit down later and formulate a plan. You can do it, Celine."

"Okay," I said, smiling. "And what about you? What's your dream?"

"To get into the Pediatric Surgery Training Program at John Hopkins to complete my fellowship."

"What's a fellowship?" I asked.

"It's what comes after residency, consider it additional training. It's only for about two years. It would be my last step before taking the specialty boards."

"And that's the exam you take to become a fully qualified surgeon?"

"Correct," he said. "A fellowship should properly prepare me."

I nodded. "Where exactly is John Hopkins?"

"It's in Maryland, so if you're up for it, we might have to try our hand at the long-distance thing," he said. "If you're not, I'll take a fellowship at CHOC. I'm pretty sure I'll get it, whereas with John Hopkins, it's more of a shot in the dark. I have no idea whether or not I'll be selected."

"Don't be ridiculous," I said, shocked. "I won't allow you to give up your dream for me. You'll get into the program and you'll go. End of discussion."

"You have a lot of faith in me."

"That's what girlfriends do."

"On this level? It's what wives do."

"Wes, don't you dare propose to me."

He made a motion to get down on one knee and I elbowed him in the stomach. He laughed and straightened up.

"Relax, babe," he said. "I won't ever ask you to do something that you don't want to do. If you change your mind and decide you'd like to be my wife then you'll have to propose."

"Pigs will fly before that happens."

"I look forward to watching them flit across the sky."

"Goddamnit, Wes," I said, laughing. "Stop making a joke out of everything."

"Your laughter is my drug," he said. "I'm addicted."

"Why can't you be addicted to something normal like cocaine?"

"Substance abuse isn't a joke."

"You made a joke first."

"That is entirely beside the point. Focus, babe. Repeat after me: 'Drugs are harmful chemicals that change the way a body thinks and works and should not be made light of.'"

"Fuck off."

"There's my Dragon Lady," he said, grinning. I observed the curve of his mouth, still floored that there was someone in this world who found me endearing. I liked the way his smile brightened up his entire face, like he was made of sunshine and all good things.

Wes took my hand and led me down the pier as the sky darkened. We walked down to the sand, wetting our feet, holding our shoes in our hands, kicking and splashing ice-cold water at each other. He led me to the nearby unoccupied lifeguard tower. We sat on the steps, me one step below him so he could wrap his arms around me from behind. I leaned back against him, and that's when it hit me.

Wes loved me.

I couldn't say it back. I didn't know how to love someone, didn't know how to even recognize the signs. I certainly liked Wes, way more than I liked anyone else in the world, and that was really saying something.

So maybe I couldn't tell him that I loved him, but I kissed him instead, using my lips to translate just how much I liked him.

And for now, it would have to be enough.

—

I was down in the training building, which we called our University, even though it didn't give out a degree of any sort. There was a certificate of completion issued for finishing a course on member services, insurance, or claims. The classes were almost always ongoing, as we also trained agents from across Southern California that worked in the branches. Overall, it was a busy building with many classrooms.

There was a claims class I'd scheduled, and today would be their first day. I wanted to drop by and encourage the new students.

"Fancy meeting you here."

I turned around. It was Addie.

"What are you doing down here?" I asked, checking my watch.

"I'm on my lunch break. I was visiting one of the instructors," she said, turning a little pink. It made me suspicious.

"Why?"

"Oh, no reason," she said quickly.

"You do realize that the instructors are all part of HR. You can't be friends with them. It's against company policy."

"Don't worry," she said, fidgeting where she stood. "It's nothing like that, Celine."

"You're a terrible liar."

At that moment, a door down the hall burst open and one of the instructors skidded out, looking in all directions until he caught sight of Addie.

"Honey, I—" And then he caught sight of me.

"'Honey,'" I repeated, crossing my arms and giving Addie a look.

"Busted," she said, sighing. Her face had turned several shades of red.

I glanced at the instructor, wondering if he had anything to say, but he didn't appear to have any words. He walked over out of concern for Addie. I wasn't stupid. These two were definitely dating.

"Celine, this is Ryan Irving... my boyfriend," Addie said, sounding appropriately ashamed. We were supposed to be best friends, but she hadn't shared this with me. However, I couldn't exactly blame her. She wasn't allowed to date this guy, and I was supposed to be the one to enforce this rule.

I sighed.

"Before you rat us out, just know that he makes me very happy," she said, and reached over to take Ryan Irving's hand. "But I'm prepared to face the consequences. I understand that you have to do your job. Just know you won't have my face to look forward to every morning if I get fired."

"If you want to keep your jobs then you'll have to disclose this relationship to HR officially," I said. "I'll talk to your manager, Mr. Irving. I could probably arrange for signed statements and no talk of termination."

"Please, call me Ryan," he said, sounding relieved.

"You'd do that?" Addie asked hopefully.

"Are you serious? Addie, you're my best friend. Of course I wouldn't let you get fired. I'm one of the most powerful people in this company. I think I'm owed some special favors—like not having my people terminated without my consent."

"Ryan isn't one of your people," she said in a small voice.

"I will protect him as best as I can."

Addie smiled brightly, her green eyes twinkling under the fluorescent lighting. There was a time when I wouldn't have done this, wouldn't have stood for any rule-breaking whatsoever.

"You've changed," Addie said, practically reading my mind. "I think I know who to really thank."

I couldn't help but smile. Addie had met Wes a few weeks ago. They'd clicked instantly and were already Facebook friends. I thought it was kind of adorable. Adorable. I couldn't remember the last time I'd even thought of that word on my own.

"You can thank him later. He has his interview with John Hopkins this morning."

"Oh crap, I forgot to wish him good luck!"

Ryan stood there awkwardly as we chatted. I noticed that he was a pretty average guy, very unlike the kind of guys Addie usually went for. Those guys really knew how to break her heart. I wondered if Ryan was going to be the one to treat her like the queen she was.

"So how long has this been going on?" I said, motioning to the two of them.

"Almost as long as you've been dating Wes," Addie admitted. "We met in the parking lot. I didn't know he was HR, I swear. He thought I was management because I'd parked in your spot on your day off again. He asked me out and I found out on our date. I almost walked out of there, but he just made me feel so warm and fuzzy, Celine. I couldn't do it."

"I thought I told you to stop parking in my spot."

"That's what you heard?" Addie said, scandalized.

Ryan chuckled and cleared his throat. I saw her hold of his hand tighten, giving him a squeeze in warning. Everyone was so damn scared of me. I wasn't the same uptight person anymore. Hell, I even let my hair down at work now.

"I'm happy for you, Addie," I said, giving her a genuine, warm smile. Months ago I wouldn't have known how to do that, how to smile. Wes had taught me a lot of things, and most importantly had been the way he'd shown me that it was easy to be happy, and even easier to share that happiness.

I was on cloud nine this morning.

After I wrapped up my conversation with Addie and Ryan, I ventured deeper into the building to locate the training class. I found them all sitting in their chairs with wide eyes, a little surprised to be finding their boss's boss's boss greeting them so warmly. I knew I had a reputation. After all, I was still Dragon Lady when I had to be.

But these days, I've been wondering:

Did I really have to be?

—

Wes called me immediately after his interview.

"How did it go?" I asked.

"Hard to say," he said, but he didn't sound down. "I answered all the questions truthfully."

"I don't know if that's a good thing."

He laughed.

"You may be right. The interviewer said he'd interviewed over 10,000 people in the last 20 years and asked me what was so special about me."

"What'd you say?"

"I told him that there was nothing special about me. I'm just human."

"Oh, Wes, you didn't."

"I want to earn this by being who I am," he said. "I'm not one of those narcissistic surgeons with an inflated head. I think that says a lot about me. I'm hoping I'm what they're looking for, but if I'm not then it's best for both parties. I don't want to be somewhere that I don't fit in."

"Well, you definitely fit in at CHOC so the back-up is always there."

"Yeah," Wes said. "You're damn right about that. I can't even begin to explain how hard I've had to work to get where I am right now. I really want to make a difference, Celine."

"I know, Wes," I said, wishing I was there to hug him. "You've already made a difference. You've saved countless lives."

"You've been my rock these last couple of months. I would've been a mess today if it weren't for you."

"What did I do?"

"I had your face in my mind. I want to do you proud, babe. It calms my nerves to think about your smile."

"You taught me how to do that, you know."

"Do what?" he asked.

"Smile."

—

The twinkling Christmas lights made the room glow in fuzzy reds and greens, the cozy comforter keeping us warm, the fireplace downstairs crackling as our hands linked in the darkness, interlocking all of the secrets of our souls, connecting us. His touch was electric, fraying all of my nerves, making me feel alive, so goddamn alive.

"I love you," Wes said, kissing my hands.

I know.

I kissed him, letting go of those strong, stable hands to take him by the face, inviting him for a taste by parting my lips. He slid his tongue along mine, his breath quickening, groaning when I moaned. I kissed him to translate the feelings I felt because I couldn't say them, couldn't admit that I didn't know how to love, didn't know what it meant. 'I like you very much' wasn't going to cut it.